Category Archives: barrel aged

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AC Golden Peche, Squeeze Dem Peaches Until You Get To That There Juicy Pit

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Alright, let’s see if this micro with macro parents can run with the big dogs in today’s review of Peche. American wilds might be the hardest fucking category to classify one’s beer in. When you adjust the ratings for style you basically have to crush it out of the park to even turn someone’s head. This beer won some GABF awards, but let’s see if it really puts the tires to the pavement or if that power is all lost at the barrel aged flywheel in today’s review

No granite backsplash for today's review, classing shit up and going modern.

No granite backsplash for today’s review, classing shit up and going modern.

AC Golden Brewing Company
Colorado, United States
American Wild Ale | ABV ?

A: This beer comes out disinterested as fuck and just kinda lays there like a discount escort, but for $80 off of craigslist, were you expecting some kind of Fantome excitement? The lacing is non-existent but for the style, this isn’t exactly the foamy soapy pillow fight that people anticipate. The SRM looks good and juicy, there’s a brassiness to the middle with light yellow radiance to the edges like illuminated holofoil rares. Venom vs Spiderman Marvel Masterpiece level.

Wild ales in general dont present a shameful display. Even when they are mediocre, they are pretty bomb

Wild ales in general dont present a shameful display. Even when they are mediocre, they are pretty bomb

S: This has an incredible nose to it and reminds me a lot of Cascade Apricot in the high acidity and fruit that is just getting manhandled by the lactic aspects. It is difficult to ascribe depth and cheesiness to this because the musk is almost non-existent and a boost of some Brett C would have been a nice inclusion, but maybe I am asking for too much. This is certainly a pocket knife and not a Swiss army knife. It has utility and executes well for a single purpose but doesn’t present a crazy panoply of aromatics. Sometimes you can pop in Twisted Metal and appreciate the simplicity of pure destruction.

T: This is incredibly sour and delivers on the tannic peach front and has a drying finish that just assaults the gumline relentlessly. The brett that was missing on the nose shows up and peeks its head at the finish and sheepishly carries the books of the popular kids, in this case the peach and acidic profile. Similar to the nose, you get that Cascade sort of one trick pony that makes this good but fails to mystify on deeper levels of musk and funk. If Michael Bay made an American wild, it would be this spectacle that tears shit up but leaves you ultimately aware that you came to the movies alone.

I wont say that this is the most alpha Wild Ale that I have ever had, but it battles on a different field.

I wont say that this is the most alpha Wild Ale that I have ever had, but it battles on a different field.

M: This is incredibly dry and save for a few fleeting moments of juicy peach in the middle, this is your dentists worst nightmare. Unless you have PPO insurance, don’t pound this on the reg because that acidity will catch up with you and you will get the old “Lambic Gurgles” when your insides get turned out harder than a Plan B overdose. It is incredibly acidic and the peach serves as a trojan horse to leave the charge to your lower intestine where the magic happens. Deuce crew for sheeze.

D: This is incredibly drinkable and the ABV is non-existent. Aside from the sheer pain of drinking a highly acidic potation, this has utility amongst those of the XX chromosomal order because, dem peaches. This would be good to have on hand for those times when you don’t want to go balls out on fruited lambics, but lightly acidic beers dont seem to be hitting your lactic spot. Fans of Grand Funk Ale Road and Upland Lambics will appreciate the direct approach of this sour, Fantome ghost hunters will long for a bit more complexity. At the end of the day, everyone gets a reluctant hand job.

The ultimate irony is that beer nerds, the least impressive people in the world, are the hardest to impress. Paradoxes abound.

The ultimate irony is that beer nerds, the least impressive people in the world, are the hardest to impress. Paradoxes abound.

Narrative: Chelsea Rosacaea was an offputting tart little beauty of 20 years. She was brash, acrimonious and honest to a fault. Her parents always warned her that being too forward and harsh was a bit intimidating for young suitors, but she cared little for pageantry and grace. On one date, she went to a Sonic Burger and began to prostrate at length about the sorry state of the Chevy Cruze that her male counterpart had picked her up in and gave a full dress down to the Coney Dogs section of the menu. “I mean really, I wore a dry clean only dress for this? When am I supposed to be impressed? At the crest of the banana split in a plastic tub? This courtship might fly in South Carolina, but I feel like an enterprise such as this hardly warrants some titty groping,” she demurred to the poor young man who had no idea that with the sweetest of peaches comes the largest of pits. She was a bit harsh, but refreshing in her simplicity, like so many .ROM files lost on hard drives along the way.

2

AC Golden Ctayt Whiskey Barrel Aged Stout, Beer Nerds Have Nice Manctayts

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Happy April Fool’s Day, I put Kvass in your fleshlight.

Psyche.

Put your pitchfork down and shut the fuck up for a moment. The second I posted a picture of this beer all these prediabetic beer nerds started sweating through their screen print tee’s in anger. Yes, I know this beer is made by a company that is a subsidiary of MillerCoors, but it is also fucking delicious. Beer assholes get all up in arms about corporate responsibility and turn beer into a watered down punk rock movement not realizing they are arguing about fucking sugar water. The same people who lambast awesome breweries like AC Golden take InBev into their mouths until completion and stroke Goose Island on the reg. So today, let’s talk about a fucking GABF medal winning, amazing stout, OK?

With enough whiskey, you can feel some Ctaytties

With enough whiskey, you can feel some Ctaytties

AC Golden Brewing Company
Colorado, United States
Russian Imperial Stout | ABV ?

A: This pours a deep mahogany that is black at the center with that deep mocha foam that I love to see in all my Barista snuff films. The lacing is substantial and abated by the generous legs and clear sheeting on the glass. The ABV is not listed but given the residual sugars and how they get the shit womped out of them by the coating on the alcohol, I would peg this somewhere in the 12 to 13% range. It looks like if Stone IRS boned Huna, and theiy beautiful whiskey baby came out already swearing.

Whenever people write beers off before even trying them I be like

Whenever people write beers off before even trying them I be like

S: This is unmistakably whiskey forward with barrel tossing haymakers, making some sweet chin music. There is a baker’s chocolate, confectioner’s sugar, nestle chips, and basically an entire bakery up in my nose just nasal fucking me senseless. But in a good way, that brownie batter is welcomed. The barrel closes this out with a bit of astringency that is often found in those aggressive ass whiskey treatments. Rye on Rye is one of the biggest offenders in this regard. Nice blend of the sweet and the domestic violence, like beating someone’s ass in a candy shop drinking Johnny Walker.

T: This leads with the sweet cocoa and that dry roast first and almost reminds me of some kind of a Darkness variant with the bitterness to the malts and the deep char that serves as the floorboards for that barrel treatment to go apeshit on. The whiskey aspects round out the experience with a bit of vanilla and a scratchy crackle that those who have had Hangar 24 Hammerhead or Pugachev’s Cobra will be familiar with. This isn’t overly fusel, if only because of the generous sweetness at the outset that helps daddy take his medicine.

I don't care if this beer was made in Jacob Schueler's basement, I would still drink it on the reg and hit strip clubs like a madman.

I don’t care if this beer was made in Jacob Schueler’s basement, I would still drink it on the reg and hit strip clubs like a madman.

M: This coats like Behr and leaves a bukkake coat of chocolate goodness on the inside of your mouth. The whiskey aspects linger a bit longer than I would have liked but adds a layer of complexity that is welcome, particularly in a world of 3-4 month barrel treatments. You gotta keep it inside longer if you want beer nerds to drop their loads. The mouthfeel has this incredibly fine carbonation that reminds me of a UK style nitro stout, but I know that’s not the case, just being baller as fuck in this regard.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and the only real aspect that slows down unabashed alcoholism is the whiskey profile clubbing people and keeping you in check. That mouthfeel and the smooth sweetness make this staggeringly drinkable, especially if you have this around 50 degrees, at higher temps, whiskey staggers forward and starts grabbing asses and slapping titties. Some people are into that though.

"I AM HELLA INTO CRAFT BEER, LIKE HENNEPIN" do you even fucking row?

“I AM HELLA INTO CRAFT BEER, LIKE HENNEPIN” do you even fucking row?

Narrative: Little Nauru wasn’t exactly a tourist destination. To be more accurate it was the least visited country on the face of the entire planet. They had amazing confections and an admirable local spirit program going on, especially for being a little island people of 8,000 souls. “NO ONE GIVES US A FUCKING CHANCE!” Mayor Jayurbi exclaimed while sipping an exotic, amazing liqueur while looking out over the huge sulfate mines. “People just stigmatize Little Naru as some 8.1 square mile strip mine and don’t see that we have artistry, we aren’t a hand of an impersonal corporation!” The chocolates were delicious and arranged at the visitor center next to an array of ambrosial treats. “PEOPLE VISIT BANGUI MORE THAN OUR COUNTRY! And they are in the middle of a fucking CIVIL WAR,” the mayor fumed and looked out upon the abundant, promiscuous local women. “I guess if those closeminded assholes wont give us a try, we can remain in Little Naru enjoying delicious things and fuck all to the rest of them!” Mayor Jayurbi exclaimed and took a deep pull of whiskey, organically distilled and completely amazing.

0

Cascade Bottleworks XIV, The Barret .50 cal of the American Wild Ale world, dropping shells in that chiquita

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Alright let’s knock out some more of the recent walez that have been clogging up the trade boards recently. This one is a glorious return from the complete Bottleworks nonsense that Stone offered up as last year’s anniversary beer. Every other year was like “hey let’s take our time and make a limited, amazing sour with almost zero distribution” and Stone was all like “how about we make a hoppy belgian strong with that same yeast strain that no one is stoked about? Ok now we will ship this to 34 states. Good.” So this was a breath of relief to see things getting back to normal. Let’s pound on this 14 year old in today’s review

You read that label correctly, almost 12% abv. Dropping more Lane Bryant panties than a Chris Brown record.

You read that label correctly, almost 12% abv. Dropping more Lane Bryant panties than a Chris Brown record.

Cascade Brewing / Raccoon Lodge & Brewpub
Oregon, United States
American Wild Ale | 11.95% ABV

A: This is an outright beautiful beer with minimal lacing but substantial carbonation at the outset that sits in a sticky white cap (EUPHEMISM DETECTED) on the rim of a golden hue. Look at that, looking all like Nana’s broach, that sort of beauty you only see in your girlfriend’s eyes when she says “we lost the baby” or something like that. Tragic yet life altering. The sheeting is present in thick clear legs running down the glass like a Sir Mix A Lot video, NSFW stuff.

It is tough to imagine that massive 12% abv could have the fruits and grace of a complex american wild ale, but it pulls it off straight up Manticore style.

It is tough to imagine that massive 12% abv could have the fruits and grace of a complex american wild ale, but it pulls it off straight up Manticore style.

S: Holy hell, the traditional super lactic Cascade ultra acid bomb is present here, but he brought some ass beating friends to the school dance. In tow is Pineapple dipped in bourbon, Rum with some vanilla numchucks, and finally a Navel Orange with oak ninja stars. It is a formal fighting force that kicks ass on both tart and savory fronts.

This is a powerful hybrid of two things I love, maintaining power and beauty at the same time.

This is a powerful hybrid of two things I love, maintaining power and beauty at the same time.

T: This maintains at the outset the incredibly tart apricot and juicy tangerine acidity but languishes into this really strange sitting chair of caramel and mallow kisses. The rum aspects kinda remind me of 5 Golden Rings or a super lactic Belgian tripel. This is complex almost to a fault because right when you get grounded with all the tart characters, shit turns into some crazy old ale realm where you can’t follow the plot of this beer. Supporting characters be popping up all pell mell, offering handjobs and kicking out barrel aged secrets.

M: This is a heavy double barrel heater all up in your oralfacehole. The residual sugars roll around like substrate in a lava lamp and the heat is decidedly present for a strangely distracting beer. You’d think this beer would have plenty of other aspects to focus on with the sour and crazy barrel properties, but the alcohol burn is still there and at higher temps it is the femme fatale of the film noir that’s going on in your mouth.

D: This is just too heavy, too hot, too everything to enjoy on long stretches. That coupled with the fact that this is a 12% beast with tons of beeetus inducing final gravities, makes it a tough one to take down solo. If you went deep on this 750ml, keep it in the fridge between pours because the complexity it gains at the high 50 temps is not what you are seeking. These are not the flavor droids that you are seeking. The carb makes this easy to drink and unless you let this open up to room temps, it will be tame and treat you right. At colder temps that 12% abv is kept in tow like a Korean wife, but behind closed doors, makes you its bitch.

I LOVE BIG WILD ALES THEY BE SO BAD. Oscar Wilde bad.

I LOVE BIG WILD ALES THEY BE SO BAD. Oscar Wilde bad.

Narrative: Elvis Dumervil tossed his keys onto the rick mahogany table and lowered his head cautiously and skulked into the home, hoping that no one was awake. “SO GLAD YOU DECIDED TO COME HOME AT 2:34 in the morning, Elvis,” Latosha Dumervil remonstrated and flipped the light on in clear agitation. His massive frame shifted on his sore quads and he quickly set the bag in his arms down on the dark teak floor. “Baby please, you know it ain’t gotta be like that-” he pleaded and watched her pace back and forth shaking her head in disappointment. “Oh it aint gotta be like that? How it gotta be Elvis? You leave the Broncos and start living this double life, putting on more and more weight, more power, lifting barrels, eating strictly acidic fruits? WHO DO THAT? WHO BE DOING THAT ELVIS?” Elvis clenched his jaw and stared at her. “OH SO 63.5 SACKS WASNT GOOD ENOUGH HUH? NOW I GOTTA ANSWER TO THIS SHIT?” He kicked his duffle bag and horticulture equipment rolled out, among gardening supplies. “Oh so you WEREN’T AT RAVENS PRACTICE WAS YOU!” He turned crimson and gathered the items up. “I swear to God Elvis if you have been working on that orchard again and barreling preserves…WE JUST CAN’T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.” Just then his phone lit up with a text from Dink Martindale “YO ELVIS WE NEED THAT BRLED FRUITS NAO!!!” His wife began packing a suitcase.

3

Lost Abbey Acquires Dozens of Tequila Barrels With Hopes to Get People To “Absolutely Fucking Quit Buying Beer.”

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LOST ABBEY

SAN MARCOS, CA

Exciting new developments are abuzz at the Lost Abbey brewing facility today as workers feverishly stack newly sourced Tequila barrels from Tequila 30-30, a local distillery. Avid beer connoisseurs have been coming by the brewery regularly to watch a filthy potation go into even-more wretched barrels. “We are hoping to brew a strong ale on agave aged in Tequila barrels. The intent here was to put something together that would cripple the beer buying industry for years to come and release a landmark brew that no one could seriously agree was worth a vial of dog shit,” Tomme Arthur declared as he poured gallons of agave nectar right into the boil.

Local beer enthusiasts were still reeling from the recent Sede Vacante release and expressed even more excitement about the forthcoming release. “I hope that it is horrible, like worse than undrinkable,” San Marcos local, Chase Eddinger, declared. “I was kinda unsure after paying $35 for a bottle of a dead flat barleywine last weekend, but, I am hoping this next beer will make me hate all beer altogether.” The Lost Abbey staff met Thursday to discuss potential options to completely halt the sale of high end beverages and drew the conclusion that the fusion of a horrible tepid base beer aged on Tequila oak would be just the right path for the second fiscal quarter.

“We have been working tirelessly to make sure people stop buying not just our beer, but completely quit beer in general,” marketing manager, William Koning noted, “after releasing a $450 Guitar Center box filled with questionable blends, we alienated our poorest customers, now 2013 is dedicated almost entirely to ‘Operation Palate Genocide’ and this new Tequila blend looks to be entirely on mark for our goals.” The elaborate marketing plan was enacted in early 2012 to cut down on the number of customers entering the craft beer hobby and to ensure a viable future for reviewers and collectors alike.

“We said to ourselves, ‘Hey people love Duck Duck Gooze, they really liked Cable Car Kriek, we really gotta amp down quality, raise prices and get rid of some of these would-be consumers,” William Koning noted while demonstrating the anomalously soaring profits on a white board. “We want craft beer to be around for a long time, we can’t expand to meet demand, so making people think craft beer is a complete joke and/or waste of time was really the only viable option for the industry.”

Lost Abbey employees were seen hollowing out ripe gourds at press time and filling them with Riunite Lambrusco for an upcoming $50/bottle, 24 per person limit beer, release date to be announced. “We really stopped asking questions sometime around 2011, they know what’s best for the industry,” assistant brewer Michael Wilkerson commented while washing inexpensive Italian wine off of his forearms, “I don’t even drink beer anymore, and hopefully other people will be able to share that joy when they taste the fruits of our hard labor.”

1

Kuhnhenn Blueberry Eisbock, If Someone Says “Lagers Are Boring” Show them this shit

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I love reading beer forums when some is like “lagers are all boring, why do they make them” and I just LOL myself and jump in my Scrooge McDuck vault of crazy ass lagers. I thought that I reviewed the 2007 Raspberry Eisbock for you assholes, but upon further reflection, after drinking at 15.5% abv tiny penis bottle I somehow forgot to type up a 900 word review. Imagine that. Anyway, this is even better and I cannot thank SurlytheDuff enough for this massive hookup. This was a 215 bottle release, $30 a bottle, 1 per person. Now add the midwest factor and we are talking shitstorm of the century,

Just my berries, no twigs. No stems no seeds no sticks. Put it in the air.

Just my berries, no twigs. No stems no seeds no sticks. Put it in the air.

Kuhnhenn Brewing Company
Michigan, United States
Eisbock | 15.50% ABV

A: This looks like hardcore IHOP blueberry syrup and you wouldn’t be totally out of line drizzling this over some bread pudding or a stack of hot cakes. Look at that deep purple, regal in Imperial garb, deep violet tones coupled with a plum darkness. If you want carbonation, maybe you fucking forgot that we are dealing with Kuhnhenn here. If you signed up to this beer expecting massive head or sheeting, maybe you work QC for Hair of the Dog or something. Nobody got time for that.

Slaying 200 bottle releases and 12oz bottles that are 1 per person AND $30 a piece? berry thuggish.

Slaying 200 bottle releases and 12oz bottles that are 1 per person AND $30 a piece? berry thuggish.

S: This smells like a fresh jar of smuckers. Srs. You get this deep blackberry, plum, blueberry, jam, straight preserves to the dome spot. Again, imagine blueberry syrup with a light fusel aspect on the backend that some assholes would liken to Grape Robitussin, but I wouldn’t cast that dark a pallor on it. If you have ever had a huge American Cabernet and it comes across like boysenberries, that is how this is. Fucking massive.

T: This is exceedingly sweet and is seriously like taking jams and jellies straight to the dome piece in a blueberry factorial manner. You ever read that book “Blueberries for Sal” and wish that everyone was super wasted and that the bears ate the children? Well Kuhnhenn can make that happen for you. This has an incredible fresh produce taste to it way beyond the adjunct berry tastes that often occur in other beers. I can imagine that this cost a shitload of money to brew and the massive waft of alcohol on the backend makes it clear that this is not for the uninitiated. Some people might be like “wahhh this tastes like cough syrup” or complain that they have to take insulin before drinking this, but it’s like, grow a pair and get berry wasted. AMIRITE?

This beer may seem sweet and crude at first blush, but maybe it is way ahead of its time? Think about that shit.

This beer may seem sweet and crude at first blush, but maybe it is way ahead of its time? Think about that shit.

M: This is as heavy as the cast of Designing Women and just lays around the palate like a viscous syrup, painting your tongue blue and purple. As it warms the fusel notes become more evident and the alcoholic waft loses that restraint but with that territory comes a deeper jamminess from the berries so it gives with one berry and plucks from the pail with another. Some would say that these Eisbocks are too saccharine and sweet but the light tannins and the huge juiciness to them keep this from being a Blueberries for Sal journey into the Candy Cane forest.

D: I am in the absolute minority here, and I know it, but I feel that these beers have far more utility than a mere 3 ounce pour that most people adhere to. If you take the time to let this beer open up and you drink some of it EIS CODE and then let it warm to the high 50’s you will go on a wonderful drunken journey that will likely be documented in the Police Report the next morning. Grip your twig and berries and lock this bitch down. Tag team it, film yourselves tag teaming it, put it on you tube, lick your fingers and talk about how sweet it was. Fucking weirdos.

The produce in this beer is taunting, strangely seductive.

The produce in this beer is taunting, strangely seductive.

Narrative: Jacob Lowbush was in quite the dilemma. He walked up the entryway in a dapper azure suit with a sweet DKNY cologne wafting through the air. “WELL THERE YOU ARE JACOB!” Keira’s mother exclaimed and accepted his bouquet of blue hibiscii flowers. Jacob’s lavender patent leather shoes creaked on the dark teak floor and he wrung his handkerchief sweetly and stammered out his wild confession. “Ms. Coccoros, you see, I am sweet on you, well no, that’s not how it is, see, I like you, and painting your fence violet and picking all your wild berries on your property, that was right aimed at getting closer to you, not….not Keira.” As he pushed out this confession the portly Keira was rounding the banister and the frame creaked from her indulgent corpulence. “BUH HUH HUH BAHHH” she sobbed and pounded steps back up to her room. Ms. Coccoros threw the basket of freshly picked blackberries onto the ground and stamped them in a sweetly controlled rage. “NOW YOU SEE HERE MR. LOWBUSH-” she began and took a deep pull of boysenberry liqueur “I am a distinguished women, whose daughter happens to have a glandural problem. You sir can take your sweet nothings and cast off.” Jacob picked a stray seed from his navy blue cumberbun and lowered his head sweetly. He would return after she drained the contents of the berry liqueur and get up in those jammy jams.

1

Central Waters Fifteen, Because Sometimes that 14 month barrel aging just isn’t enough, you need older.

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Some of you may remember way back in the day when I slayed Fourteen14fouRteeeen and may be wondering “why the fuck even bother? Isn’t this just the same beer aged in barrels for a little bit longer?” And yes, you would be correct in that picayune, but here at DDB we have a completionist mentality. If there is some tan wale out there making wavez, I am going to slay it even if it only slightly rocks my boat. This was a 1800 bottle release, but people be acting like this is some Hill Farmstead 180 bottle release.

If you ever want to land a midwest wale, just use this simple formula:

Take your current beer, multiply the bottle count by 10, cut the cost in half, and pretend you bought it at a BevMo. You now will be in the correct mindstate to trade with someone from Illinois.

For example, you want this 1800 bottle, 15$ banger?

Hill Farmstead Norma would be a 7500 bottle release, $10, available off the shelf, so you better add something to land this midwest wale.

About to John 3:16 the fuck out of a midwest hypemachine.

About to John 3:16 the fuck out of a midwest hypemachine.

Enough pontificating about hypothetical shit, let’s see if this is worth the hype.

Just laying there all flaccid not giving a shit, no foam or sticky lacing.

Just laying there all flaccid not giving a shit, no foam or sticky lacing.

Central Waters Brewing Company
Wisconsin, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 11.00% ABV

A: This looks basically the same at 1414, I mean, you aren’t taking this beer out to a sea food dinner. It is all murky and exhibits that classic Central Waters “why the fuck is this so thin” sort of ambivalence that you have come to expect from their BB Stout and BB Barleywine, so why should their anniversary beer be any different? This looks a lot like Parabola, if Parabola had a defective cap and let the carb out and had way less residual coating to it. You know, just shittier really.

Barrels make most beers better so more time makes good beers better unless it is this beer, hmmm. Paradox detected.

Barrels make most beers better so more time makes good beers better unless it is this beer, hmmm. Paradox detected.

S: This comes out swinging with a bourbon haymaker that almost dominates all other aspects of this beer. It has that sticky sweet caramel sort of vanilla overload in its presentation that some older vintages of Four Roses seem to exhibit and this beer is all barrel. I don’t say that in the Kuhnhenn way, I mean that the base beer is so thin that it is like when Persian people put huge ass ionic/doric/neoclassical columns in front of their tiny houses and the complete lack of balance is evident. This also has a melted tootsie roll, milk chocolate, whoppers, and movie candy sort of backend to it that is really pleasant, yet toes the line of the beetus that Dark Lord loves to serve up. Note, this beer is worlds better than DERK LERD so don’t get it twisted.

After all the hype, tasted this beer and my face be all like

After all the hype, tasted this beer and my face be all like

T: This is so heavy on the barrel that you wonder what the base beer even tasted like at this point. It goes heat, caramel, marshmallow, cadburry creme egg, chocolate, rolo, sixlet, and finishes with a huge blast of Buffalo Trace sort of candy dryness to it. Again, the lack of balance just kinda makes you long for a Parabola, since they seem so comparable in theory. This would be right in the world class leagues with that accessible ass Parabola, if not for its lack of char, roast, tobacco, or complexity beyond cocoa sweetness and straight up bourbon. This is still a great beer, but a huge caveat is warranted before I go getting people all throbbing at the shaft to trade for this.

M: This is exceedingly thin and perhaps the lengthy barrel treatment mellowed out some of the residual sugars or the complexity. The sheeting is minimal and thankfully, the heat from the bourbon is not as hot as the flavor profile, otherwise you would have some crazy Chevy Nova II with a big ass engine and no stability to balance this beast out. There was a stickiness on the backend like you ate a shitload of Hershey’s bars, but again it wasn’t a diabetic bomb in sum.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable in the way that the Pacers are exceedingly watchable, but you dont exactly fall in love with either. If this were more accessible, I would probably give it high marks for the ambitious barrel time and bourbon forward character, but this elusive beast is like the opposite of the Foothill Brewing “4 months in a barrel” philosophy and suffers as a result. I think in this instance the time in the barrel hardened this stout into a straight lifer, spending time in the SHU, shanking other stouts in the shower. Shit like that. If Foothill and Central Waters did a collabo, shit would turn out JUUUUUSTTT RIGHT, straight Goldilocks style.

Put a beer in a barrel for long and it gets worse? Pic related.

Put a beer in a barrel for longer and it gets worse? Pic related.

Narrative: I was going to put together a narrative about a guy who took too long to graduate from undergrad and parallel it to his inability to function in society, i.e. referencing barrel time and shit, but oh well, here is a list of my favorite things beer nerds say on forums, feel free to add your own in the comments section of my webzone:

“It isn’t the bottle count, it’s how many traders bought it that creates the value, that being said, can I interest you in a BA Abraxas?”

“Yeah, b1 was better, i feel like at release this beer had fallen off”

“GREAT TRADER ALERT< Hopmolester69 sent me all the agreed upon beers AND SOME EXTRAS!"

"hey guize, let's compare this hoppy red ale and this borderline triple IPA, WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE MORE THOUGH?"

"Lol I don't even need Citra when I can just buy Lagunitas Maximus off the shelf! You traders are suckers!"

"This King Henry has notes of chocolate, char, roast, tobacco, and leather. I don't drink barleywines but I am confident that this is a perfect example of an english barleywine."

"WHAT WAS THE BEER THAT STARTED YOUR LOVE FOR CRAFT BEER? also how do i use the search function?"

"This waiter/server/bartender did not even know the alkaline properties of the water profile of a beer they were serving HAS ANYONE ELSE ENCOUNTERED REALLY IGNORANT SERVICE WHILE ORDERING A BEER????"

"I know this beer was sent to 13 states and had a 13,000 bottle count, but my section 8 liquor store only got 2 cases, SO IT IS RARE TO ME! ISO: Ann"

"Anyone had this 2 year old coffee stout, CBS, IT IS DRINKING AMAZING RIGHT NOW, coffee and bourbon are finally gone!"

7

Oh Great, Another Fucking Ancient Recipe Beer.

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Hey guize, guess what, they found another ancient example of a beer, and sure enough, they are going to recreate this shit found at the bottom of some Finnish ocean.

More stupid fucking rebrews of ancient ales

It seems like every 3 or 4 months the beer world gets another stupid ass release from an established brewery predicated on an ANCIENT RECIPE. These stories always get picked up by dumbass mainstream news outlets like Huffington post and the rest of the hardcore beer nerds have to suffer through questions about these shitty beers. I am all for innovation, but innovation and recreation for sheer marketing’s sake are usually done at the expense of taste. Have you ever read some of the recipes for these beers? It is always like “cardamom, jasmine, muddled figs, muscat grapes, saffron, annatto and pottery fragments.”

The worst part of these bottled gimmicks isn’t that they taste like complete afterbirth, it is the pull that it enacts on the “normal” beer drinking world. They will stumble into a Whole Foods and “TRY SOEMTHING NEW FOR A CHANEG!” and invariably hate it. Then the beer nerds are left to reap the spoils of their shitty releases. I can’t tell you how many times I have been at NAMBLA fundraisers and someone will always chime in with “OH I HAD THAT REMAKE OF THE EGYPTIAN BEER, IT TASTED LIKE I TONGUE FUCKED A WASP’S NEST” and suddenly I have to defend Dogfish Head Midas Touch for its innovation or whatever else.

God.

God.

Fucking.

Fucking.

Damnit.

Damnit.

You know why people brewed these bizarre beers in the first place? It wasn’t because they tasted so fucking amazing, they brewed them because:

1) Their water was fucking poisonous
2) Their local ingredients were the only fermentable sugars available
3) Their lives under slavery/serfdom/fealty/feudalism were completely shitty and
4) Drinking anything to get drunk in those days was probably pretty legit.

Just because something DID EXIST doesn’t mean it needs to continue to exist. Furthermore, most of these recipes are bastardized versions of the ancient beers anyway. If you want to go hard fucking core, brew that in Phoenician pottery casks in Damascus and leave that shit in the sun to contact ferment. None of this pussy Whitelabs or House cultures, go balls deep in the ancient world.

They don’t do this with any other artisanal products, no one except people at Lilith Fair are weaving clothing with rough hemp, no one is trying to nail that delicious Hard Tack recipe from the French Enlightenment. This garbage is unnecessary.

You want people to know how it felt to get feided during the Third Crusade under Richard I straight plundering Acre? Then brew the beer exactly as shitty as it was back then. Don’t drop these esoteric ingredients into weak base beers and expect people to have their shafts pumping at your innovation. You are the fucking Pontiac Aztek of the beer world. No one asked for you, and it is the stretchmarked mantitted beer nerds that suffer the effects.

8

Ok, We Get It, You Love Hops, Now Shut The Fuck Up.

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I love when people get into craft beer and walk that magical journey down the path of exploration. It is like being in 8th grade and stroking it for the first time to an episode of Lazy Town and entering a brave new world of autoeroticism. The only problem with people who just enter the beer scene are all the johnny come latelies who are fucking obsessed with hops. It is a plant, we get it, you love hop puns, you love that resinous taste. Why do us other beer drinkers have to listen to all of your verbal jism casting thick heavy ropes on our ears?

There is a cadre of these assholes in any beer community, always comparing Heady to Pliny, Dreadnaught to Hopslam, Nugget Nectar to whateverthefuck. Most of the time they aren’t even the same style of IPA, much less style of beer in the first place. Just stop it. You don’t see people into Gose always talking about Leipzig and whose is the saltiest and OMG comparing gose vintages, no it’s always the same assholes: hopheads. The next time you see these guys, start obessessing about another minor aspect of beers like water profiles, get all rock hard over alkaline profiles and mouthswish, “OMG THE MICROCARBONATION COATING FROM THE BOTTLE CONDITIONING GUYSSSS” see how they like it. I just don’t get why people choose to focus on an aromatic plant and worship the shit out of it. No gueuzeheads are scribbling acid molecules in their binders or talking about musk profile in the same way that hop obsessors do.

Go to any shitty Cafe Press shirt site for beer and there are always a ton of these hop shirt like “HOPtimum Enjoyment” “HOP TO IT!” or “Registered Sexual HOPfender” or some shit. I get it, play on a single word, very clever.

Here let me help you out, if you are that fixated on hops, here is a shirt design for you all to dream about, wear this to the next Beer Release or Tasting:

AHHH MY HOP CONE IS BUSTING WITH STICK OILSSSS BROOOOOOOOOOOO

AHHH MY HOP CONE IS BUSTING WITH STICK OILSSSS BROOOOOOOOOOOO