Author Archives: dontdrinkbeer

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De Garde Imperial Black Raz Bu, jammy jams leaving your mouth looking like a Lisa Frank binder

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It is no secret that the imperial bus have been ravaging the trade boards lately, however, with 46 new de garde beers released every month, half of them going 1 per mule, it gets tough to sort out what to even ISO. 

Let me unquestionably assure that you absolutely want this fruity detonation. The sheer appearance alone looks fantastic, billowing in frothy sheets of fuchsia and magenta, leaving curtains of violet and pink hues. If a republican senator’s son decorated his room in these colors he would probably get sent away for reprogramming. It looks that beautiful.

The nose is slightly brackish, with waves of grape otter pops, muddled blackberries, fruit blossoms, MALBEC tannins and purple ring pops. You can huff on his bad boy like model airplane glue, letting those fruity skins wash over your brain in purpley waves.

The taste is not nearly as sour as I was expecting from these Tillamook ballers and was far more refreshing as a result. Being “imperial” at 5.5% Abv is one of those anomalies like a “short” Godspeed You Black Emperor song. It still feels incredibly nimble and easy to toss back in between losing huge sums of cash betting against the Bulls. The drying aspect isn’t heavy handed and the jammy preserves serve to fill in the nadir left by the gentle acidity.

The key here is intense balance. It may not be on an otherworldly level akin to SHBRL and it may lack the exquisite depth of something like SARA Appreciation, but there is an undeniable charm and easygoing nature to the whole experience. It hits all request bases and will generate universal appeal, like tossing on a Shins album on at your dinner party, you old fuck.

You should want this, but don’t get so ISO that you torque your FT. Never do that.

 Way better than this RadX vial of garbage. Back to Megaton with you. 

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@wbrewing 559 Raisin Farmhouse ale, it’s like they randalled Wallonia through a Coinstar machine

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I Am not exaggerating.

It’s like they brewed a farmhouse ale and the farmhouse was actually a recycling center. Pennies and crushed aluminum are presented for your enjoyment.
So you see that srm and think “maybe it’s a…Biere de Garde?” And then again maybe it was filtered through a tesla coil. Then again, this brewery previously made a “saison lager” so my expectations for this Clovis upstart were more tapered than Pharrell’s khakis.

This beer is comically misguided in both form and execution. It is hard to rail on this with the endearing personal story about raisin farmers on the back but, perhaps a greater disservice could not have been done against raisin farmers unless Monsanto brewed this themselves.

It has a waft of odd clove and DMS that I initially attributed to the yeast but, a sip of the acrimonious metallic treat confirmed otherwise. This is not estery bomb, it tastes like it was cool shipped inside of an old decommissioned missile. The caramel and buttery mouthfeel linger endlessly despite the thin filtered execution. It’s like when a movie like Big Mamas House is only 80 minutes but still feels way too long.

I had wanted to try these guys badly, and now I cannot wait to visit their tasting room opening in downtown Clovis soon. The streets will flow with the blood of the saisonbelievers.

 Joke’s on old DDB this time. 

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I Went to the @smogcitybeer Black Currant Saison Release and Didn’t Even Die Once

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If you have been keeping pace with old DDB, you know that I have been riding Smog City’s recent releases like a bucking sybian.  When they announced that they were doing a black currant saison, I got fully torqued and had to go to the ER after I had an erection that lasted longer that 4 hours.

The place was packed but there was an alarming paucity of neckbeards, much to my dismay

The place was packed but there was an alarming paucity of neckbeards, much to my dismay

I showed up late like an asshole and the place was packed.  Even with several pouring stations, the brewery has been picking up steam and there was a dearth of beta casuals and normal people.  The average BMI was well below 35, which is pretty disappointing, but I guess normal adjusted people need to drink beer too.

The kumquat saison was pretty pithy and oily, tart and akin to SitR Kumquat, but with a more watery finish.

The kumquat saison was pretty pithy and oily, tart and akin to SitR Kumquat, but with a more watery finish.

I walked in like an entitled dipshit with a magnum of Equipoise and for some reason people lose their fucking minds when you have a large format beer, even if it is barely a mag. People were all touching on it like Johnny Gill at a New Edition concert.

I was trying to snap pics of that dreamboat in the back but this delicious mixed fermentation saison got in the way

I was trying to snap pics of that dreamboat in the back but this delicious mixed fermentation saison got in the way

Equipoise was legit and ultra refreshing since the tasting room’s temperature was somewhere just north of hot as balls. Didnt really get any melon, faint brackish aspect to it, crisp and cheesy, I could merk the entire 1.5L and not even feel bad about myself.  I mean, I would feel bad about myself for other reasons, the usual ones.

The 240 bottles of this beer sold out instantly. Fucking typical.

The 240 bottles of this beer sold out instantly. Fucking typical.

When I saw the jammy magenta hues looking like a Lisa Frank binder I braced myself for some Smuckers extravaganza, but god damn it is this beer phenomenal.  It is dry, tart, tannic, bursting with blackberry jelly and acidic black cherry skins.  It toes the line of exceptional balance that you find in VSB and SHBRL where it is fruit forward without being overly sweet or cloying.  God damn it, this beer slays on many levels.  It is hardly a saison and puts a distinct American Wild Ale foot forward.  I would have enjoyed more brett C or musk from this, but at this point it’s like being angry about the spoiler on your Murcielago. Pithy ass complaints from a beer dipshit.

They were taking that world class Barrel Aged OE and making Old Fsahioneds with it.

They were taking that world class Barrel Aged OE and making Old Fsahioneds with it.

I fucking love BA OE, but that is already well established. When I saw they were making cocktails with it, my initial reaction was eye rolling and images of foodie dipshits trying to bridge the gap into the baller ass beer world.  I was wrong again.  They took the dank ass barleywine, added bitters, and flambeed an orange peel to open up both the bourbon aspects and underscore this awesome Grand Marnier/Sweet Brandy sort of interplay.  The beer was sadly degassed through the treatment but ZFG because the drink was awesome. Being a skeptical asshole did not pay me any dividends on this outing.

I usually facepalm when someone brings up "beer cocktails" but I will give this a pass because it was fucking delicious.

I usually facepalm when someone brings up “beer cocktails” but I will give this a pass because it was fucking delicious.

The whole event was dope, but then to polish things off they busted out their barrel aged imperial coffee stout, Infinite Wishes.  While I thought “The Nothing” was underwhelming, this takes shit to a whole different level.  It is substantial, frothy, hefty, and delivers a wallop of bakers chocolate and deep dry roast.  While I used to be indifferent to Smog City’s core offerings, their new barrel room releases are causing me to trip not an insubstantial amount of balls.

Peep those low ass fstop values oh fuuuuu

Peep those low ass fstop values oh fuuuuu

I can’t go to the May 30th release, someone send me that shit already.

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Top Five Beers to Drink on Cinco De Mayo if You Are an Ignorant Asshole

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CINCO DE FUXXKIN MAYO.  Time to slam overpriced rebranded inbev products and make racist caricatures! OH AND SUPPORT MULTINATIONAL TEQUILA CONGLOMERATES LOL.

Everyone loves this day of the year, if only because Mexican culture has affected the average craft beer drinker in such a profound way, that the average dipshit cant be expected to know the history of the holiday.  Usually you will see microbreweries with lagers bearing faux-racist names pandering out some microaggressions, or stouts with cinnamon and chilis in them because LOL MOLE, THEY LIKE THAT AMIRITE.

Since the type of person who blows fat stacks on consumable items doesn’t have the time or means to pay legitimate homage to the holiday or understand its historical roots LET’S MAKE A LIST OF CRAFT BEERS TO CELEBRATE CINCO DE DRINKO WITH!!!!

1)  Hill Farmstead Ephraim

Hill Farmstead, Ephraim, Double IPA, Granpa is Getting Touchy Feely

This has about as much to do with Mexican history as most of the shit I see

Fuck those DIPA hops from Vermont sure do allow me to pay solemn respect for the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French military forces on May 5, 1892, under the command of General Ignacio Zaragosa Seguin.  That massive ABV and citrus profile tastes so good when you erroneously call Cinco De Mayo “MEXICOS FOURTH OF JULY.”

2) Logsdon Peche n Brett

Logsdon Farmhouse Ales Peche ‘n Brett, Get Ready to Get your Peaches Gripped

If you thought I would make a produce harvesting joke, think again, because that would denature the structural credibility of my own soap box

Massive farmhouse ales are always deliciously paired with Enchiritos, Crunchwrap Supremes, or some other food developed by YUM Foods that Mexican people do not actually eat.  This beer is 10% abv and you will slam it and totally forget that Mexico’s Independence Day is actually on September 16th, but you’re tryna holler at that Bolivian girl in the Maxi dress because Bolivia is like a Mexican city basically.

3) Troegs Splinter Blue

Troegs Splinter Blue, dipping deep and pulling out them blue BALs

Knowing that you spent the same amount of money on a single stupid fucking beer than an undocumented landscaper makes in an entire week just bolsters the old self esteem, CHEERS TO YOUR EXCESS

Nothing says Cinco De Mayo like wildly expensive rare beers from Pennsylvania. I mean sure, Cinco De Mayo may not even be a national holiday in Mexco, but your life of privilege allows you to take the day off in Mexico’s honor.  Hell take two days off because those CORONA HANGOVERS AMIRITE? Don’t even act like you know where the state of Puebla is you geocentric dumbfuck.  If you drink enough of this you will inevitably ask a Hispanic person “Which kind of Mexican are you from?” and they will silently put up with your bullshit

4) Alpine Great Barleywine

Alpine GREAT Barleywine, For Those Times When Good Barleywine Just Wont Cut It

After a long day of being paid crippling poverty wages for unskilled labor, pass the 15% abv barleywine already

From the time of Mexican Independence in 1821 to the time of this battle in 1862, México suffered numerous setbacks in its attempts to form a stable republic, and endured several incursions into its sovereignty as an independent nation. SO LETS GET FUKNNNN WASTED. Great is a solid ass beer to get you hella wasted, and provides enough liquid courage for you to put a pancho over your Hollister v neck and shake plastic maracas offensively… just before someone puts a large sombrero on your head so you seem outgoing and fun, not just some dipshit who is the manager of an Express for Men.  The best part about Alpine Great is that it might even get you wasted enough to think that putting a fake mustache on with mardi gras beads is acceptable. CINCO DE SUCCESS IF YOU ASK ME.

5) Literally any beer, you don’t honestly give a shit

Birrificio Le Baladin Xyauyù Fumé (Islay Whisky) – Xyuken, Shoryuken, BALADASKINPEROOKIN

It seriously doesn’t even matter

All that shit is made by Grupo Modelo. a huge ass factory in Mexico owned by Belgian-Brazilian company Inbev. It has 63% of the Mexican beer market and exports beer to most countries of the world. Its export brands include Corona, Modelo, Pacifico and a bunch of other shit.  It doesn’t really matter what you choose, you’re probably an asshole. Right about now someone will bring up Constellation Brands, and how in June 2013 the company, which formerly imported Corona and other Modelo brands to the United States, acquired the US rights to those brands as a part of an anti-trust settlement permitting Modelo’s acquisition by Inbev along with a brewery in Mexico. It now produces its own versions of those products for the US, with Modelo serving all other countries.

No one gives a shit. This beer blog is the section 8 housing of the internet.

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@CycleBrewing Nooner 8, Getting Kicked Square in the old Hazelnutsack in the best possible way

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If you have been in the trade game for a hot minute, you will know that low bottlecount whales have kinda been the Florida NICHE for quite some time.  Back in 2011 when the world had a nervous breakdown over the 50 bottle release of Funky Buddha WIDE AWAKE, the precedent was well established, which is to say nothing of the 84 bottles of Apple Brandy Huna and all kinds of other apeshit releases.  Well today we have a 1 per person, 300 bottle release that put up world class stats in the stout game, so why not soloskull this shit and share it with no one, PAR FOR THE COURSE ON THE DDB COUNTRY CLUB LINKS

Even the nicest camera wont make someone less of an adjunct stout coveting shitlord

Even the nicest camera wont make someone less of an adjunct stout coveting shitlord

Nooner 8, Floridaland, Cycle Brewing

Hazelnut BA Rare Dos, 10.5% abv, Imperial Stout

The elongated countertop was essential to the composition

The elongated countertop was essential to the composition

A: It pours viscous and emits a frothy mocha frap foam that cascades upwards like a garbage disposal pushing your refuse back into your life.  The coating is nicely executed and stains the glass enough, but not in that weakling Central Water(y) sort of way.

S:  Even just pouring this it is a hazelnut, coffee creamer extravaganza.  It smells like some negligent ass barista dropped a bottle of torani syrup in my kitchen and just left it there.  It is wave upon wave of Snickers, Kit Kats, Malted whoppers and sticky chocolate.  I even get an odd like laundry dryer sheet sort of waxiness on the nose, straight up Yankee candle shit for sure.

STOUT BALLERS CHECKING IN

STOUT BALLER SQUAD CHECKING IN

T:  The taste is a liquified Ferrero Rocher.  If you are poverty status and dont know what that is, that is an overpiced candy that white people give to other white people at Christmas when they hate each other.  It is comically overdone with vanilla oils like Tollhouse cookies, wafflecone, just absurd amounts of oiliness to it that creates a sticky sweet greasiness like a funnel cake.  I can see people loving this in limited doses but holy fuck this goes completely overboard and makes Grey Monday seem restrained by contrast.

Just an exceptional stout, no need for concern

Just an exceptional stout, no need for concern

M:  This is nimble on the palate and doesn’t coat excessively, but jesus does that Hazelnut exercise some squatter’s rights. It imparts an endless oiliness on the gumline that clings with the sweet nutty aspects for dear life.  You know how when someone does “DONT STOP BELIEVING” in kareoke you get to laugh your ass off at them having to do the same chorus for the final 3 minutes? That is how this plays out.  I want to take another sip and it is like ENOUGH ALREADY, you made your point.  This is the hazelnut equivalent of asking someone “wait so what is Crossfit” or “so if you are vegan what can you eat?” It is going to be long laborious interaction.

adjunct stouts put ur tastebuds inthe friendzone so hard wats the point

adjunct stouts put ur tastebuds inthe friendzone so hard wats the point

D:  I killed this with relative ease but felt like a decadent 18th century French aristocrat.  This is a perfect example of a beer that will put up Calvin Broadus numbers because invariably some stupid fuck will give up their entire cellar to land it and it will get split 19 ways to much fanfare and backslapping at a tasting.  So of course everyone will lose their shit.  Don’t get me wrong, it is VERY good, it is better than Grey Monday due to approachability, but it isn’t on some next level Puga Royale/BVDL shit. Seek it out if you care enough, with 8 of these you might land an Aquavint Derk Lerd.

ONE CAN ONLY DREAM.