Category Archives: coffee

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Re-up the flows

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Alright I have been slacking, I will pump out some hot new yeastbeats soon, in the interim peep out what I have been sippin on lately, don’t worry, unlike Judy Winslow in season 3 of Family Matters, I won’t abruptly disappear.

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Barrel aged partridge with the Louis Vuitton belt buckle when it is keeping all the heat strapped.

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Bourbon barrel hunaphu, for when you want that cinnamon ancho to rock some BALs.

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Hill Farmstead Norma, next level lactic maneuver.

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Stone QM Virgin Oak El Camino Unreal, No peppercorn stems no fig seeds no sticks. Put your BALs on the 78 freeway for an Unreal experience.

Enough beer porn, reviews will be back soon, cancel that Welbutrin prescription and flip that to some Valtrex instead because DDB is about to make it nasty.

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Cigar City, Either/Or Black Ale, EITHER This Beer is Awesome, OR Kierkegaard is Wrong.

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Cigar City either blindsides me with a gem, or you open something like Vuja De and don’t know what the fuck to make of it. This beer falls in the former category and my only complaint is the old amorphous “black ale” title that initially put me off to this. Let’s call this what it is: an awesome imperial stout er…maybe a triple imperial porter…fuck. I don’t know it is EITHER a stout OR this is a shitty pun.

Oh, ok. Either and Or are the same beer. Ba dum tish. Dichotomies about.

Cigar City, Either/Or,
Black Ale, 11.5% Abv

A: What a novel gimmick, two beers, the same beer. Sounds like an expensive bottle labeling maneuver. I was expecting some earth shattering Soren Kierkegaard business, but this wasn’t particularly mind blowing…AT FIRST. This has a kinda watery look to it of freshly pressed ink from a baby squid. Murky but shiny. Mild lacing and medium carbonation. It’s like a halfway home for abused porters and baby stouts.

You can enjoy huge black ales and get super dreeze, heck, enjoy nature, just don’t be a dbag when you take it to the 11% abv dangerzone.

S: There is a Huge hop profile, wood, oak, nice black licorice, and a toasted maltiness. It is like a low-cal version of Hunaphu’s. Low is relative, I GUESS. Actually it is more like a more svelte blacker Huna with some smoothe cocoa swagger.

T: This has a great chocolate/anise taste to it that it sweet but with a nice bitterness to it, without being medicinal. It’s like when you were a kid and had too many delicious Flintstones vitamins, only chocolate and tobacco flavored, and no diarrhea. Not yet at least. WE SHALL SEE.

Discover an amazing black ale, realize it is sold 3000 miles away. Shed manly tears.

M: This has a nice coating and mild stickiness to it that washes away but leaves a little something behind, like a crafty clingy first date that wants you to think about her again. YOUR TRICKS WONT WORK ON ME. Ok well I sought it out again so maybe those tricks worked, who knows? I would gladly go after this again.

D: This has a cool hybrid drink ability to it and is very delicious. Overall the complexity isn’t overwhelming but it makes it all the more appealing. Plus in the 12oz format you can come and go as you please, no need to be a deatbeat dad about your black ales, leaving them all around town. You can gently nurse them and pick up another at your leisure.

I don’t know, what the fuck, is going on.

Narrative: “And that’s how you fit 22 slavs in a phone booth!” Yurgis exclaimed with his own eastern European sort of aplomb. “Yes, er uh, thank you for that Yurgis, Mr. Chalmers, Yurgis is our exchange student and he sure does have an INTERESTING SENSE of humor, pass the peas please sweetie.” Walter succinctly stated to his supervisor. This family dinner would decide the fate of his career for the next half decade, if only his disheveled ukranian house guest would keep quiet. Mr. Chalmbers was the new CFO of Texodyne, a chemical manufacting plant whose operations were largely based out of Uzbekistan, apparently a locale that Yurgis had plenty to say about. “And when the streets run red with the blood of the nonbeliev-” “ok ok ok, thank you Yurgis.” It wasn’t that he was particularly bad or dark, he was actually kinda sweet in his own third world sort of way. Most people just had a tough time looking past his penetrating darkness. “Good and bye Mr. Chalm-bers, I want for to make love to your daughter in soon time, we will be good friends!” The family hung their heads at the prospect of another 5 years without a raise.

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Founder’s Breakfast Stout, In Michigan, You Can Drink Huge Stouts for Firstmeal. It Flies Over There.

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Better late than never. Sure you ingrates are accustomed to hearing about brutal beers at 9 a.m. on the reg, but I had to mix it up with some afternoon delight for you, or a nighttime sesh for you East Coast kids. Anyway, I have had this plenty of times and love it a little more on each passing. This photo sucks but I dont feel like going through tons of beer pics to lock down a pic of a glass with black ink in it, just cut me some slack sheesh.

You can try this at home, mix oatmeal, chocolate syrup, Buffalo Trace, and coffee into a smoothie. Sounds legit.

Founder’s Breakfast Stout 8.3% abv

A: This beer has a real gentle coating to it with minimal lacing. It seems to impart the message that, “hey fellas, I will be here for a lil bit, don’t mind me,“ and then resigns itself to a deep cedar blackness, waiting to be beckoned. The oats in the stout gives it a great stickiness and foamy character without excessive carbonation.

Beer for breakfast, just like being a kid again. Or a little bitch, either way.

S: The smell feels like a gentleman’s breakfast: initially you get some nice smoky notes from a bacon or charred grist like you are a yeoman farmer, then comes coffee with a great mild nature, it isn’t that jerk coffee from Surly, this is more understated. The coffee notes are like jokes on Arrested Development. Ultimately, the chocolate notes emerge and as your mouth forms a tight “o”, the Nickelodeon prophecy comes true: COFFEE, BACON, and CHOCOLATE FOR BREAKFAST.

T: except you are an adult and you, hopefully, don’t drink this as your breakfast shake. If you do, don’t let me judge, alas I digress. This has an amazing silky mouthfeel with ::coughsatincough::: chocolate notes upfront nice and nice coffee notes to round it out.

Some kids had Nintendo Cereal, others were fed imperial stouts. Ah, childhood.

M: There is a nice, albeit, mild sticky lacing with great coating and the oats give it this awesome maltiness that makes it a force to be trifled with. Get your trifle on, become trifling. But seriously, this aspect gives old KBS a serious run for his money if only for how pleasant it reclines and makes itself at home. The mouthfeel is like a Shins albums and a warm blanket wrapped around you. It is hella comfy.

D: Let’s just get right down to it. This beer has no abv present that I can detect. Well, lets clarify, it has an incredible warming heat that is just refreshing as the day is long: LET’S CALL TODAY THE VERNAL EQUINOX. Did I mess the season up? Moving o-

Start your day with this beer, see how many bothers you encounter. Post results.

Narrative: Those spelling bees weren’t gonna win themselves. Toshan Doshi knew this deep down. Somehow all those days on the road, the countless flashcards, the endless memorization of root words had taken a toll on his 11 year old, obviously Indian frame. Show after show, there he was, scoring some new obtuse study cards to drill into lines, take into his head and pass out fulfilled. He would wake up each morning feeling more empty than the last. Last night he went hard on some gladiolus and luxuriance and passed out shortly thereafter. But how long could he keep up with this hardcore lifestyle. His manager didn’t care for him, he just propped him up with more vocab lists every night. His publicist just wanted him to win win win. Ultimately old Toshan only had a single friend in this world, a teddy bear named- [deleted advanced 45 minutes] until he recovered his teddy [deleted, fast forward 34 minutes] until he realized he never needed the bear at all [deleted fast forward 14 minutes] and that’s how Toshan won the NATIONAL SPELLING BEE COMPLETELY ON HIS OWN.

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Southern Star Buried Hatchet Stout, People in Texas Like Guns, Stars, Stouts, and Hatchets.

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Wait what. I know what you are thinking “Texas is too fucking hot to be cranking out stouts, I’m looking at you Jester King.” But hold your horses, this beer comes in a can, so that means you can drill this shit next to the river with your Eliminator tied up after a day of game fishing. Imperial stouts are made for cans, how else are you going to shotgun that shit in the NASCAR parking lot? I am sure the Michigan kids are shaking their heads disdainfully at this enterprise, but let’s see if any fucks can be given to this bold star from the south.

I enjoyed this in between games of beer pong with Bruery’s Run BMC; trying to get the legit Texas vibe for this review.

Southern Star Brewing Company
Texas, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 8.25% ABV

A: deep brown notes with wateriness and tons of small bubbles no lacing. It seems a bit thinner than I was expecting a bit maltiness and coating. Beggars cannot concurrently exist as choosers, as the old children’s fable goes. I am looking in the rest of the can for the imperial, but if I learned anything from Central Waters or Czar Jack, you get get ninjafucked in the mouth by a sneaky stealth stout imparting a mild wateriness.

This reminds me of a certain imperial porter whose name I shall not bring up in mixed company.

S: It maintains a nice chocolate waft with some black licorice, some mild anise, and brown sugar closer. Pretty solid package for something that CAME FROM A CAN. But seriously, I enjoy the mildly watery aspect of this and it doesn’t go overboard on any single aspect, perfectly balanced like a Dan Brown novel.

T: There is a deep maltiness, that coats well with a ton of brown sugar stickiness. It dries a bit early and goes a little watery at the end. Candidly, this was a lot better than I expected. I was judgmental due to the can but it powered through like a solid bro. The chocochariot rolls up on a lightly malty steed and the masses cast garlands of cocoa nibs and coffee beans. However, the chariot is being driven by two dripping wet dudes in scuba gear.

Thin stout, from Texas, from a can. That stout cray.

M: The coating is pretty thin and didn’t support the ambitious profile that the taste profile presented. It reminds me of the time I turbo charged a 94 Ford Probe, it just couldn’t handle the power under the hood/can. As a side note, wow brown walnut and cocoa really makes it hard to nuke this beer altogether but still, the mouthfeel was a disappointment more akin to the porter realm.

D: Given the super thin character, I guess this can be more versatile but that’s akin to downgrading the size of an engine to improve MPG. It is very drinkable but it comes at a cost. Overall, a pretty legit experience, it feels like an Oasis concert. You aren’t mad that you went but it just feels like they phoned it in. I want an iced version of this beer, make it fucking happen Texas.

Despite its calm demeanor, this beer can probably still fuck you up pretty efficiently.

Narrative: Nabeel was the thinnest barista at the local Starbucks. His tiny hands precisely ground and pounded the beans efficiently. Still, his coworkers couldn’t help but notice his prominent cheek bones reflecting the halogen lights. They further couldn’t look away from his apron hanging slackly off of his concave chest. “Mocha Frap double shot no whip, upside down, zebra.” he called out and quickly spun to begin his next order. “Nabeel is like a tiny barista cyborg sent from the India of the past, which is known as our future to revolutionize the coffee serving enterprise as we know it.” one co-worker quipped in a manner oddly profound for a 17 year-old part time employee. What they didn’t know was that Nabeel held a stict vegan diet and supplemented his lifestyle with incredibly strong coffee, which only seemed to accent his thin nature. “BARISTANATOR!” the perfunctory co-worker added, to the uncaring 2 other employees who were far too busy stacking adjectives upon coffee drinks.

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Central Waters Brewing Company Satin Solstice Imperial Stout, Smoother than a KMART Print Ad

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So if you have been following my reviews, unlikely, you know that I have loved all previous outings with this brewery. The Bourbon Barrel stout and BB Barleywine were awesome, Peruvian Morning was legit, and I am confident that this gentle darkness will deliver. Let’s investigate riparian rights

At Bed Bath and Beyond, satin shit costs more, but it is always worth it.

Central Waters Brewing Company
Wisconsin, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 7.50% ABV

A: The pour on this beer looks like a deep cola color but with a really light sheeting and light brown clarity. There’s a certain wateriness to the pour that makes me doubt how legit the imperial aspect of this stout is. At 7.5% I further am stymied as to how big this empire is. Maybe it is like the Portuguese empire, small but a strong aquatic presence.

I mean just look at this beer. Look at it.

S: There is a mild dry cocoa and bakers chocolate aspect to it with wafts of some light coffee and mild acidity. There’s not a ton of complexity here but, like a Rob Schneider movie, you can appreciate the sweet delivery and gentle complexity. You don’t get a wateriness, but it seems like the smell is that hot mormon girl that you want to cajole into dancing, but the wall remains the only caress.

T: The taste is incredibly light and slick. The term watery is almost a pejorative for imperial stouts, but this seems intentional and well done as a result. It imparts a light coffee and and mild chocolate acidity, with a slight tobacco aspect. I want to say that the alcohol is well hidden, but it isn’t exactly rampaging in the first place. The mild and gentle aspect seems like a dad who is super chill and dims the lights when you bring home a girl and goes upstairs. Keeping it classy.

This beer is small, yet humbling, not my favorite of their lineup, but I love them anyway.

M: So this is just beating the bittersweet chocolate horse, but it clearly isn’t some malt monster and the coating isn’t like some Mobil 1 shit. The slick watery quality keeps it in the lightweights and I would say it is almost a venn diagram issue between the stout and imperial stout but the penumbra is pretty delicious. Go google penumbra, don’t worry, I’ll wait.

D: Well where the stout gets its jimmies rustled in the last section it comes out swinging in this section. Not since Czar Jack has a thin stout come out this drinkable and refreshing. No long will you have to hide indoors and ski lodges sipping stouts with dark shame, this one could see the light of day with some girls with platinum blonde hair with black underneath, at home in all circumstances. I would say this is still a strong recommendation and the price tag of $1.89 on the bottle leads me to believe that this is a sick deal, through and through.

I could see a few of these tearing up your house.

Narrative: No narrative today, too eslaypee.

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Uinta Labyrinth Black Ale, You Have To Fight a Minotaur at the End of The Bottle

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Alright so let’s lay this to rest, black ale? No. Imperial porter? No. This is an imperial stout aged in rye barrels. I swear if they wrote that on the front in font size 22 they would have sold 200% more units. Everyone who stumbles across this ends up loving it and always says the same shit “BLACK ALE? I NEVER KNEW IT WOULD BE THIS GOOD!” Brewery kudos, labeling gaff, but in the end if you make an amazing product, you could call is Manticor Jizz and I would still probably drop the $15.99, just to, you know what I mean-

Infantile beer pics for the win.

Uinta Brewing Company
Utah, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 13.20% ABV

A: shiny black with a dull pallour that reflects a slight viscosity above a super black stout such as Abyss etc. Nice coffee colored head with thick lacing. The light around the glass was sucked in and not even photons could escape the lacing. This stout is a straight up entropy vacuum.

S: Black licorice notes, whisky heat on the nose, burnt coffee and oak scents, with a final sweetness that I cannot place, something akin to “dark caramel” if such a thing existed. There’s a mild anise and some leathery aspects, but a manly ass spaghetti western chocolate leather. That kinda shit.

A gigantic dark ale aged in rye barrels, Utah just introduced some serious problems to the rest of the Union.

T: Fantastic complexity, tons of bittering on the front with tomahawk hops and very herbal notes that give it an anise black licorice taste, think a shot of fernet brancha that fades into a chocolate milkshake. The coffee maltiness rounds out the body of this beer. The front explosion on the sweet taste buds is so overwhelming because the beer itself is so bitter, labyrinthian in character, your tongue cant make heads or tails as to where to go. The carbonation is moderate so the heat and chocolate oiliness is left to linger, which might be bad if the finish weren’t so pleasant.

At first when I realized this was a big black ale, my jimmies were rustled, then they were unrustled when I realized how good it was.

M: the mouthfeel has great coating, not excessive maltiness or carbonation. In fact, I feel that it was slightly flat if anything, but given the complexity of the flavor this is not a fair sleight to such an ambitious beer. Tough to push past the 2 beer mark unless you are really a fan of stouts and darkness to your beers. Most palates could handle a 5oz taster and that would be sufficient I am sure. But very tastey nonetheless and highly recommended.

D: I dont remember liking this style that much, what with Unibroue’s Terrible and Death and Taxes not leaving lasting impressions, however, this is probably the best “black ale” that I have ever had, excepting Mortification, which is very tough to find. It will likely be clositered into a niche where you use it to impress your friends who dont like beer, or relegated to the back of the cellar until Autumn begins its defoliation. This beer is certainly not welcome while one is working on his Transam or wearing cutoff jean shorts by the lake. Both activities comprise a large amount of my general lifestyle so it will be a tough one to work in.

After about 700ml of this, shit gets real and you start to wonder how you are going to get anything done in the morning. Scary realizations abound.

Narrative: Fumbling with the, is this it, my lighter? Click click, the flint strikes but only reveals more blackness. The last thing that I remember was approaching the everglades at night when I tripped over some licorice vines and, now I can’t make heads or tails as to where I am. The moon itself is obfuscated into a murky pallour behind jet black clouds, projecting a pathetic reflection. CLICK, finally the lighter strikes and I can see that my predicament is more complicated than I remembered, just darkness in each direction, an enveloping shroud that slowly seeps one of any hope of escape. Several paces later, and I feel more weathered, yet it seems I remain in my same position, more fatigued, with a lightness of the mind and body. Is this the “cave sickness” that they spoke of when I visited the mercer caverns as a boy? No, no time for that now, I have two options, continue down this murky path, ever exhausting and relentless in darkness OR lay down and succumb to the blackness. The labyrith will wait patiently for the sun to come.

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Freestate Iron Man Imperial Stout, The Closest I Will Ever Come to Completing an Iron Man Competition, or being Tony Stark

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Who doesn’t like the idea of being Iron Man? Being all bad ass in a fictional weaponry suit, or being super good at swimming and exercising and shit. Sounds amazing. Well time to face a hard reality, I will never be able to do those things, and this beer sure isn’t helping matters. I can only assume that Kansas is full of bad ass iron men since they have to put up with depressing flat land scapes, pale women, and I am pretty sure tornado fighting is the official state sport. Let’s see how this imperial stout measures up to shoulder rockets and tattered bike taint.

Rain rain go away, that's what all my haters say, my stouts stay on overload, my ales never evaporate.

Free State Brewing Co.
Kansas, United States
Russian Imperial Stout | 8.40% ABV

So let’s take a minute and talk about how little that Free State is fucking around, namely, not at all. I first noticed this company when Old Backus started flooding the streets like bootleg movies and I wanted a taste of that malty ass. Long story short, Old Backus is amazing and worth seeking out, maybe even a trip to Kansas. So seeing this offering, my Stoutster sense was tingling. The appearance is like a glass of deep coca cola with moderate lacing and lil wispy carbonation. Tap 1 black mana and unleash this will o’ the wisp. There’s a bit of black licorice going on in the nose and an herbal aspect.

This is for those bleak Kansas winters, with a long stretch to suffer through with no college basketball.

The taste isn’t exactly what I seek out from an imperial stout and instead comes across almost like a black IPA. There’s a huge herbal bouquet that is original, just not what I am into. Some people are super into Godspeed! You Black Emperor, but I just don’t get it. This may be crowd pleaser to some people, but I read Highlights and watch Shahs of Sunset, I am too fucking pedestrian for these efforts. It’s like when they enacted the Concordat of Worms and the Holy Roman Empire was flossing so hard, but the Divinity wasn’t on board. Well, I guess the larger part of Prussia is hops and, fuck, this analogy fell apart real quick. There’s a mild chocolate, but the minty herbal hops are like a funky Girltalk mash up.

an IMPERIAL STOUT made by the same people who made OLD BACKUS. Some hard shit is about to go down...right?

The brewery notes flex so hard, “Our Imperial Stout brewed to an Original gravity of 19.5 °P using 10 different types of malt, which combined, weigh 1,465 lbs. That works out to 3.4 lbs per gallon of finished beer or almost 4/10ths of a pound in every glass. The dark malts give a roasty flavor and dark color, caramel malts add sweetness and a full body. Three different hop varieties also add their own complexity (and about 78 IBUs). The bittering hop is Magnum. The early aromatic hops are Northern Brewer. The later aromatic Centennial. The final hop addition is a dry hop with a generous dose of Mt. Hood hops for a fine aroma The Ironman is named for one of our favorite regular customers, Walt Hull, who is a local blacksmith. ”

But that is kinda like boning a chick while listening to your own single. Count how many times they mention hops above and think about how much you enjoy hop presence in stouts and you’ll be able to tell if this beer is for you. It is by no means bad, but with how amazing Old Backus was, I guess I just hoped that Kansas would ball as hard as their NCAA Basketball team. Ball so hard.

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Hess Brewing Brunus Induresco Coffee Porter, Eh Tu Brunus?

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I love seeking out nano’s and seeing what they are up to. Unlike girls at the gym with nanos, nanobreweries are downright approachable and can usually get up in the mix with stuff that bigger boys may not want to attempt. I don’t know if there is a smaller adjective but Funky Buddha fits this bill pretty well. When people started kicking up dust about this lil upstart, Eric generously hooked this up for me so I could get in on the SD reindeer games. Let’s see what is going down with Hess in today’s review.

It's a coffee drink for people who don't have shit to accomplish in the morning.

Hess Brewing Company
California, United States
American Porter | ABV 7.5(?)

One of the badass things about nano’s is that price is usually not a limiting factor since they are going to be making small runs with weird ingredients so you can try shit like a Durian Gose or an Ectocooler Saison, wait I think I already tried that last month, anyway, shit is cray. This is no exception, this porter has freshly roasted coffee beans from the coffee and tea collective and the nano notes are certainly there.

A: The pour is classic porter, nice Dr. Pepper looking wateriness with mild coating and a light sheeting that billows up a non-offensive amount of carbonation. The lacing is clumpy like 9’s in a club, you know what I mean. The result is lil spotty archipelagoes that cling to the glass like if Casper got hit with a proton pack. Don’t cross the streams with this porter.

At first I wondered if this would be mainstream and disappointing, but then it delivered some memorable moments. Pic related.

S: Easily my favorite part of this beer is the smell. It gets straight up Peruvian with some nice malty roast and an acidic coffee integration like light roasts that still have balls. The beans and dry roastiness trump the chocolate or sticky malt aspects, and for the porter base, I am liking what is going down. This has more coffee to the nose than even those other coffee heavy hitters like Peche Mortel of Founder’s Breakfast Stout, albeit with less complexity. The coffee hits like the Tyrant in Resident Evil with a huge left hook and little more than an aggro charge attack. However, I think it is better as a result.

T: The taste is acidic coffee and deep roasty malts through and through. It isn’t exactly on the smokey zone like some stouts that push the office jokes too far, but the coffee keeps it in line with clean Latter Day Saints coffee humor. The dryness works well with the light watery character and gives the whole beer this sort of morning beverage aspect that isn’t exactly filling but it knocks you down strictly due to the bitterness of the deep arabica character. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I would assert the use of high alpha acid hops like Tomahawk but it isn’t exactly like that, no Native Americans were implicated in the creation of this stout.

Some people complain that I need to take more beer porn pics of me pouring the beer at super high res so you can see the hair follicles in the malt and shit, go to a Spiderman thread, this is beer.

M: The mouthfeel is crisp and dry. There was not a barrel involved here but the roast can trick you into thinking maybe some kids were painstaking working as coopers for Hess, and while I am not an advocate of child labor, if that is the case, so be it if coffee flavor is the price. Anyway, so there’s a nice crisp dryness but not a huge malty body to support it, so you get the porter analog of a west coast IPA, with different palate profiles. I am on board for that shit like crunchwrap supremes at 2:45 a.m.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and I merked an entire 1 liter growler with the utmost urgency. This isn’t my favorite porter of all time but it does put an interesting spin on those non-BA non-imperial porters like Edmund Fitzgerald that hold a special place in my heart. If you like those but want more coffee on bean sex, this will get your oils all grinding. I would go ahead and assume that this is only as exceptional as noted when sampled extremely fresh, it also helps to sample 32oz at a time for maximum boost gauge omnislash potential.

You wouldn't steal a coffee, you wouldn't download a girlfriend, don't rob nanobreweries by accepting subpar replicas. FEELINGS.

Narrative: Carl Glauber kicked the obsidian sand in front of him and exhaled deeply. He was resigned to his fate, an untimely death on a deserted volcanic island with nothing but the sweet succor of hundreds of pounds of fresh coffee beans to abate his pain. The sweet irony of dying a slow death in the south pacific with only coffee beans to live on was, he was awake for every moment of it. “Go follow the Kopi Lowak coffee beans” they said “it’s the modern day gold rush, with coffee beans!” they said. Now he was here jittering harder than an asian biochem student wondering where it all went wrong. Maybe it was the jumping in the single prop plane, maybe it was the sacks and sacks of decadent coffee, maybe- ah, who we Carl to speculate as he stared out upon the deep, black, obsidian fragments. His hands shook violently from a coffee induced dehydrated rage as he tried to insert a piece of paper inside of an empty Frappucino bottle with a plea for mercy. The bottle floated against the stern of a nearby Seattle’s Best barge and a crewmate ambled up the ropes with the message in hand. “SIR! There is a Kopi Lowak poacher writing in barely legible handwriting begging mercy for his coffee transgressions!” The captain of the Seattle’s Best barge lowered his brown solemnly, “if he chose to exist outside the coffee parameters of gas stations and dorm rooms, he deserves whatever fate the java gods have served him.” Authorities would later express amazement when Carl fashioned a helicopter entirely out of coffee beans and byproducts, only to escape weeks later and learn that he had the coffee all along. He is currently shopping his story to William Morris Endeavor for movie rights.

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BONUS REVIEW: New Glarus Smoke on the Porter, the beer is much harder to make than the guitar riff is to play.

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I love New Glarus and I don’t care who knows it. We all know my civil objection to Red and Tart, but quite literally every other beer is amazing without qualifier.

Now we come to this crossroad. I hate smoked beers, I dislike smoke, and even a flint and dry kindling makes me nervous. So here we go, don’t let me down Wisconsin.

So sticky, so rauchey.

Unplugged Smoke on the Porter
New Glarus Brewing Company
Wisconsin, United States
American Porter | 6.10% ABV

Let me start by saying that every. single. beer. In this unplugged series has been amazing. Seriously. I will also qualify that with the fact that this beer IS AMAZING, but I absolutely did not enjoy it. How is this possible? Well, did you ever see Tree of Life, and you know something incredible is going on but you just refuse to embrace the artistry and amazing deliberate moves set forth. Enough sophistry, is it good? Yes, but not to me. This is not to say that people are “wrong” if they enjoy this. I just cannot stand smoke in my beers unless it they buttress the balustrade with some elaborate railings. So the base beer is amazing, if you can breathe through the smoke and inhale into blankets like that movie The Negotiator, you’ll survive.

I guess I just don’t like my amazing porter tasting like beer jerky [sic] anymore than I would cure a delicious cut of meat with a porter. “I WOULD!” the masses resoundingly announce. Well, intersubjectivity rules again. Some people dress in Furry suits and dome one another up, I am not saying it is wrong, my intercourse is just less elaborate.

The Verdict: This is a great base beer, amazing taste, very drinkable, clean, on to style, great chocolate and slight mocha wash, if you can somehow ignore the HUGE smoke presence, another win for New Glarus.

There are some bad ass elements going on in this beer, but you aren't sure if they should be combined.

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Goose Island Bourbon County Brand Stout Coffee, The Perfect Morning Beverage for a Taxidermist

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Taxidermists do not fuck around. I have cable, so I know things now. This beer is lodged so tightly in the top 100 that it would take King Arthur and pneumatic jaws to pull this bitch free.

So take the already amazing Bourbon County Stout, then add (arguably, settle down Kopi Lowak) the best coffee in the entire world, Intelligentsia, and what do you get?

Today's review sponsored by Turkey Island Brewing Company.

Goose Island Beer Co.
Illinois, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 14.00% ABV

Yes I know, the midwest is drilling my cellar like a freelance spelunker, but first you get complaints about too much Vermont, now too much CHICAGOLAND, next week, I am only reviewing beers from North Dakota.

Both of them.

(If anyone seriously has any beer from ND, contact me, that will get cashed harder than a meth addict’s government benefits check on the 15th.)

A: The bottle pours a slick deep black with a light khaki head, The lacing is light but the liquid grips and obfuscates the sides of the glass. No light penetrates this darkness, not even at the edges. Just like those early dates, not even at the edges. Feelup jokes, we are doing them now.

After a bottle of this, I have no idea what is going on, but I sure have the energy to investigate it.

S: It smells like a pot of amazing espresso, oakiness, but coffee through and through, you can smell it 18 inches away during the pour. This is a lively coffee house where all the hipsters with glasses are tossing out HJ’s with capricious alacrity. Besides overwhelming amazing coffee, there are notes of dates, currants, licorice, and dark chocolate. There is an earthy oak to it too that makes this 22oz bottle pack a haymaker. Which is by no means a sleight to hay makers, you maintain an important profession and I doff my alfalfa webbed cap to you. Amish.

T: The taste is, get this, COFFEE. Yeah, no hiding the ball there this isn’t the 1919 WORLD SERIES here. It seriously is coffee, then espresso, then french press, then, wait…oh machiatto. Finally, chocolate notes make a big impression. There is very little hoppy dryness, just a full, welcoming sweetness that is followed by mellowed by a big coffee body that has a slight heat that would benefit from some aging, but that is the case with most people obsessed with chocolate. Or wait, the opposite, people who eat to much chocolate need to get a time machine and, ah fuck it.

Ultimately, no matter how weird you feel drinking this by 14% bomber by yourself, just think of how many other weird assholes that there are out there.

M: This doesn’t have a huge Abyssesque body to it. I don’t chew on the malts for hours and ruminate on it. Given the impressive ABV, it gets in, imparts a huge flavor and the finish is pretty standard. I am sure you would be able to smell this a mile away, but the taste doesn’t linger too long, which is a good aspect since the initial taste is where it is at with this beer. It’s tough to underscore how dangerous this beer is. Uninstall all your iphone apps before drinking this shit, oh whats that? Just bought Too $hort’s full discography on ebay? Too bad.

D: As far as imperial stouts go, this is excellent. For something this huge with a staggering presence, I think I could actually go beyond the 22oz and request a magnum to myself. The weather will likely be the deciding factor for this beer as most situations outside will not be equal opportunity employers for stouts in general but the sweetness and light finish to this stout puts it in a nice position to argue its case for outdoor activities. Michelob Ultra nervously eyes its Canondale bicycle. This is meant for mornings. This is meant for those morning that you want to forget and those days you want to truly become aware of around 4:30 p.m. Go drink 14% beers in the morning, see how the rest of your day goes.

Don't like being sober at all? Love staying up really late? I have just the drink for you, and it isn't vintage 4Loko.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Some astute readers will note “WHAT THE FUCK, this is all recycled SHIT FROM THE BCBS REVIEW” the economy is tight, can’t be wasting characters on duplicative reviews. You get what you pay for, speaking of which, a recycled narrative with the word “COFFEE” laced in it:

Narrative: “TELL US WHERE YOU HID THE COFFEE!” Sargeant Myers slammed his fist down on the cast aluminum table shaking Raven Moonclaw’s glass of COFFEE. “The body, my dear sargeant, is a part of what Aristoteleans call ‘the Aether’ and as a skilled ilusionist, I can never reveal my COFFEE.” He produced from thin air a Capri slim and ignited it spontaneously, despite being searched top to COFFEE upon booking. “You see my dear corporal, the line between menace and altruist is murkily coffee” with a swift slight of hand he transformed his Capri cigarette into an ebony cup of coffee. “WHAT THE-” Sargeant Myers staggered back wiping his brow. “The problem with ethics and illusionists is the code of secrecy, for how can an objective ethical code exists without parameters of repentance or accountability my good barista?” The handcuffs clicked and shattered into coffee candies onto the floor. “I myself do not detest the wicked, but merely embrace the sweet for the fleeting moments I am-” a black clod of smoke appeared and the final resonating words filled the interrogation room: “COFFEE.”