Domingo 7: La Micro Brewing Co, BUHO Amber Bock, Wet Costa Rican garbage washing up on my doorstep

Sometimes I get donation boxes.  You will be able to spot them a mile away because it will be a review of something that makes no fucking sense on this site, like a random Idaho brewery that someone wants me to give an honest appraisal/dress down of their local favorites.  Some of the readers in Costa Rica wanted me to try their new local jams and comment on how their craft scene is budding on the post-imperialism island.  First and foremost, if I lived on an island paradise, the last thing I would give a fuck about is the Reinheitsgebot.  Secondly, the highest rated amber bock in the entire world is a less than mediocre score globally.  At any rate, here’s an obscure shitter from the Carribean, LOWWW LANDS LOWWWW LANDS AWAY do me johnny bolger do.

VERMONT GLASSWARE!? Already disrespected right out of the gates.

VERMONT GLASSWARE!? Already disrespected right out of the gates.

Bock, 5.8%

Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico, I dont atlas

A:  This label looks like someone is stroking it hard for Geddy Lee, either that or CR is just getting Rush.  I can see all these islanders sipping German lagers in their Starter jackets.  Admittedly this is a very pretty beer, substantial carb, graceful lacing, deep amber and mahogany hues.  But if that crazy ass hairdresser you used to date is any indication, sometimes the worst things are beautiful on the outside.

Try as we might, DDB cant polish this mediocre shit.

Try as we might, DDB cant polish this mediocre shit.

S: The nose is gristy, sweet caramel, walnuts, a touch of estery clove, but mostly like roasted sugars with a conspicuous wateriness to the profile.  This is one of those types of beers that late 90s beer fan dipshits would point to while saying shit like “THE MODERN CONSUMER JUST DOESNT APPRECIATE NUANCE” and all those tired ass phrases.  I get it, trust me.  I know what bocks should be, I have had upwards of 8 in my life.  I can make jokes about Capricorn, BECK, all kinds of shit. This just isnt particularly interesting. Sorry if you just dropped your 2003 issue of DRAFT magazine while reading that shocking revelation.

I bet back in the pre-Stone days people drank Bocks and thought they were on some Radio Rahim shit.

I bet back in the pre-Stone days people drank Bocks and thought they were on some Radio Rahim shit.

T:  This continues with the toasty, nutty, almond character but introduces this out of place sweetness like nutella and that sort of conspiculously Michelob hand in things.  If I didn’t know better, I would swear this was literally a craft subsidiary owned by a macro rebrander because it pangs of all the staples of that shit: boring styles, easy to produce, low production costs, classifications that were relevant in the early 2000s which is about where the macro producers still feel safe in placing their palate projections.

The sweet notes show up and you know you are about to get lazy H'ed by three fictional breakfast cereal mascots

The sweet notes show up and you know you are about to get lazy H’ed by three fictional breakfast cereal mascots

M:  This is lager thin, for obvious reasons, exhibits a watery aspect and a lingering boring sweetness kinda like pumpernickle.  Again, this is marginally better than Yuengling Bock and I know I will have to field PA complainers who still crank down for that beer.  I guess it’s like having a girlfriend who is consistent, moderately sweet, but whose amiability cloys over time and with every passing Amateur Allure tab you open, you seek something wilder, less stable, more apeshit.  Like that crazy hairdresser.

D:  This is admittedly drinkable and offers more complexity than straight adjunct lagers but, at this point you are doing the Jeremy Bentham ethical calculus and the calories simply are not worth it for the taste and enjoyment of these 170(?) calories.  You can find far shittier beers, but if you read this site you are already hitting the cervix of the beer world, discomfort setting in for all parties.  If you are this deep, you dont need the Latter Day Saint foreplay of some mediocre bock, you are Max Hardcore.

DDB is here to tackle the real controverises, settling srs hot button issues

DDB is here to tackle the real controverises, settling srs hot button issues

EDIT: I know where Costa Rica is.  I realize it is not an island.  Please stop messaging me about the geography of that South American country.


Southern Tier Mokah, Why Brew Coffee When You Can Brew Beer? Oh, DUIs.

Southern Tier rolled out a whole line of these imperial stout monsters that tasted like other things, creme brulee, mokah, jahva, all kinds of things. You don’t see that in other formats, I have never seen a baker making cupcakes that taste like an imperial stout, I guess it’s a one way street for people with things to take care of. Anyway, let’s get coffee wasted and start cupping in today’s review.

I can’t be bothered to sort all these damn imperial stout pictures, but this one tasted like coffee. Big shocker.

Guess what, this tasted exactly like creme brulee and the girls lost their shit over it. I thought it was sweeter than the end of a Nicholas Sparks movie, but then again I have that XY chromosomal order.

Spoiler alert, this beer, called Choklat, tasted like a sweet kiss from Johnny Depp, psyche, it tasted like fucking chocolate. Duh, next beer.

I completely forgot what the fuck we were talking about. Oh yeah, this beer, which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN ALL THAT OTHER SHIT. Just kidding, they are all awesome, haters gonna hate.

Southern Tier, Mokah 11.2% abv, Imperial Stout

A: Deep dark oily hues, not so black as Satan’s magic or straight up Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, but, still pretty black. Mild tiny bubbles, tiny carbonation, tiny everything. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Most people can’t afford to take down a series of Southern Tier dank ass stouts, pic related.

S: Very sweet milk notes, not unlike their crème brulee, with a solid coffee waft as the backbone. I am very intrigued by this penumbra between the two elements. “Oh wait, he is intrigued?” not a single fuck was given today, I know. But seriously, the dichotomy is amazing.

T: The taste is a spot on rendition between a sweet stout and a deep coffee stout. It is just amazing on both polar ends. At the outset you get an amazing caramel milky sweetness that subsides into a drying coffee dryness. It feels like a cuvee between a milk stout and a coffee stout. Again, just amazing on all fronts.

I love you forever Southern Tier, even though you put my nice things in the toilet.

M: This imperial stout is not overbearing but is incredible in the mouth feel. It coats and imparts some great sweet and bitter notes and fades quickly, not overstaying its welcome. The whole endeavor just smacks of value. This beer has a great breakfast stout character to it without any barrel aging, very impressive.

D: Very drinkable, incredibly silky in its body with a great mouthfeel and coating to it. I cannot believe that this is a simple off shelf beer and again, when it comes to stouts, the east coast is spoiled beyond belief. I feel like I just spoil this category but I seriously could drink this stout for days on end, it has an incredible balance. For reals.

Unlike facebook, I never rage at Southern Tier stouts, because they are sweet and amazing.

Narrative: Do you ever feel like someone is just controlling your every movement? Like Truman show? No like literally hedging every single one of your clips and turns. In what way? Ok, I don’t want to invoke the old deontological chestnut where we discuss pre-destination relative to a divine plan, I mean, in this earthly world, some people are destined to encounter some conflict and resolution, purely on the basis of man’s plight and have it resolved by the same anomalous factors. Well sometimes, like a flat tire and a serendipitous tow truck? That sort of thing? Exactly and now what those conflicting elements interplay so succinctly? Well usually something bad happens and then something pretty cool happens. The bitter and the sweet. Well, yeah. So who determines this balance, if it is determined, the interplay should be fairly evenly divided but who is the wholesale recipient of a load of bitter while others receive nothing but sweet. Well, to that I cannot say? It feels arbitrary and totally unfocused but at the same time, it is uplifting knowing that at any given moment a blast of splenda or carmelized sugar could come my way, sure it could be in the form of strippers or Magic: the Gathering cards, but the treats are nonetheless sweet. Well, I guess I feel you, but I can’t help feeling that this entire discussion was a paper thin pretense for both deontology and simple aromatics in food. Well, basically. Those two are pretty aligned.