0

Ballast Point Sculpin, Pineapple Fragmentary Hop Grenade

|

Ok with all these weird ass beers, I need to hit my roots and add some staple beers to the old wheelhouse. You know ones you can actually go out and buy.N00b sh14.

Back when I started this blog, beer picture taking was in its infancy. Precious.

Ballast Point Sculpin IPA 7.0%

A: This pours with much pageantry, small bubbles, foam cascading like a 1930’s musical and not a single atonal note audible. It has a deep orange character that initially you expect a DIPA, then Sculpin gets all hood and shows you how single IPAs roll. You look deep into the swirling tiny bubbles and moderate lacing, you look back at the receipt reading $5.99; did you just discover the Marvin Gardens of beer? Yes; yes you just did. It has nice lacing and foam, at this price you can sling them against the wall and test all kinds of nonsense.

S: There’s a pronounce grapefruit and this beer, fresh, is the king of citrus notes. I cannot say enough good things about this beer when it is extremely fresh and it swings its deep drying citrus ague all over the place. Oh I am sorry, not a fan of drying deep juice and tart acidity? Well best move on, back to the east coast CAPTAIN BALANCE.

T: Speaking of Captain Balance, aside from the fact that, he’s our hero, gonna take IPAs down to zero; he is not present here. Here we have a beer that from the get go imparts a huge floral note, then cloisters back into juicy citrus notes and then- that’s it. You wait for more repeated blows to the head and chest but it subsides, like a cool tropical storm. Then you want more.

What this beer lacks in variety, it makes up for in intensity and relentlessly ignorant fans.

M: This rolls in like a low tide, nice maltiness at first that expands, releases its botanical droppings, then retreats. You aren’t left sitting around what happened, more likely you are considering how and when someone drank your 3 bombers of Sculpin. The next section of this coping phase is determining who left a pizza pocket in the microwave and determining where your pants are. We have all been there.

D: Oh, wait a second, let me hand a syllabus to captain obvious who showed up late. WHOSE CREDENTIALS I SERIOUSLY DOUBT. Well, captain obvious, this is a drinkable beer. The scary part is that this beer is like the Chinese military in that it is exceptionally capable and numerous beyond belief. This beer is everywhere and sought after universally. I don’t know what else to say about this beyond that it is the best SINGLE IPA, that I have ever had. Some may argue its ABV and OG and PLATOS place it in the DIPA range but, those people are all home brewers/virgins, so we will relegate them to iCarly and continue to review beers like adults do.

This beer is scary drinkable. MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN.

Narrative: The fish appeared slowly at first. They were reported within the streams of Michigan, then amongst the river beds within southern Kentucky. Soon all were pulling record “catches” and consuming huge game accordingly. What they did not know that the time was that the evolution of the punnet square had out evolved even gregor mendel himself. Put simply, this breed of fish had learned to feed on wild hop beds in the beds of nearly any algae, and offer itself up to sacrifice. The intense neurotoxins within the hypothalamus of the fish made the consumer feel as though they had done something exceptional. The fishing increased, as did the intense hop concentration. “I write to you now from a concentrated bunker in Utah, one of the only territories protected from hops, but, I smell the amazing grapefruit hops, maybe just a single bi-” AUDIO L0G DISC0nTINUED, ver 2.34t5

0

Dogfish Head Pangaea, Some things are kept separate for a reason.

|

Well after a brief respite, we are back on the grizzy, young brewing bring it back.

Some things are best left separate.

Dogfish Head Pangaea Ale, Belgian strong pale ale 7%

A: very little carbonation, thin light yellow color, slightly dark blonde at top with pilsner apple juice clarity at thinner side of glass, this 1/2 finger head that subsides quickly, light lacing. It could be anything, but only God’s ontological plan knows the true nature of this hateful potation.

It's hard to party with this socially awkward beer.

S: sweet with notes of breads and ginger, candied rice notes, sugary aromas, ginger, ginger, ginger, sugar, and ginger. Also, notes of ginger.

T: The taste is sweet, overridingly so, the sweet notes dominate any maltiness and gives it an almost sugar/malted beverage character, like cider with cane sugar instead of wine/grape notes. its like biting into a gingerbread pastry with the vapor of ginger that lingers long after swallow. It doesn’t get much easier with temp increase, the sugar notes cancel any alcohol or maltiness, there’s very little hops to balance it out, it reminds me almost of the sweetness of mead when it is transferred from the primary to secondary. If it wasn’t so fucking strange, it would seem to be unbalanced or unintentional.

Breaking news, strange beers are afoot, and they are not worth the cost of entry.

M: the mouthfeel is very thin, it would be better if there was some maltiness to balance out the indomitable sweetness. ginger does not belong in beer in this manner. Its like a gingerbread man stomps on the tip of my tongue and scurries down my throat, noting that I will be unable to catch him, true to form.

D: This is exceptionally undrinkable, very rarely do I open a 22oz and wish that it was only a 12oz. I cannot see someone sitting through more than 2 of these, if not sharing the single bottle. It taints my entire palate and makes me welcome something more balanced. If this were a Mario Kart racer, it would be Bowser, but instead of speed, a syrupy sweetness would be his overloaded statistic, much to my chagrin.

Ginger to the domepiece, finally a beer for 3rd world children.

Narrative: That son of a bitch, how dare he show his face in here. “Welcome to Anthropologie” you grit through your teeth. looking at his pastel pink suit, that candyman child molesting son of a bitch. “Don’t I…hey dont I know you from somewhere?” He smells like candied gauze and his scent is gagging sweetness. “Didn’t you used to come to my candy shop all the ti-” he accidentally knocks a vase from the shelf with his gaudy cane. Oh great, now this sweet ginger asshole is ruining your merchandise. “No must be another…sir please, dont drink soda on the rugs” What an inconsiderate prick, getting his syrupy hands all over your things, regailing you with stories of his old candy shop. “NO OK STOP JUST NO, you arent welcome here” “WHY I WAS JUST TRYING T-” NO DONT LISTEN TO HIM. He is grating on your nerves and smells like a Central Valley carnival with saccharine sweetness choking you. “I tried ok…I really tried, there’s nothing here for you, just leave.” And like that, he left, only, that was only the first sip of this gentleman, and you see the tourbus idling in the parking lot. The series of pastel suits filing into the store is not unopressive.

2

Dogfish Head World Wide Stout, He’s Got the Whole World, In His Liver.

|

Happy New Year. Here’s the perfect beer to read about while you feel like shit.

This is a perfect treat for those who shy away from excess and seek moderate and balanced libation. Psyche.

I am pretty sure that this isn't WWS, but, after drinking it, I have absolutely no recollection.

Dogfishead Worldwide Stout 18% abv, Imperial Stout

A: Liquid ink, with an angry pallour. I am unsure if ink can be pissed off, but I feel like the slight bubbles are mocking me but they rise slowly and linger as if they dont care in their murky depths. There’s some carbonation but it is spiteful in nature. It doesn’t want to be here, it needs another 5 years of rest but here I am, bothering it and shit.

S: It is like a cup of melted licorice and coffee with a soysauce kicker adding an impartial dryness. it feels like the negligent judge from the karate kid movies is just letting me get destroyed sip after sip without regard. There’s a crazy heat to the nose that isn’t bad, just feels like the colors of a monarch butterfly, I shouldn’t be going after this.

I couldn't imagine trying to get anything done after a couple of these merkers.

T: My mouth basically goes through a blue phase and 14 year old Korn fans invade with murky aggression. Tons of coffee that bodyslams the toffee notes that gets leg locked by the drying chocolate. It is summerslam 2011 in your bitter zones and there can be only one. I end up tapping out, I can’t hang with this level of coffee/cocoa abuse. There’s a nice waft of heat and sweet dryness to level off the experience. Shit was so cash.

M: Again, it is absurd and so over the top that the coating takes centerstage. It sets up some good old fashion 19th century imperialism and your molars are rife with its grasp. Be prepared to tell your friends about it and exhale in their face and let them enjoy the magic firstnose. This is the perfect beer if you want to look and smell like a negligent ass parent, great for pre-soccer game festivities for sure.

The world becomes a dangerous place with the World Wide Stout.

D: Absolute failure. No one can drink more than one of these if only on a dare or some fraternal rite of passage. I cannot imagine someone finishing one of these and hankering for another. The entire experience is a chocolate iron maiden with pin and needles just crushing you with inky maltiness.

Narrative: Guillermo had been a janitor at Falling Springs high school for over 13 years, but he held a harrowing secret. He was the darkest individual ever conceived, born with a curse. While the students saw a wayward janitor, this gentleman was born with the curse of humor. You see while he observed the students in their rakish behavior his mind constantly crafted the funniest jokes ever conceived. “Please just, dont dump the chocolate milk in the lockers…ok thank you…” His protestations were fallow seeds cast on infertile ground. No one wanted him there but deep inside he knew his dark secret, internally crafting the most majestic jokes ever, but not sharing him. That was the source of his evil, entirely depriving others of inherent joy. Guillermo was uncaring in his turpentine dispensation. He grit his teeth to suppress the complex pun he crafted and mopped the chocolate milk from the adolescent crime scene.

0

Three Floyd’s Pride and Joy, Not sure if false advertising.

|

It's not exactly prideful, but it can lead to mild joy.

This beer is incredibly tame and sessionable, like how I can watch like 51 episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker in a row and feel all shitty about myself and need to make up something that I did over the weekend on Monday. It has a nice hoppy pine presence that is balanced with the light cracker taste from the malt. They should sell these in 3L bottles, my single bottle was gone almost immediately, no complaints though, BREWS GONNA GET DRILLED, that’s how it goes in the wasteland. The little peppery citrus notes and great for sipping in a paper bag near your local YMCA.

This is a good beer. Picture unrelated.

0

Cigar City Guava Grove, Honduran Kisses for All the Children

|

It's like that time you stole guavas from that Bolivian guy and he cried a single hateful tear.

Cigar City Brewing, Guava Grove Saison, 8% abv

Ok Cigar City has a serious naming problem, you open this up and it is way closer to an American Wild Ale than a saison. Identity crisis. You get a huge waft of pineapple, guava, melon, and great musky yard clippings. The taste has an amazing acidity and I could drink this all day. This is a great beer to mix up with your creatine, n0x and glutamine to get a sick juiced pump before a workout. But in all seriousness, the tartness and drying finish makes this almost akin to a white wine but with a dope ass malty complexity.

Tank a whole bottle of this to your domepiece and you'll be posted like a wet hedgehog. Super chill.

0

Cigar City Brewing, Either/Or, Soren Kierkegaard is So Pissed Rite Now Guize.

|

Oh I get it, Either and Or are the same beer, existential paradigm shift FOR MAXIMUM LULZ!

Cigar City Brewing, 11% abv Black Ale

This should just calls itself a stout and stop lying to its parents. It has a nice malty chocolate smokiness to it with a fantastic clean finish. I really like the tobacco notes within the malt. The beer stole some notes from Schelling’s Philosophy of Revelation and it seems like Either/Or is brewed with the one recipe Soren Kierkegaard used in the mid-1800’s. You know? It’s like on one hand we have a beer from Florida, renowned for hedonism, then we have the rest of the country, inclined to careful reflection. BUT I STILL WANT TO MASH ON THIS. An inherent dichotomy presents itself.

I would def. recommend picking this up and sharing it with some of your hippy friends and watch the metaphysical arguments spin out of control.

this beer didn't solve Problem of Evil inherent in existence, NOT EVEN MAD THO.

0

Telegraph Brewing Gypsy Ale, GYPSY CURSES ABOUND

|

Telegraph Gypsy ale, the perfect beer to take with you before you move to Hungary and begin an Oliver Twist career of pickpocketing handkerchiefs.

Telegraph Gypsy Ale, 8% abv, American Wild Ale

This beer has a nice tartness to it with a sour cherry and grape tannin note to it that is crisp but juicy at the same time, like Lil B’s intricate rap verses. There’s a rad plum taste that I shared with some bros while watching a Cal game, they told me that it tasted like juice, WHICH IS PRETTY OKAY.

I would read again, 5/5, recommend to casual acquaintance. Move to Romania, start slanging plums.

This beer had a good idea, but took some missteps in execution.

0

The Bruery Run BMC

|

I drank the first half in a legit fashion, then played beerpong with the other half. Patrick Rue would be proud. THE BRINGBACKS WERE NOT INSUBSTANTIAL.

The Bruery Run BMC Imperial Pilsner, 7% abv

This beer is a slap in the face to the bud/miller/coors (BMC) kids for several reasons: first, it gets you pretty twisted for a pilsner, it is QUADRUPLE HOPPED, comes in a fancy bottle, and you can’t drink it while on a lake. This has all the great qualities of horrible adjunct lager, but then improved across the board with a great biscuit taste and huge hoppy finish that almost dominates the pilsner aspect. Still a sick redcupper for your bros to drill if one of you just bowled a 200 game or some shit.

This beer is uplifting to people's common conceptions of pilsners and sets a new standard.

0

Narragansett Summer Ale, for those about to Sum sum.

|

Did you ever see that movie Contact with Jodie Foster? This beer is about as exciting as that shit.

Nothing really to explain here, it’s a watery, canned, kinda depressing sort of beer. You get a wheat, grassy, grainy taste and then it is over. The perfect beer to enjoy while experiencing an awkward silence with your stepdad on a fishing trip.

I always get these as extras and I am not sure if other people drink these or just pass them on to me to break my balls. It’s like so many other things that the sheer ph7 neutral is difficult to describe. Listen to some Dishwalla or Deep Blue Something while drinking this.

The sheer reality of this beer is simple, but strangely distressing.

0

New Glarus Berliner Weiss, Some Words to the Weis- ARGH

|

I figured since it is the last day of the year, might as well burn out some sick terse reviews to tie up loose ends before another 365 days of telling people not to drink beer.

Here goes:

Wisconsin meets Berlin, with sick results.

This beer is pretty legit, nice tartness with a musky hay funk to the nose. I could session this beer so hard, were I to have any leaves to rake, I would be all over this. There’s a lemon zest and since it is retired, YOU CAN TASTE THE RARE. I guess rare tastes a bit like a sour cheese finish.

This beer is sadly gone, retired, and not easy to come by anymore. colon left parenthesis. Serious gravity.