Happy April Fool’s Day, I put Kvass in your fleshlight.
Put your pitchfork down and shut the fuck up for a moment. The second I posted a picture of this beer all these prediabetic beer nerds started sweating through their screen print tee’s in anger. Yes, I know this beer is made by a company that is a subsidiary of MillerCoors, but it is also fucking delicious. Beer assholes get all up in arms about corporate responsibility and turn beer into a watered down punk rock movement not realizing they are arguing about fucking sugar water. The same people who lambast awesome breweries like AC Golden take InBev into their mouths until completion and stroke Goose Island on the reg. So today, let’s talk about a fucking GABF medal winning, amazing stout, OK?
AC Golden Brewing Company
Colorado, United States
Russian Imperial Stout | ABV ?
A: This pours a deep mahogany that is black at the center with that deep mocha foam that I love to see in all my Barista snuff films. The lacing is substantial and abated by the generous legs and clear sheeting on the glass. The ABV is not listed but given the residual sugars and how they get the shit womped out of them by the coating on the alcohol, I would peg this somewhere in the 12 to 13% range. It looks like if Stone IRS boned Huna, and theiy beautiful whiskey baby came out already swearing.
S: This is unmistakably whiskey forward with barrel tossing haymakers, making some sweet chin music. There is a baker’s chocolate, confectioner’s sugar, nestle chips, and basically an entire bakery up in my nose just nasal fucking me senseless. But in a good way, that brownie batter is welcomed. The barrel closes this out with a bit of astringency that is often found in those aggressive ass whiskey treatments. Rye on Rye is one of the biggest offenders in this regard. Nice blend of the sweet and the domestic violence, like beating someone’s ass in a candy shop drinking Johnny Walker.
T: This leads with the sweet cocoa and that dry roast first and almost reminds me of some kind of a Darkness variant with the bitterness to the malts and the deep char that serves as the floorboards for that barrel treatment to go apeshit on. The whiskey aspects round out the experience with a bit of vanilla and a scratchy crackle that those who have had Hangar 24 Hammerhead or Pugachev’s Cobra will be familiar with. This isn’t overly fusel, if only because of the generous sweetness at the outset that helps daddy take his medicine.
M: This coats like Behr and leaves a bukkake coat of chocolate goodness on the inside of your mouth. The whiskey aspects linger a bit longer than I would have liked but adds a layer of complexity that is welcome, particularly in a world of 3-4 month barrel treatments. You gotta keep it inside longer if you want beer nerds to drop their loads. The mouthfeel has this incredibly fine carbonation that reminds me of a UK style nitro stout, but I know that’s not the case, just being baller as fuck in this regard.
D: This is exceptionally drinkable and the only real aspect that slows down unabashed alcoholism is the whiskey profile clubbing people and keeping you in check. That mouthfeel and the smooth sweetness make this staggeringly drinkable, especially if you have this around 50 degrees, at higher temps, whiskey staggers forward and starts grabbing asses and slapping titties. Some people are into that though.
Narrative: Little Nauru wasn’t exactly a tourist destination. To be more accurate it was the least visited country on the face of the entire planet. They had amazing confections and an admirable local spirit program going on, especially for being a little island people of 8,000 souls. “NO ONE GIVES US A FUCKING CHANCE!” Mayor Jayurbi exclaimed while sipping an exotic, amazing liqueur while looking out over the huge sulfate mines. “People just stigmatize Little Naru as some 8.1 square mile strip mine and don’t see that we have artistry, we aren’t a hand of an impersonal corporation!” The chocolates were delicious and arranged at the visitor center next to an array of ambrosial treats. “PEOPLE VISIT BANGUI MORE THAN OUR COUNTRY! And they are in the middle of a fucking CIVIL WAR,” the mayor fumed and looked out upon the abundant, promiscuous local women. “I guess if those closeminded assholes wont give us a try, we can remain in Little Naru enjoying delicious things and fuck all to the rest of them!” Mayor Jayurbi exclaimed and took a deep pull of whiskey, organically distilled and completely amazing.