2

BONUS VEDEO CONTENT: Malort blended In and Out Double Doubler Nuthuluus

Some cicerones complained that ddb did not actually blend it, or did not taste it. SO this is the blu-ray criterion edition directors cut with behind the scenes coovie blending for posterity tones.

It was disgusting and tasted like malort, cigar butts, and oily lipid cheese notes. One of the worst blends to date.

0

@Darkhorsebrewco Rum Barrel 4 Elf, a glade plug-in/dryer sheet disaster of a winter warmer

Oh winter warmers, what are we supposed to do with you? At any other time of the year we would just call you an old ale or a barleywine and be on our way. But every fourth quarter breweries toss fucking cardamom and allspice into perfectly respectable beers and spice things up like how Hollywood was adding gay characters into every movie in the 90s. Sometimes spice adds a layer of complexity to a hefty malt profile, more often it tastes like a bakery disaster with nutmeg secreting out your nips balefully. This is the latter. Let’s see how Dark Horse spent all that TV money in today’s review:

The vinyl is inversely amazing when contrasted to the quality of this beer,  And we all know Dre Day is a classic.

The vinyl is inversely amazing when contrasted to the quality of this beer, And we all know Dre Day is a classic.

Winter Warmer, Michigan,
Dark Horse Brewing, who knows the abv? You’ll see its not relevant.

A: This is a murky brown with a turbid center like lake water, frothy carb that looks lively but is secretly just runoff from Beijing factories. In the same vein as that CAPRICHO OBSCURA disaster from Cigar City, this just looks messy, but looks are sometimes deceiving.

this bae gets out of control pretty quickly

this bae gets out of control pretty quickly

S: Smells are not often deceiving and this is a Yankee Candle nightmare. You get some sort of cinnamon meets cardamom, a sickening sweetness like egg nog sublimates into an almost floral aspect that clashes with everything else. I can’t make heads or tails as to what they were going for here: is this a malty big beer with rum underpinnings? It definitely is not that. Is this supposed to be a spice driven holiday extravaganza? It feels more like someone dropped an IKEA spice cabinet into the brite tank. Maybe its a sweet winter treat? well it isn’t really that considering the whole thing has this laundry detergent overtone to it. I don’t know who this is for, people who have a disassociative disorder with their mouths and want to render punishment perhaps. Some people said the rum barrel mellowed out the spice of the base beer, but that’s like how napalm mellows out fire by keeping it in a single area to devastate for a longer period.

Just because something is strange doesn't mean you want it anywhere near your mouth

Just because something is strange doesn’t mean you want it anywhere near your mouth

T: This just continues the punitive aspects of the spice and adds a sickening layer of sweetness like when someone brings you shitty candy from abroad. It is never tuned to your palate and seems grossly saccharine or has like fucking salt or licorice in it. This is all that, except wait, who is getting out of this nightmarish taste Uber? Oh it is fucking clove, here comes this asshole. You know, like those times we have all smoked a black and mild and then craved some skittles, we’ve all been there. Blegh.

M: This is thin and doesn’t linger thank god, it ruins your evening in a perfunctory manner and then does a heel turn and leaves. So I guess I am thankful for that. It doesn’t like fuck your sister and then ask for a ride home, it knows when it is not wanted and is respectful enough to be over quickly. Thanks for that, Dark Horse.

Winter Warmer fanboys repping the block hard piru set

Winter Warmer fanboys repping the block hard piru set

D: If this were any less drinkable it would be a solid object. If barleywine were a super hero movie, this winter warmer would be the guy who gets pushed into a tub of toxic waste and jasmine to create the ultimate beverage villain. I cant not recommend this enough because, it isn’t even infected, they made this on purpose. It was like how the director of Birdemic was like “yup, this looks good, better offer this to people, you know, in exchange for money.” This is a total pile of wet Michigan garbage that has an entire can of FRESH LINEN Febreeze dusted over it. In other words, extra this to Florida traders, they will drink anything as long as it has been in a barrel.

1

Ten Reasons Why October Is the Absolute Shittiest Beer Month for People Who Love Beer

Every year, when autumn sets in and those leaves turn from green to whatever color leaves change where you live, every dipshit on the block decides to be interested in beer for a single month. Without fail, this month is October, every single year. For the uninitiated, October is a whimsical time of exploration, pumpkin spice and grocery store beers they can’t wait to tell everyone about. For the rest of the beer world, October is like pushing a glass rod into your dickhole and smashing it with a pumpkin. Today DDB will attempt to explain just why October is the absolute worst for people who are into beer year-round.

1) Fucking Octoberfest. Always Octoberfest.
You will start seeing Marzens, graters, fucking Roggenbiers and all other kinds of obscure German afterbirth hitting the shelves as early as August. This can mean only one thing, every asshole you are mildly associated with will be asking you to drink lukewarm lagers out of a 1 liter mug at some dumbfuck venue. Most beer nerds spend the better part of their year avoiding these styles altogether, but to everyone else YOU ARE THEIR BEER FRIEND THIS IS YOUR CHRISTMAS, RIGHT? Sure, there is a place for a clean refreshing German bier every once and again, but enjoying one with a bunch of assholes from accounting who want to ask you a hundred questions about the Reinheitsgebot over an oversized pretzel is never enjoyable.

HEY YOU LIKE BEER SURELY YOULL ENJOY HANGING OUT WITH DRUNK ASSHOLES DRINKING BEER YOU HATE RIGHT?

HEY YOU LIKE BEER SURELY YOULL ENJOY HANGING OUT WITH DRUNK ASSHOLES DRINKING BEER YOU HATE RIGHT?

2) Pumpkin Infused Everything.
For the average Whole Foods baller, the changing of the seasons activates an irritating need in their DNA to consume pumpkin everything: pies, lattes, KY lube- FOR THE LOVE OF GOURD. Without fail, the average beer nerd will get swept up in this bullshit. Your stepdad will buy you some awful pumpkin English Brown or someone will ask you incessant questions about the various pumpkin beers that they JUST HAD TO TRY WHILE THEY WHIP UP SOME MACAROONS. Beer nerds hate these beers and the spike of BeerAdvocate users and forum activity centered around pumpkin beers shows the critical mass of dipshits that flock to these on an annual basis. No thanks, Jeff.

3) Lifestyle Magazines Decide They Are Experts on Beer
During the month of October, every asshole with a subscription to Food and Wine decides that they need to dust off all their extraneous kitchen gear and whip up some awful shit to bring to holiday parties and family functions. October is the coronation of this shit-crowning and publications that previously were telling you which messenger bag is the snappiest now decide to report on BREAKING NEWS LIKE THE FOUR DIFFERENT TYPES OF SOUR ALES. It wouldn’t really matter if they just spread myopic dumbass information, but instead like FoodBabe herpes, people itch these and spread them to beer lovers and we have to suffer through these jizzgargling articles and grin and be like “oh, thanks Aunt Grace, I will look into these, yeah.” The worst is when do zero fucking research and then put together pairing guides with extremely rare beers that your friends will ask you about and then you look like a massive prick explaining how to obtain that beer, “oh the article told you to pair your pecan pastry with Kaggen Stormskatporter? Oh ok, well here let me explain why you will never fucking do that-”

FOR

FUCKS

SAKE

BEER FESTZ FUK YAAAA who carez wut we drinkn ITS FUKN BEEER!!!1!!LOLOL

BEER FESTZ FUK YAAAA who carez wut we drinkn ITS FUKN BEEER!!!1!!LOLOL

4) Colder Weather Makes Beta Casuals Adventurous in their Beer Selections
Usually a basement dwelling beer nerd can live in gentle repose, conforted by the sweet succor of barrel aged old ales or nuanced saisons. The above-ground population drinks adjunct lagers and witbiers and the world operates in seamless harmony. In October temperatures drop and all those Coachella assholes decide to be adventurous in the CVS and buy something that doesn’t look like a cup of clean piss you give to your parolee buddy. This would be great if these people treated this decision like any other consumer purchase instead of making it your problem the next day. Be prepared to hear all about this brand new STYLE OF BEER CALLED A PORTERS BECAUSE IT WAS MADE IN A PORT, IN PORTUGAL. Oh no problem, a 5 minute review of Young’s Banana Bread Beer? Tell me all about your palate adventures. Invariably, these assholes will need to drop weight around Valentines Day for that big one night stand they have been planning, and they forget all about beer. It’s the stretch-marked beer nerds who have to suffer through these stories day in and day out. If I just discovered football and decided to recount all of the FIRST DOWNS that I witnessed over the weekend, people would be like “this guy is a huge prick, keep it to yourself.” That’s how it feels to be asked a relentless series of questions about Blue Moon and why is LA FIN DU MONDE just so much better like seriously, its so good, have you had it? Oh you have well let me tell you WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT, please dont interrupt me-

Bro, we like beer but dont get all weird about it, hey have you tried WIDMER OR THIS HEMP ALE SO FUKN RAD

Bro, we like beer but dont get all weird about it, hey have you tried WIDMER OR THIS HEMP ALE SO FUKN RAD

5) Outdoor Beer Festivals
I can already see the backlash to this one, “WAIT DDB WHAT’S WRONG WITH ENJOYING FALL OUTSIDE AND TRYING SOME NEW BEERS! I AM NOT EVEN CIRCUMSIZED!” To which I will remind the average beer consumer that these festivals are a fucking nightmare for your “BEER FRIEND.” You remember how all year that portly guy in the last cubicle has been going to bottleshares, events, releases, and standing in industrial parking lots on weekends for beer? That’s how much he hates beer festivals. You never wanted to go to those events, and a beer nerd wants to go to a Beerfest expoentially less. If you have a friend who is really into beer, the prospect of paying $60 to drink Asahi and Magic Hat outdoors with a bunch of redfaced undergrads is the worst idea ever. Couple that with UNLIMITED POURS of Honker ale, long lines to get a 5oz pour of beer they don’t want in the first place, and casual dipshits who usually dont get drunk and you have an unchecked Cougarfest on your hands. Toss in an 80’s band for maximum rage. As if the foregoing wasn’t enough, the average beer nerd gets nothing but expectant looks from the normal friends like “WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SHIPYARD SMASHED BLUEBERRY HAVE YOU EVER HAD IT BEFORE? IT IS MINDBLOWING RIGHT? Oh…well we liked it…here let me explain to you why it is good in this 25 minute portapotty line-”

Reasons 6 through 10 are the people curmudgeonly described in a variety of ways.  You get the jist.

I could go on and on but the assholes who need to read this have SearchSafe activated and won’t understand this anyway. Time to bunker down through the nutmeg and allspice disaster until after New Year’s Eve.

0

@voodoobrewery Tenacious Wee aged in Eagle Rare Barrels, This is not the greatest beer in the world; this is just a tribute

FILL THE CREVASSE.

FILL THE CREVASSE.

COULDN’T REMEMBER THE RECIPE TO THE GREATEST BEER IN THE WORLD: this is just a tribute.

But in all honesty this beer is pretty tasty, you don’t always have to fuck people’s palates hard sometimes you have to make some love and give tickers some smooches too. Whenever someone offers me a regular scotch ale I am usually like “hey if I wanted the taste of pennies, stale alcohol and blood, I will just go work at the recycling center.” Somehow, through the magic of oak and time, barrel aging scotch ales makes them actually drinkable. However, unlike barleywines or old ales, they don’t have that heft to their bodies so they run the risk of being over-oaked if you try to push the wood too deep, hitting that back wall.

This beer is a shining example of a BA scotch ale that damn near shoulders with the finest BA Barleywines in complexity and sheer deliciousness. The treatment imparted a fantastic coconut and macaroon aspect and, more importantly, served to tame the metallic and bittering notes attendant to the standard pedestrian scotch ale base. Sure, you can disagree and sip on wee heavies to your heart’s delight, but you probably have your name written on the inside of your underwear and I wouldn’t want to drink with your basic ass 1996 palate anyway.

This has a deep crimson and mahogany aspect to it with a fantastic carb that subsides without lacing or much pageantry. The nose is fantastic through and through, sweet carmelized raisins, brown sugar, a touch of oaky bitter notes, and finishes like Sugar Daddies and a mineral closer. The taste is clean and highly attenuated, not leaving a flabby inefficient grain bill or residual sugar to needlessly sweeten up this tight presentation. It is distinctively a scotch ale in this regard, whereas some people might complain that Ale Smith BA Wee Heavy toes too closely to the barleywine realm. Fuck those complainers, we are talking god tier BA Scotch ales here, give those jabronis some knuckle sandwiches. The taste is a bit more bitter and malt forward than the sweet nose would belie and it kinda reminds me a of a baby version of Kuhnhenn BBBW, if you ratchet evertying back a step, and then actually carbonated it- HEYOOOOO.

The mouthfeel begs for another sip and the fusel heat is imperceptible and integrated seamlessly like those SICK TRUE RELIGION JEANS WITH THE WHITE STITCHING OH FUCK. I killed this bottle unreasonably fast while sucking shit at Rocksmith, but who wants to play POLICE covers anyway? It is highly drinkable, complex, and should be enjoyed above 60 degrees to get all them Sherwin Williams color swaps on your palate.

I would tell you to go seek it out, but I am sure this was like 300 bottles or some shit, so who cares. If nothing else it is a testament to a barrel program that, if we overlook Gran Met and Buffalo Trace BBVD, is almost beyond reproach at this point.

In other Leatherhead related news, the 1989 action figure arrived WITHOUT THE FUCKING SHOTGUN THO Brb gonna shotgun some Voodoo instead.

In other Leatherhead related news, the 1989 action figure arrived WITHOUT THE FUCKING SHOTGUN THO
Brb gonna shotgun some Voodoo instead.

3

@councilbrewing Nicene Saison, an incredible Gewurztraminer BA Saison that drinks like musky vintage Temptation. Delicious.

I know what you are thinking, “Gewurztraminer? Why are you doing this DDB. We aren’t post-menopausal homies with subscriptions to Sunset magazine.” Just stay with me here. You don’t have to be an empty nester who watches Mike and Molly to appreciate this phenomenal beer, just dig in for this farmhouse ride. It’s a bumpy, musky lil pumpkin patch, don’t fall out of the truck.

Them holofoil labels got me dusting off my Charizard

Them holofoil labels got me dusting off my Charizard

Council Brewing Co., San Diego, CA
6% abv Saison

CAPPED AND CORKED OH SHIT FANCIER THAN IGGY AZALEA

The commercial rub-down:

“650, 750ml bottles of Nicene were released on September 13, 2014. Nicene was brewed with traditional Saison ingredients to provide a rustic, bready malt backbone and paired with the tropical fruit forward wine and French oak notes achieved from the Gewurztraminer wine barrels. Over time, Brettanomyces and Lactobacillus will continue to develop the gentle sourness and earthy flavors. This Sour Saison was manually packaged with tremendous care and bottle conditioned with high carbonation for optimal enjoyment in a tulip glass.”

DONT TELL ME WHAT FUKN GLASS TO USE.

A: Whenever I pop a cap and then see a cork it’s like SORRY YOUR PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE. Once I got past the defenses, things got overridingly real. This cascades out with a silky fine carb that crackles forth like a broken washing machine and lingers with wispy frothiness not unlike those filipino foam parties you would attend in your youth. The malt profile looks like straight wheat + belgian pils, nothing too apeshit here. You have a mildly turbid creaminess to the appearance that looks like Sunny D, and everyone knows you want the D. Everyone already knows it.

It doesn't need to make sense.  It's a sub 1000 count barrel aged saison.  Ask questions later.

It doesn’t need to make sense. It’s a sub 1000 count barrel aged saison. Ask questions later.

S: This has a phenomenal nose to it and presents a sort of riesling spilled on Berber carpet. There is a musk of leather and saddle but nectarine and a sweet Chardonnay oakiness. I had never tried a GERWERTEZMENDER barrel aged ANYTHING before and I was suspect from the outset. I didn’t know if a saison would be the based candidate just because the overridingly sweet profile from the grapes COULD TAKE SHIT OVER LIKE WHEN DRAKE DROPS A LACKLUSTER 16 BUT THAT’S THE ONLY VERSE ANYONE REMEMBERS. This just soars on the olfactory profile and presents a welcoming peach pie cooling in the barn, straw and faint acidity while you do whip its and lay in the hay bales. Things are ultra cutty.

This is odd, but unquestionably welcoming.  Franch approved.

This is odd, but unquestionably welcoming. Franch approved.

T: Again, the G-spot barrels are phenomenal and present just the right balance of sweetness for the incredibly balanced acidity to make this drink like aged Temptation. If you have opened a batch 4 large format Temptation you will have an excellent idea of what I am talking about. This doesn’t go ultra lactic, it doesn’t put its pedio foot forward, it opts for a massive drinkability and leaves your gumline unmolested. The creaminess and anjou pear leaves a sort of fondue muskiness on the gumline that is difficult to approximate. It just works so well.

M: Again the cheesy creaminess and silky carb just makes this whole thing gentle as a basket of laundry fresh out the hamper; because that musk, homie. It doesn’t wipe out your jaw or recede your bitter zones, or give you rumble guts after a 750ml. If you have had some of the more nuanced american Farmhouse beers: Florence, Bernice, Jester King Biere de Miel; you will know exactly what I mean. It doesn’t need to hit you with a throbbing blue veined shaft of acidity or his that sub 3.0 ph to make its point. The whole experience is intensely pleasant and refreshing with a faintly alkaline hardness to the water profile that is awesome, gypsum on deck throwing up B’s and C’s.

Might as well spend your time drinking rare BA saisons, there are worse ways to defend your virginity

Might as well spend your time drinking rare BA saisons, there are worse ways to defend your virginity

D: This is highly crushable and a 750ml is easy to take down. If you have ever opened anything from Blaugies and then been like “where dafuq did all the ounces go?” you will know the saison sitch. Their base saison was tasty, a touch sweet and presented a pretty standard high ferm temp Dupont strain sort of profile but this takes things to a whole new realm. If this is characteristic of GERWAMSTRAINER barrels, then god damn, breweries need to start sourcing them hard, like Galoob ripping off NES code with Gamie Genie: THIS IS NO DERIVATIVE WORK.

FOR OLD TIMES SAKE, LET’S DO A NARRATIVE:

Narrative: It had been so long since the four arbiters of the canonical saison world had met. The yeast harbinger so adaptive, ever changing and immutably difficult to locate would seemingly never find time in his schedule to discuss the earthy matters and gristy concerns of the wheat delegate. Even less likely would be the union of the diplomate of Water, hard and pure, with the porous affiliate from the Barrel kingdom. Dire circomstances required a clarification of the saison creed. So many faiths and splinter sects had denatured the Wallonian teachings from the initial farmhouse apostles and the populace was crying for clarity and canonical guidance. The musky gavel rapped the wood lightly and Water brought the counsel to Order, “ggeetttnnnllleeemennn, weee neeedd too dessshcccieeddeee-” he began and was immediately interrupted by Yeast, “oh for fucks sake, can anyone but Water preside over these proceedings? Listen to him. COME ON.” The gathering had begun with a glacier paced discussion of monoculture additions to secondary fermentations, enough to put even Barrel to rest. The faith in Farmhouse Culture was dying, and people were increasingly converting to a acetic faith. Something needed to be done to restore the Wallonian truths set forth some 325 years prior. Finally, after days of grueling work, and the interjection of sweet servant grapes, the Council of Saison had developed an immutable creed for the masses to adhere to without question:

“We believe in one Saison, the Farmhouse almighty, fermenter of all things visible and insoluble
and in one strain, the Son of yeast, the essence of the Father, wheat of wheat, water of water,
housed in earthly sanctity of oak, begotten, not made, being of one substance with the first Saison.

By whom all saisons were made, in primary and secondary fermentation, Heaven and Earth,
who for us, Saisons were made incarnate and sent to earth for man

Through high fermentation temps, which would kill or denature ordinary Sacchromyeces, yeast suffered and after the 21st day, rose again

From thence all saisons shall come to judge the quick and the dead ales, the impure libations, those weak of spirit and character

and in the holy fermentation Ghost.”

Less than 60 years later brewers would again engage in sectarian violence over the meaning of “fermentation Ghost,” but that is a tale for another tome.

8

Top 10 Reasons Why Basic Bitch Palates Love Adjunct Stouts

Between PIRATE BOMB, and BA MEXICAN CAKE SETS and BA ABRAXAS and BIGGELESWADE DERK LERD AND STONE’S NEW CINNAMON TOAST AFTERBIRTH PLACENTA EXTRAVAGANZA: we have been perineum deep in adjunct stouts. There is something about the allure of all them ingredients on the label that drive basic tickers absolutely banana sandwich. Today I try to sum up why n00bs and sundollar nippled basement dwellers LOVE THEM ADJUNTIFIED STOUTS:

1. THE ABV
Most people attempting to stretch their anuses in the beer game go micro -> hop head -> stouts -> big barrel aged beers -> and end up as the permavirgin lambic coveter you take pity on wearing a tribly scribbling in a Moleskin, shit people should never read. Those journals look like Kevin Spacey’s from Se7en. But in the middle of this degenerative reverse evolution, pussy tickers get it into their heads that a high abv is something difficult to pull off, and they are forged from the cauldron of Hephaestus just because they can slam a 13% abv beer. If you go to any basic bitch bottle share there will always be one dude talking about taking down HUUUUGE BEERS, his swampy armpits redolent with pasta water. Adjunct stouts serve up some high abv and that is anomalously a point of pride for people who don’t know shit. They eat it up.

2. THE COLOR, BRO
If you add chocolate or black patent malt to 168 degree water, you are a fucking genius and god among men. I know most people see you as a sugar water stirring fuckup who was dishonorably discharged from the Coast Guard, but you learned HOW TO MAKE WATER DARK AS FUCK. Basic tickers love this shit. They use tired ass adjectives and sheet it on the glass to get those furrowed foreskins pull taut. To their even more basic friends, its a sign of bragadocio when they get to pop wheelies with adjunct laden dark liquids. SOMEDAY YOULL GET ON THIS LEVEL MAN “OH WOW I DONT EVEN SEE HOW YOU CAN DRINK THAT, ALSO YOUR TEETH LOOK LIKE BAKED BEANS, WOW.”

3. Flavors Any Dipshit Could Identify
If you haven’t tried that many beers, life can be a dizzying mystery of tastes and smells. NO ONE CALL TELL ME WHAT I SUBJECTIVELY TASTE IS WRONG. Is usually what someone who is completely fucking wrong will say. The basic bitch ticker loves adjunct stouts because the label says it right there. It’s like life insurance for their shitty impressions, no one can tell them that vanilla is not in there BECAUSE IT SAYS VANILLA RIGHT THERE ON THE LABEL MOM, GOD TELL ME BEFORE YOU COME DOWN HERE TO DO LAUNDRY. FUCK. Also, adding a fuck ton of an identifiable flavor makes it so they don’t need to learn about things like yeast strains, fermenting temps, or any nuances monoculture aspects. THEY JUST GET TO POINT OUT THE FUKN CINNAMEN BRUH!!!!

MFW i see someone offering up adjunct stout for an almost identical beer

MFW i see someone offering up adjunct stout for an almost identical beer

4. Loose Familiarity with the Base Beer
Usually a barrel aged adjunct stout has some sibling that the local dipshit picked up at the local Binny’s. It makes them feel safe and secure knowing that not only will they have tepid observations BUT THEY GET TO MAKE OBVIOUS CONTRASTS AS WELL. While the regular stout was chocolate, the one filled with a shitload of Ancho Peppers TASTES LIKE ANCHO PEPPERS HOLY FUCK 100/100 BJCP SCORE. It is also this grounding in the pedestrian that makes these tickers want the EVEN RARERER VERSION SO MUCH MOARRRR. Sometimes the adjunct versions are even shittier, but that doesn’t matter. Just imagine the look on that Birmingham Homebrew Club’s faces when you roll up with the LIMITED VERSION of some shit they got at the grocery store. King among sleep apnea afflicted men, indeed.

5. U GET TO BE THE BIG MAN AT A BOTTLE SHAER
Most beers that you can drink by yourself don’t lend themselves exclusively to sharing it amongst your 13 closest degenerates. If someone asked me to split a Fantome Ete 13 ways I would LOL and show them where the Hennepin is located. However, if you have a 15% adjunct stout, it begs to be shared like a Burning Angel model. The guy whose personal life is in shambles get to feel special and relevant for a fleeting moment for pouring 1oz into a semi-stranger’s glass. Transitions lenses be fogging up hard when that cocoa version comes out, oh shit AND THE PEANUT BUTTER ONE TOO GUYS LETS ALWAYS INVITE THIS SOCIAL MAVEN.

6. Low Bottle Counts
Plenty of styles have low bottle counts, but who the fuck is trying to drink a SAISON AMIRITE? That’s barely a step above a hef. But when it comes to produce laden stouts, those bottle counts are gospel, regardless of what is inside of them. Often times, someone will tell you the bottle count before they even tell you what the fuck the beer is, as though that’s some MSRP necessary information. Again, we can chalk this up to two parts feelings of inadequacy and one part wanting to have the most tumescent beer pud while standing in line for, you guessed it, more fucking beer.

If you don't know how to respect adjunct stouts, maybe you need to take a break from the trade boards until you get your shit together

If you don’t know how to respect adjunct stouts, maybe you need to take a break from the trade boards until you get your shit together

7. GOTTA COMPLETE THAT FUKN SETTTT
The compulsive behavior exhibited by the mid-tier beer nerd lends itself nicely to collecting: most nerds went from pogs, to pokemon, to magic the gathering, to fake numbers from women who were repulsed by them, to setlists from bands no one gives a shit about, until finally that completionist glow of having three slightly different versions of the same beer. Beyond just letting them rot in an Ohio basement, which is sick as fuck in itself, you also get to show them off when one of your 4 friends from the bowling league comes over. Tucked in glass cases like aborginal artifacts, too esoteric for the common guzzler to wrap his mind around. NO YOU FUKN IDIOT THAT ISN’T BOURBON BARREL …that’s the RYE BARREL. I await the day that the holofoil vvariant labels are released and shit gets really real in the field.

8. Become a Master of Comparing Shit No One Cares About
If you have 5 minutes to burn while sitting in your cell on death row, ask a beer nerd which variant he liked best from the 4 versions of the recent adjunct stout. I hope you brought a blankie and some snacks, that monologue will feel endlessly long, like chain smoking Salvia end on end. If you have ever heard one of these philippics you will know that cascading waves of “bourbon had more…but brandy was a touch sweeeter…we all agreed that tequila was too…oddly I loved the malort barrel…” just whipping through the air like a gawdy baton of wasted calories. It would be like if there was a Koren War for decadent dipshits and these people enlisted HARD on those one way missions. Then they return with some stories to tell, real gourmand shit that will chill your soul, you aint heard cardinal or ordinal lists like these before motherfucker, that goateed warrior HAS TASTED SOME THINGS YOU CANT EVEN IMAGINE.

9. FOMO Immunity
If a brewery releases a limited beer that most people miss out on, you can expect that shit to be alluded to a million times over as the benchmark of human progress and palate calibration. If you never tried Southampton Black Raspberry Lambic, then you don’t know SHIT and can’t comment on anything until you do. Take that paradigm and make it tenfold worse because stout aficionados are the absolute fucking worst in this regard. If you miss out on one of the 84 BOTTLES of Apple Brandy Huna, then, why should I even fucking listen to this person, it’s like he lives in a stinky cave and subsists off of hearts of palm. Ok you had CALI BRANDY but whoa whoa, easy buddy, the adults are talking about APPLE BRANDY, why don’t you return to your duplo blocks or whatever it is you put in your mouth. Ticking rare stouts gives you an immunization from anyone being able to ever reference something YOU MAY NOT HAVE TRIED. The shield also works as a weapon in case someone is pulling rank, you just cut their asses down to size by referencing OH YOU HAVENT HAD JUST RUM BARREL HUNA? ONLY THE DOUBLE BARREL ONE EVERY TRIED? OH WELL I CANT EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND. Then disappear in a cloud of black malty smoke like Altair.

with great gourmand power comes decadent responsibility

with great gourmand power comes decadent responsibility

10. Insightful 1oz Blending by Drunk Assholes
If merely trying the beer wasn’t sufficient, be sure to instagram a bunch of pics of you and your 14 closest homies pouring nominal amounts from the bottom of the bottles to make THE ULTIMATE BLEND. Because then if people tried them individually, you can always piggy back on the ULTIMATE blend of adjunct stouts, to one up anyone. Basic bitch tickers love this because it makes them feel novel, like if Armand or Uli got into a severe car accident and acted like a complete asshole for the rest of his life. And the thought of being a part of that creative process is like Marcel Proust dipping his madeline into tea, a wave of bitch ticker memories wash over these pedestrian ass traders like a Remembrance of Things Past.

So there you have it. If you didn’t understand it before, now you see why the world of meaningless adjunct liquids is so meaningful to people who have little and predicate their self values upon 1%er limited consumables.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE STOUT GAME WAS SUPREME

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE STOUT GAME WAS SUPREME

0

@therarebarrel Ensorcelled versus @thebruery Wanderer, LET’S FINALLY PUT THESE COMPARISONS TO REST

Alright, whenever I bring up the dark sour lineage from Rare Barrel, some dipshit wants 1) demonstrate he knows that Jay Goodwin worked at the Bruery and 2) flex his peen and let everyone know that he has had Wanderer. At the Bruery anniversary festival, all I fucking heard was chortled comparisons from the sweaty jowls of attendees about “ERMAGERD ITS…basically…the…same…Wandere…” which I assumed was a comparison, since that “standing in direct sunlight” must have taken a lot of out the husky attendees.

So let’s settle this shit. Which one is better? Is there a difference? Can you approximate a vagina with a lukewarm cantaloupe? These questions answered today.

RESULTS INVALID: no Rare Barrel Glass utilized, unfair advantage from the outset

RESULTS INVALID: no Rare Barrel Glass utilized, unfair advantage from the outset

The Rare Barrel Ensorcelled
Berkeley, California, United States

Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 5.80% ABV

“Dark Sour Beer Aged in Oak Barrels with Rasperries” laconic as fuck.

VERSUS

The Bruery THE WANDERER
California, United States

Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 8.00% ABV

Notes/Commercial Description:
The Wanderer is a special blend of oak aged ales that we made with Craig and Beth from San Francisco’s City Beer Store. Blending a mix of sour ales and our anniversary ale the base of this beer has a delightfully sour tinge on top of a hearty malt backbone. To add to the flavor, Craig and Beth selected blackberries and bing cherries to be added to the ale adding to it’s already fruity complexity. This ale went on to win the silver medal for wood & barrel aged sour fruited ales at the 2011 Great American Beer Festival.

Alright enough cyber sexing, let’s bring this resolution to full completion:

A: Them Berkeley boys come out the gates with a slicker and more nimble offering that has more substantial carb and deeper darker tones serving to underpin the frothy mochawhip carbonation. The Rare Barrel offering LOOKS outright more attenuated and seems to straddle more genres in appearance than the paint by numbers AWA you may be expecting. By contrast Wanderer has deep garnet and ROBEY-esque tones with burnt sienna, dark amber and red brick frothiness in the head that seems more focused and calls to the fruits from within to harness their tannic nature like an acidic Captain Planet, unity through divested parts.

WINRAR: Wanderer, I just wanna get my mouth all up on that burnt red lipstick, red rocket session.

If you thought I was gonna go for some low hanging euphemism here you are wrong, and your vagina is dry.

If you thought I was gonna go for some low hanging euphemism here you are wrong, and your vagina is dry.

S: Ensorcelled puts forward an amazing, stripped down approach that is a decidedly jammy, raspberry banger that adds nuance and a level of complexity with caramel, toasted creme brulee top, almond, and an acidic closer that doesn’t toe the line into acetic. It knows the limits and pats co-workers on the low back, doesn’t grip their acidic asses. Wanderer, for all its charms is more like a RT Dodge Challenger in this regard and deliver MOARRRRR acidity, but with substantially less poise and grace. The fruit is there and you get almost a touch of Oud Bruin in there with a black cherry and currant appeal, however, there are sick burnout slicks tossing almost vinegar and acetic notes from overclocking that sour processor. For novice sour lovers, this will hit harder and light up their erogenous zones more completely, but if someone has been in that jammy jam game for a while, they will likely prefer Ensorcelled for its subtle wit and slow approach, like neck misses and an Oscar Wilde novel while Newsroom is on in the background.

WINRAR: Ensorcelled, because that slow palm up the inner berry thigh, straight juicy clearances.

T: Ensorcelled builds upon the nasal endeavors in much the same way, a dry tart opener with ratcheted acidic aspects, just enough to let the fruit shine through. It’s like in death metal breakdowns when the double kick pulls back to let those face melting hammer ons through, that’s how things progress with this delicate face melter. You get that framboise meets brown ale sort of execution, like walnut and caramel but covered in Smucker’s jammy goodness. The acidity compliments and doesn’t dominate the gentle fruit tannins. Wanderer has been doing sick dips and the acidic serratus is shredded, at full berry pump. The blackberry is present in the taste in a huge way and those tart cherries come through not unlike C&C old school La Folie. Which is ironic because Rare Barrel would be the low hanging La Folie comparison, I know, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. However, with great power comes great acidity, Uncle Ben taught me that. The red wine vinegar notes are only present at higher temps and there is a touch of diacetyl if you sip this at room temperature. It’s more like if you are the consumer who buys the reasonable 2 cup Reese’s or if you go malty balls to the wall with a straight up 4 CUP session. I am not here to tell you how to live your life.

WINRAR: Wanderer, while more aggressive, your palate secretly likes its hair pulled by them blackberries.

Put these beers inside your buddies, get wild, touch his monkey

Put these beers inside your buddies, get wild, touch his malty monkey

M: Ensorcelled is more of a gentle fawn, presenting a nice berry basket of jams and welcoming you to the neighborhood. Wanderer walks right into your housewarming party and starts gripping your cousin’s titties and shes not even of age yet. The dryness of Wanderer is over the top and the acidity is that type of hegemony that some prefer because it lets the palate relax as the dominate notes are apparent. Bitch level cicerones will prefer Wanderer because they can point out pronounced aspects to their home brew club and feel like they don’t have an eraser dick. However, Ensorcelled has that poise and grace of the incredibly attractive mormon girl that everyone can appreciate and we all respect for her values and nuanced airs. Sure she isn’t tossing dome shots in the backseat of a Dodge Inrepid, but maybe you will like Rare Barrel more as a result, for taking that higher road and not just gripping your berries outright.

WinRARER: Encsorcelled, the ethereal feel of a CTR ring in your soft palm carries the day.

D: Ensorcelled is as soft as the Charmin bear and equally loveable, You can drink it before a Wake and no one will be all JUDGEY. Wanderer is more of a solo commitment. It demands more, it provides more, but compels all the same maintenance problems attendant with those extremes. Your jaw will hurt, you will be drunker, you will be more fatigued, like performing cunnilingus for minutes on end with a girl who is out of your league. But is the pain worth it? I cannot answer that for you, but to my own sensibilities, I enjoyed the frolic in the berry patch with the modest company of the berry hued sorceress. That doesn’t mean you wont like paying top dollar to get your blackberries stepped on. Hell some people pay a ton for that. It just comes down to preference in that regard and I prefer my berries intact.

WinRurerercellor: Tie for drinkability. Just depends on your tolerance and personal tastes.

AMERICAN SOURS ARE TEH ANTCHRIST. Belgiums only!11!!!!

AMERICAN SOURS ARE TEH ANTCHRIST. Belgiums only!11!!!!

OVERALL WINNER: Ensorcelled. Something needs to be said for the nuanced and stripped down approach to this baby bunny in the dark sour patch. While both are equally compelling, my personal tastes align more with this end of the Goldilocks spectrum. Both are exceptional beers, all that bullshit beer blog guarded language, etc, but Ensorcelled is better. I don’t think Patrick Rue is gonna lose any sleep over these 1210 words, plus I am a shameless Bruery apologist, remember.

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DARK HORSE NATION: FINALLY the mash-tun cleaning antics TV viewers have been demanding all these years

In case you haven’t heard yet, them old bearded boys of Marshall, Michigan went and done acquired themselves a television show, on the history channel no less. That’s right, for both of you at home who couldn’t get enough of BREWDAWGZ and BREWMASTERS, comes DARK HORSE NATION, a thrilling new TV series chronicling the lives of Michigan brewers attempting to address the stark solipisms of the human condition by running water through crunched up grains. TRULY COMPELLING.

In the fourth episode, VALENTINES HORSE, one of the bearded boys needs to woo a female companion out of her Lane Bryant jumper

In the fourth episode, VALENTINES HORSE, one of the bearded boys needs to woo a female companion out of her Lane Bryant jumper

You may be asking, “what in the fuck does this have to do with history?” Well technically any event recorded in a static medium is HISTORY, so even minutia connected to making SOUR THREE GUYS OFF THE SCALE, is technically historically relevant because it happened in the not-future. Listen, I am no Don Draper, so I will let History Channel give you their spin on this pile of spent grain:

“”In small town Marshall, Michigan, there is a group of life-long friends living out their visions of the American dream. Led by rebel entrepreneur and fearless visionary, Aaron Morse, Dark Horse is a thriving business set amongst a rural paradise. Morse and his team have been making a name for themselves since 1997, when Dark Horse started bottling their unique line of craft beers. Now distributed in 12 states, the Dark Horse crew is determined to turn their business into a household name. It’s diehard fan base even has its own nickname: Dark Horse Nation.”

“However, DARK HORSE NATION is not only about crafting great beer, it’s a way of life. Their recipe for success is as much about experimentation and trouble-shooting as it is self-taught skill and determination. Every week, there’s some new project, from creating outlandish inventions to building additions to their ever-growing compound. Around here, everything is done by hand, the old-fashioned way, or as they like to put, ‘The Dark Horse Way.'”

So TL;DR the first paragraph is essentially an advertisement for Dark Horse. That’s fine, I guess. The second paragraph delves into existential territory and shows you the raw pathos of the show, THE DARK HORSE WAY OF LIFE. This tao of pouring sacks of two row melded with the Vedas of pitching buckets of yeast underpins the SOUL OF THEIR EVER GROWING COMPOUND. At a certain point, when your size 40 husky jeans chafe from the Michigan sun, you reach that third stage of Kierkegaardian development: THE DARKHORSE WAY.

This is how I feel when I get requests from people to talk about fucking BREWDOGZ or whatever show DFH Sam is pandering at the moment.

This is how I feel when I get requests from people to talk about fucking BREWDOGZ or whatever show DFH Sam is pandering at the moment.

But seriously, what in the fuck is this show actually about? Surely they can’t fill up seven episodes with dipshits wearing North Face jackets arguing about the Lions, OR CAN THEY. Here is my episode breakdown of predictable and tired pseudo-reality plot points:

Episode 1 “MEET THEM HORSES” in this episode we meet four dudes with beards and watch them race against interspliced shots of a clock for some reason, and then we get a B plotline where two husky keg washers have a dispute about who sprayed muds on whose S10.

Episode 2 “TRAVELING HORSES” in this episode two bearded dudes pile into a Tacoma and look for like vanilla, or razzleberry or some shit for an upcoming beer. It really isn’t that important but expect minor chords played over a dude looking winsomely at a barrel like “MAN IF THEY DONT GET THEM BURRIES IN TIME WE ARE FIXIN FOR A REAL SITCH!” Also, we meet a female support character who is probably latently degrading.

Episode 3 “EXPANDING THAT HORSE” in this pivotal TWO PART episode we explore the finer points of basic construction, putting brite tanks in place, and some bullshit ticking clock about how CROOKED TREE NEEDS TO START BREWIN OTHERWISE THE MICHIGAN CHOPPER SOCIETY WONT HAVE ANY KEGS. Also Danzig might show up for some reason.

When they cut to commercial, expect some PAWN STARS bullshit facts like “Dark Horse Brewing is located at 511 S. Kalamazoo Ave., just south of downtown Marshall. The location was formerly Wacky Willy’s party store, owned and named after Bill Morse.” The types of facts you can bring up in case you need to avoid ever feeling a vagina.

the episode "Bring your illegitimate child to the brewery" was nominated for several emmays

the episode “Bring your illegitimate child to the brewery” was nominated for several emmays

Let’s be honest, I am just butthurt that CONDOLAMBIC: the Future Rustic Adventure, was not greenlighted. Just a dude trying to decide what type of DME to use, going to Ralph’s for frozen burritos and then siphoning HOA poolwater before the manager finds out. At one point, the crew has to sit and wait while a Daredorm episode is assiduously selected. Moving television.

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@trinitybrewing ULTIMATE GOOZIE SHOOTOUT: 7 Day Sour vs. Cantillon Classic Goozie, TWO GUEUEZESES ENTER ONLY ONE EXITS

Alright we have a lot of fun around here at DDB, mispronouncing words, pandering the same tired hip hop references, and leaning on JRPG references like a quad walker; but sometimes we actually science hard.

For context, a while back the brewer at Trinity proposed that he could make a gueuze in only 7 days. Levi Funk at Funk Factory Gueuezeria said [and I am paraphrasing here] “you are disrespecting the style and completely fucking things up for everyone this is why Americans cannot have nice things.”

Then I pandered out this piece of shit vedeo in response to the whole ordeal but undercutting both of those haters and making a goozie in 47 seconds:

SaisonMan/Lion/Manlion ultimately decided that, perhaps naming a beer a “gueuze” wasn’t in the spirit of three separate Pajotenland lambics master blended to taste. So now it is called 7 DAY SOUR. The comparison between a 7 DAY SOUR and Cantillon Gueuze loses some of the gravitas in the transition, but people keep fucking asking me to address this, so HERE WE GO USA VS. BELGIUM EXCEPT THIS TIME NOT IN A SPORT PEOPLE ONLY WATCH EVERY .4 DECADES.

THE LEVELS OF EMPIRICISM ARE OFF THE CHARTS IN BOTH METRIC AND ENGLISH MEASUREMENTS

THE LEVELS OF EMPIRICISM ARE OFF THE CHARTS IN BOTH METRIC AND ENGLISH MEASUREMENTS

TRINITY:

Trinity Brewing Company
Colorado, United States
Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 5.00% ABV

Commercial Pitch:

“Sour beers are famous for long aging periods, wild microbes, and flavors that are more complex and intense than any other family of beer. Commonly referred to as Lambics, these beers were once only brewed in a specific region of Belgium and have recently made a migration to breweries of America. Imploring ancient techniques, Seven Day Sour is brewed with a first and second ‘slims’ process, and a malt bill built with over 30% raw wheat and 30% chit malt to dramatically drive up starches and proteins which our quirky wild microbes love to feed on. We sour this recipe with an advanced and progressive method utilizing a hot fermentation in the kettle with Lactobacillus, followed by a cool fermentation on brettanomyces; making this beer anything but simple. Seven Day Sour is a young and unblended gueuze showcasing a refreshing acidity and complex bretta notes.”

Brasserie Cantillon
Belgium
Style | ABV
Gueuze | 5.00% ABV

Commercial Pitch:

The world’s classic Gueuze. A blend of one, two, and three year-old lambics creates a second fermentation in the bottle. The champagne of Belgium. In contrast, the Lou Pepe Gueuze is a blend of three 2-year-old lambics.

Take careful note of the differences between the foregoing descriptions. This will be important later.

Enough spacedocking, let’s get this.

A: Well from the outset, the Cantillon has deeper amber hues, honey sap, and a deep golden color like toasted bread and frothy carb that leaves some lacing, but nothing over the top. The Trinity offering is also beautiful, admittedly. The golden straw color has intense carbonation that is soapy and almost hits those excessive levels. The appearance is more saison/grisette in appearance and seems to miss the depth of a standard goozie. In most cases, being TOO FUCKING RADIANT would not be a drawback, but it evidence that is lacks that massaged oxy realm that a traditional goysah exhibits. It looks too new, the plastic is still on the seats, no one has even been fingerbanged in the backseat yet.

WINNER: Trinity Goozie.

GOD commercial descriptions DONT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN ME ok I GO BEYOND ZOOSK, no one gets me

GOD commercial descriptions DONT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN ME ok I GO BEYOND ZOOSK, no one gets me

S: The Cantillon has a musky cheesiness in addition to the funk, brett, and lemony acidity. It doesn’t exhibit a lack of balance in any one area and pulls nuance for days letting the wet Jansport linger and dovetail with the tangerine and nectarine on the nose. The Trinity leans harder on a one dimensional lactic meets Brett L profile that in truth has more of a mineral/acidic aspect more in line with a Berliner/Gose than a goozie, but THEN AGAIN THEY DROPPED THE VERT GUEUEZE TERM SO MAYBE I NEED TO LEAVE THE ISSUE ALONE. But in reality this hits closer to the 7eventh Sun offerings or perhaps the simple citrus and acidity of normal Surette. To be clear, that’s a good thing in general, but in the realm of traditional Belgian blended lambics/goozies, it would be woefully inadequate. Some things cannot substitute the endless march of time. All things fall victim to the relentless march of sand.

WINNER: Cantillon Gueueuezie.

ARE YOU READY TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME THE KING OF SOURS?

ARE YOU READY TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME THE KING OF SOURS?

T: The taste of the Cantillon lacks the intensely sour aspects of its competitor but comes across as more drinkable in a single serving format, if that makes sense, with the slight bitterness like a semi-soft cheese rind and grapefruit pith. The Trinity VERT GOOZIE is still a pretty refreshing and tasty beer but comes across like a Lotus Elise, a stripped down device relying hard on acidity and…that’s about it. You want an aluminum tub that gets you from A to B and impresses the uninitiated? Well Lotus/Trinity will drop them Forever XXI thongs. The Cantillon comes across more like a FJ Cruiser, that everyone will appreciate on some level either due to utility, nuance, historical lineage, and depth of application. I know the Land Rover community is twisting their dicks hard at the last comparison but ZEROFUXX.

Taste: Cantillon Goyzee

Just because something is new and appealing doesn't mean it wont rip you apart in the future. Gentle nurturing over time is key

Just because something is new and appealing doesn’t mean it wont rip you apart in the future. Gentle nurturing over time is key

M: The Cantillon has a drying aspect and a creaminess to the mouthfeel that is distinctively Belgian in execution. Taking with one historical hand and providing with a new crispness, waxing and waning of Empires past soiling the fields with the nitrates of the future. The Trinity is far less subtle and proceeds to have you lay on the edge of the bed and mouthfucks you like an ASU undergrad. It is just too one dimensional in the acidity and lactic components to really have widespread military applications. If Upland and Trinity did a collabo it would be like holding one mirror up to another in an endless two-dimensional array of images each CASCADEing back upon another. To be clear, if the comparison wasn’t leverage, the Trinity offering is a PRETTY GOOD if labeled as a Berliner or a straight up wild ale. If this were 2010 and Brute were still the hottest bitch on the block, this would dominate. Tastes have evolved and the Trinity might have difficulty stirring up the more complex palate boners with St. Bretta sitting right there on the shelf.

Winner: Cantillon Goysea

D: I guess in a way, the simplicity of the Trinity makes it more appealing for longer sessions, but this is tamed by the acidity. You CAN listen to the entire discography of Pennywise or Too $hort, but fatigue will set in due to the lack of dimensions present. But for the same reason, I wouldn’t want to drink Cantillon backtobacktoback. I know somewhere there is a landlocked dipshit who just rubbed one out to the Etre inventory, but stay with me. If I am going to have a single 750ml, sure Cantillon all day. But if we are talking about playing Dark Souls and dying over and fucking over, taking deep frustrated pulls from the glass, the Trinity wins in that regard. Perhaps that is a return to the simple roots of the lambic fabrication before it became a hobbyist market with stretched nutsacks coveting bottles and cellaring action figure bottles ad infinitum. So in that regard, the Trinity offering perhaps is a return to the rustic Belgian roots, albeit unintentionally.

Winner: Trinity One Week Monistat 7 Goyzie

OVERALL WINNER:

Cant fade the classics. Put on Too $hort “Just another Day” and tell me it doesn’t bang.

Well there you have it. Two completely different beers, one a classic goozie, another essentially a berliner/short attention span AWA that holds a place in my heart.

BEER IS SRS BEZNIESS.

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@hillfarmstead Beyond Good and Evil, intersubjective morality AND SOME FUCKIN MAPLE SYRUP for the ubermensch tickers

Man it feels like FOREVER, since I dropped a hot 16 bars on a Hill Farmstead beer. Will the expansion of the beer game and the constriction of my anoos, landing these beers has put my lower rectum in opposition to what my mouth wants. So what do we have today from the Green Mountain State, aka VERD MONT, aka cetacean land. This is a barrel aged stout from HillFeezy but instead of that traditional ass Damon approach in bourbon/port/DUBBEL, we have MAPLE SYRUP AND THEN TWO FUCKING YEARS IN BOURBON BARRELS. That’s like the same amount of time you spent on that bid for shoplifting that White Chicks DVD.

Life is all about priorities.

THINGS ARE GETTING CLASSY AS FUCK AROUND HERE

THINGS ARE GETTING CLASSY AS FUCK AROUND HERE

Hill Farmstead Brewery
Vermont, United States
Style | ABV
American Double / Imperial Stout | ABV ? WHODAFUCK HAS AN ALCOLYZER

A: This beer looks exactly how you would expect it to look, tar black, scared quid inky tones, that mocha foam and wispy trails hitting the glass up like street art in poor neighborhoods. The retention is legit, holds that head up high, shake the fuck out of an Illy coffee drink and drop it into regular ass Damon and you’d get the same effect. UPDATE: I KNOW THERE IS NO COFFEE IN THIS, THAT WAS A VISUAL DESCRIPTOR THANKS FACT CHECKING DDB READERS.

This is what 99% of untappd stout reviews remind me of

This is what 99% of untappd stout reviews remind me of

S: Holy confectioner orgasm. This is easily the sweetest beer on the nose that Hill Farmstead has made to date and leads with less roast and more sticky August Gloomp chocolate, Hershey’s syrup, Caramello and Twix, and this sticky sweet IHOP presence. You get a touch of burnt toastiness on the back end but this is very much American in execution and smells almost like cocoa nibs or adjuncts were used but that’s all MALTMOTOR no forced induction. This beer is straight boosting.

T: The sweetness gang bang continues and you get hot chocolate ropes in and around your mouth. There is a maple syrup, pecan, and sweet Ms. Butterworth’s levels of complexity here, but thankfully the toasted malt aspects show up on the backend to keep this shit out of the Southern Tier realm of diabetic decadence. The bourbon presence is inextricably bound in this macaroon and maple sort of Cronut treat, but the chocolate and oak rides out the sustain on the finish like shooting them salty barrels, you get so pitted. If you have ever done naked burpees in a See’s Candy, you will know the sweetness and intensity present in this complex treat.

you may think because DDB is on that saison game he cant go alpha beast on stouts: YOU ARE FUCKN WRONG THO

you may think because DDB is on that saison game he cant go alpha beast on stouts: YOU ARE FUCKN WRONG THO

M: The heft of this beer is somewhere in between MC2 and MC3, not crazy, but not as thin as MC1 either. It is somewhere akin to Parabola in mouthfeel albeit lacking any really carbonation or crackle in the mouth itself. It got so ramped up in the glass that by the time it gets in the mouth, the load has been shot and it just kinda lays there acting sweet along the gumline. Again, that maple sweetness seems to coat and linger and seems patently out of character for the crisp attenuated Hill Farmstead execution you may be used to. This is decidedly American in execution and strays away from that European game that Shaun Hill posts up on in the paint. SOMEONE IS GETTING BOXED OUT.

D: This is one of their more drinkable stouts due to the viscosity and mouthfeel, but again part of me wonders what could have been if the maple syrup were omitted. I know that defeats the purpose of the beer and the nuanced execution of something original. Maybe I am just a savory bastard in a sweet world, maybe I got a rough HJ in a Denny’s and cant stand syrup now; who knows. All in all, this is better than say MC1 and regular Damon, but fails to hit that back wall of my stout cervix like MC2 and MC3. This is all relative to the HF lineup, which is unfair to the masses of other shitty generic BA stouts out there, suffice it to say, it is better than 90% of those. I am sure I can rally some dipshit at this point to reference Parabola or regular BCBS or Kentucky Dark Star or whateverthefuck, but let the men talk without your offshelf jibber jabber.

The thing about stouts is- OH FUCK IT'S CAEYMAEX-

The thing about stouts is- OH FUCK IT’S CAEYMAEX-

Narrative: The new school of Stoutology had exhibited inherent logical failings to Pierre Donmiesque. Their sticky emphasis on imagination, self-assertion, danger, originality, and the “creation of values” more often than not resulted in a reliance upon adjunct systems without a clear definition of terms. The average scholar following this new school of Stout discipline emphasized adjectives and ingredients over substance and execution as a whole. Pierre could not embrace this saccharine system of values, predicating the weaker at odds with the stronger, the more nimble stouts pulled down by the inefficient. Pierre held to a new system of malt beliefs portraying even domination, appropriation and injury to the weak stouts as not universally objectionable. Pierre had pushed to a new development in his high stout consciousness, at the expense of collateral stouts. Ultimately each brew philosopher had pandered exclusively to emphasize accessibility as a virtue, at the expense of quality, such were the trappings of the new school. Pierre saw this as a tee ball participation trophy where everyone was awarded BJCP accolades while accomplishing little more than endless emulation of preexisting tropes. Those chili/vanilla/cocoa/coffee archetypes were well worn and supported ad infinitum by a gallery of yeasayers. Pierre pressed his face to the glass and watched a bag of ancho chilis being emptied into a carbon copy stout with a name predicated on either a movie or pedestrian pun. ULtimately, Pierre felt that noble and base are distinguished by more than what they value as “good.” He had ascended beyond the failings of a 2008 BJCP morality presented in a post-ISO:FT world.

Pierre had become a stout critic beyond the scope of good and evil.