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Goose Island Rare Bottles are about to be the Subprime Mortgage Crisis of the Beer World

Rare holders right now be like-

sell

If you have had the misfortune to stumble into beer trade forums recently there is a staunchly divided contingency of beer nerds, beset in two camps.  The first consists of the dudes who went to Rare Day and are attempting to loot any and all dinnerware from the sinking Titanic before tens of thousands of bottles hit nationwide distro.  You will be able to spot these dudes a mile away because they will argue things like “well trade value is based on QUALITY AND TASTE” or “even if 60,000 bottles are released, uh, well that’s like, you can’t really say that’s all that many…really…because uhm…demand…” These dudes are riding the crest of a profiteering wave attempting to land Blauw and Armand Seasons before shit crashes in a salty barrel. Take a shot once they reference the quality of the entirely unrelated bottles of 2010 Rare, you’ll be wasted quick enough.

The equally ridiculous demographic on the opposing side consists of pangloss guys who assume that these $60 bottles will show up in their local Walgreens, gathering dust for years to come.  These are the guys who have ever expanding speculative quotes about how many bottles are going to be released.  It should be well in the six figures by the time DDB posts this. You can spot them a mile away offering like HUNA+ or some Trickery-tier ticks, fully prepared for some Sharks vs. Jets scrap.

The best part about all of these RareCiceroNies is that the vast majority of them can’t identify why the barrel treatment matters in any meaningful way.  Sure, explain to me why you prefer 35 year age stated bourbon.  Tell me all the various single cask three decade old bourbons that you have tried, I will wait.  When Pugachev 25 year came out, every one of them was still having sex with lukewarm melons and complaining about HEAT, but wait 35 year barrels? PASS THAT RARE.  I mean, sure, the bourbon was never released to retail but PUTTING BEER IN THOSE BARRELS MUST BE INCREDIBLE BECAUSE MOAR YEARS.

It is hard to know who to root for, since both have wildly skewed perceptions of value and will only degrade the beer culture by waiting in 8 hour lines for things they have no intention of opening.  It’s like when your alcoholic stepdad shows up to fight the racist school bully: can’t both of them just get knocked the fuck out concurrently? I can only hope for a Battle of the Marne result where both sides wear one another down to a nub and there is no winner by decision.

They would need to make significant advances in microspectronomy to detect the fucks I give about the actions of these rapacious hucksters at this point. If anyone needs me I will be opening a Saison Dupont and turning my rare box into a lacquered fleshlight.

 

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Goose Island Bourbon County Vanilla Rye, It is Actually that Good. God Damn it.

DDB is no stranger to eating shovelfuls of molten crow.  Back when I was yapping off at the nanners before the BA Barleywine tasting, the midwest cleaned up and Great got the heisman right to the chest.  It’s fine to be wrong and tuck the acorn peen between the thighs.  In this instance being speculatively wrong has never felt so right: BCBVR is amazing.  I can’t backpedal or use artful qualifiers to wriggle out of this one.  It really is that good, lamentably.  Let’s get to it already and get this pageantry over with.

NUCLEATION!? This review is now completely worthless.

NUCLEATION!? This review is now completely worthless.

Imperial Stout, Chicago, 13.4% abv, whalezbro

Ok so what sets this apart from the previously, already good, BCBVS? Different beans to flick, different BALs to juggle.  Bourbon in the previous iteration and rye in the current one.  Let’s get to it.

A:  This has a thinner aspect than coffee and the other variants with less sheeting and less, more carb, and just overall seems livelier.  There is a degree of balance to what is typically intensely massive and just looks dead on in every aspect.

S:  The nose is rich and decadent with layers of waffle cone, vanilla milkshake, Whoppers, nougat and of course sticky vanilla.  This is not vanilla extract or Yankee Candle or Glade Plug In, legit WE ARE BAKING SNICKERDOODLES, vanilla.  It is frustratingly good, it’s difficult to take in the layers of smells concurrently with the gnashing of teeth.

I got Xannies in a Bourbon County bottle, I dont take them shits but you

I got Xannies in a Bourbon County bottle, I dont take them shits but you

T:  This is a touch thinner than regular BCBS but shines as a result.  Without hefty residual sugar flab, the bakery goes into full production with mounds bar, almond joy, rich chocolate notes, cake pops, and a lingering sweet vanilla finish.  IT never becomes too sweet for its own good and delivers without excess the promise of that bean.  It is an unquestionable improvement over regular and coffee BCBS, I prefer it to Propreeshitors, baconator or otherwise.

M:  The rye barrel takes this to places that made the original BCBVS seem uninteresting.  The spicy crackle from the rye helps to offset the sticky vanilla and seems to thin out the vanilla oils with a touch of balance adding nuance and depth to a beer that could have been like sticking your cock in a soft serve cone.  It is the thinnest of the BCBS treatments since Cherry Rye and just works so well with a light fusel heat and crackle along the gumline.  It is silky but never flabby, excellent carb and you keep hitting up the ATM to get more vanilla singles/fun tickets to rain on the stage.

PART OF THE FUN IS ATTENDING BLACK FRIDAY RELEASES WITH MY PALS IN CHICAGO

PART OF THE FUN IS ATTENDING BLACK FRIDAY RELEASES WITH MY PALS IN CHICAGO

D:  This is just an outright phenomenal beer and no amount of brow furrowing, or quoting distro numbers, or making fun of dipshits on the trade boards will change that fact.  I could try to whip up a 2 minute youtube masterpiece to bring myself to terms with this but, it is just simply too well done and widely available to the masses.  Sure there are other stouts that are better, but with a much steeper casting cost.  This wont tap your lands that hard, relative to the other top tier stouts. It would be absurd to tell a DDB reader to seek this out, but I would temper that sentiment with “within reason.”

A solid stout for the holidays, but don't crack your nuts landing it.

A solid stout for the holidays, but don’t crack your nuts landing it.

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@penrosebrewing Wild V, come to Chicago and get your V card swiped, It will be so wild.

Alright, no more pussyfooting around with Penrose’s normal offerings, let’s get to something special: Penrose’s first wild ale.  What is this charming, unassuming golden ale on brett? Is this the wild ale to heal Chicago tickers’ PTSD from Blue Lady? Will this be the reawakening of Small Animal Big Machine in resplendent glory? Or will people drown themselves in Lake Michigan like Chopin/Woolfe/literary wheelies.

Let’s put on those northface jackets and hit the loop for some IP action in today’s review. MEAT PACKING COMMENCE.

Oh man, backordering Wild I-IV right now just to see what I MISSED.

Oh man, backordering Wild I-IV right now just to see what I MISSED.

Penrose, Chicago IL

Wild V 5.x% abv

Wild Ale, Golden on Brett

Holy hell was this one a bitch to open, I tried pulling with my mouth, stroking the neck to warm it up, using my rabbit opener to leverage the shaft, until finally I had to force matters with a screw.  OH SHIT GUIZE I AM ALL INTO EUPHEMISMS NOW GET IT.

A:  Right out of the gates things are going smoothly with a radiant orange and brassy tarnished tangerine that presents substantial attenuation that cascades in massive clouds like Migos’s dressing room. Versaceversaceversace PENROSE GOT BAKING SODA BAKING SODA.  It is just beautiful and the cling is the type that a gypsy ale-seer could read your future with, endless cling and spotty embellishments upon the glass with each sip.  Phenomenal.

S:  Ok honestly, when a brewery releases their first SOUR I wait with casual distrust but those sideways glances were completely unwarranted: This is fucking awesome.  If you ever wanted Temptation to caress Block 15’s Golden Canary: this is your smut.  The nose is vibrant pineapple, fuji apple, floral notes like a glade plug ins, tart clementines, a mild musk like autumn carpet and a closer that reminds me of twine or rope.  You know the acidity is there but the tropical fruits are radiant, it hurts to look at, CAREBEAR STARE LEVEL SHIT.

dropping hot Care-y ropes on your chin.

dropping hot Care-y ropes on your chin.

T:  This is admittedly more sour than I was expecting and puckers in a sort of venomous Chardonnay with light french oak leading the charge onto the bicuspids.  It transitions into sour patch kids, a faint sweetness like cornbread, ripe clementine, and a grapefruit closer.  It never goes overboard or is painful of which to take large swallows. It follows through with the tartness but gives a light earthiness akin to Armand Herfst, like leaves on the back palate.  This is admittedly, very good stuff.  I don’t say that with the type DDB qualifier or some backhanded circumlocution: you will drill your entire bottle and not want to share.

This beer is a throwback to the days of drinkable AWAs before it was all about enamel stripping and Rhone barrel sourcing

This beer is a throwback to the days of drinkable AWAs before it was all about enamel stripping and Rhone barrel sourcing

M:  This is drying on the sides of your tongue but never hits oppressive levels of gumline recession, which was my main complaint with Chandelle.  It never becomes too tart, and as it warms gives you a cheese rind waxiness and perhaps a faint diacetyl in the form of apple sucker but it’s more in the exhale and when you lick along your incisors than the actual taste.  I am really hitting hardpan trying to come up with ways to knock this shit, it’s frustrating when a brewery doesn’t fuck something up because, then what am I supposed to complain about, label art and shit?

D:  This is exceedingly drinkable in the same vein as Brute and the dryness with a tartness that lends for deep sips, your 375 is not a shareable vessel.  In fact, that’s one of my main gripes about this: the format is complete bullshit.  They know that no one will have a 12 ounce of this and fold their arms content.  The musk hits you hard from the back like Sherman, no interception. The white grape aspect alone as it warms is enough to make me want to chain combo these like Kratos, air to ground juggling until the sun comes up and then I have to start working on those job applications like I promised my P.O.

For all the dipshits who attend tomorrow’s Nuthululaulu release, it will be a perfect summary of the current beer scene if this beer does not sell out immediately.  Chicago is on its way to crafting a Shasta Beatification that delivers on so many levels.

Meanwhile at the Clybourn release, thongs are already soaking in 34 degree weather.

Meanwhile at the Clybourn release, thongs are already soaking in 34 degree weather.

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@penrosebrewing Desirous, It’s a belgi- uh, it’s an IPA, er wait it’s a witbie- GOD DAMNIT JUST DRINK WHAT I GIVE YOU

Alright, so let’s take another stab at those Penrose boys and see if Chicago is alive and well after the dystopian BCBS dipshits left no stone unturned in their quest for beers with a higher finishing gravity than this beer started with.

Sometimes when things are unclassifiable, it is a good thing because the occupy the respective realms so fully that you don’t care.  Other times it is like “golden lager amber saison on cloudberries, the fuck am I holding?” Despite all the crazy ass adjectives here, let’s parse this down, it is essentially a dry hopped belgian wit at its core, and it’s pretty tasty, so I give all this mixed marketing a pass if only for the sick ass holofoil-Charizard labels.

Every bottle is like that third card uncommon.  Target beer does not untap during your cellar upkeep phase.

Some days you just wanna put your Lane Bryant sweatpants on and watch a Gracepoint marathon.  OH NO I MISSED THE NEW BLACKLIST

Some days you just wanna put your Lane Bryant sweatpants on and watch a Gracepoint marathon. OH NO I MISSED THE NEW BLACKLIST

Penrose, Chicago, Desirous

White belgian IPA midwest style 6.2%

A:  This comes out the gates looking like a tasty saison, clear wheat grist to the bill got my vas deferens all torrified with that turbid quality. I swear that glass is clean, basic tickers who buy glassware at Dave n Busters just roll that hard I suppose.  The carb is lively but takes a moment to get all pumped up, like those HGH gelcaps, mad swole, cutty striations.

S: The nose on this beer might be the best part because god damnit it is phenomenal.  You get a blast of clovey belgian esters akin to Dorothy or De Ranke XX and lingers with a touch of sweetness like cadied orange peel.  There is a nice resinous orange and tangerine aspect that opens up on the backend bringing it all together.

If you read DDB, the beer in your fridge should be the least of your personality defects

If you read DDB, the beer in your fridge should be the least of your personality defects

T:  Man, if this were essentially a hoppy saison I would be in hog heaven, instead the taste follows more akin to a hoppier Allagash White meets White Rascal, which isnt necessarily bad but the aspirations and aims at them platinum plaques fall just short.  There is a bready expansive aspect to this that lends a creamy mouthfeel and closes with a type of sticky orange and coriander.

M:  This is expansive and has a nice silky carb that coats and is drying at the same time in a sort of chamomile and early grey with citrus peel infusion.  Again, if this went all drying ala saison or more substantial ala hoppy tripel it would be awesome, it kinda falls in this middle penumbra where you aren’t sure if you can fap to it.  Not extreme enough to be deviant not standard enough to bring you to a succinct completion.

Your friends in undergrad will jock this beer so hard lakeside, complex craft and approachable.  WHATS UR MAJOR BRO COME LIFTING

Your friends in undergrad will jock this beer so hard lakeside, complex craft and approachable. WHATS UR MAJOR BRO COME LIFTING

D:  This is highly drinkable and will hit the spot in warmer weather, but in the realm of belgian wits more people will want either a more aggressive brett L profile or an outright substantial aspect to it.  This is something from the days of the late 2000’s that will kill it at the BJCP level, but the type of DDb consumer might find this to be a serviceable and highly crushable afterthought in a realm that isn’t exactly competitive in the current marketplace.  It is like if someone brewed the worlds sickest ZWICKLEBIER: it is good that it is available, but the style itself doesnt get them hyper attenuated.

This is essentially what I imagine whenever there is a brewery only release in the midwest. PTO hours get cashed in so hard. Luckily this is a solid banger that you can crush without grinding your bedpost

This is essentially what I imagine whenever there is a brewery only release in the midwest. PTO hours get cashed in so hard. Luckily this is a solid banger that you can crush without grinding your bedpost