Cigar City Double Barrel Marshall Zhukov, Beating Your Children After One Barrel Is Not Enough. DOUBLE IT.

Florida used to rustle everyone’s jimmies with cries of homerism and being a hype machine but lately I have not heard a peep out of people getting pissed at small bottle runs or inaccessible wales. Let us go back to 2010 when walez were in full swing and did not trade for offshelf bottles purchased at Binny’s. This is DOUBLE FUCKING BARREL ZHUKOV. They aged it in bourbon AND brandy barrels, so if you are an indecisive prick, you get two barrels. Oh also this was a bottle run of ~219 bottles, so you probably don’t get either barrel. So think about that shit before you open up that CTRL+SHIFT+N window and start stroking it to these pics.

If you are pissed at the lighting and want to get all Sean Van Taggen on me, go get your own bottle and bisect a bag of dicks.

If you are pissed at the lighting and want to get all Sean Van Taggen on me, go get your own bottle and bisect a bag of dicks.

Cigar City Brewing
Florida, United States

Style | ABV
American Double / Imperial Stout | 11.50% ABV

A: Truthfully, this looks pretty shitty. It pours out a bit thinner than Huna in execution and doesn’t leave much in the way of lacing, but that MIGHT BE BECAUSE IT IS AS FLAT AS NATALIE PORTMAN AFTER BIKRAM YOGA. There is zero bubbles, no suds, no foam, no laotian people rubbing me down. No Table Shower, no fun to speak of. This shit is Kikoman’s Finest Hour, and sits there all placid like a Presbytarian on her wedding night. Fucking boring, crack open some BIC pens, boom instant Double Zhukov. Next section.

This is familiar, yet, strangely disquieting.  These sweatpants are coming off.

This is familiar, yet, strangely disquieting. These sweatpants are coming off.

S: This smells dank as balls. There is a huge cherry and bourbon aspect but then that trickster brandy comes in with a sweet molasses meets mallow foam, like when your dick comes just a lil bit out of the hole in your boxers, not making itself completely known, but it is there. There is a sweet roast and char that reminds me of Darkness but the complexity of TWO BARRELS AT THE SAME DAMN TIME

I know I already posted this video. Allocating Fucks to be Given….processing….

ZERO RESULTS FOUND.

T: This tastes fucking amazing and reminds me if Bourbon Huna fucked Apple Brandy Huna, sticky black ink scissoring my timbers. You get chocolate, cocoa, sticky werther’s original and this black cherry finish to it like 4th of July BBQs. The sweetness in the end lingers like licking the brownie batter bowl, your creepy uncle just sits, watching you get your face all up in that stout bowl.

I def recommend this bottle, if you land it 3 years after release, mad props bro

I def recommend this bottle, if you land it 3 years after release, mad props bro

M: This is thick as to be expected from MZ, but it somehow is THINNER, like when Foothill pulls its magic trick and makes Sexual Chocolate thinner after its “barrel aging” for 1 trimester. I like it though, Huna has its own thing going on and this is more of a Foo Fighter to the intense Nirvana residual sugars present in Huna. This is more approachable and takes the sheeting slow, no diggity, you gotta bag it up.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable FOR THE WRONG REASONS. This is delicious yes, but the complete lack of carbonation makes this almost more like a baller ass Cabernet than a world class stout. You have to take bigger gulps to get that fulfillment. No entendre, there’s been enough for one review. I would recommend this certainly, but if you had your balls in a vice grip and had to choose, I would pick Bourbon Huna, but that is a pretty fucking strange scenario for your testicles.

Land a massive wale and complain about it.  Do it for the lulz

Land a massive wale and complain about it. Do it for the lulz

Narrative: The 7th grade dance was going swimmingly, Boyz II men was spinning with luster and the boys and girls were partitioned with natural precision. It seemed like a traditional affair, girls and boys alike rife with insecurity, until Daniel Chambers entered the mediocre gym with the pre-teen swagger only an awkward lack of pubescence could produce. He was overly sweet with a miller’s outpost shirt that boasted a screen printed witticism that would make Voltaire blush. The Tony Rich project comes on and he walks through a group of knock kneed pre-women a solid 6 inches taller than him. It was not inconsequential that with his overriding sweetness, Daniel delivered backhanded insults to each of the already completely insecure girls, imparting a tart finish that was both forgotten immediately but left them wanting more. He deserved all his misfortunes, for he was a product of a botched marriage and wrought his vengeance upon the student body. As his swan song he slammed into a small filipino girl during basket case and was delivered resounding accords.

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