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Goose Island Rare Bottles are about to be the Subprime Mortgage Crisis of the Beer World

Rare holders right now be like-

sell

If you have had the misfortune to stumble into beer trade forums recently there is a staunchly divided contingency of beer nerds, beset in two camps.  The first consists of the dudes who went to Rare Day and are attempting to loot any and all dinnerware from the sinking Titanic before tens of thousands of bottles hit nationwide distro.  You will be able to spot these dudes a mile away because they will argue things like “well trade value is based on QUALITY AND TASTE” or “even if 60,000 bottles are released, uh, well that’s like, you can’t really say that’s all that many…really…because uhm…demand…” These dudes are riding the crest of a profiteering wave attempting to land Blauw and Armand Seasons before shit crashes in a salty barrel. Take a shot once they reference the quality of the entirely unrelated bottles of 2010 Rare, you’ll be wasted quick enough.

The equally ridiculous demographic on the opposing side consists of pangloss guys who assume that these $60 bottles will show up in their local Walgreens, gathering dust for years to come.  These are the guys who have ever expanding speculative quotes about how many bottles are going to be released.  It should be well in the six figures by the time DDB posts this. You can spot them a mile away offering like HUNA+ or some Trickery-tier ticks, fully prepared for some Sharks vs. Jets scrap.

The best part about all of these RareCiceroNies is that the vast majority of them can’t identify why the barrel treatment matters in any meaningful way.  Sure, explain to me why you prefer 35 year age stated bourbon.  Tell me all the various single cask three decade old bourbons that you have tried, I will wait.  When Pugachev 25 year came out, every one of them was still having sex with lukewarm melons and complaining about HEAT, but wait 35 year barrels? PASS THAT RARE.  I mean, sure, the bourbon was never released to retail but PUTTING BEER IN THOSE BARRELS MUST BE INCREDIBLE BECAUSE MOAR YEARS.

It is hard to know who to root for, since both have wildly skewed perceptions of value and will only degrade the beer culture by waiting in 8 hour lines for things they have no intention of opening.  It’s like when your alcoholic stepdad shows up to fight the racist school bully: can’t both of them just get knocked the fuck out concurrently? I can only hope for a Battle of the Marne result where both sides wear one another down to a nub and there is no winner by decision.

They would need to make significant advances in microspectronomy to detect the fucks I give about the actions of these rapacious hucksters at this point. If anyone needs me I will be opening a Saison Dupont and turning my rare box into a lacquered fleshlight.

 

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CASEY CUT CAGEMATCH AKA THAT “TRIPLE C”: @caseybrewing Balaton Cut vs. Blackberry Cut. THEY WILL CUT U.

Colorado has a proud heritage of undersung, albeit incredible releases. In a bygone pre-pasteurizing era, New Belgium used to pad out the Whaley ranks with caged and corked one offs. For a period it was radio silence and the state was free to legalize marijuana, drive Subarus and make beers using breakfast cereal without impugnity. Colorado continues to have this absurd model of just delivering top tier beers directly to local consumers without artificially throttling output, using lotteries, or other stupid shit to artificially inflate branding or good will. WHEN WILL THEY LEARN. This concept coupled with the fact that Colorado traders are exceedingly generous kept the Rockies hidden like that colony in Atlas Shrugged where productive people could be free from usurious neckbeards.

Soft fruit. Soft lighting. Soft berry kisses.

Soft fruit. Soft lighting. Soft berry kisses.

Sadly, with mounting demand comes husky REI enthusiasts willing to brave long lines for fruited wild ales. I can’t fault Casey for this, but the typically genial Colorado population is maligning themselves with the rapacious Chicagoan paradigm. That little state is embracing hoarding like a stepmom with dementia. As a result these 1 per person, 120 count Casey Cut releases are the cat shit filled houses, with analogy extension.

For today’s review we are going to do a shootout of the original two Casey cuts to determine if they are worth the degree of balls-tripping that has resulted. Balaton Cut vs Blackberry Cut, two fruits enter, but only one condescending asshole emerges!

Turn slowly for maximum vend

Turn slowly for maximum vend

Casey Cut Blackberry

No corners were cut on the produce budget for this beer and the ridiculous Claire’s hue shows the tannins stacked on tannins, skins on skins. The radiant pour is welcoming but also had this dull fruity matte finish like when Persian dudes paint a 3 series flat magenta to prove its isn’t their dad’s car, he just still lives at home at age 33.

The turbidity is milky and seems to tenaciously grip its farmhouse roots without some clarifying e brake. I love the way these both look.

The nose is at the outset a bit mineral and almost brackish, spritzer with a huge berry roundhouse on the backend. This isn’t jammy tiny diner jellies, this is more akin to post harvest, first crush, warm fruit languishing on the rich silt, fruit skins and puppy musk.  Pour it into a gym sock and huff them fruits.

The look on both of these beers is just ridiculous.

The look on both of these beers is just ridiculous.

The taste of the blackberry is sharper than I expected but never puts a muddy lacto boot In your entryway. It is subtle and gentle, with a sort of award like Troy Casey wanted you to actually be able to drink an entire bottle to yourself. Imagine that, a wild ale that establishes itself without massaging the poles of extremes. The oak is not as pronounced as let’s say VSB or SHBRL, but it is also far more easy going. The Berry profile is like a sidecar on the coolest Vespa you have ever see. It doesn’t try to stunt or overwhelm, you just have a glowing appreciation for the ingenuity and character of it. It is incredibly good and rounds the edges off of the Nocturn Chrysalis model, a creamy soft mouthfeel like 500ct berry sheets.

Cherry poppin daddy

Cherry poppin daddy

Balaton Cut

All of the exceptional praise for the appearance on the blackberry carries over here except the bright KOOL aid aspects make it flow even more ridiculously. If you slit the throat of an otter pop this would be its arterial fluid: beautiful.

The nose is not as original or interesting as the blackberry, which is to say it is still phenomenal, albeit with other comparable existing analogs.  It falls somewhere in between the Fruitiness of Montmorency vs. Balaton and the acidity/cheesiness of Lou Pepe Kriek.  When those are the comparisons you draw, it’s safe to say Casey has it’s shit well in hand at this point.

feeling juiced rite nao

feeling juiced rite nao

The taste is a relaxing romp through the cherry orchard, more blossom than fruit, more languid stroll than ravenous gathering. It has the hallmarks of some of the best krieks, the skins from De Cam but with a distrinctively Sante Adairius sort of pillowy safety to the mouthfeel.  The acidity is kept well in check and it never feels robitussin forward or strays into the elusive Ludens cough drop zone.  While it may not reach the ultimate subllimity of say Cable Car Kriek, it stands head and shoulders over many of the highly lauded recent fruited wild ales.

BUT DDB WHAT IF I HAVE ACTUAL PRIORITIES IN LIFE AND CAN’T TRACK THESE DOWN?

Alright, well maybe you are at the wrong website, but there is limited hope if you find yourself in this situation.  While hardly “easy” to land, you could always try for Lou Pepe Kriek or, in a pinch, go after regular shelf Drie Fonteinen Kriek. I can’t say that the De Garde lineup has anything directly analogous to these beers and honestly the best alternative might be just another Casey beer:

150% THE FRUIT AW LIFE IS A BOWL OF CHERRIES HOMIE

150% THE FRUIT AW LIFE IS A BOWL OF CHERRIES HOMIE

While not as complex or bright, even the “150% FRUIT MONTMORENCY FRUIT STAND” is still a fantastic beer.  You get the refreshing berry character, that same soft mouthfeel, and incredible crushability. Plus, just look at that beer, god damn does it look inviting. The perfect beer to crush after savagely screaming at your son’s little league coach. REFRESHING.

Sometimes being your own biggest competitor is an ideal situation to embrace, and I can’t think of may other breweries executing fruited wild ales with this much balance and tiptoeing as Casey Brewing.  If you want something subtle that you can drink to yourself while you sob and call phone numbers out old yearbooks, CASEY HAS THE PERFECT GEMS FOR YOU.

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Is Cantillon Blabaer 2013 the Head-on Berry Collision that Complainers Like to Make it Out to Be?

Ddb reviewed Blabby back like four years ago or some shit so we aren’t going to retread that ground in full at this juncture.

Here knock yourself out:

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/02/08/cantillon-blabaer-after-an-entire-year-of-searching-i-finally-land-my-white-whale/

LOL TUMS BC ACID GUIZE GET IT #firstjokes

LOL TUMS BC ACID GUIZE GET IT #firstjokes

But what about those infamous “off” vintages? Every three years, meatsweatted cicerones will capriciously decide OH NO FUCK BRO THAT YEAR SUCKS MY HOME BREW CLUB AGREED TOO.

This happened with Flora b6, it happened with Fantasia b2, the NOTORIOUSLY SHITTY Cable Car 2010: none of this makes any sense. Nine times out of ten, the complaints hover around “BRUH it wasn’t even like as sour as I remember, making something more sour is a demonstration of true breW skillz.”

Flora b6 was a touch less sour sure, but posting ISOs specifically like “ANY FLORA BATCH EXCEPT THAT HORRIBLE BATCH FIVE THAT I KNOW IS TERRIBLE” makes no sense. Flora is still fucking delicious.

The glass upskirt is second only to placing the bottle ontop of the glass in stupid beer photography

The glass upskirt is second only to placing the bottle ontop of the glass in stupid beer photography

The greatest victim of this paradigm is tattered old Blabaer 2013. Somewhere along the line people ruled that blabaer must be X2OMG sour and intensely Smuckers and if it isn’t, then JVR really shit the bed on this one.

Blabby already exists as a trade anomaly on so many levels. It often exists as a crown jewel for a first or second year trader to “accomplish” a badge of blueberry merit, to validate their face hole. These same people toss up 8:1 offers and covetous hoarders tear them down.

Those same stupid dipshits who hoard blabaer are actively trying to trade them upwards for Pikku or an M or some shit. This will never happen for the simple reason that: everyone only needs to try Blabaer once.

That isn’t to say it isn’t good, but traders of a certain experience know to never actually drink a Blabaer when St. Lam is far easier to land and tastes better. Therefore bottles of blabaer never move downward, but they can never move upward either. They sit and malinger until someone wants to stunt hard as fuck at some brewery event and live on in infamy in UNTAPPD reviews. WOW Herbert Spencer, such legacy achieved, sociological immortality.

"BRO IF NO ONE LIKES THEM SEND TO ME 4 PROPAR DISPOSALS LOL AMIRITE"

“BRO IF NO ONE LIKES THEM SEND TO ME 4 PROPAR DISPOSALS LOL AMIRITE”

So within this climate you have two poles of raters: 1) bitter assholes who traded a ton for it and were “forced” to open it and share it with ignorant cretins and 2) unappreciative shitlords who failed time and time again to land it and now want to engage in some growing pains of iconoclasm and take poor blabby down a peg,

So yeah, if you pour 2013 Blabaer amongst 15 people it won’t be as aggro sour, it won’t be as fruity, but it is even more interesting in its musky tannic vibe. So within the scope of 1 ounce within bitter BJCP turd hammers, it will become the “bad” vintage.  It is still a phenomenal beer and one should look at groupmind “consensus” with a grain of gose.

Fire up a dare form tab and get over it. Beer itself and beer people get worse with every passing day, fading away in cellars and basements, respectively.

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DOUBLE FERMENTATION @sapporobeer Reserve, Ultra Whaley Japanese Lagers

Odds are, if you have ever gotten shithoused while sake bombing in undergrad, there’s a one in three chance that you have encountered one of the three Japanese brewing Megazords: Kirin Ichiban, Asahi, or Sapporo. If I had my choice between the three, Sapporo is usually my go to, despite the gentle and almost diaphanous nature of the three competing styles.

But what do you want, some syrupy old ale or intensely juniper ipa masking that expensive ass Uni you just paid for, you gentrified asshole? But today we have the walezbro Sapporo Reserve, Kotaku culture on full swole.
sometimes I get fully turnt and cant control those fstop values, why do I even bother with nice things

sometimes I get fully turnt and cant control those fstop values, why do I even bother with nice things

Sapporo Reserve, Japan
Euro Pale Lager meets Japanese Lager, 5.2% abv
Commercial tug job:

“Sapporo Reserve is a super premium lager brewed almost twice as long as other competing brands. Reserve is brewed with only finest European barley, and the most select European hops.”
 
A: this pours looking more honey hued and amber than the pale yellow of regular Sapporo, it also has a slight degree of more cling and lacing, well above the call of duty for something a stupid investment banker will spill all over while saying some microaggressions at a sushi bar. As a corollary, their steel can branding is iconic and I love drilling those from the can, the heft like some nimble cutlass in my drunken shuffle boarding Palm. I have no idea what “brewed twice as long” means. It spends a needlessly long time in the primary? They don’t dry hop this so it sits in the secondary uselessly? Who the fuck knows, my external hard drive full of Hentai/tentacle porn offers no answers.
OH SHIT GUIZE: Shiraseru Am: a smartphone-integrated wearable pet behavior and health monitoring device

OH SHIT GUIZE: Shiraseru Am: a smartphone-integrated wearable pet behavior and health monitoring device

The smell is tame and gives a “blast” of Saaz and maybe Sterling Golden. The rice and cloying saltine aspects from normal Japanese lagers is absent here and this comes across more Germanic in execution, like a pale marzen in a way. It won’t change your life but it gives a degree of actual complexity beyond “I am a beer, order extra yellowtail Travis always takes it all.”
The taste is again very European and has a lightly grassy aspect and fades into a bisquik biscuit with a touch of honey sweetness. It is dismissive in its presence, like a neglected girlfriend it allows you to attend other affairs and, as a result, it endlessly pairable. The silent grace has a clean mouthfeel, without lingering dryness or hoppy residuals. “No no palate, you go out with your friends, I’ll stay home and catch up on STITCHERS on ABC Family.”
NO WAY GUIEZ: Chogokin Miracle Henkei Hatsune Miku Rody: the most unusual, awesome tie-up toy of the year!

NO WAY GUIEZ: Chogokin Miracle Henkei Hatsune Miku Rody: the most unusual, awesome tie-up toy of the year!

The chief virtue behind a beer that goes with the flow is placing it in dynamic situations. Pair this shit with Thai or Barbeque, tapas or duck confit. It won’t protest or really compliment the flavor profiles, but it is so malleable that you can shape it and bend it like Floam. I’ll give you a second to go and Google “floam.”
The funniest part about the dipshits who review this beer on BA or dumbass badge hunters who lambast this is the fact that many “craft” offerings are far shittier. Like the adolescent palate defining itself by rebelling against large companies, many entry level tickers rip on the Sapporo lineup unjustly to validate their own weak ass collection of Rogue beers.
Japanese women who are hella into katana swords get me harder than adamantium

Japanese women who are hella into katana swords get me harder than adamantium

It is summer, bring a few of these big ass steel cans to a cookout and see if your normal/non-basement dwelling friends don’t 1) drink the shit out of them and 2) not think you are a Megan’s Law weirdo for once.
It is 85 degrees out, don’t be the foreskin baller who shows up to a bbq with Adam from the Wood: no one gives a fuck except you. Keep that nerdy shit to yourself and drill some Japanese lager like a real God damn american.
1

Three Floyd’s Murda’D Out Stout, For When Being Baller Just Isn’t Enough and Your Beer Needs that Persian Appeal

Three Floyd’s pushes the limits in two things: 1) hoppiness and 2) the elasticity of my anus for these extremely expensive releases. This beer was a ~800 bottle release priced at a whopping $50 a bottle. Some people might be cracking a Rare and shrugging their shoulders, but for the rest of us not living off of capital gains, $50 for a beer is a serious perineum pounder. Anyway, by way of history, almost 2 years ago, Baller Stout came out and it was $30, and beer nerds were acting like the 4 horsemen of the stoutpacalypse had arrived: a blend of Darkness, Dark Lord, Beer Geek Brunch, and Black Albert. So when they announced this, I knew shit was gonna get real. They did not mention that they aged each component beer in barrels prior to blending for 14 months then CPK “two in a bowled” that stout for this masterpiece. Enough fluffing, let’s get to full on stout ejaculation.

Some people be like "$50 rare bottle and you rock pours like that" yeah welcome to DDB, where we arent poor acorn dicks. Make yourself at home.

Some people be like “$50 rare bottle and you rock pours like that” yeah welcome to DDB, where we arent poor acorn dicks. Make yourself at home.

Three Floyds Brewing Co. & Brewpub
Indiana, United States
Style | ABV
Russian Imperial Stout | ABV ?

A: This has the slick oiliness like Parabola with a nice beige roast still hiding in the bubbles letting you know there is some unresolved shit going on in there. The pour is deep black but sadly I was expecting it to have a “flat black” sheen to it like those stupid assholes in West Hollywood who want people to know this is THEIR RANGE ROVER AND JUST BECAUSE THEIR DAD PAID FOR IT DOESNT MAKE IT HIS PARENT’S CAR. It is shiny black instead.

What's that you say? $50 1 per person brewery release? IN THE MIDWEST? Well I never.

What’s that you say? $50 1 per person brewery release? IN THE MIDWEST? Well I never.

S: Holy hell this is a complex beer and you have to pull it apart like an onion, or the psoriasis on your testicles. I feel like that Dark Lord leads with its robed black foot first and supplies a deep black blast of sugar, turbinado sweetness, bakers chocolate and Hershey’s syrup all wrapped in a warm bourbon blankie straight from the dryer. You get this coffee pat on the back from Mikkeller, but fuck Mikkeller, the only reason you are hanging out with Beer Geek anything is because it is surrounded by a ton of hot stout chicks. Darkness finishes things out with a deep roasty dryness and this mallowfoam smell that just lingers like when you wonder how many Taco Bell items that you bought the night before.

T: This taste has the complexity of the above and is like Hungry Hungry Hippos just raping your tastes buds with cascading elbows of roast, then bourbon sweetness, then coffee acidity, and chocolate Stone Cold stunning the fuck out of every taste zone. It reminds me if you took the amazingness of Barrel Aged Dark Lord (any really) and they started tossing on body kits, rims, spoilers, and all kinds of extraneous shit. It is a bit sloppier in execution as a result, but it is genuinely every bit as good. I am so glad that this beer has flown so deeply under people’s respective radars. I guess that $50 price tag and the 1 per person was enough to pucker more than a few buttholes, BUT MY BUTTHOLE REMAINS UNPUCKERABLE.

Drink this stout, then go try a normal ass off shelf offering and be all like-

Drink this stout, then go try a normal ass off shelf offering and be all like-

M: This is sticky on the teeth with residual sugars and stick malts but also slightly wafty from the bourbon and the bitter zones get this deep char, Slippy is just doing barrel rolls all day and doesn’t even need to be saved. I can’t accurately restate the mouthfeel without just putting the aforementioned adjectives in a tumble dryer, so fuck it, if you dont get it this might not be the right place for you.

D: This likely has an ABV above 13% abv and I would drink this shit all day long. No qualifier like “I meant during winter” or some bullshit, I will drink this before my job as a bus driver because everyone knows 1) bus drivers cant get DUIs and 2) no one can get a DUI while the sun is up. It is widely known. The cruelest jokes are always the best beers being the least accessible (INB4 Parabola assholes, I know, I know.) Now forget everything I just said, I dont want you ungrateful assholes ruining my chances at landing another one of these. If you have one, it was not even that good, I will send you some Knee Deep stuff for one. Get at me.

Sure it was $50 and super rare, but try to enjoy yourself at least.

Sure it was $50 and super rare, but try to enjoy yourself at least.

NarratiVe: The life of a Chimera only seemed like a blast from the outside. Sure, you are fierce and amazing, aweinspiring at worst. But what about those other times? Try sharing the duality of identity with a series of united beasts. I was born a lion head attached to the body of a dragon, sharing an L1-L2 spinal segment with a goat head, and an unruly snake as a tail. You think I ever got to finish my memoirs with all those assholes constantly wanting to fly around, raid villages, slay King Cnut’s people, submerge scandinavian sea vessels, and fuck all else? Yeah, no rest to be had at all. The snake is diabetic and constantly complaining about our iron and glucose intake, I swear that fucking goat head just eats anything, peasant huts, cabbage farms; anything. Last week the dragon tried to use our penis to have sex with a Manticore. A FUCKING MANTICORE. Can you imagine the bush on that thing? Having a shared penis is bad enough but, you gotta draw the line somewhere. Sure, I am one piece of a fierce beast, but I have so much more complexity than outsiders ever imagine.

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McKenzie Brew House Saison Du Bois, Blanche Dubois Relying on the Courtesy of Strangers

SAISON MARATHON HAS TO REVIEW RARE SAISONS SOMETIMES TOO.

This rare ass saison practically fell into my lap and I completely lucked out being able to trade for this. I had zero hopes of landing something like this with a bottle count in the magical sub-400 level. I have found that landing these ambrosial treats, no matter how whaleish, is almost always easier than dealing with that pesky BA Stout and BA Barleywine territory. I am also fucking things up for those of us covert saison lovers with all of these reviews but, anything is possible if 50 fucked Vivica.

Straight up BIC pen on the label, 372 bottles .rars to the fullest, monster monster tickers I got it.

McKenzie Brew House
Pennsylvania, United States
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 7.00% ABV

A: This has a beautiful aspect to it and just the right amount of carbonation and overall this saison hits the aristotelian mean on all fronts, not too spicey, not too dry, not too over carbed, just a solid Mario ass saison. The result is an exceptional exercise in moderation that is noteworthy for that very reason. This looks like a apricot juice and has a cumulus nimbus fluffy white crown to it.

400 bottle release? I would hit that shit.

S: This goes for an incredibly herbal aspect to it that lays out the sod first and seeds up some beds of wet turf, finally closing with a sort of lemon zest meets yearbook musk for the noscope headshot. I really enjoy it, despite the fact that it doesn’t lean entirely towards the light acidity that I enjoy out of my saisons. If every saison were the same they would be IPAs and what is the fun in that shit? Let hopheads initiate beer n00bs, I don’t have time for that shit. This is big boy beer bangers, more snare in my headphones.

The saison is a graceful, award winning style that is always a bit funky.

T: This follows the nose with a dryness and herbal aspect to it that reminds me almost of an herbal fernet branca sort of vibe that immediately gives way to that acidic aspect that I was looking for IN THE FIRST PLACE. The lactic aspects were not pronounced on the nose but then they lazily show up with oranges and tangelo in tow, imparting a post menopausal dryness that only Glenn Close could replicate. This finishes with a sort of chamomille aspect to it that is refreshing and relaxing at the same time.

M: No shocker here, you can’t snort rails of Earl Grey all day and not expect some dryness. Hell, if you rub darjeeling on your eurethra and go to town, you will last for hours. This saison is much the same way, herbal but provides that refreshing blast to keep your coming back for another drying sip. The light acidity gives this a finish like biting into an Anjou pear, straight up revitalizing.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable, but you should have already picked that up from the foregoing. There’s this sort of clarity to the complicated elements that is united under the wheat and brett character. This is another one of those reviews where I tell you to seek out a 300 bottle release and end up looking like a twatwaffle, but, seek it out. Get on that grizzy.

Saisons might not be the most desired style of beer, but they are amazing on the inside.

Narrative: Dig, oxidize, seed, cover, aerate, hydrate, harvest; it was the same thing day in and day out at Sodtech Inc. The contingency of scientists and resident honduran lawn technicians worked away busily harvesting new strains of lusher and lusher grasses. The recent strain of fescue was redolent with bluebell and felt like those velour tracksuits that Persian housewives are wont to wear. Somehow, Adam Walters felt that this existence left something to be desired. Sure he patented an azure seedling that was hydroefficient, but ever since Claire left the lab, he felt a deep dryness in his heart. He was the head of his Botany class and revolutionized his hydroponics seminar but he could not forget her flaxen locks, the way she would add ammonium nitrate to the bedding solution. She was pure grace with gloves that smelled of Barefoot Chardonnay. Alas, perhaps being a grass lab provocatuer was not the most efficient way to court the ladies, knee deep in animal dung, thinking about fertilization that could have been.