@Willoughbybrew Peanut Butter Cup Coffee Porter, For When You Need both Coffee AND Peanut Butter in Your AM Beverage

August 14, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

This beer is like those clandestine moments in the shower, where you spread your asscheeks and let the warm water run between: you aren’t proud of enjoying it, but there is something refreshing about it you can’t deny. Usually if I saw the word “porter” with that many adjectives bolted on like a late 90’s Integra, I would LOL and keep on getting farmhoused. In this instance, I heard legitimately great things about this LOW ABV, CLEAN, NOT NEEDLESSLY SWEET offering. My c1 fractured under the attempts to reconcile the name with these appraisals. It’s like meeting an interesting, insightful communications major. You cannot comprehend how such a reconciliation is possible.

There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s, unless it is out of your cousin’s anus. Let’s review this shit.

Trap all day, sip all night, this is the life of a goticka

Willoughby Brewing
Ohio, United States
Style | ABV
American Porter | 5.50% ABV

Commercial Hand Job:
A consistent award winner and truly unique taste experience brought you only by Willoughby Brewing Company. We start by brewing a robust porter and infusing it with locally roasted coffee and a special peanut butter and chocolate flavor. The result is a beer like no other you’ve had before. Some people say they taste more coffee than peanut butter, others say the opposite. Which is it you taste?

You will get in the damndest scenarios drinking this crushable beer

A: Alright, this is distinctly a porter through and through and presents beautiful mocha foam like those darkwood cabinets you covet at Home Depot but then you realize you rent a shitty studio apartment. The deep black has a nimble BP oiliness to it that doesn’t coat especially well and washes clean like the filthy banks of the Gulf of Mexico, except you cant help but take a dip.

S: This presents an awesome roastiness in line with Edmund Fitzgerald, a comparison this Ohio brewery is probably sick to fucking death of hearing. Notwithstanding, being put in the ranks of the best is tolerable at worst and this adds a coffee profile and is less acidic roast, more of a South American/civet toastiness like burned rye bread that works well with the baker’s cocoa sweetness from the nose. It doesn’t seem excessively adjunct forward and neither aspect really steals the show or makes the porter sit in the back of the Econoline van with promises of candy and puppies. Everyone gets their turn on the porter bang bus. As far as peanuts go, I have no fucking clue. There is a light almondy presence and a sort of light nuttiness you would get from a malty brown ale, but not like PETER PAN NUTS IN YOUR NOSE status.

I could crush more of this, but Ohio seems so far away

T: The coffee puts the first foot forward and, while not the most exceptional coffee blend or roast, it works well with the malt profile to provide a depth and bittering basis for all of the sweet madness that is predicated upon it. You need a solid foundation, always invite a 300 lbs man to your gangbangs, it will become clear why. The middle of the swallow has the peanut I was searching for earlier, and the nut is a brackish salty affair that would be strange on its own, but I can swallow heavy loads if it is sweet enough. The sweetness is the chocolate aspect which isn’t exactly like Tootsie Roll, it is more like those greenpeace $4.00 TCHO chocolate bars you usually see lesbians buying at Whole Foods. It’s a classy sustainable chocolate to enjoy in your Subaru.

M: This beer is as thin as Natalie Portman double donging Rachel Zoe. it drinks like a 4% export stout offering and is limitlessly crushable. You ever play Alpha Centauri and look up and 9 hours have passed and you forgot to pick your kids up from swim practice? That’s how this beer is, you drill an entire growler on accident and then suddenly it’s “officer the cuffs are too tight.” The clean swallow with the robust roast is a great combo that can lead to some serious mischief. Do yourself a favor and kennel your pets before you get all up in this mix, that 2L serving size will serve you just find, provided you dont have access to your ex’s numbers. LOL you dont even have an ex, let’s be real here.

This beer is straight decadence

D: See above, this is staggeringly croosh and even croosh progeny will salute the manner in which it is disposed. Take a crazy crooshable beer like Lagunitas DayTime IPA, then make it a porter, with insane flavors across the board. It is in that realm of drinkability where, after 64 ounce, you start thinking you can do things, like, say you have never fenced in your life, you would suddenly look at the Epee like you know some shit. It’s that kinda beer.

Narrative: Peter Legumee had the worst route out of all of the ice cream trucks in western Ohio. He drove by the DOW industrial chemical refinery, in the section 8 housing suburbs, then closed his run down near the quarry. Nobody was trying to eat a Pink Panther when the air smelled like curry and burning pubes. Then one day, Peter got into his shoddily modifier confectionary-mobile and had a realization: coffee and peanut brittle. He decided that lactose heavy frozen treats weren’t what these leatherneck Ohioans wanted, they needed roast and salt to fuel their lives dancing just above the poverty line. He would roll right up the Dawn Soap manufacturing plant with his pentatonic jingle playing and the men would stream out in their coveralls, dunking barklike shards of peanut brittle into scalding hot V60 cups of Intelligensia coffee. It was a winning combo for the rockbreakers at the quarry too, they even gave him a complimentary fragment of basalt in gratitude. Yes sir, it was a bright day in Western Ohio that day, such that no one even noticed when the river caught on fire, the coffee was just THAT GOOD.

@therarebarrel Ensorcelled versus @thebruery Wanderer, LET’S FINALLY PUT THESE COMPARISONS TO REST

July 28, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright, whenever I bring up the dark sour lineage from Rare Barrel, some dipshit wants 1) demonstrate he knows that Jay Goodwin worked at the Bruery and 2) flex his peen and let everyone know that he has had Wanderer. At the Bruery anniversary festival, all I fucking heard was chortled comparisons from the sweaty jowls of attendees about “ERMAGERD ITS…basically…the…same…Wandere…” which I assumed was a comparison, since that “standing in direct sunlight” must have taken a lot of out the husky attendees.

So let’s settle this shit. Which one is better? Is there a difference? Can you approximate a vagina with a lukewarm cantaloupe? These questions answered today.

RESULTS INVALID: no Rare Barrel Glass utilized, unfair advantage from the outset

The Rare Barrel Ensorcelled
Berkeley, California, United States

Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 5.80% ABV

“Dark Sour Beer Aged in Oak Barrels with Rasperries” laconic as fuck.

VERSUS

The Bruery THE WANDERER
California, United States

Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 8.00% ABV

Notes/Commercial Description:
The Wanderer is a special blend of oak aged ales that we made with Craig and Beth from San Francisco’s City Beer Store. Blending a mix of sour ales and our anniversary ale the base of this beer has a delightfully sour tinge on top of a hearty malt backbone. To add to the flavor, Craig and Beth selected blackberries and bing cherries to be added to the ale adding to it’s already fruity complexity. This ale went on to win the silver medal for wood & barrel aged sour fruited ales at the 2011 Great American Beer Festival.

Alright enough cyber sexing, let’s bring this resolution to full completion:

A: Them Berkeley boys come out the gates with a slicker and more nimble offering that has more substantial carb and deeper darker tones serving to underpin the frothy mochawhip carbonation. The Rare Barrel offering LOOKS outright more attenuated and seems to straddle more genres in appearance than the paint by numbers AWA you may be expecting. By contrast Wanderer has deep garnet and ROBEY-esque tones with burnt sienna, dark amber and red brick frothiness in the head that seems more focused and calls to the fruits from within to harness their tannic nature like an acidic Captain Planet, unity through divested parts.

WINRAR: Wanderer, I just wanna get my mouth all up on that burnt red lipstick, red rocket session.

If you thought I was gonna go for some low hanging euphemism here you are wrong, and your vagina is dry.

S: Ensorcelled puts forward an amazing, stripped down approach that is a decidedly jammy, raspberry banger that adds nuance and a level of complexity with caramel, toasted creme brulee top, almond, and an acidic closer that doesn’t toe the line into acetic. It knows the limits and pats co-workers on the low back, doesn’t grip their acidic asses. Wanderer, for all its charms is more like a RT Dodge Challenger in this regard and deliver MOARRRRR acidity, but with substantially less poise and grace. The fruit is there and you get almost a touch of Oud Bruin in there with a black cherry and currant appeal, however, there are sick burnout slicks tossing almost vinegar and acetic notes from overclocking that sour processor. For novice sour lovers, this will hit harder and light up their erogenous zones more completely, but if someone has been in that jammy jam game for a while, they will likely prefer Ensorcelled for its subtle wit and slow approach, like neck misses and an Oscar Wilde novel while Newsroom is on in the background.

WINRAR: Ensorcelled, because that slow palm up the inner berry thigh, straight juicy clearances.

T: Ensorcelled builds upon the nasal endeavors in much the same way, a dry tart opener with ratcheted acidic aspects, just enough to let the fruit shine through. It’s like in death metal breakdowns when the double kick pulls back to let those face melting hammer ons through, that’s how things progress with this delicate face melter. You get that framboise meets brown ale sort of execution, like walnut and caramel but covered in Smucker’s jammy goodness. The acidity compliments and doesn’t dominate the gentle fruit tannins. Wanderer has been doing sick dips and the acidic serratus is shredded, at full berry pump. The blackberry is present in the taste in a huge way and those tart cherries come through not unlike C&C old school La Folie. Which is ironic because Rare Barrel would be the low hanging La Folie comparison, I know, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. However, with great power comes great acidity, Uncle Ben taught me that. The red wine vinegar notes are only present at higher temps and there is a touch of diacetyl if you sip this at room temperature. It’s more like if you are the consumer who buys the reasonable 2 cup Reese’s or if you go malty balls to the wall with a straight up 4 CUP session. I am not here to tell you how to live your life.

WINRAR: Wanderer, while more aggressive, your palate secretly likes its hair pulled by them blackberries.

Put these beers inside your buddies, get wild, touch his monkey

Put these beers inside your buddies, get wild, touch his malty monkey

M: Ensorcelled is more of a gentle fawn, presenting a nice berry basket of jams and welcoming you to the neighborhood. Wanderer walks right into your housewarming party and starts gripping your cousin’s titties and shes not even of age yet. The dryness of Wanderer is over the top and the acidity is that type of hegemony that some prefer because it lets the palate relax as the dominate notes are apparent. Bitch level cicerones will prefer Wanderer because they can point out pronounced aspects to their home brew club and feel like they don’t have an eraser dick. However, Ensorcelled has that poise and grace of the incredibly attractive mormon girl that everyone can appreciate and we all respect for her values and nuanced airs. Sure she isn’t tossing dome shots in the backseat of a Dodge Inrepid, but maybe you will like Rare Barrel more as a result, for taking that higher road and not just gripping your berries outright.

WinRARER: Encsorcelled, the ethereal feel of a CTR ring in your soft palm carries the day.

D: Ensorcelled is as soft as the Charmin bear and equally loveable, You can drink it before a Wake and no one will be all JUDGEY. Wanderer is more of a solo commitment. It demands more, it provides more, but compels all the same maintenance problems attendant with those extremes. Your jaw will hurt, you will be drunker, you will be more fatigued, like performing cunnilingus for minutes on end with a girl who is out of your league. But is the pain worth it? I cannot answer that for you, but to my own sensibilities, I enjoyed the frolic in the berry patch with the modest company of the berry hued sorceress. That doesn’t mean you wont like paying top dollar to get your blackberries stepped on. Hell some people pay a ton for that. It just comes down to preference in that regard and I prefer my berries intact.

WinRurerercellor: Tie for drinkability. Just depends on your tolerance and personal tastes.

AMERICAN SOURS ARE TEH ANTCHRIST. Belgiums only!11!!!!

OVERALL WINNER: Ensorcelled. Something needs to be said for the nuanced and stripped down approach to this baby bunny in the dark sour patch. While both are equally compelling, my personal tastes align more with this end of the Goldilocks spectrum. Both are exceptional beers, all that bullshit beer blog guarded language, etc, but Ensorcelled is better. I don’t think Patrick Rue is gonna lose any sleep over these 1210 words, plus I am a shameless Bruery apologist, remember.

DARK HORSE NATION: FINALLY the mash-tun cleaning antics TV viewers have been demanding all these years

July 23, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

In case you haven’t heard yet, them old bearded boys of Marshall, Michigan went and done acquired themselves a television show, on the history channel no less. That’s right, for both of you at home who couldn’t get enough of BREWDAWGZ and BREWMASTERS, comes DARK HORSE NATION, a thrilling new TV series chronicling the lives of Michigan brewers attempting to address the stark solipisms of the human condition by running water through crunched up grains. TRULY COMPELLING.

In the fourth episode, VALENTINES HORSE, one of the bearded boys needs to woo a female companion out of her Lane Bryant jumper

You may be asking, “what in the fuck does this have to do with history?” Well technically any event recorded in a static medium is HISTORY, so even minutia connected to making SOUR THREE GUYS OFF THE SCALE, is technically historically relevant because it happened in the not-future. Listen, I am no Don Draper, so I will let History Channel give you their spin on this pile of spent grain:

“”In small town Marshall, Michigan, there is a group of life-long friends living out their visions of the American dream. Led by rebel entrepreneur and fearless visionary, Aaron Morse, Dark Horse is a thriving business set amongst a rural paradise. Morse and his team have been making a name for themselves since 1997, when Dark Horse started bottling their unique line of craft beers. Now distributed in 12 states, the Dark Horse crew is determined to turn their business into a household name. It’s diehard fan base even has its own nickname: Dark Horse Nation.”

“However, DARK HORSE NATION is not only about crafting great beer, it’s a way of life. Their recipe for success is as much about experimentation and trouble-shooting as it is self-taught skill and determination. Every week, there’s some new project, from creating outlandish inventions to building additions to their ever-growing compound. Around here, everything is done by hand, the old-fashioned way, or as they like to put, ‘The Dark Horse Way.'”

So TL;DR the first paragraph is essentially an advertisement for Dark Horse. That’s fine, I guess. The second paragraph delves into existential territory and shows you the raw pathos of the show, THE DARK HORSE WAY OF LIFE. This tao of pouring sacks of two row melded with the Vedas of pitching buckets of yeast underpins the SOUL OF THEIR EVER GROWING COMPOUND. At a certain point, when your size 40 husky jeans chafe from the Michigan sun, you reach that third stage of Kierkegaardian development: THE DARKHORSE WAY.

This is how I feel when I get requests from people to talk about fucking BREWDOGZ or whatever show DFH Sam is pandering at the moment.

But seriously, what in the fuck is this show actually about? Surely they can’t fill up seven episodes with dipshits wearing North Face jackets arguing about the Lions, OR CAN THEY. Here is my episode breakdown of predictable and tired pseudo-reality plot points:

Episode 1 “MEET THEM HORSES” in this episode we meet four dudes with beards and watch them race against interspliced shots of a clock for some reason, and then we get a B plotline where two husky keg washers have a dispute about who sprayed muds on whose S10.

Episode 2 “TRAVELING HORSES” in this episode two bearded dudes pile into a Tacoma and look for like vanilla, or razzleberry or some shit for an upcoming beer. It really isn’t that important but expect minor chords played over a dude looking winsomely at a barrel like “MAN IF THEY DONT GET THEM BURRIES IN TIME WE ARE FIXIN FOR A REAL SITCH!” Also, we meet a female support character who is probably latently degrading.

Episode 3 “EXPANDING THAT HORSE” in this pivotal TWO PART episode we explore the finer points of basic construction, putting brite tanks in place, and some bullshit ticking clock about how CROOKED TREE NEEDS TO START BREWIN OTHERWISE THE MICHIGAN CHOPPER SOCIETY WONT HAVE ANY KEGS. Also Danzig might show up for some reason.

When they cut to commercial, expect some PAWN STARS bullshit facts like “Dark Horse Brewing is located at 511 S. Kalamazoo Ave., just south of downtown Marshall. The location was formerly Wacky Willy’s party store, owned and named after Bill Morse.” The types of facts you can bring up in case you need to avoid ever feeling a vagina.

the episode “Bring your illegitimate child to the brewery” was nominated for several emmays

Let’s be honest, I am just butthurt that CONDOLAMBIC: the Future Rustic Adventure, was not greenlighted. Just a dude trying to decide what type of DME to use, going to Ralph’s for frozen burritos and then siphoning HOA poolwater before the manager finds out. At one point, the crew has to sit and wait while a Daredorm episode is assiduously selected. Moving television.

NEW VEDEO REVUE: Fatnome Season Ultra Coovie, FOR TEH CHARTIES

July 16, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

I drank 8 ghosts last night and forgot all about this top tier, hard-hitting beer journalism: a Fantome coovie revue.

Inb4 “all those vintage fantomes were clearly faked” or some beta-tier 9gag shit.

@trinitybrewing ULTIMATE GOOZIE SHOOTOUT: 7 Day Sour vs. Cantillon Classic Goozie, TWO GUEUEZESES ENTER ONLY ONE EXITS

July 5, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright we have a lot of fun around here at DDB, mispronouncing words, pandering the same tired hip hop references, and leaning on JRPG references like a quad walker; but sometimes we actually science hard.

For context, a while back the brewer at Trinity proposed that he could make a gueuze in only 7 days. Levi Funk at Funk Factory Gueuezeria said [and I am paraphrasing here] “you are disrespecting the style and completely fucking things up for everyone this is why Americans cannot have nice things.”

Then I pandered out this piece of shit vedeo in response to the whole ordeal but undercutting both of those haters and making a goozie in 47 seconds:

SaisonMan/Lion/Manlion ultimately decided that, perhaps naming a beer a “gueuze” wasn’t in the spirit of three separate Pajotenland lambics master blended to taste. So now it is called 7 DAY SOUR. The comparison between a 7 DAY SOUR and Cantillon Gueuze loses some of the gravitas in the transition, but people keep fucking asking me to address this, so HERE WE GO USA VS. BELGIUM EXCEPT THIS TIME NOT IN A SPORT PEOPLE ONLY WATCH EVERY .4 DECADES.

THE LEVELS OF EMPIRICISM ARE OFF THE CHARTS IN BOTH METRIC AND ENGLISH MEASUREMENTS

TRINITY:

Trinity Brewing Company
Colorado, United States
Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 5.00% ABV

Commercial Pitch:

“Sour beers are famous for long aging periods, wild microbes, and flavors that are more complex and intense than any other family of beer. Commonly referred to as Lambics, these beers were once only brewed in a specific region of Belgium and have recently made a migration to breweries of America. Imploring ancient techniques, Seven Day Sour is brewed with a first and second ‘slims’ process, and a malt bill built with over 30% raw wheat and 30% chit malt to dramatically drive up starches and proteins which our quirky wild microbes love to feed on. We sour this recipe with an advanced and progressive method utilizing a hot fermentation in the kettle with Lactobacillus, followed by a cool fermentation on brettanomyces; making this beer anything but simple. Seven Day Sour is a young and unblended gueuze showcasing a refreshing acidity and complex bretta notes.”

Brasserie Cantillon
Belgium
Style | ABV
Gueuze | 5.00% ABV

Commercial Pitch:

The world’s classic Gueuze. A blend of one, two, and three year-old lambics creates a second fermentation in the bottle. The champagne of Belgium. In contrast, the Lou Pepe Gueuze is a blend of three 2-year-old lambics.

Take careful note of the differences between the foregoing descriptions. This will be important later.

Enough spacedocking, let’s get this.

A: Well from the outset, the Cantillon has deeper amber hues, honey sap, and a deep golden color like toasted bread and frothy carb that leaves some lacing, but nothing over the top. The Trinity offering is also beautiful, admittedly. The golden straw color has intense carbonation that is soapy and almost hits those excessive levels. The appearance is more saison/grisette in appearance and seems to miss the depth of a standard goozie. In most cases, being TOO FUCKING RADIANT would not be a drawback, but it evidence that is lacks that massaged oxy realm that a traditional goysah exhibits. It looks too new, the plastic is still on the seats, no one has even been fingerbanged in the backseat yet.

WINNER: Trinity Goozie.

GOD commercial descriptions DONT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN ME ok I GO BEYOND ZOOSK, no one gets me

S: The Cantillon has a musky cheesiness in addition to the funk, brett, and lemony acidity. It doesn’t exhibit a lack of balance in any one area and pulls nuance for days letting the wet Jansport linger and dovetail with the tangerine and nectarine on the nose. The Trinity leans harder on a one dimensional lactic meets Brett L profile that in truth has more of a mineral/acidic aspect more in line with a Berliner/Gose than a goozie, but THEN AGAIN THEY DROPPED THE VERT GUEUEZE TERM SO MAYBE I NEED TO LEAVE THE ISSUE ALONE. But in reality this hits closer to the 7eventh Sun offerings or perhaps the simple citrus and acidity of normal Surette. To be clear, that’s a good thing in general, but in the realm of traditional Belgian blended lambics/goozies, it would be woefully inadequate. Some things cannot substitute the endless march of time. All things fall victim to the relentless march of sand.

WINNER: Cantillon Gueueuezie.

ARE YOU READY TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME THE KING OF SOURS?

T: The taste of the Cantillon lacks the intensely sour aspects of its competitor but comes across as more drinkable in a single serving format, if that makes sense, with the slight bitterness like a semi-soft cheese rind and grapefruit pith. The Trinity VERT GOOZIE is still a pretty refreshing and tasty beer but comes across like a Lotus Elise, a stripped down device relying hard on acidity and…that’s about it. You want an aluminum tub that gets you from A to B and impresses the uninitiated? Well Lotus/Trinity will drop them Forever XXI thongs. The Cantillon comes across more like a FJ Cruiser, that everyone will appreciate on some level either due to utility, nuance, historical lineage, and depth of application. I know the Land Rover community is twisting their dicks hard at the last comparison but ZEROFUXX.

Taste: Cantillon Goyzee

Just because something is new and appealing doesn’t mean it wont rip you apart in the future. Gentle nurturing over time is key

M: The Cantillon has a drying aspect and a creaminess to the mouthfeel that is distinctively Belgian in execution. Taking with one historical hand and providing with a new crispness, waxing and waning of Empires past soiling the fields with the nitrates of the future. The Trinity is far less subtle and proceeds to have you lay on the edge of the bed and mouthfucks you like an ASU undergrad. It is just too one dimensional in the acidity and lactic components to really have widespread military applications. If Upland and Trinity did a collabo it would be like holding one mirror up to another in an endless two-dimensional array of images each CASCADEing back upon another. To be clear, if the comparison wasn’t leverage, the Trinity offering is a PRETTY GOOD if labeled as a Berliner or a straight up wild ale. If this were 2010 and Brute were still the hottest bitch on the block, this would dominate. Tastes have evolved and the Trinity might have difficulty stirring up the more complex palate boners with St. Bretta sitting right there on the shelf.

Winner: Cantillon Goysea

D: I guess in a way, the simplicity of the Trinity makes it more appealing for longer sessions, but this is tamed by the acidity. You CAN listen to the entire discography of Pennywise or Too $hort, but fatigue will set in due to the lack of dimensions present. But for the same reason, I wouldn’t want to drink Cantillon backtobacktoback. I know somewhere there is a landlocked dipshit who just rubbed one out to the Etre inventory, but stay with me. If I am going to have a single 750ml, sure Cantillon all day. But if we are talking about playing Dark Souls and dying over and fucking over, taking deep frustrated pulls from the glass, the Trinity wins in that regard. Perhaps that is a return to the simple roots of the lambic fabrication before it became a hobbyist market with stretched nutsacks coveting bottles and cellaring action figure bottles ad infinitum. So in that regard, the Trinity offering perhaps is a return to the rustic Belgian roots, albeit unintentionally.

Winner: Trinity One Week Monistat 7 Goyzie

OVERALL WINNER:

Cant fade the classics. Put on Too $hort “Just another Day” and tell me it doesn’t bang.

Well there you have it. Two completely different beers, one a classic goozie, another essentially a berliner/short attention span AWA that holds a place in my heart.

BEER IS SRS BEZNIESS.

@hillfarmstead Beyond Good and Evil, intersubjective morality AND SOME FUCKIN MAPLE SYRUP for the ubermensch tickers

June 4, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Man it feels like FOREVER, since I dropped a hot 16 bars on a Hill Farmstead beer. Will the expansion of the beer game and the constriction of my anoos, landing these beers has put my lower rectum in opposition to what my mouth wants. So what do we have today from the Green Mountain State, aka VERD MONT, aka cetacean land. This is a barrel aged stout from HillFeezy but instead of that traditional ass Damon approach in bourbon/port/DUBBEL, we have MAPLE SYRUP AND THEN TWO FUCKING YEARS IN BOURBON BARRELS. That’s like the same amount of time you spent on that bid for shoplifting that White Chicks DVD.

Life is all about priorities.

THINGS ARE GETTING CLASSY AS FUCK AROUND HERE

Hill Farmstead Brewery
Vermont, United States
Style | ABV
American Double / Imperial Stout | ABV ? WHODAFUCK HAS AN ALCOLYZER

A: This beer looks exactly how you would expect it to look, tar black, scared quid inky tones, that mocha foam and wispy trails hitting the glass up like street art in poor neighborhoods. The retention is legit, holds that head up high, shake the fuck out of an Illy coffee drink and drop it into regular ass Damon and you’d get the same effect. UPDATE: I KNOW THERE IS NO COFFEE IN THIS, THAT WAS A VISUAL DESCRIPTOR THANKS FACT CHECKING DDB READERS.

This is what 99% of untappd stout reviews remind me of

S: Holy confectioner orgasm. This is easily the sweetest beer on the nose that Hill Farmstead has made to date and leads with less roast and more sticky August Gloomp chocolate, Hershey’s syrup, Caramello and Twix, and this sticky sweet IHOP presence. You get a touch of burnt toastiness on the back end but this is very much American in execution and smells almost like cocoa nibs or adjuncts were used but that’s all MALTMOTOR no forced induction. This beer is straight boosting.

T: The sweetness gang bang continues and you get hot chocolate ropes in and around your mouth. There is a maple syrup, pecan, and sweet Ms. Butterworth’s levels of complexity here, but thankfully the toasted malt aspects show up on the backend to keep this shit out of the Southern Tier realm of diabetic decadence. The bourbon presence is inextricably bound in this macaroon and maple sort of Cronut treat, but the chocolate and oak rides out the sustain on the finish like shooting them salty barrels, you get so pitted. If you have ever done naked burpees in a See’s Candy, you will know the sweetness and intensity present in this complex treat.

you may think because DDB is on that saison game he cant go alpha beast on stouts: YOU ARE FUCKN WRONG THO

M: The heft of this beer is somewhere in between MC2 and MC3, not crazy, but not as thin as MC1 either. It is somewhere akin to Parabola in mouthfeel albeit lacking any really carbonation or crackle in the mouth itself. It got so ramped up in the glass that by the time it gets in the mouth, the load has been shot and it just kinda lays there acting sweet along the gumline. Again, that maple sweetness seems to coat and linger and seems patently out of character for the crisp attenuated Hill Farmstead execution you may be used to. This is decidedly American in execution and strays away from that European game that Shaun Hill posts up on in the paint. SOMEONE IS GETTING BOXED OUT.

D: This is one of their more drinkable stouts due to the viscosity and mouthfeel, but again part of me wonders what could have been if the maple syrup were omitted. I know that defeats the purpose of the beer and the nuanced execution of something original. Maybe I am just a savory bastard in a sweet world, maybe I got a rough HJ in a Denny’s and cant stand syrup now; who knows. All in all, this is better than say MC1 and regular Damon, but fails to hit that back wall of my stout cervix like MC2 and MC3. This is all relative to the HF lineup, which is unfair to the masses of other shitty generic BA stouts out there, suffice it to say, it is better than 90% of those. I am sure I can rally some dipshit at this point to reference Parabola or regular BCBS or Kentucky Dark Star or whateverthefuck, but let the men talk without your offshelf jibber jabber.

The thing about stouts is- OH FUCK IT’S CAEYMAEX-

Narrative: The new school of Stoutology had exhibited inherent logical failings to Pierre Donmiesque. Their sticky emphasis on imagination, self-assertion, danger, originality, and the “creation of values” more often than not resulted in a reliance upon adjunct systems without a clear definition of terms. The average scholar following this new school of Stout discipline emphasized adjectives and ingredients over substance and execution as a whole. Pierre could not embrace this saccharine system of values, predicating the weaker at odds with the stronger, the more nimble stouts pulled down by the inefficient. Pierre held to a new system of malt beliefs portraying even domination, appropriation and injury to the weak stouts as not universally objectionable. Pierre had pushed to a new development in his high stout consciousness, at the expense of collateral stouts. Ultimately each brew philosopher had pandered exclusively to emphasize accessibility as a virtue, at the expense of quality, such were the trappings of the new school. Pierre saw this as a tee ball participation trophy where everyone was awarded BJCP accolades while accomplishing little more than endless emulation of preexisting tropes. Those chili/vanilla/cocoa/coffee archetypes were well worn and supported ad infinitum by a gallery of yeasayers. Pierre pressed his face to the glass and watched a bag of ancho chilis being emptied into a carbon copy stout with a name predicated on either a movie or pedestrian pun. ULtimately, Pierre felt that noble and base are distinguished by more than what they value as “good.” He had ascended beyond the failings of a 2008 BJCP morality presented in a post-ISO:FT world.

Pierre had become a stout critic beyond the scope of good and evil.

@tiredhandsbeer Back Into The Emptiness, From The Emptiness Back Within Prepositional Voids Purging to Beyond the Gerund Phrase

May 21, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Bit by bit, I am knocking out the highest rated saisons, closing in on the final few. This is one of them top 50 ratchets that was another 400 (?) bottle release all up in Ardmore Pennsylvania, whether the players be getting it. I have been told in rural Pennsylvania saison brewers keep a yellowrag on the right side letting those buster ass amber ale bangers what time it is.

You can drink all them DIPAs to pump up your chest/
I got a saison Mossberg to pump up your chest/
Leave your palate gasping when the farmhouse shells hit your vest/

Let’s try to wring out a few more EMPTINESS PUNS in today’s review.

This beer goes in on every track.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Style | ABV
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 7.00% ABV

Availability: Limited (brewed once)

Notes/Commercial Description:
Rose-hued saison fermented in local wine barrels with locally sourced French Policeman grapes.

A: Will you just look at this bad bitch, dropping those orange juicy hues on a fully laquered floor, light frothy carb scooping up crumpled singles to put her way through saison school. There is sticky substantial lacing and trims the tree on the way down the glass. It isn’t that pale hay and straw farmhouse, this is that Sunny D dankness you tell your grandkids about while explaining old injuries.

pop a world class saison at a tasting, Michigan tickers be looking like

S: This leads with a crazy white wine profile, them riesling and grapefruit pith notes, a slight sweetness like a Pinot Grigio with a lemon zest waft. The acidity isn’t off the charts but it pokes its head out and gives a subtle wink while rifling through your sister’s underwear drawer.

T: This leads with that sly minx, that grapefruit spritzer of white wine and green grape tannins, there is a touch of honey sweetness in the middle body that feels slightly weighty and substantial compared to these Keira Knightly thin ass farmhouse bitches I been slurping on lately. The finish is a sort of lightly lactic tartness meets cornbread goodness that lingers. God tier Saison: Achievement Unlocked +10 Saisonnier Points.

Lightly tart, complex wallonia bangers get me almost fully erect

M: I want to just go with the bottom shelf adjectives and say that this is “tart” and “dries like you ate too much FunDip” but that really isn’t EXACTLY what is happening. There is a touch of breadiness and maltiness to talk this woman down, to let her know you always delete your internet history; baller shit. There is a touch of honey sweetness like those KFC packets they used to distribute BACK BEFORE OBAMACARE. You get a white wine, you get some tingle on the gumline, but this is the best beer Tired Hands has put out: HANDS DOWN. I know you might be thinking “he says that shit all the time, one day I will lose my virginity.” But srs, it is really fucking hard to knock the persimmon offering because of the sweetness, but this has a depth to it. You really cant go wrong with either but this is like a TADDD better. If we are computing things on a TAD-scale.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and the 500ml format seems just right for what is going on here. When I had Handfarm I wanted more, so a 750ml would hit my grisette g spot, but this is just fine at this size and you could easily smash this and get back to your Yu Gi Oh deck creation. This is worthy of all of the hype it doesn’t receive and will join a long list of beers that I am pissed that I reviewed because now getting this tasty treat will be a complete cluster fuck of VSBitches and Fuzzypubes.

On the up side, everyone knows you can’t get a DUI when the sun is up.
The more you kno

Narrative: Emma Aldeen had a passion for the minimalism that only a bold few could appreciate. When she moved into her dorm room, she immediately relocated all items to the hallway and put the vast majority of her possessions in a nearby storage unit. “Feels good right?” she noted to her Korean suitemate as she extended her calves on the cold concrete. “No carpet, no desk, just emptiness, and my Morrissey box set,” she ejaculated as she slid her headphones over her ears. Everything in the world was clutter. Objects lacked any real permanence, so attempting to hold onto anything in a static medium was a fool’s errand, a denial of one’s own fleeting existence. Emma loved emptiness and wasn’t afraid who knew it. During periods of exceptional anxiety she felt the organized, cramped contents of her sternum and she longed for a hollow space within her rib cage. She bit deeply into whatever fruit is in this beer, like every character in every narrative does right before it is over and exclaimed, “once we have transcended the simple trappings of acquisition, that need and drive to hoard, then emptiness settles in and you find items of true value: the lack thereof. For only in establishing a net loss in every way, can you posture yourself to make noteworthy strides.” Her Korean roommate nodded intently and continued preparing for a Protoss rush.

New Glarus R&D Very Sour Blackberry, V.S.B. PO PPA, no info for the D.E.A.

May 15, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

If you give the midwest a brewery only release, prepare for some hyperventilating from a cadre of ex-bandos. Whenever this happens, neckbeards jump in their Chevy Aveos and drive hours across bleak terrain that looks like it is north of the wall, all to secure some bottles. This happened with Fuzzy, this happened with Cahutlow, this happened with BA Abraxas, this happened with KBBS, and god help us if the bottle count is in that ultra rare 2000 or less range.

Enter VSB, an american wild ale with a story to tell, berries to flex, and a proud lineage rolling deep like an MC Hammer entourage. At a staggering $8 a bottle and 3 per person staggered over 3 days, you would figure this should trade for what, Double Huna? Flora? GUESS AGAIN AND GIVE ME YOUR CCK MOTHERFUCKER. The trade threads for this went to hell in a handbasket real quickly and honestly, if Secretpizza didn’t send this ratchet bitch to me for free, I don’t think I would have bothered throwing my hat in the ring. Whenever you see an Illinois dipshit posting things like “I only have 3 left but, I don’t think I would ever trade it, it is that good, unless something really good came along” you know shit just got real.

So thanks to Secretpizza for keeping my butthole intact and allowing me to get my berries juiced in today’s review.

Pour this bottle and it looks like the inside of a Claire’s or a Wet Seal.

New Glarus Brewing Company
Wisconsin, United States

Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 5.00% ABV

Notes/Commercial Description:
Fourth in our series of spontaneous sour ales. Fermented and aged in oak barrels – on yeast lees – with Oregon blackberries. Refermented in this bottle. Open with care – This is a funky wild sour beer! There is also a bunch of illegible shit on the label I welcome you to try and read.

A: Just look at this fuchsia madness taking place above, it looks like a tween’s bedroom and only needs some chartreuse inflatable furniture to hit full on third grade sleepover status. The carb ranges from hilarious to excessive and doesn’t even burn off as exceedingly quickly as you would anticipate. The hue looks like St. Lam’s viscous cousin, deep thick grape Otterpop, that velvet violet merging with purpiest of purps. It is admittedly a very pretty beer and looks great sprayed on the hood of a Bugatti. Ball the fuck out already.

VSB for 50n? Wait hold on-

S: This presents more of a jammy countenance that the previous R&D endeavors would have led me to believe. There is a smuckers grape jelly, blackberry tannins, no cloying artifical sweetness and you get the crushed fields and farmer’s market kisses at the outset. Another interesting thing is, for all this VERY SOUR CUP YOUR BALLS talk on the label, it doesn’t smell intensely sour. It exhibits an incredible balance in form an execution, terroir from the berries, but a substantial complexity from the sharp shocktart back end. Can’t even front, it smells phenomenal.

T: This leads with a sharp acidity that immediately is pushed aside to convey a deep berry character, purple gushers, blackberry preserves, razzleberry pie, and this light dryness on the finish. This beer isn’t overly sour, it isn’t overly sweet, it isn’t intensely acidic, and it doesn’t go for an artificial heavy handed approach with adjuncts: IT JUST DOES EVERYTHING RIGHT. This is essentially a deep purple M3, a product that is so well balanced and highly revered that the biggest dipshits in the world covet them and it ruins the experience for you. I am fairly confident that this beer is not yet a staple in Persian bottle service culture, but soon.

If you decide to trade for this, be cautious: this pretty little beer can be a total asshole

M: This is not your daddy’s intensely drying Upland Lambic, it isn’t your momma’s one dimensional lactic Cascade, it lacks the sticky sweetness of the other cloying New Glarus fruit beers: it goes in hard. It provides tartness with a sticky resonance that steps in graceful time in a berry 3/4 scherzo. Usually I would toss my hater hat in the ring and pipe up with some shit like “BUT YOU CAN JUST GET St. LAMVINUS FOR LESS” but I don’t even know if that is accurate. This is distinctively American and seems to supercede the fruited lambic offerings that would be analogous. American Wild Ales are a genre born on derivative inspiration and this is the clearest example, second to Cable Car Kriek, of an AWA that is a genre defining beer. Place this next to batch 1 Persica 750ml and a short list of exceptional American sours. This that shit you need to learn though, that VSB, shit that makes your cellar burn slow.

D: This is intensely drinkable and the impossibility of obtaining one of these makes this entire appraisal laughable. I could drink several of these linked together like a chain wallet on some purple JNCO jeans. You could serve this to anyone, your lady friend who uses “supes” and “gorg” nonironically, or a confused young minor seeking your help. Everyone will get their mouth on this purple throbber. Wipe the juice from your chin and seek this out if you feel like it, but realistically, just drink Almanac Blackberry sour, it is verrrrry close, but not quite as good. Think like 09 BCBS Bomber to Rare levels of comparability. All in all, an otherworldly beer of staggering quality in almost every way.

Midwest coveting, ruining things for the rest of McDonaldland

Narrative: Grimace was misunderstood in Mcdonaldland from his very origin. He first appeared and swung his berry endomorphic frame, gripping the milkshakes of others, being a covetous monster. It was not his blackberry breath or his radiant violet hues, it was his offputting nature and unendingly sweet nature. It wasn’t his fault that he was overweight, he spawned that way in a land that no one wished for. A landlocked zone of purple obesity and hate could hardly beget the nicest of creatures, but Grimace rose above. Grimace had an unnamed mom, an unnamed dad, a grandma named “Winky”, a great-great grandma named Jenny Grimace, and might have had a brother named “King John Bailey”, who was the king of all Grimaces: BUT NO ONE GAVE A SINGLE FUCK. In the muck and mire of mediocrity and imitation, Grimace transcended the monster genre and became something sweet and sour at the same time. He was a gentle creature capable of deep destruction, but checked his privilege at the door and bumbled around lovingly. “YOU KNOCKED OVER MY ARCH DELUXE YOU FAT FUCK-” one patron would exclaim, but deep in this sticky sour heart, Grimace knew that he was worth more than those that surrounded him.

TOP TEN CANTILLON HEIST SUSPECTS REVEALED

May 9, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright, if your Google feed is clogged with nothing but lambic, belgian, kriek, framboise, and goozie posts then you already know the dramatics that are currently unfurling at Brassiere Cantillon AS WE SPEAK:

SOMEONE STOLE SOME BOTTLES FROM INSIDE THE CANTILLON BREWERY

We aren’t talking the normal kerks or bio goozies you can get in the forgeiners section at Binnys: we are talking legit whales being stolen and transplanted Free Willy style. Instead of a killer whale jumping over a maladjusted boy, we have some anonymous Belgian culprits who may have pulled the greatest lambic heist since the 1991 Timmerman’s 11 robbery. The major difference being that people actually want to drink these bottles.

Notwithstanding, there are many unconfirmed rumors and fingerpointing/banging at this juncture. To help simplify matters, the forensic crime squad at DDB (DDB:SVUCSLLU) has assembled a list of the top ten most likely parties involved in this racketeering scheme:

NUMBER TEN: Bill Herlicka, Founder of White Birch

Criminal Mastermind at work

It is well-established that White Birch makes the SECOND best sour ales in the entire world. Not content with living in Jean Van Roy’s shadow, Mr. Herlicka is a completely viable candidate to swipe these bottles for the precious dregs at the bottom. Brewing is a dirty game and you gotta break a few eggs to make a lambic omelette, this guy perhaps is propagating Loerik dregs AS YOU ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW.

NUMBER NINE: Locke, from Final Fantasy III(VI)

Pictured above: Locke stripping a brewer stark naked in the streets of Brussels, zero fuxx given

This shady character is known for ripping off items. Whether it is jacking elixirs from barrels in Figaro, or getting all up on Kefka’s coin purse, I would not put it past him to come up on some Pikkachu’s or them late 90’s bangers. Detectives are looking for sprint shoe footprints at the time this article was posted.

NUMBER EIGHT: Trady, Negligent Moderator of Talkbeer.com

Previous failed plans pictured above

Long rumored to be “the worst” and patently negligent in executing his duties, several sources have provided tips that allude to Trady’s involvement in this scheme. First and foremost, he has not proven himself not guilty, which under Belgian law is worse than being actually guilty. Second, this man’s alleged benevolence in running BIFs exists as a smokescreen for his more nefarious intentions. If you see Trady attempting to swap bottles of anything outside of Carton Boat Beer, then you will know something is amiss from this New Jersey miscreant.

NUMBER SEVEN: Bitzy, bad trader from 2010 that everyone likely forgot about.

The mind of a larcenous genius ticks behind that calm facade.

Most of my readers aren’t even old enough to remember Bitzy, but essentially on BA about 4 years ago this criminal savant duped someone into sending him beer WHILE HE WAS IN COLLEGE. The scheme was as well-oiled as a Rube Goldberg machine and Bitzy later noted that his parents were no longer paying for his habits, AND HE VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE ON THE LAMB. He remains at large and cannot be ruled out as a suspect in this highly-nuanced plot.

NUMBER SIX: JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME SPECIFICALLY IN TIME COP

Surveillance footage of Van Damme inside of Brassiere Fantome in Soy.

The story at this juncture is that the bottles were taken by “some Belgian dudes” however, no one has yet ruled out the possibility that it is the SAME BELGIAN DUDE FROM TWO TIMELINES. JCVD is just the type of crafty individual to pull off this scheme, and furthermore, the pacifist beer nerd persona wont speak up when he sees someone cutting in line, let alone when an ex-kickboxer is walking out with crates of DQ. When asked for comment, Jean Claude kicked the DDB correspondent through a pile of Fantome crates.

NUMBER FIVE: AIR DOG from NBA Jam

source: http://www.giantbomb.com/nba-jam/3030-16928/characters/

Last photo on file of this 16-bit asshole

This criminal’s whereabouts have been unknown since the PS1 era in 1996, but simple mathematics demonstrates that he is now able to drink and has a penchant for expensive ass lambic. Air Dog is a child who is a secret character in the console versions of the original NBA Jam, Tournament Edition, as well as NBA Jam Extreme, but to the FBI he is a criminal mastermind capable of 360 dunking an entire case of Vigneronne through a tiny brewery window. You ever wonder why there were only 230 bottles of Beatification batch 4 released? FUCKING AIR DOG STRIKES AGAIN.

NUMBER FOUR: DICK PARSONS, CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers

source: http://ll-media.tmz.com/2014/05/09/0509-richard-parsons-getty-4.jpg

Pictured above: NBA CEO not about to say something racist

The former head of both Time Warner and Citigroup has assumed the reigns of interim CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers and he has plenty to celebrate about. If you think he is going to use a cliche magnum of Dom P to celebrate this new acquisition, you are sorely mistaken. This financial wizard is capable of almost anything and I would not be shocked to see a jereboam Don Quixote showering over Honduran Clippers fans in the forthcoming parade that is inevitable.

NUMBER THREE: Justin Fucking Bieber

source: http://ll-media.tmz.com/2014/05/09/0509-justin-bieber-madison-new-instagram-4.jpg

Justin Bieber pictured above with Madison BEER. No coincidences here, folks.

This pubeless phenom has dropped more Limited Too thongs than a pediatrcian, but that simply is not enough. The Biebs will be of legal drinking age soon, and if you think he is settling for Cigar City Deja Vu, you are dead fucking wrong. JB slipped his waify frame through the gate at Cantillon, shimmied his svelte glistening tiny pecs across the koelschip and waited in the mash tun for his time to strike. His obliques were dripping with sticky sweet wort, cascading along the v-li-

next suspect

NUMBER TWO: RICH HOME QUAN

source: http://ionetheurbandaily.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/rich-homie-quan.jpg

Pictured above: Mr. Homie Quan in front of what can only be assumed to be Drie Fonteinen’s satellite brewing location in Atlanta.

If you follow Worldstarhiphop, which I am sure every one of my beta, malty mouthed readers does, then you know Rich Homie Quan HAD A FUCKING SEIZURE RECENTLY. Now of course, his publicist is gonna make his cite exhaustion and the Atlanta humidity — and not drugs — for his recent collapse in Atlanta, but if you have ever took a deep ass pull of Spuyten, you know that whalesauce will hit you hard. Even if you are accustomed to Promethazene mixed with Sierra Mist, rare lambic will put you on your ass. Local ratchets/employees of Magic City noted that they saw “bottles of a Cowboy looking Purple Drank falling all out of his bus.” For anyone who has had too much Blabaer and woken up beside a confused young Samoan, you know this tale all too well.

AND FINALLY THE NUMBER ONE SUSPECT WHO STOLE ALL THOSE BOTTLES OF CANTILLON:

Failed MTV VJ Jesse Camp

source: http://www.guessthe90sanswers.net/images/nineties/jesse-camp.jpg

The face of pure evil and distilled genius

If you are going to scoop up thousands of dollars in lambic and get off scot-free, you better be a Thanatos-level criminal mastermind. The first-ever winner of the “Wanna Be a VJ” contest, Jesse rocketed to a successful, two-year run as class clown on the network, including his own show, Lunch With Jesse. But during this run in the late 90’s he got a taste for that sweet honey pot, that sticky icky goozie bug. He tricked the entire world into thinking he was a dipshit and a complete idiot, just to fuel his love for spontaneously fermented beers. Belgian military have been instructed to shoot on sight anyone who looks like Jesse or is suspected of shopping at American Apparrel, all Urban Outfitters patrons will be water-boarded for posterity.

This is a case in progress and all leads will be examined, more details as they develop, don’t even bother checking other beer sites, DDB has this one on lock.

NEW VEDEO REVUE: Cogneck Murtes Dark Lords – EXCELENT PIPE UNCLOGS

April 30, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Had so much fun yesterday almos forgot about all the house cleaning I did. This $50 lottery only beer is exceptional at leaving your pipes smelling like Lucas and Chile Mango pops. If you like a delicious cognac stouts but also want to feel a deep burning in your earns and jawline, this beer has it all. You get the churros, quincinera notes, delicious mole texture, best served from a pinata.

shot in portaint mode becase fuck this beer.

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Drinking beer, so you don't have to.

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