I think I have finally figured the modern beer community out: shitty tastings have generated the worst scores/reviews ever. First Untappd introduced this single digit system for beta casuals to quickly log their 1 ounce pours, then BeerAdvocate, never slow to the development game, added a single digit feature like 5 years later. You see these photos of 71 bottles at a share, and 19 redfaced greasy dudes, one sad asian girlfriend, and wonder “what the fuck are these people even doing?” The end result is the fanfare and celebration of today’s undrinkable glucose leviathan. Sure if you have a 2 ounce pour, the relentlessly sweet and aggro beer will stick out and you can quickly drop a “5” on an unbalanced monster before moving on to a BORING NOT EVEN SOUR saison, “3.5.” In this format of increasingly rare beers and tickers who need to supplement their self esteem with honorary pours, of course you will need a cadre of dumbshits to land all these bottles, and they will all open them on the same day and split them like fractals into ever infinitesimal bits.
Today’s beer is perfect for the emerging community.
Cigar City, Flerida
15% abv milk sweet stout with confectioner’s sugar and Dr. Pepper soda syrup added
A: Ok so it’s a 15% milk stout, so we get those deep black tones and beautiful beige foam capping things off. You get streaky lacing and it is admittedly a very pretty beer. It doesn’t stain the shit out of your glass like Huna or Abyss and things seem pretty okay…for now.
S: WAIT ONE SECOND, I think someone swiped my bottle of BCBS and dumped a few capfuls of cherry Nyquil into it. There’s sticky mexican chocolate from the Panaderia and then this intense red life savers, sucrets, cherry cordial, a sort of port sherry meets Nestle Quik with a 5 hour boil. The whole thing wraps up with a sort of black patent malt sharpie undercurrent that is Mikkeller’s own panache and spin on a milk stout pumped with Mako straight from Shinra.
T: Oh god, the nightmares just keep intensifying and the cherry trees from Oz molest me relentlessly. This has an incredible burst of melted fruit roll up, cadburry creme eggs, cherry gushers, and waves upon waves of hefty Betty Crocker frosting. It’s like when you finish cooling stout wort and dip your finger in and taste it, then you mix that with a Roy Rodgers. Grenadine notes are on full pump, like they made this chocolate Tyrant with one huge cherry tree for an arm and only Umbrella Corp could engineer such a behemoth to be released upon the public. Your mouth is a Racoon City left in chocolatey shambles.
M: This isn’t as thick as some other Cigar City offerings and that almost makes it even worse because at least with a massive heft it could usher away some of the sickening cherry notes. If you have ever left a cherry Home Run Pie in your backpack you will know these feels. It isn’t fusel at 15% and feels integrated if not for the completely distracting domestic violence taking place in your sweet zones. This makes Cherry Rye seem reasonable by contrast and Cherry Rye was already pushing the envelope in trifling levels.
D: While not as completely vile as one of the WACKY barrel aged darklord offerings, it is pretty damn similar in that regard. I drank this whole thing by myself and watched Samsara, contemplating my own destruction and integration back into the nothingness. All that would remain of my doughy frame would be immutable red 5 and chains of C6H12o6 pumping into space. It is really not enjoyable and, perhaps in the new community of stupid shits with FlickR or self aggrandizing through liquid mediums, this may work. If you gave me 3 ounce of this I might just power through it and not look back but, an entire 750ml feels like a cold punchline executed upon the consumer. Maybe Mikkeller is just Andy Kaufmanning the fuck out of the beer community and giving high fives back in Denmark, ever contemplating what else the Americans will subject themselves to. Maybe that.