2010 Portsmouth Kate the Great, Katherine Sure Was Great, Until She Went All Small On Us.

Ah the venerable Katherine the Great, I know her intimately as Kate, but the rest of you who don’t know her closely likely press your face up against the ebay glass and hold the silken glove of oppressive royalty in reverence. I can open this review with a quote from economist/philosopher, Dan Olson, “That shit didn’t even go into a barrel” is the purest sentiment that is usually cast upon this decadent gem. However, before we depose this matriarch, let’s see if she can swim with the big baltic whales in today’s review.

You may notice that this bottle is twice the size of the bottles that you are accustomed to. It also may come to your attention that the label doesn’t look like a Thomas Nast outtake. That’s fine, stay with me and go Google Thomas Nast like you were about to.

Portsmouth Brewery
New Hampshire, United States
Russian Imperial Stout | 12.00% ABV

Today we class it up with a representative allegory, oh shit, street knowledge takes a back seat ONE MO GIN’

A: This stately old woman is a firecracker but maintains her slim figure and delicately splashes into the glass like a size 4 woman into a wading pool. There’s a gentle mocha whip to the poise and sticky lacing that clings to the glass like those texts you wish you could avoid from Jdate. The color is light cola at the edges and lets you know that this playful minx isn’t here to ruin your night, but to get it started. You are expecting more of a boisterous presentation, but the subtle glove of a caring Katherine is only one of her nuanced gentle charms.

Kate’s court was severe but loving at the same time, and you are edified as a result.

S: There is a sweetness that rivals bayou Sundays after church. Mammy brought home some milk chocolate and bottles of Portugese wine. Those porties are famous for their wines and Russians sure know how to cultivate cacao in their icy hateful tundra. The court begins a delightful scherzo and lovely Kate guides you amiably and you can feel the coffee mantua bounce with surprising acidity as you look across the deep plum overtones from the walls ordained with imported Rococo crown molding that buttressed the vaulted deep fruit ceiling with ornate care.

T: The dance picks up with a chocolate Bourrée or wait, is that a port wine gavotte? The steps are so thin and quick that it is difficult to discern where Katherine is leading you. Countess and courtesan has fallen beneath her tender anise toe steps but she will pick you up, despite the power in her 12% offset steps. A mahogany deep fruit rag wipes the drops of sweat from your ascot and the Court looks on lovingly as Kate performs her signature molasses menuet that exercises grace and poise, the likes of which make the boorish Count Van De Stone IRS look clumsy by contrast. It was a once in a lifetime tryst that lasted scarcely the frame of a Handel opera.

The short stays that are endured with Kate are enjoyable and opulent in the fashion of the finest repose.

M: Katherine leads you deftly out to the outside terrace and the grace of her chiffon mahogany dress peels lightly from your lips and, despite your unworthiness, you retract knowing another touch of pinot grigio and chocolate vapors will come shortly. She is a cruel mistress of terse demeanor, but you can only seem an aggressive Ivan, terrible by juxtaposition in light of her diaphanous dress and light airy nature. It takes little equipage to prepare such a rare specimen of beauty, the dressing would only weigh down such a figure of balance, coffee and port, chocolate and roast, the newly discovered Americas coupled with a deep baltic tradition. In a strange manner, she reminds you of a strong female porter you met on a Scandinavian whale hunting journey in how capriciously she could handle both the blade and warming blanket in a loving fashion.

D: The night had passed in a way beyond comprehension and you found yourself wishing for just a single measure of additional contact. Alas, the 22 beats are gone, the band has retired to a gentle repose on the balustrade and you have returned to a lowly barrister class. You seek another court, another tryst, but to your chagrin the sweet succor of this caliber should only be enjoyed in short bursts. Little would you know that a smattering of inferior short dances would follow this, with a series of imposters all claiming the be Kate’s equal. Nothing will rival that coffee and port soaked evening in the greenery.

Despite the gentle scherzo, the 3/4 step was completed all too soon.

Narrative: If you seriously expect me to write a narrative after all that, you are an asshole.


Central Waters Brewing Company Satin Solstice Imperial Stout, Smoother than a KMART Print Ad

So if you have been following my reviews, unlikely, you know that I have loved all previous outings with this brewery. The Bourbon Barrel stout and BB Barleywine were awesome, Peruvian Morning was legit, and I am confident that this gentle darkness will deliver. Let’s investigate riparian rights

At Bed Bath and Beyond, satin shit costs more, but it is always worth it.

Central Waters Brewing Company
Wisconsin, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 7.50% ABV

A: The pour on this beer looks like a deep cola color but with a really light sheeting and light brown clarity. There’s a certain wateriness to the pour that makes me doubt how legit the imperial aspect of this stout is. At 7.5% I further am stymied as to how big this empire is. Maybe it is like the Portuguese empire, small but a strong aquatic presence.

I mean just look at this beer. Look at it.

S: There is a mild dry cocoa and bakers chocolate aspect to it with wafts of some light coffee and mild acidity. There’s not a ton of complexity here but, like a Rob Schneider movie, you can appreciate the sweet delivery and gentle complexity. You don’t get a wateriness, but it seems like the smell is that hot mormon girl that you want to cajole into dancing, but the wall remains the only caress.

T: The taste is incredibly light and slick. The term watery is almost a pejorative for imperial stouts, but this seems intentional and well done as a result. It imparts a light coffee and and mild chocolate acidity, with a slight tobacco aspect. I want to say that the alcohol is well hidden, but it isn’t exactly rampaging in the first place. The mild and gentle aspect seems like a dad who is super chill and dims the lights when you bring home a girl and goes upstairs. Keeping it classy.

This beer is small, yet humbling, not my favorite of their lineup, but I love them anyway.

M: So this is just beating the bittersweet chocolate horse, but it clearly isn’t some malt monster and the coating isn’t like some Mobil 1 shit. The slick watery quality keeps it in the lightweights and I would say it is almost a venn diagram issue between the stout and imperial stout but the penumbra is pretty delicious. Go google penumbra, don’t worry, I’ll wait.

D: Well where the stout gets its jimmies rustled in the last section it comes out swinging in this section. Not since Czar Jack has a thin stout come out this drinkable and refreshing. No long will you have to hide indoors and ski lodges sipping stouts with dark shame, this one could see the light of day with some girls with platinum blonde hair with black underneath, at home in all circumstances. I would say this is still a strong recommendation and the price tag of $1.89 on the bottle leads me to believe that this is a sick deal, through and through.

I could see a few of these tearing up your house.

Narrative: No narrative today, too eslaypee.