Goose Island Rare Bottles are about to be the Subprime Mortgage Crisis of the Beer World

Rare holders right now be like-

sell

If you have had the misfortune to stumble into beer trade forums recently there is a staunchly divided contingency of beer nerds, beset in two camps.  The first consists of the dudes who went to Rare Day and are attempting to loot any and all dinnerware from the sinking Titanic before tens of thousands of bottles hit nationwide distro.  You will be able to spot these dudes a mile away because they will argue things like “well trade value is based on QUALITY AND TASTE” or “even if 60,000 bottles are released, uh, well that’s like, you can’t really say that’s all that many…really…because uhm…demand…” These dudes are riding the crest of a profiteering wave attempting to land Blauw and Armand Seasons before shit crashes in a salty barrel. Take a shot once they reference the quality of the entirely unrelated bottles of 2010 Rare, you’ll be wasted quick enough.

The equally ridiculous demographic on the opposing side consists of pangloss guys who assume that these $60 bottles will show up in their local Walgreens, gathering dust for years to come.  These are the guys who have ever expanding speculative quotes about how many bottles are going to be released.  It should be well in the six figures by the time DDB posts this. You can spot them a mile away offering like HUNA+ or some Trickery-tier ticks, fully prepared for some Sharks vs. Jets scrap.

The best part about all of these RareCiceroNies is that the vast majority of them can’t identify why the barrel treatment matters in any meaningful way.  Sure, explain to me why you prefer 35 year age stated bourbon.  Tell me all the various single cask three decade old bourbons that you have tried, I will wait.  When Pugachev 25 year came out, every one of them was still having sex with lukewarm melons and complaining about HEAT, but wait 35 year barrels? PASS THAT RARE.  I mean, sure, the bourbon was never released to retail but PUTTING BEER IN THOSE BARRELS MUST BE INCREDIBLE BECAUSE MOAR YEARS.

It is hard to know who to root for, since both have wildly skewed perceptions of value and will only degrade the beer culture by waiting in 8 hour lines for things they have no intention of opening.  It’s like when your alcoholic stepdad shows up to fight the racist school bully: can’t both of them just get knocked the fuck out concurrently? I can only hope for a Battle of the Marne result where both sides wear one another down to a nub and there is no winner by decision.

They would need to make significant advances in microspectronomy to detect the fucks I give about the actions of these rapacious hucksters at this point. If anyone needs me I will be opening a Saison Dupont and turning my rare box into a lacquered fleshlight.

 

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12 thoughts on “Goose Island Rare Bottles are about to be the Subprime Mortgage Crisis of the Beer World

  1. Where’s the Creature Comforts See the Stars review? That disappointing and overhyped that you can’t post a bad review since you #SoldOut for the free cans?

  2. Wow, someone took down a whole bottle of butt-hurt pills in one sitting. Relax, man. For someone who claims not to give ‘fucks’ sure comes across as giving a lot of them.

  3. LOL, people who care about others thumbing their noses to Rare and the bullshit surrounding it are acting like their family had been called knuckle dragging troglodytes.

    I have as many fucks to give about Rare about as many times as I’m banging Kim Kardashian herself. None. Who cares what another person’s view is. I happen to share this view. People acting like their Goldman Sachs when they’re really Lehman Brothers.

  4. LOL, people who care about others thumbing their noses to Rare and the bullshit surrounding it are acting like their family had been called knuckle dragging troglodytes.

    I have as many fucks to give about Rare about as many times as I’m banging Kim Kardashian herself. None. Who cares what another person’s view is. I happen to share this view. People acting like their Goldman Sachs when they’re really Lehman Brothers….

  5. Hahaha! Fun read. First time reading anything from DDB. Will definitely check out your future writings. Good times and Salud!

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