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Ok, We Get It, You Love Hops, Now Shut The Fuck Up.

I love when people get into craft beer and walk that magical journey down the path of exploration. It is like being in 8th grade and stroking it for the first time to an episode of Lazy Town and entering a brave new world of autoeroticism. The only problem with people who just enter the beer scene are all the johnny come latelies who are fucking obsessed with hops. It is a plant, we get it, you love hop puns, you love that resinous taste. Why do us other beer drinkers have to listen to all of your verbal jism casting thick heavy ropes on our ears?

There is a cadre of these assholes in any beer community, always comparing Heady to Pliny, Dreadnaught to Hopslam, Nugget Nectar to whateverthefuck. Most of the time they aren’t even the same style of IPA, much less style of beer in the first place. Just stop it. You don’t see people into Gose always talking about Leipzig and whose is the saltiest and OMG comparing gose vintages, no it’s always the same assholes: hopheads. The next time you see these guys, start obessessing about another minor aspect of beers like water profiles, get all rock hard over alkaline profiles and mouthswish, “OMG THE MICROCARBONATION COATING FROM THE BOTTLE CONDITIONING GUYSSSS” see how they like it. I just don’t get why people choose to focus on an aromatic plant and worship the shit out of it. No gueuzeheads are scribbling acid molecules in their binders or talking about musk profile in the same way that hop obsessors do.

Go to any shitty Cafe Press shirt site for beer and there are always a ton of these hop shirt like “HOPtimum Enjoyment” “HOP TO IT!” or “Registered Sexual HOPfender” or some shit. I get it, play on a single word, very clever.

Here let me help you out, if you are that fixated on hops, here is a shirt design for you all to dream about, wear this to the next Beer Release or Tasting:

AHHH MY HOP CONE IS BUSTING WITH STICK OILSSSS BROOOOOOOOOOOO

AHHH MY HOP CONE IS BUSTING WITH STICK OILSSSS BROOOOOOOOOOOO