Ok, We Get It, You Love Hops, Now Shut The Fuck Up.

I love when people get into craft beer and walk that magical journey down the path of exploration. It is like being in 8th grade and stroking it for the first time to an episode of Lazy Town and entering a brave new world of autoeroticism. The only problem with people who just enter the beer scene are all the johnny come latelies who are fucking obsessed with hops. It is a plant, we get it, you love hop puns, you love that resinous taste. Why do us other beer drinkers have to listen to all of your verbal jism casting thick heavy ropes on our ears?

There is a cadre of these assholes in any beer community, always comparing Heady to Pliny, Dreadnaught to Hopslam, Nugget Nectar to whateverthefuck. Most of the time they aren’t even the same style of IPA, much less style of beer in the first place. Just stop it. You don’t see people into Gose always talking about Leipzig and whose is the saltiest and OMG comparing gose vintages, no it’s always the same assholes: hopheads. The next time you see these guys, start obessessing about another minor aspect of beers like water profiles, get all rock hard over alkaline profiles and mouthswish, “OMG THE MICROCARBONATION COATING FROM THE BOTTLE CONDITIONING GUYSSSS” see how they like it. I just don’t get why people choose to focus on an aromatic plant and worship the shit out of it. No gueuzeheads are scribbling acid molecules in their binders or talking about musk profile in the same way that hop obsessors do.

Go to any shitty Cafe Press shirt site for beer and there are always a ton of these hop shirt like “HOPtimum Enjoyment” “HOP TO IT!” or “Registered Sexual HOPfender” or some shit. I get it, play on a single word, very clever.

Here let me help you out, if you are that fixated on hops, here is a shirt design for you all to dream about, wear this to the next Beer Release or Tasting:

AHHH MY HOP CONE IS BUSTING WITH STICK OILSSSS BROOOOOOOOOOOO

AHHH MY HOP CONE IS BUSTING WITH STICK OILSSSS BROOOOOOOOOOOO

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8 thoughts on “Ok, We Get It, You Love Hops, Now Shut The Fuck Up.

  1. I’ve been in this industry for 8+ years in brand management and marketing (having my hand in every aspect of the trade), dealing with craft beer specifically; imagine how I feel when having to deal with these cretins on a daily basis. Oh, and it gets 1,000x worse when they pass that stupid 60-question Cicerone test …..

    • oh god, I would never want to have to work at a beer bar and listen to that nonsense all day long. Assholes who sell tires for a living come in and put their monocles on and get their tiny bit of condescending revelry by jazzing about some minor aspect of a beer. that shit cray.

      • That’s why I avoid beer bars; I’d rather hang out at a sports bar who just happens to have a decent beer line-up … better environment and better people. I met a guy recently who asked my wife (she helps) if she knew which hops and malts we used in our black IPA, and he wanted to know all of them. So she grabs me and I answer his question CORRECTLY as he condescendingly listens while swirling his beer in his glass, then sips and says “no, no those aren’t in here …” First off, I was PISSED that he asked my wife that question knowing she couldn’t give him the answer (even though she knows how to brew), but he pissed me off more when he told me I was WRONG when talking about my product.

      • There’s a saying in this industry … “when things stop becoming fun, you know there’s something wrong with this industry.” There is no fun with beer geeks, they take the enjoyment out of beer.

  2. did, you say hops? have I ever told you what my favorite thing in the world is?? well its actually sex, then weed, then beer, but if its beer, its gotta be hoppy!! I am not talking whimpy euro hops, I am talking grade AAA BIG DICK AMERICAN hops! I mean talk about something you want in your mouth… anyway all this hop talk is making me want to go have sex with my woman and smoke some medicine, I’ll come back and finish my thoughts after this pliny, If I don’t drink it in the next 5 minutes it’ll turn into a drain pour.

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