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GUEST REVIEW: Lawson’s Kiwi Double IPA, How Can I Do Less Work on this Shitty Site? GUEST REVIEWS.

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I have got a few requests from people who actually want to throw materials onto this burning trash heap of a website, and I am glad to oblige. Anything that allows me to black out harder and not have to write 900 words for you ungrateful assholes is a good day for me. Mama fixed the breakfast with no hop. Anyway, today’s guest review is from BA Hevvymetalhippie, if you see him, throw a peace sign and say slow down player. If you too would like to live in infamy on the best beer site on the entire fucking internet, let me know. You should be able to write at least at a Dan Brown level, dixpix optional. dontdrinkbeers@gmail.com

also email that fallopian tube who took the nonplural version of that shit, tell him to stop causing periods.

Oh shit, inb4 robey tones/NZ hatespeech

Oh shit, inb4 robey tones/NZ hatespeech

Lawson’s Finest Liquids
Vermont, United States

Style | ABV
American Double / Imperial IPA | 8.10% ABV

Appearance: For the few seconds I’m able to pull my eyes off Harlem Shake videos
on YouTube, Kiwi Double is a beautiful brassy orange amber with a frothy white
head of hair…err foam. Just ‘cause there’s a little snow on the roof…how does the
rest of that go? Head goes limp fairly quickly, so get your lacing kicks before it goes
flaccid.

This beer is mirthful yet powerful, and it might molest you

This beer is mirthful yet powerful, and it might molest you

Smell: So the hop note may have faded a bit, but its still right up there, better than
most IPA’s available even in its Golden years…Gritty New Zealand hops, vegetal
and raw. Big, resinous pine and wood notes, grapefruit rind like woah. Malt comes
through more with some time on it, but caramel notes don’t pull out dentures
dentures. Will have you tweaked like J Howard Marshall key bumping blue steel.

Taste: Chewy, woodsy and hoppy. May have faded slightly, but we’re still in the
presence of greatness, so show your elders some respect and get in the closet! Citrus
and pine notes dominate, but soft malt notes support so hops can shine. Although a
little dull like grandpa, you can still tell hops were present, sort of like an old man
who just got off the bus and the seat you just got in is still warm…mmm.

when some people see guest reviews, they be like

when some people see guest reviews, they be like

Mouthfeel: Straightforward carbonation helps to wrestle bitterness off your palate,
but signs of a struggle and forced entry remain. Raw and uncut, like Clint Eastwood
making racist jokes in Grand Torino but goes down smooth like Clint Eastwood on
Donna Mills in Play Misty For Me. Old people boning. There I said it.

Drinkability/Overall: This is an awesome IPA, nothing but the best from Lawson’s.
It’s fully torqued hop profile, married with a subtle and complimentary malt bill
make Kiwi a must have, and only gets better when its fresh. The ABV hides well; you
barely notice it peaking at you through the blinds, hiding in the buses. Don’t share
this; be a greedy old bastard, those damn kids don’t appreciate anything nowadays.

I had this beer, but was too lazy to review it myself. When I tried it, my face be all like

I had this beer, but was too lazy to review it myself. When I tried it, my face be all like

Narrative: Sure, Red Dubois was the biggest bastard in the county, but he was also
the areas most eligible bachelor on Bingo Night at the Senior Center. He had money
once, from his formative years in modeling, but now his dance card was empty and
the years weighed heavily on his tired and pallid body. But tonight, things were
different. Debbie Sanderson was back from her trip to California looking radiant,
and Red felt the unbridled turgid strain of desire. Things hadn’t gone his way for
quite some time, but he knew tonight he’d the two of them would be yelling Bingo
long after game night was over…

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1991 De Neve Gueuze, A Beer That Is Older Than Your Girlfriend, sicko.

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Finally DDB is getting back down to business and reviewing old ass beers, walez, Mr. International fedex player with a passport. In today’s review we review a 22 year old musky banger from across the pond. When this beer was brewed, you probably were like 6 years old, pre-pog phase, maybe you were starting to get hella into Nirvana and mainlining heroin, who am I to judge? Bust out those Anchor Blue jeans for this barely legal review.

Aint nobody tryna fuck with some ode ass beer. Actually everyone is.

Aint nobody tryna fuck with some ode ass beer. Actually everyone is.

De Neve Gueuze
Belgium 5.2%
Likeyougiveafuck

A: Straight out of the gates, this asshole gets all AARP on you and slowly and gently lays itself into the glass like a warm easy chair for some episodes of Matlock. It has this turbid aspect that gives off this dull brown aspect with dark yellowing at the edges like costume jewelry that your nana loves to wear in the bath. The carbonation is there, but just barely, also like your nana.

If you are old to the beer game, you probably never tried his, if you are a 2012 n00b, you probably offered up a Cherry Rye for this. Fuck everyone.

If you are old to the beer game, you probably never tried his, if you are a 2012 n00b, you probably offered up a Cherry Rye for this. Fuck everyone.

S: This has a beautiful acidic lactic profile but it is covered on cobwebs, horse barn musk, I get a bunch of orange/tamarindo aspects but again, the old paper meets sex attic is overwhelming. This isn’t as musky as OLD ASS BRABANTIAE but it is a page out of that same playbook. Some people search 50+ on Zoosk, some people like this kinda shit, get your shine on.

T: This follow through with a big acidic and lactic profile, no signs of offputting oxidation which is shocking, all things considered. There is a melon wrapped in cardboard aspect to this, and I don’t know if seeking out a 1991 gueuze and saying “past its prime” even makes any fucking sense because, you ordered the sex swing, you mounted it, now you are mad because people are judging you? This is truly original and makes me wonder what the fresh version tasted like, because the brett and musk aspects have taken to dominate this beer, like in Back to the Future II when Biff takes over. Maybe you like musk and old comic books covered in juice. Papercut your dickhole. See if I care.

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M: This is both dry, thin, and yet expansive and vaporous due to the musk and funk that this beer presents. Again, this is like going to antique stores or running your hands over a bunch of polyester clothes in a thrift store. It is awesome and novel but feels a little dirty. You come home with some stupid tin signs and are edified as a result.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and I could put away a 750ml and not even share like a complete asshole. However, with full disclosure, it was either this beer or the 2 orders of XXL Nachos that I ate, but I got massive deuces. Some could say that the records were subpoenaed, even. This will tear up your guts like Peter North. Listen for it. That is the sound of my readers googling Peter North, now that is the sound of HR calling them into the conference room.

You can be old as hell, but still enjoy things, even if you will grow up to be a murderous waterhorse.

You can be old as hell, but still enjoy things, even if you will grow up to be a murderous waterhorse.

Narrative: Clarence Masterson had seen quite a few things in his day. It wasn’t just that he was old, God knows he was, however in 1991 he got on a spaceship with Fred Savage. Most people know this autobiographical documentary as Flight of the Navigator, however, the unsung song of 11 year old Clarence is often overlooked. Clarence was a stowaway on the ship long after Fred Savage left. His body was accelerating faster than light, aging, yet in perpetual stasis. After a respite in the cosmos, Clarence landed in the distant year 2013, to find a world changed drastically. First and foremost, he was 33 year old at this point, yet still looked exactly like a 13 yar old boy. His urged to tax both young and old poon were unacceptable. He was an anomaly in a world of fast paced communication. Clarence was too old for the ear flicking hijinks of 7th grade, yet unable to pick up lot lizards at local bars. He read about a Youtube dwarf who experienced a similar problem, but even that was not the same. He longed to discuss Keynesian economics, but didn’t even have pubes. He was old and young at the same time, the tip of Zeno’s paradox perpetually cleaving his reality, forever alone and soured as a result.

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Dark Horse Three Guys Off the Scale SOUR VERSION, Apparently if you ruin beer, you can just call it SOUR VERSION

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Let’s clear the air right away: I love bourbon barrel plead the 5th. It is one of my favorite BB stouts out there, without qualification. That being said, there have been a series of questionable ass releases from those metal brewers up in depressing ass Norway Michigan. First, Fore Stout was a weird thin smokey mess. Then Borubon Barrel Mosnter 29 was somehow thinner, boozier, yet with a lower ABV than regular Monster 29 and was totally imbalanced. After I opened this actual monster, I figured I would work Dark Horse over with a bicycle chain for a bit in today’s review

BEAUTY CONTEST WINNER: DO NOT PASS GO.

BEAUTY CONTEST WINNER: DO NOT PASS GO.

Dark Horse Brewing Company
Michigan, United States

Style | ABV
American Barleywine | 15.00% ABV (? I guess)
The bottle didn’t say, so I just assumed that the infected mess was similar in attenuation/bugs/vermin levels.

A: Beauty contest winrar alert: a beer this is. Look at that sloppy merlot mess. Are you drinking a 1500 bottle waxed release because the dead flat pour looks like you are enjoying some Kendal Jackson Merlot at an Applebees. No bubbles at all, it’s like a pour straight from a carboy, as lackluster as that dumbass new Jason Bateman movie, and equally predictable. The sheeting is clear and intense, with no residual sugars to balance out this imbalaced ass scale. And look at that janky ass label, was this approved? It looks like some homebrewer printed that shit off a HP Bubblejet printer, I had it in my fridge for like 4 days and the condensation already had that ink running like mascara on a fat girl’s face after prom.

If this is a sign of sours and old ales to come, I am out.

If this is a sign of sours and old ales to come, I am out.

S: Well I hope you like red apple vinegar, now mix in with your Melange 3. That is exactly what is going on here, there is this fusel cherry jolly rancher with a splash of a musky cabernet. It honestly reminds me of “accidentally” soured home brews where it straddles both genres so hard that it barely qualifies as either a wild or an old ale. Leave a fruit by the foot in a locker for a week, then enjoy it, you have just had Three Guys off the Scale, you won the beer game.

T: The rabbit hole goes deeper, take that classic caramel and nice roast from Hair of the Dog Adam, now go ahead and dump some acrimonious vinegar into it, but don’t even blend it to taste, just Bobby Flay that shit from shoulder height. The finish is intensely dry and I don’t know if it is oak or if it just busted open HSV sores in my mouth that I didn’t even know were there. It finishes with a taste I can only describe as “currency.” One time when I was a kid I clutched a bunch of dimes and went to the store and bought some candy, so sweaty ass coins and Skittles, that is basically what is going on here. Not exactly a panty dropper, even by Michigan standards, where a size 10 is literally a dime, that is top of the line.

Give your kids this beer early on, it will Uncle Donald their asses into hating beer.

Give your kids this beer early on, it will Uncle Donald their asses into hating beer.

M: This is dry, cracking, yet sickeningly fusel at the same time. The completely tepid nature doesn’t do it any favors, it just lays there and gets pounded like Ben Kingsley in Gandhi trying to get his vote on. I don’t want to pound this point home further but, there is no way this was intentionally sour, nor could it have passed the QC panel. I tasted “One” and it is a legitimate oatmeal stout, this, this is like if they left the brewing doors open and they let a bunch of disadvantaged Detroit youth try their hand at real world working times as a brewer. Then sold it.

D: On a scale from one to “call an oral surgeon” this is a Bluelady. If you don’t know what that means, you are lucky, this was incredibly difficult to finish and I even let it warm up and well, that was a mistake, this beer went HAM and was like “THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!!!” and turned into a huge infected hydra, like most people’s ex-wives. I could barely get this down while watching The Room, I was like OH HAI DOGGY.

This beer is off the scale

This beer is off the scale

Narrative: Liz Wilkerson thumbed the elastic waistband of her Lane Bryant stretch pants and looked out over the desolate Michigan winter. She looked over the gazing starlets in US! Weekly and longed to be like Zooey Deschanel, wearing clothes that did not come from Fashion Bug or Tuesday Morning. She ran the tips of her fingers over the smooth fissures of her stretch marks, reminders of where she had been, and where she could not return. Life working at Michigan’s most esteemed winery was fine, for the 4 months of the year that the vines got sun, but the rest of the time she looked out upon the cold dead poplars and wondered what those tropical ass people in Kansas were up to, much less Floridians. She tried her best, but no one wanted her, at least not in her current state, she was on and off the scale, constantly mulling over her appearance, bemoaning other more beautiful girls, girls whose incisors actually made contact. She was big, sour, ungainly, and unwanted, and everyone in Flint knew it.

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Kern River Citra versus Hill Farmstead Double Galaxy Double IPA, LET’S SETTLE THIS SHIT ONCE AND FOR ALL

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Vermont traders get their tampon applicators all sideways when people compare Kern River offerings to Hill Farmstead stuff. Sure both are in the middle of nowhere, Kern has a river and people who still wear Metal Mullisha, Vermont has maple syrup drenched liberals and people hella into Iron and Wine. Which is worse? Tough call I guess. Anyway, today we are gonna take two top 100 DIPAs head to head and settle this shit once and for all, until Ephraim is brewed at the same time as Citra, we will settle for this middleweight fight. A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS

TOE TO TOE, two DIPAs enter, ONE DIPA LEAVES ALIVE. .....FIGHT.

TOE TO TOE, two DIPAs enter, ONE DIPA LEAVES ALIVE. …..FIGHT.

Reigning champion:

Kern River Brewing Company
California, United States
American Double / Imperial IPA | 8.00% ABV

see the full review here: IF YOU ARE SLIPPING ON YOUR SHIT READ THE CITRA REVIEW

A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS:

Hill Farmstead Brewery
Vermont, United States
American Double / Imperial IPA | 8.00% ABV

stop being a hater, read the review here: READ THIS SHIT ALREADY

A: Look at those two, you get a crazy radiant glow from the DG but Citra stands poised with a deep grapefruit gold radiance, tough to call it on appearance alone. I love that deep yellow and radiation aspect of DG, but Citra seems more controlled in execution in its unbalanced balance, if that makes sense. If Bell’s Oracle is the moustache twirling asshole of the DIPA world, these are both heros. On appearance alone, I will have to give it to Double Galaxy because the saison lover in me is poking through my boxers, JUST THE TIP.

WINRAR: DOUBLE TO THE GALAXEEEZE

It's tough to make this GIF relevant to these beers but, solid execution.

It’s tough to make this GIF relevant to these beers but, solid execution.

S: The bouquet of DG is more acidic and lends itself to mask the abv flawlessly, albeit in a more one dimensional aspect. If you like Megan Fox tits, one dimension in Transformers is all you need. Citra has a bit more sweetness and honey aspect with a resinous profile to round out the experience, so let’s call it Brando in On the Waterfront, a paradigm of complexity but ultimately the same lack of balance. They both smell amazing and I will again liken DG to a Corvette, Citra is the Carrera, not excessive, but with a degree of hopthrottle control in the straight aways.

WINRAR: CITRA

T: Both of these present a crazy aspect of citrus executed via alpha acids, Double Galaxy just takes a strongarm bouncer approach reaching almost tangerine and Orangina, or if you are poor as fuck, Orange juice. Again, Citra imparts this aspect of TOOL fan/8th grader backpack that lets loose a resinous petruli oil finish to it that is strange if you dont fuck women on a spread of Tarot cards. I am not here to judge though. Burn incense with Citra, rub coke on your gums with Double Galaxy, in the end, you are still boning vegan chicks either way.

DIPA walez, dont stop getitgetit

DIPA walez, dont stop getitgetit

WINRAR: CITRA

M: The thin body of the Double Galaxy is fucking amazing given the Barret .50 cal this is holding underneath. I would hazard a guess that Shaun Hill has by proxy made so many size 9 Lane Bryant Vermont women pregnant with his beers than anyone else in the game. At first I felt like I was having a tame ass saison in a way, then it transitions into almost a nod to Ithaca Brute with the acidity and it finishes with a panache and aplomb of juice that is staggering. Citra has more of a solid dockworker finish to it, you know it is bad ass, you dont try and step to it, but it is predictable and within the realm of the DIPA world and came into the game feet first like a breached birth. If you are cock throbbing on that BJCP level, then maybe Citra is your Boo, kiss her resinous neck, but to the weird fetishists, DG is your baby, down to crazy hopsex.

WINRAR: Double Galaxy

D: So DG is thinner so it automatically wins this right? FUCKING WRONG. While it is thin and easy to drink, Citra presents a complexity like a Mars Volta album that stands up over many many many pints, as my EBT account will attest. I love DG, but the execution is more of a 750ml than the marathon boning that you get from Citra. There is a reason at this moment there are 14 ISO: Citra posts and not a single FT. People buy it and drink the fuck out of it, no questions asked. While DG is imbalanced and incredible, it doesn’t have that take home to mom appeal, its a madman that can take you to dangerous new territory, but you don’t fall in love with it, you just rub your hop cones to it later on.

WINRAR: CITRA

Get your cones blasting, shit is so alpha

Get your cones blasting, shit is so alpha

OVERALL WINRAR: CITRA.

Don’t come to me with your paltry ass Expo and Hopslam questions, these beers exist in a completely different realm. Not hating, but we are talking the God Tier of DIPAs.

Hill Farmstead needs to brew Ephraim in concert with a Citra release so we can finally settle this #1 DIPA of all time dispute.

One more for posterity

THAT IS WHAT WE CALL CLOSURE IN THE BEER WORLD

THAT IS WHAT WE CALL CLOSURE IN THE BEER WORLD

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Bullfrog Blue Condition Wild Ale, For PA Residents Still Hoping for Walez From That Aging Matriarch

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I am going to address the residents of Pennsylvania for a moment here, so everyone else with dental insurance can tune out for a second: Bullfrog will not return to its previous glory. It was a marvelous time, but that age is over. I know you look longingly at Blue Cheer and Black Cherry Bomb and Bee Keeper and think of those simpler times but those beers were released back when it was illegal to hook up with chicks born in 1990. Now that is totally legal and the current state of affairs is in god damn shambles. People were all full sail when Oud 15 came out and the rest of us were all like “wait, 13% wild ale no one has tasted that everyone wants to trade away, hold on a second.” I know an anal bleaching when I see one. Anyway, let’s see what Bullfrog is up to in today’s growler only release, for the haters.

Frog Stomp. We are making Silverchair references now.

Frog Stomp. We are making Silverchair references now.

Bullfrog Brewery
Pennsylvania, United States
American Wild Ale | 8.00% ABV


Because today we will be stomping…on Frog…God damnit you probably didn’t even lift in the 90s.

A: The carbonation is minimal and I don’t really want to blame fedex for this because I feel that some of this has to do with the body of the beer itself, which is on a Natalie Portman level of thinness and flatness and lacking tits in general. The look is a bit darker than I like my wild ales, but I don’t want to get things in a maltist ass prejudicial discussion. The dull copper and amber is nice but nothing to break out the charcoal set and draw like one of your French girls.

It is a down economy, I should be grateful for brewery only growler only releases, but, I am an insouciant prick. I dont even like beer.

It is a down economy, I should be grateful for brewery only growler only releases, but, I am an insouciant prick. I dont even like beer.

S: This is really muted and the acidity just kinda lays there with a light berry tannin that lets you pump away for $120, but doesn’t get into it. It is all business for this old blue cheer, and no one reads reviews of escorts beers anyway. Hey, you want some worse news? You have a full 64 ounces of this to deal with, AND YOU JUST FINISHED ASSASSIN’S CREED III. There is a bit of oak and some really tame acidity like the inside of a fruity pebbles box, but it is like that point during hooking up when you realize that you arent going any further than fingerbanging, and you have to leave the Hardee’s parking lot and drive home with your hand smelling all like Progresso soup. Kinda disappointing.

Two whole liters of this? Can I cho cho choose to drink something else?

Two whole liters of this? Can I cho cho choose to drink something else?

T: This is incredibly thin and simple in execution with a sort of metallic meets fusel alcohol character that is quickly covered by a sort of gushers/fruit roll up berry aspect. This comes across kinda like a weird Belgian golden that got mixed up with a weird berry gang so then you see them and you are like all “ok, a gang of Hmongs….wait…is that a fruit of the looms guy?” The aftertastes is kinda like Mike N Ike’s but in a movie theater sort of “fuck my mouth tastes like plastic” sort of way.

I thought I was gonna have some bad ass blueberry blabaer wild ale Cable Car hybrid, instead I got smashed frogs and berries

I thought I was gonna have some bad ass blueberry blabaer wild ale Cable Car hybrid, instead I got smashed frogs and berries

M: This would help if they didn’t decide to attempt to pound 8% abv into what is essentially a Honda CRX chassis. This is far too thin for what they were attempting to accomplish, give me something to hold onto. Ladies, you ever hook up with a swimmer and get creeped out because he is all smoothe? JUST KIDDING WOMEN DO NOT READ THIS WEBSITE YOU JUST HAD HOMOSEX THOUGHTS.

D: This is thin enough that you would think it would be something that you could take down easily but I shared this 2L growler and was bored pretty early into this endeavor. I actually started watching Do the Right Thing while I was drinking this and the beer was somehow worse than that shitty one dimensional movie, so one a scale from one to Spike Lee, this is Radio Rahim.

If the past 3 years of beer have been disappointing, maybe you should blame the PA beer reviewers?

If the past 3 years of beer have been disappointing, maybe you should blame the PA beer reviewers?

Narrative: “You sure you don’t need a ride home Mike?” Mrs. Chalmers offered to Mike while he sat and pounded his mitt looking off into the pouring down rain waiting for his absentee brother. It has been a long time since Mike’s brother Devin had done anything right for him, constantly abandoning him at practice, forgetting to support him, despite this he longed for that day when amazing things would happen again. He thought back to 2006 when life was good, things were simple, they would practice apiary and pick black cherries but now it was a series of let downs and even his friends went to hang out at Tired Hands Day Camp, which seemed to offer more fun activities than his asshole brother could muster these days. It wasn’t Mike’s fault, he was just living in the past, but the thinly veiled metaphors kept passing him on.

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2010 4Loko pre-ban Lemon Lime taurine/ginseng variant, Ecto Cooler and Meth Make For Awesome Preteen Partying

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OH shit, shattering all molds on this site, losing all sense of journalistic credibility, giving up my esteemed street status by reviewing MALTED BEVERAGES. That would be like complaining that putting a bumper sticker on your Chevy Aveo somehow made it more shitty. You can’t get less than zero pussy, like, you can’t owe people vagina. In that same vein, why not slay whales and then review complete garbage? Well that is what we are going to do today.

What is a fucking malt beverage? The term malt beverage is applied to many other flavored drinks prepared from malted grains to which natural or artificial flavors (and sometimes colors) have been added to make them taste and appear similar to wines, fruits, colas, natural ciders, or other beverages. This subcategory has been called “malternative,” as in Smirnoff Ice, which also has energy components like caffeine. Marketing of such products in the United States has increased rapidly in recent years. DID YOU JUST LEARN SOMETHING? Let’s get to backseat banging in this tawdry ass review

Full Disclosure: I am pretty confident that Hill Farmstead had no hand in brewing this because they were super busy in 2010.

Full Disclosure: I am pretty confident that Hill Farmstead had no hand in brewing this because they were super busy in 2010.

2010 Four Loko Lemon Lime
Shithole Brewing, Midwest
12% Abv

A: Just look at that radioactive disaster, it looks like Ecto Cooler, depleted uranium, a whole spread of unnatural colors and dyes that would make a Vegan person have a miscarriage. In a weird way, it is actually kinda pretty, sick emerald tones, kinda reminds me of that movie Tommy Knockers where the aliens start raging on everyone and spraying green light everywhere. I can tell this will probably give me prostate cancer but you gots to pay the costs to be the baws.

This is strange, not what you are expecting and you are going to be embarrassed later.

This is strange, not what you are expecting and you are going to be embarrassed later.

S: God damn, this is like spraying lemon pledge on your urethra and enjoying the fruity burn. This is like solvent mixed with lemon jolly ranchers that were washed in some courduroy jeans. You get a sticky fruit aspect but this overwhelming ghost of hate that lets you know where the bodies are buried. The priceless 3 years of aging in aluminum has done this beer wonders as the energy blend is fully integrated and I can hardly smell the hydroxycut in the substrate. Some shit is too wild to handle, its like when you are almost scared to hook up with a girl based on the ferocity of the hand job. In the same vein this presents just too much, too harsh, rubbing zippers all up in your nose. If you have a mortgage or have seen Shawshank Redemption, you might not be the target audience for this clasic gem.

T: Ok here, get an apple ring pop, then dip it in Pine Sol, roll it across some shag carpet, then rub it on your gums. You just got the full LOKO experience. This serious is painful to drink and each pull of the 12% burns and is also sticky at the same time. When you exhale this plastic taste lingers in the air, shaming you, reminding you of all the people you have hurt in your life, and you feel stronger having confronted this fruity asshole. If you were one of those kids who tried to eat the scented markers when you were younger, this might be up your alley. You also might have Down Syndrome, but you are at this website, so welcome home.

GET HIGH ON CAFFEINE TELL PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM SHE WANTS A HUG JUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

GET HIGH ON CAFFEINE TELL PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM SHE WANTS A HUG JUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

M: This just burns and amazes me that this was no fooling offered up on shelves for 15 year olds to purchase. One thing I will mention is that this makes you sweat like a mother fucker, like one who fucks mothers. It also gives you a swift reminder that there’s plenty of skin INSIDE your mouth that needs to be eaten. Expect to lock your jaw after 24oz of this and do annoying shit like tap your foot a lot and start telling people about how Secret of Mana is an overlooked SNES classic. Shit like that. If you need to experience what it is like to be a homeless person with baller ass tastes, this could be your fruit bouquet.

D: This really depends, first, ask yourself “have my pubes come in yet?” if your answer is “they are getting there” you might be the target market for this fruity trainwreck. This will get you really drunk, also really energetic, you can break things without remorse, wake up and try and figure out why there are smashed goldfish crackers all over the place THIS BEER IS NON STOP FUN. I am amazed that this beer has the same ABV as Parabola, except when I drink one people think I am classy and when I drink the other people think I am a child molestor. DROP YOUR PREJUDICES OKAY.

taurine and 12% abv will make you see things in a powerful new way

taurine and 12% abv will make you see things in a powerful new way

Narrative: The roller rink had limited charm, especially at the ripe age of 12. Mark Bullwain’s adolescent frame shook with hormones, insecurity and uncertainty. He was scoping out the hottest chicks in his grade, rocking Limited Too shirts, striding effortlessly across the lacquer floor. “KEEP CALM MARK, THEY ARE JUST PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU” he said and fidgeted with the laces on his sick Roces skates. One girl, Hannah Tupentur was rocking unfathomable B cups and Mark couldn’t take it anymore. He went outside and met his muse, a drunken old leatherworker in the back alley named “Sponger.” Sponger smiled his vacant grin and leaned forward with a brightly colored can of magical elixir. After indulging in the vomit inducing tonic, Mark was on cloud 5678 and 9 at the same time. He bombed the skating rink at full speed, not stopping for anyone, despite clear reproach. Breasts, smiles, awkwardness all went out the window when Mark began grinding his molars until he tasted lemons and pennies. He was later hospitalized when he tried to do a Jamie Thomas leap of faith off of the concession stand and broke his clavicle. Just another solid night at the old roller rink.

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Avery Odio Equum, Proof that not all Sours Are Created Equal (AMBIGUOUS TITLES FTW)

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Man everyone is all kinda of butthurt about 12oz Black Note and just when the midwest about to sit on a rubber donut, Kopi Luwak Speedway comes out and prolapses their beer anuses even further. I wanted to get away from stouts for a bit to survey something we don’t get enough of on this site: MEDIOCRE ASS SOUR BEERS. Avery has turned out some solid beers in their 13 different offerings, but they have also lobbed some vinegar grenades that are like a Tempe taint after a long bike ride. This is closer to the taint side, but not for the reasons you would expect. IN WRITING WE CALL THAT A CLIFFHANGE-

Odio, sour odio,...would a rose by any other name taste as butyric?

Odio, sour odio,…would a rose by any other name taste as butyric?

Avery Brewing Company
Colorado, United States
American Wild Ale | 7.10% ABV

A: This has a deep muddy crimson aspect to it with burnt sienna meets magenta all up in the mix and very little wispy carbonation that subsides almost instantly. It looks kinda like if you took Consecration and beat its ass so bad that when you get into the beer hospital it is all taped up and all you can do it pat its hand and assure Consecration that they will find whoever did this to it.

You come expecting a fruity treat and leave with a savage bite.

You come expecting a fruity treat and leave with a savage bite.

S: This smelled like red wine vinegar at the outset when it was really cold and then I realized that I was beating a peanutbutter cunt drinking a beer at like 45 degrees, so I went and watched an episode of MTV Catfish to feel better about myself and returned. When I came back, the vinegar had spread its legs and introduced a minor aspect of some cranberry with a light blackberry on the backend, like the smallest dirtiest child in a foster home. There was some serious sour abuse going on here. WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS ACETYL HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE?

T: This just seriously goes butyric and tart to the point that it almost has a salinity to it. I don’t mean this in the sloppy labia crybaby way like when people try Cantillon for the first time, I mean this is one note, and that one note is not enjoyable, like the movie White Chicks. You get this intense grenadine meets soda left out after a sleepover, there is a bit of oak drying your gumline and giving you cankersores, the vinegar dryness finishes strong and lets you know that you aren’t welcome in Colorado. I want to say “oh but the fruit profile balances out the blahblahstrokingitblah” but I cannot. The fruit is like when you see a crew of homies and there is the one super small dude who does most of the out of the way tagging. It is hardly the dominant person up in the mix. This is not horrible, it is not as bad as something like Pipeworks Blue Lady, but YOU FEEL LIKE AVERY PHONED IT IN.

Once you open this, something seems very off.

Once you open this, something seems very off.

M: See above, as dry as the scenery and acting in Lawrence of Arabia, painful almost. I let it warm to see if there was some complexity to this, but at best it feels like the beautiful Consecration got wasted and boned the horrible Allagash Vagabond and this beast was the result. AND HERE WE ARE TO PICK UP THE PIECES. This is simply too tart in a way that has no redeeming balance. People who don’t know shit will be like “AHHH YEAHH I LOVEEE SOURSS LIKE THISS, YOU JUST…YOU CANT…HANG” I killed 2010 Weyerbacher Riserva myself, I dont need some weak penis lecture on sour beers, this lacks balance and YOUR TASTEBUDS ARE FUCKING WRONG.

D: Not very.

Alright I guess I have to say more than that unless I want this to look like a shitty youtube review. The biggest problem is the dryness that has no balance from the fruit or barrel characteristics. Perhaps a malties base beer would have offset the effects of the salty vinegar dryness, I don’t know, my job is to bitch and complain. If you come into this expecting some 2007 Rodenbach Grand Reserve treat, prepare for sads. You would be better served with a Duchess, better still Supplication, even more so Consecration. Or, call me crazy, stop being a poor fuck and spend $20 on Bruery Oude Tart and give your grandkids something to be proud of you for.

When it kicks in, you feel it in your jaw. And testicles.

When it kicks in, you feel it in your jaw. And testicles.

Narrative: Francis Brackery bought a crumbling house on a fallow raspberry farm. No one thought to tell him that berries would not grow well in central Nebraska, and as a result he was bitter and acrimonious to the core. Children would come to his house on Halloween, dressed in their shabby Nebraska costumes, Austin Powers, the Mask, lots of recycled items from other wealthier states, and he would give them hard unripe fruit in their pillow sacks. Francis looked out the window and heard the crabapples bounce off of his windows, hard and unwanted. One day while poking around in the cellar, he found a false wall that extended into a substantial underground chamber with rows and rows of crabapple vinegar. “FINALLY A TURN OF LUCK FOR OLD FRANNY BRACKERY!” he exclaimed, knocking a pot over onto his J Crew khakis, burning his genitals severely. The neighbors being from Nebraska were naturally as poor as the day is long and could offer no help. Now old man Brackery just rocks in his glider on the porch, looking into his mangled crabapple burns, thinking of what could have been.

2

Logsdon Farmhouse Ales Peche ‘n Brett, Get Ready to Get your Peaches Gripped

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With everyone getting a fat throbbing alerection about this beer’s upcoming release, I figured I would let you know my impressions of this beer FROM BACK WHEN IT WAS MORE RARE AND THEREFORE MORE DELICIOUS. When this came out last year, people were still playing catchup and figuring out that this brewery bears a striking resemblance to a certain Vermont saison factory, but now that people know about how dank the regular old Saison Bretta is, I am sure this will be a shitshow which the PnW traders will administrate lovingly. I still can barely sit after that Cherry Adam from the Wood release. Let’s smash some peaches and stop fucking around.

The peach is there, but it doesn't taste like any of the Bretts that I know, WAKKAWAKKAWAKKA

The peach is there, but it doesn’t taste like any of the Bretts that I know, WAKKAWAKKAWAKKA

Logsdon Farmhouse Ales
Oregon, United States
American Wild Ale | 10.00% ABV

A: This is a messy old bottom of the carboy sort of affair. Smash up a bunch of saltines into a glass of Cable Car and you will be on point with how this looks. No one ever said saisons were beautiful, I SAID IT WOULD BE WORTH IT. The carbonation, as usual is excessive and goes hard in the paint, gushing all over my face and chest prior to payment. There is substantial lacing that appears wispy and then disappears forthright. The orange hues are inviting and make you bite your lip like reading Shades of Grey outside an elementary school.

what do you know about rare variant ticks? PEACHING IT LIKE A BOSS.

what do you know about rare variant ticks? PEACHING IT LIKE A BOSS.

S: This has a fantastic dryness to it that gushes hay, musk, puppy fur, peaches, apricots, and a wet leather. The fruit is actually in the back spinning records, not trying to take over the show, just supporting, making everyone wet. Smells like if someone crashed a Fantome truck into the truck delivering Upright Fantasia, AND EVERYONE WINS.

T: This is incredibly dry in execution at the outset and you brace yourself for a brett bomb but at the last minute they cut the peach wire and your palate is saved. The fruit again is not the main character but it imparts a sort of unity to the beer what with all the musk, cornbread, biscuit malt, hay, juicy juice, and Greek peach yogurt. This doesn’t get to that Fantome Ete smoothie level, but it is toeing THE FUCKING LINE. Also, if you have had Hill Farmstead Mimosa, this is suspiciously close to execution in many ways. Maybe those two breweries are saison eskimo brothers, pounding the same bugs. I am not a scientist, ask Rempo.

This beer is sweet, gentle, and a little dirty at the same time.

This beer is sweet, gentle, and a little dirty at the same time.

M: This is dry but not offputting because there is enough fruit and residual sugars from making this a super chardonnay heavy affair, I AM LOOKING AT YOU HILL FARMSTEAD E. Enough buttressing this review with references to other beers, this is refreshing and offers the biggest sniper 10% abv this side of Fantome Extra sour, seriously it sneaks in that bitch and starts riot shielding people in the skull. If you want to get faded really quickly and not know what happened, this is the beer for it. You will pop Skyrim in and wake up smelling like maple syrup with your character power leveled. Shit is real tight.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and unless you go to FIDM or are a negligent ass undergrad, I don’t know who could put these back on the reg and function in life. I could chain combo 2 of these together, but then I would start bidding on Marvel Masterpiece cards on eBay and all kinds of tawdry shit so maybe this beer being hard to find is a good thing. MAYBE THE MARKET IS ACTUALLY HELPING ME.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THIS IS NOT A FRUITED SAISON

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THIS IS NOT A FRUITED SAISON

Narrative: “Most people think that the Brita water cleans the water but it actually adds sodium sulfates to the hyd-” Your mind begins to wander and you look at Keith in disbelief that he would talk about water purification for 4 miles of this 12 mile hike. “Yeah I get it, brita, bottled water, so did you see Celebrity Apprentice last week?” “What? no no man you’re missing it, man you are just focusing on the end product if you-” Well now you went and did it, another rant, another incline, you went and taunted the complex mind and now you must deal with his single note expression. It is like a genius with an extremely limited scope, and your hydrolysis knowledge is exponentially grown. he begins to grow on you, his affectations and the glint of his eyes when he explains the separation of nitrate sulfides, you are listening, if only superficially. “So it IS NOT REALLY THE REVERSE OSMOSIS AT ALL!” he exclaimed while you picked a wild peach and bit into the skin, embracing the wild knowledge being dropped on you. The amount of balls tripped would not be insubstantial.

0

Cigar City Double Barrel Marshall Zhukov, Beating Your Children After One Barrel Is Not Enough. DOUBLE IT.

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Florida used to rustle everyone’s jimmies with cries of homerism and being a hype machine but lately I have not heard a peep out of people getting pissed at small bottle runs or inaccessible wales. Let us go back to 2010 when walez were in full swing and did not trade for offshelf bottles purchased at Binny’s. This is DOUBLE FUCKING BARREL ZHUKOV. They aged it in bourbon AND brandy barrels, so if you are an indecisive prick, you get two barrels. Oh also this was a bottle run of ~219 bottles, so you probably don’t get either barrel. So think about that shit before you open up that CTRL+SHIFT+N window and start stroking it to these pics.

If you are pissed at the lighting and want to get all Sean Van Taggen on me, go get your own bottle and bisect a bag of dicks.

If you are pissed at the lighting and want to get all Sean Van Taggen on me, go get your own bottle and bisect a bag of dicks.

Cigar City Brewing
Florida, United States

Style | ABV
American Double / Imperial Stout | 11.50% ABV

A: Truthfully, this looks pretty shitty. It pours out a bit thinner than Huna in execution and doesn’t leave much in the way of lacing, but that MIGHT BE BECAUSE IT IS AS FLAT AS NATALIE PORTMAN AFTER BIKRAM YOGA. There is zero bubbles, no suds, no foam, no laotian people rubbing me down. No Table Shower, no fun to speak of. This shit is Kikoman’s Finest Hour, and sits there all placid like a Presbytarian on her wedding night. Fucking boring, crack open some BIC pens, boom instant Double Zhukov. Next section.

This is familiar, yet, strangely disquieting. These sweatpants are coming off.

This is familiar, yet, strangely disquieting. These sweatpants are coming off.

S: This smells dank as balls. There is a huge cherry and bourbon aspect but then that trickster brandy comes in with a sweet molasses meets mallow foam, like when your dick comes just a lil bit out of the hole in your boxers, not making itself completely known, but it is there. There is a sweet roast and char that reminds me of Darkness but the complexity of TWO BARRELS AT THE SAME DAMN TIME

I know I already posted this video. Allocating Fucks to be Given….processing….

ZERO RESULTS FOUND.

T: This tastes fucking amazing and reminds me if Bourbon Huna fucked Apple Brandy Huna, sticky black ink scissoring my timbers. You get chocolate, cocoa, sticky werther’s original and this black cherry finish to it like 4th of July BBQs. The sweetness in the end lingers like licking the brownie batter bowl, your creepy uncle just sits, watching you get your face all up in that stout bowl.

I def recommend this bottle, if you land it 3 years after release, mad props bro

I def recommend this bottle, if you land it 3 years after release, mad props bro

M: This is thick as to be expected from MZ, but it somehow is THINNER, like when Foothill pulls its magic trick and makes Sexual Chocolate thinner after its “barrel aging” for 1 trimester. I like it though, Huna has its own thing going on and this is more of a Foo Fighter to the intense Nirvana residual sugars present in Huna. This is more approachable and takes the sheeting slow, no diggity, you gotta bag it up.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable FOR THE WRONG REASONS. This is delicious yes, but the complete lack of carbonation makes this almost more like a baller ass Cabernet than a world class stout. You have to take bigger gulps to get that fulfillment. No entendre, there’s been enough for one review. I would recommend this certainly, but if you had your balls in a vice grip and had to choose, I would pick Bourbon Huna, but that is a pretty fucking strange scenario for your testicles.

Land a massive wale and complain about it. Do it for the lulz

Land a massive wale and complain about it. Do it for the lulz

Narrative: The 7th grade dance was going swimmingly, Boyz II men was spinning with luster and the boys and girls were partitioned with natural precision. It seemed like a traditional affair, girls and boys alike rife with insecurity, until Daniel Chambers entered the mediocre gym with the pre-teen swagger only an awkward lack of pubescence could produce. He was overly sweet with a miller’s outpost shirt that boasted a screen printed witticism that would make Voltaire blush. The Tony Rich project comes on and he walks through a group of knock kneed pre-women a solid 6 inches taller than him. It was not inconsequential that with his overriding sweetness, Daniel delivered backhanded insults to each of the already completely insecure girls, imparting a tart finish that was both forgotten immediately but left them wanting more. He deserved all his misfortunes, for he was a product of a botched marriage and wrought his vengeance upon the student body. As his swan song he slammed into a small filipino girl during basket case and was delivered resounding accords.