Thousands of Overweight Beer Hobbyists Resolve “NO BEER IN 2014” and Endure a Record-Breaking 4 Days of Sobriety

The New Year is a time for ambitious resolutions for some people: learning a new language, spending less money on clothes, or quitting smoking. For others, the New Year’s Resolution means not being a sloppy alcoholic diabetic for upwards of half a week.

“I know 2014 is going to be my year” Jacob Wilkerson declared while picking out all of the Sunchips from a bag of MunchEms. “It’s like, there’s more to life than just drinking beer, inputting it into my phone, talking about it, and then spending all my $230 a month of disposable income on it,” Wilkerson noted while losing his breath declaring the compound sentence, “its just like…I am better than…that.” Jacob is one of many basement-dwelling thirty somethings who has resolved to take on this ambitious challenge for the New Year. Last year, Wilkerson put up a staggering 4 solid days of sobriety under his resolution and was the talk of his local homebrew club, Paying Attenuation. “They couldn’t believe I skipped the Hopslam vertical tasting on January 1st, and when they saw how I was fitting in my Anchor Blue jeans, the guys knew it was serious,” Jacob stated succinctly after eating 3 Taco Bell stuffed Nacho’s followed by a 32oz Baja Blast, “it’s all about goals and keeping your progression in sight.”


One such hopeful, Michael Dimitrio, noted his successes the past year. “I made it all the way into mid-January without having any beer, well if you don’t count tasters, because that’s not like a whole beer. Tasters don’t count.” Dimitro noted and washed his Tired Hands screen print t-shirt in his grandmother’s kitchen sink. “It will be good for me, it’s not like my life revolves around beer. I have visitation rights of my kids every other weekend and an awesome job at a metal fabrication plant, people act like focusing on sugar water makes me some kind of loser,” Michael tacked up his Three Floyds hop harvest wall calendar and drew an “X” through January 1 while eating cold cookie dough. “I am definitely NOT a loser. If you dont know the difference between a Biere de Garde and a standard Farmhouse, maybe you are the fucking loser,” Dimitrio noted sagely.

While the three most prolific beer sites annually note a marked downturn in traffic from their 2200 most prolific/diabetic contributors, Okcupid and note a consistent uptick in new members every year during the first week. “Oh the ‘Beer Nerd Influx?’ ha, yeah we get that every year, like clockwork,” noted analyst, Daniel Thomasson, “it is a sudden influx of newly-sober, overweight men who have decided that they are ready to mingle with the opposite sex again. It’s a beautiful thing really.”

Indiana-resident, Daryl Abrahms has already set forth plans for his new sober lifestyle, “I am definitely working out like, every day. I played second string noseguard 12 years ago, so I figure after quitting beer I should be back in my highschool shape in a solid 3, maybe 4 weeks if I hit the low resistance cardio real hard,” Abrahms noted while drinking a glass boot full of 14% coffee stout. “Well I can’t just quit beer for 2014 and leave all my coffee stouts to fade, that would be fucking dumb,” Daryl opined while showing off the opulent IKEA racks in his leaky cellar lit by a single bulb. “I will probably carbo load with all my hoppy beers just before the New Year, to make sure they don’t fade,” Abrahams commented while nodding pensively at his fitness/drinking regiment chart. “It’s tough but I think the hardest part about giving up beer is going to bars and talking to women about it. Girls get real intimidated when they see how intellectually superior you are if you start explaining the difference between a pilsner and a kolsch,” Daryl quipped while pouring a liter of malt water into a glass mug, “some people can be so ignorant, you wouldn’t believe.”

For the craft beer industry itself, it is the hardest 13 days of the year when this group of overweight middle-aged men make a concerted effort to improve their lives. “There are absolutely no beer releases during early to mid January, it is a ghost town,” noted Terrapin Brewing cellarmaster, Rodney Weinstein, “its like the world stops for almost two weeks and no one wants to consume 800 empty calories on a daily basis. It’s the worst time of the year, really.” In addition to the craft beer market, replacement part orders for ellipticals consistently skyrocket as gyms attempt to keep pace with their husky new patrons.

The 2014 year is shaping up to be a promising year for craft beer enthusiasts and maladjusted gourmands alike.

2 thoughts on “Thousands of Overweight Beer Hobbyists Resolve “NO BEER IN 2014” and Endure a Record-Breaking 4 Days of Sobriety

  1. Pingback: New Year, New Resolution - Roundtable Discussion

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