Sometimes I get donation boxes. You will be able to spot them a mile away because it will be a review of something that makes no fucking sense on this site, like a random Idaho brewery that someone wants me to give an honest appraisal/dress down of their local favorites. Some of the readers in Costa Rica wanted me to try their new local jams and comment on how their craft scene is budding on the post-imperialism island. First and foremost, if I lived on an island paradise, the last thing I would give a fuck about is the Reinheitsgebot. Secondly, the highest rated amber bock in the entire world is a less than mediocre score globally. At any rate, here’s an obscure shitter from the Carribean, LOWWW LANDS LOWWWW LANDS AWAY do me johnny bolger do.
Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico, I dont atlas
A: This label looks like someone is stroking it hard for Geddy Lee, either that or CR is just getting Rush. I can see all these islanders sipping German lagers in their Starter jackets. Admittedly this is a very pretty beer, substantial carb, graceful lacing, deep amber and mahogany hues. But if that crazy ass hairdresser you used to date is any indication, sometimes the worst things are beautiful on the outside.
S: The nose is gristy, sweet caramel, walnuts, a touch of estery clove, but mostly like roasted sugars with a conspicuous wateriness to the profile. This is one of those types of beers that late 90s beer fan dipshits would point to while saying shit like “THE MODERN CONSUMER JUST DOESNT APPRECIATE NUANCE” and all those tired ass phrases. I get it, trust me. I know what bocks should be, I have had upwards of 8 in my life. I can make jokes about Capricorn, BECK, all kinds of shit. This just isnt particularly interesting. Sorry if you just dropped your 2003 issue of DRAFT magazine while reading that shocking revelation.
T: This continues with the toasty, nutty, almond character but introduces this out of place sweetness like nutella and that sort of conspiculously Michelob hand in things. If I didn’t know better, I would swear this was literally a craft subsidiary owned by a macro rebrander because it pangs of all the staples of that shit: boring styles, easy to produce, low production costs, classifications that were relevant in the early 2000s which is about where the macro producers still feel safe in placing their palate projections.
M: This is lager thin, for obvious reasons, exhibits a watery aspect and a lingering boring sweetness kinda like pumpernickle. Again, this is marginally better than Yuengling Bock and I know I will have to field PA complainers who still crank down for that beer. I guess it’s like having a girlfriend who is consistent, moderately sweet, but whose amiability cloys over time and with every passing Amateur Allure tab you open, you seek something wilder, less stable, more apeshit. Like that crazy hairdresser.
D: This is admittedly drinkable and offers more complexity than straight adjunct lagers but, at this point you are doing the Jeremy Bentham ethical calculus and the calories simply are not worth it for the taste and enjoyment of these 170(?) calories. You can find far shittier beers, but if you read this site you are already hitting the cervix of the beer world, discomfort setting in for all parties. If you are this deep, you dont need the Latter Day Saint foreplay of some mediocre bock, you are Max Hardcore.
EDIT: I know where Costa Rica is. I realize it is not an island. Please stop messaging me about the geography of that South American country.