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2010 4Loko pre-ban Lemon Lime taurine/ginseng variant, Ecto Cooler and Meth Make For Awesome Preteen Partying

OH shit, shattering all molds on this site, losing all sense of journalistic credibility, giving up my esteemed street status by reviewing MALTED BEVERAGES. That would be like complaining that putting a bumper sticker on your Chevy Aveo somehow made it more shitty. You can’t get less than zero pussy, like, you can’t owe people vagina. In that same vein, why not slay whales and then review complete garbage? Well that is what we are going to do today.

What is a fucking malt beverage? The term malt beverage is applied to many other flavored drinks prepared from malted grains to which natural or artificial flavors (and sometimes colors) have been added to make them taste and appear similar to wines, fruits, colas, natural ciders, or other beverages. This subcategory has been called “malternative,” as in Smirnoff Ice, which also has energy components like caffeine. Marketing of such products in the United States has increased rapidly in recent years. DID YOU JUST LEARN SOMETHING? Let’s get to backseat banging in this tawdry ass review

Full Disclosure: I am pretty confident that Hill Farmstead had no hand in brewing this because they were super busy in 2010.

Full Disclosure: I am pretty confident that Hill Farmstead had no hand in brewing this because they were super busy in 2010.

2010 Four Loko Lemon Lime
Shithole Brewing, Midwest
12% Abv

A: Just look at that radioactive disaster, it looks like Ecto Cooler, depleted uranium, a whole spread of unnatural colors and dyes that would make a Vegan person have a miscarriage. In a weird way, it is actually kinda pretty, sick emerald tones, kinda reminds me of that movie Tommy Knockers where the aliens start raging on everyone and spraying green light everywhere. I can tell this will probably give me prostate cancer but you gots to pay the costs to be the baws.

This is strange, not what you are expecting and you are going to be embarrassed later.

This is strange, not what you are expecting and you are going to be embarrassed later.

S: God damn, this is like spraying lemon pledge on your urethra and enjoying the fruity burn. This is like solvent mixed with lemon jolly ranchers that were washed in some courduroy jeans. You get a sticky fruit aspect but this overwhelming ghost of hate that lets you know where the bodies are buried. The priceless 3 years of aging in aluminum has done this beer wonders as the energy blend is fully integrated and I can hardly smell the hydroxycut in the substrate. Some shit is too wild to handle, its like when you are almost scared to hook up with a girl based on the ferocity of the hand job. In the same vein this presents just too much, too harsh, rubbing zippers all up in your nose. If you have a mortgage or have seen Shawshank Redemption, you might not be the target audience for this clasic gem.

T: Ok here, get an apple ring pop, then dip it in Pine Sol, roll it across some shag carpet, then rub it on your gums. You just got the full LOKO experience. This serious is painful to drink and each pull of the 12% burns and is also sticky at the same time. When you exhale this plastic taste lingers in the air, shaming you, reminding you of all the people you have hurt in your life, and you feel stronger having confronted this fruity asshole. If you were one of those kids who tried to eat the scented markers when you were younger, this might be up your alley. You also might have Down Syndrome, but you are at this website, so welcome home.

GET HIGH ON CAFFEINE TELL PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM SHE WANTS A HUG JUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

GET HIGH ON CAFFEINE TELL PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM SHE WANTS A HUG JUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

M: This just burns and amazes me that this was no fooling offered up on shelves for 15 year olds to purchase. One thing I will mention is that this makes you sweat like a mother fucker, like one who fucks mothers. It also gives you a swift reminder that there’s plenty of skin INSIDE your mouth that needs to be eaten. Expect to lock your jaw after 24oz of this and do annoying shit like tap your foot a lot and start telling people about how Secret of Mana is an overlooked SNES classic. Shit like that. If you need to experience what it is like to be a homeless person with baller ass tastes, this could be your fruit bouquet.

D: This really depends, first, ask yourself “have my pubes come in yet?” if your answer is “they are getting there” you might be the target market for this fruity trainwreck. This will get you really drunk, also really energetic, you can break things without remorse, wake up and try and figure out why there are smashed goldfish crackers all over the place THIS BEER IS NON STOP FUN. I am amazed that this beer has the same ABV as Parabola, except when I drink one people think I am classy and when I drink the other people think I am a child molestor. DROP YOUR PREJUDICES OKAY.

taurine and 12% abv will make you see things in a powerful new way

taurine and 12% abv will make you see things in a powerful new way

Narrative: The roller rink had limited charm, especially at the ripe age of 12. Mark Bullwain’s adolescent frame shook with hormones, insecurity and uncertainty. He was scoping out the hottest chicks in his grade, rocking Limited Too shirts, striding effortlessly across the lacquer floor. “KEEP CALM MARK, THEY ARE JUST PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU” he said and fidgeted with the laces on his sick Roces skates. One girl, Hannah Tupentur was rocking unfathomable B cups and Mark couldn’t take it anymore. He went outside and met his muse, a drunken old leatherworker in the back alley named “Sponger.” Sponger smiled his vacant grin and leaned forward with a brightly colored can of magical elixir. After indulging in the vomit inducing tonic, Mark was on cloud 5678 and 9 at the same time. He bombed the skating rink at full speed, not stopping for anyone, despite clear reproach. Breasts, smiles, awkwardness all went out the window when Mark began grinding his molars until he tasted lemons and pennies. He was later hospitalized when he tried to do a Jamie Thomas leap of faith off of the concession stand and broke his clavicle. Just another solid night at the old roller rink.

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Upright Fantasia, Come Along and Ride on a Fantasia Tick Voyage. Coolio References 50% Off

Here’s a familiar situation, a small run of rare Oregon beers come out, for two week you sit back and watch everyone ask for Blabaer, Vanilla Dark Lord, Black Note (read: things I have already reviewed on this site) and then after two weeks, the reality sets in and people become more reasonable. This is no exception. I have to thank a super generous trader for hooking me up with this peach gem. Absolute Peach O ring all up in my dome piece.

Plenty of peach sours rolling out these days, life is NOT THE PITS.

Upright Brewing, Fantasia, 5.75% abv

A: This has a golden hue to it, like the wild ale that the Argonauts were seeking out. There’s minimal wispy carbonation that just gets phoned in like 11:30 am orders to Dominos on a Sunday. But hey, this ain’t your first rodeo, you know how wild ales roll, all go and no show homie.

Me complaining about this rare peach beer not being sour enough is the pinnacle of first world problems.

S: There’s an acidic and musky nose to it that reminds me kinda of Stetson cologne but with a huge peach waft to it. It reminds me of puberty, smells like awkward kids who need deodorant and sticky peach o ring hands. I like it, not pubescent kids, peach O rings and drinks derived therefrom.

T: This has a fantastic (ba dum tish) crisp initial sweetness of basically anything made by Haribou, nice peachy tang to it that doesn’t overly dominate on the sour spectrum, but it reminds me that life ain’t all about cash money hoes, all a sour knows. There’s a tartness that resounds into a chardonnay sweet note without the oaky dryness. It almost reminds me of a classy ass energy drink, for those discerning truckers who need to jack off en route, but balance it out with a high brow beverage.

Unlike these generic asshats, I would actually seek this beer out again. This beer will actually make it.

M: The coating on this beer is super crisp like juice and doesn’t coat that well, but it would be weird if it had some malty ass base, syrupy peach goopiness. So not a whole lot to comment here, go sip some peach juice mixed with some grapefruit tartness and you’ll get the drying effect down dead on. I don’t need to pad out each section ok, it’s like this one guy I met from Portland said, oh out of space on to the next section-

D: This is incredibly, edibly drinkable. I could cold clock this bottle like a session sour and it has a strange resemblance to a shitty unblended lambic that I once made, albeit, this is the perfect version. My shit 2000 and late. Another crazy aspect to this is it’s relatively low alcohol content and delicious crisp finish makes me wish that I had a solid case of this to share with the bros at Havasu, me and the brahs just chilling at Coachella cracking sick brews and listening to Arcade Fire, a totally solid band.

This beer tears up my gumline, but I forgive it.

Narrative: In the early 16th century life was devoid of peaches for the most part, and all the canon of musical theory was rigid and predicated largely on ecclesiastic works. Then a tree of divine mystery sprang in a Prussian grove, shattering the rigid contemplative nature of formal music. It was really just rotting peaches, but, when moves into the country they inevitably will eat a lot of peaches. With enough fermenting and pitting, the sugars turned out some majestic works in C minor for the clavichord. Baroque composers were known to beat their mistresses savagely after imbibing the strange succor of peach alcohol. This carried stringent, diaphanous connotations. On one hand, the lithe tones of the Fantasia school created a refreshing lightness, it also meant 16th century wives got pounded on in more than a euphemistic fashion.