Voodoo Brewing Company, The K13: Suitable for Tickers grades K through 13

October 30, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

What is the 13th grade? Well it is technically that grade where you are taking City College classes part time but also working on your Ciceron certification. That way when you recommend Hop Devil, the people at Yard House will respect your opinion before they order Chelada. That grade.

First and foremost, huge thanks to Tom aka TRXXPAXXS for trxxpxxxing all over my porch with this rare gem. LYMI.

Well what do we have here? Another baller ass barleywine, business as fucking usual on DDB I guess. But wait, what if I told you it was 258 bottles, 1 per person. What if I said that there’s a string of butthurt analbeads from tickers who couldn’t land it: WHAT THEN? If that isn’t enough, IT WAS AGED IN PAPPY BARRELS = automatic instant wale. Ask Barrel Aged People’s Porter. Just kidding this is way better than that shit. So is this a King Henry destroyer? This didn’t get Rare’s sloppy seconds with pappy and it appears to go in hard. Let’s see if this is any better than those 452 KH gots, slowing fading in closets next to XXXL Northface jackets.

Such SRM, deep tones, many malts to make tastings (bourbon feels)

Voodoo Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
American Barleywine | 13.00% ABV

A: I will be honest and say that this isn’t the prettiest Barleywine on the block. This is straight up American barleywine with those deep muddy mahoganies, Old Ale looking color swaps, and none of those garnet/toffee/dark amber that I like to see but, if Jack Black’s Oscar winning performance in Shallow Hal has taught me anything: go for the bigger ones, they always deliver. Carb is pretty DEEZ, nothing too insane and the whole thing is lock step with BA Behemoth and Arctic Devil. Legit company to keep, for sheeze.

There are plenty of times to skull a 13% Pappy BW solo. While dressed like Tinky Winky is not one of those times.

S: This might be one of the finest BA American barleywines I have ever had. It doesn’t go all sweet fisted with candies, but instead provides more depth from the faded ass hops with malty roast, baked/burned bread, creme brulee torched caramel, baked apples, jammy figs and of. fucking. course. Pappy. The pappy is one of the few barrels that even a weak ass Certified Beer Server could pick out of a 6 pack lineup. You get that mallow foam on your titties, edible vanilla underwear, and oaky KY lube just getting that Pavlovian palate ready and wet.

T: This is barrel forward more than Donkey Kong Country. You get toasted oak drying at the outset, faded hops in the realm of Warrior adding a base for complexity, the same toasted Werther’s original I mentioned above but the entire thing is underscore by a fantastic warmth and barrel presence from them Pappies. Sometimes tits look better in the old brassierre and when you open it up expecting magic, that Pappy bra can’t hold it together. These malty tits are fantastic and present a great interplay of booziness supported by malt and complexity from the base beer’s old hoppy resin. It isn’t exactly a barrel bomb like something in the way of Kuhnhenn BBBW or Alpine Great, but it is its own lil reeeemix that shines, poppin Molly at a barrel aged dubstep show, spilling bourbon all over underaged chicks. The uze.

Whenever I see 1oz pours of a rare barleywine it’s like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

M: This is admittedly hot, but in that toasty “dont be a vulva” sort of way that is compelled by Arctic Devil and the like. If the base beer didn’t have the complexity in the malt and hop profile, this might fall into a “just pretty awesome” realm like Sucaba and others. However, at higher temps this beast shines and stands out like that annoying ass drama student from a broken home. It craves your attention and seeks your approval. The finish is drying from the oak, but again, on the heels of everything else happening in this beer the dryness is a fantastic closer to the bourbon set. You want encores and shit.

D: This is not exceptionally drinkable in the sense of “hey let’s play Ni No Kuni, where did my pants go, fuck I am late for work.” This will get you swerved and it is more cerebral than some of the other offerings in this realm simply because you have at least 4 elements at play asking for your attention. The average taster will cop out and say EHHH ESS TOOO HAWWTTTT and then continue watching Storage Wars or some other bullshit. But for the rest of us, people with conviction and purpose, it is fucking amazing. I highly recommend this and it is well worth that DDG/BA Huna realm that it is trading within. Srs.

This beer will solve all kinds of problems.

Narrative: The sleek aluminum doors opened with a cascade of spinning red lights and exhaust steam from the pneumatic mechanism. Deep within the doors of the misslebay the alarm resounded its wailing call to the acamedic officials waiting below: the time for K13 had arrived. “Professor, the Angel’s Share ignition chamber has been primed, we are ready for primary,” called one lab technician while looking at a spread of blinking monitors. Professor Blanton looked through the plate glass observation window at his passion, his bete noir for almost a decade. “Blanton, they said that bourbon could not be weaponized. They said that carpet assaults of fermented spirits was a violation of the Geneva Convention. I don’t hear any of them now!” he thought to himself as the mechanized countdown began. The city of Glendale for too long knew nothing of bourbon. Its residents basked in deviant repose, enjoying clear alcohols and neglecting Kentucky exports. “TODAY THEY SHALL FEEL THE STING OF PURE BOURBON RAINING FROM ABOVE! ARM THE k13!” Blanton called to the support staff. A sheet of pure distilled energy cascaded in a vibrant amber wave over the Galleria mall.

Drink .rar Barleywines, Stunt hard.

Beer Advocate Announces Bold New Program: Beer Advocate University, Campus Curriculum Aimed at Beer Education

October 24, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

In what some are calling the greatest movement in Beer Education since the establishment of the for-profit Cicerone certification program. Beeradvocate.com founders, Jason and Todd Alstrom, announced early Wednesday morning that, they too, would be entering the world of Beer Academia.

“This is a decision that we have thought long and hard about, and with the massive exodus of some of our most prolific users, we figured now would we be the perfect time to establish a for-profit education system,” said founder, Todd Alstrom while laboriously coding on a Windows ME Pentium desktop.

Pictured above: Preemptively expelled students

The Brothers announced bold new innovations to the beer world with a full staff and curriculum, with a campus forthcoming. “We intend on obtaining the campus shortly after we finish our mobile app, sometime upwards of 2018,” noted Jason Alstrom, while pensively surveying the menu of a downtown Denver Coldstone Creamery. “One of our first moves will be to send out pre-acceptance letters to our 372,513 users. I know this sounds aggressive, but remember, at least 300,000 of these members are inactive or were dropped completely when our servers failed in January 2012. Running a full-time university surely cannot be more difficult than the strict standards we have set forth over the years at BeerAdvocate.com.”

The program is slated to begin with an 86 unit curriculum that will instruct Beer Advocate users in a wide variety of beer-related topics. Traditional day program tuition is projected to be set at $48,000.00 per year. This sum will be largely divested to the Brothers themselves and beer related trips for the faculty. “It really is a big stride for beer in general. We have always respected beer and I think this new program evidences that fact pretty well,” Todd noted while putting the final touches on the course curriculum for the 4,300 active users who still remain on Beeradvocate.com.

Proposed Campus Map, golf carts provided to avoid prolonged ambulation

The courseload consists of 3 seminar classes, each consisting of 9 hour long discussions of strictly pumpkin beers. There also are a variety of elective courses where students are encouraged to discuss hops, hop profiles, and write dissertation papers on endless combinations of “Heady versus Pliny” “Pliny versus Sculpin” “Sculpin versus Zombie Dust” and other sage topics. The history program will feature 24 hour discussion rooms to address the issue as to whether this year’s batch is, in fact, not as good as last year’s batch. The criminal justice program will focus largely on cases of porch-destruction forensics and determining who, in fact, is a bad trader.

In addition to the strict academic program, there will also be voluntary office hours held in the main lecture hall wherein a proctor will hold up a picture of a forthcoming beer and a series of students can chime in loudly whether they will or will not be purchasing said beer. “It really is a critical part of beer culture to maintain a public forum for these things, determining whether or not our students will be purchasing the next batch of Founder’s Breakfast Stout and then vocalizing it loudly. These are important things,” F2brewers noted solemnly.

For those inclined toward economics and the business side of the beer world, there will be seminars for participants to learn the economics of the beer trading world. “Our first goal in teaching economics in the beer framework was to present a total lack of transparency for all concepts” noted resident professor F2Brewers. “For example, let’s say you are unsure if you should trade Parabola, if a student gives you direction in this regard, that student will be promptly expelled,” F2brewers quipped while sketching out some Babylon 5 fan art. “We have controls in place for the first semester wherein the top 1000 scoring students will be promptly expelled and banned from the University. This is a place of learning for mature adults, not a place where someone capriciously executes unwarranted decisions.”

Picture above: hypothetical photo of two proud graduates

The student housing for the Beer Advocate University campus is shaping up to be equally compelling with a “NO PARKING ANYTIME” protocol being enforced for all students. “Todd, he loves to tow cars: students, people trapped in inclement weather, it’s kinda his thing. We figured to recreate the monastic conditions of Trappist brewing we would implement these draconian measures on our own student body,” F2Brewers noted in a particularly verbose moment.

After three years and countless hours spent discussing hop profiles and pumpkin beers, Beer Advocate University hopes to engender its students with a sense of pride and reverence for what they have accomplished. “Just think of the look in your grandfather’s eye when you tell him about the hundreds of readily available off-shelf beers that you rated with 100 words or less. There really is no word for that level of pride, to be sure,” Jason noted encouragingly.

The Alstrom Brothers will begin taking tuition payments in the forthcoming weeks and hope that the actual academic program will begin shortly thereafter, without any guarantees express or implied. “It is our school you know, no one is forcing you to go to school, if you don’t like it, just don’t go to our school. However we will keep all your written coursework as our own, obviously.”

The forthcoming academic year is shaping up to be a bubbling success at Beer Advocate University.

@revbrewchicago Straightjacket, Perfect Thing to Keep Me from Fapping to this Barleywine

October 13, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

If you are surprised that we love barleywines over at DDB, maybe you have been reading all of the weak penis hoppy reviews. Maybe you need to pay attention and stop reading Marie Claire magazine. Who knows, but irregardlessly, BA Barleywines are as dank as that oily redhair. Today’s offshelf baller does not get nearly the love that it deserves. For all the ball breaking that I give Midwest kids, this beer is consistently overlooked and even still lurks on the shelves despite being damn near better than King Henry. I said it. Ruminate on that shit 2012’ers and clean the cream out of your jeans.

Let’s get institutionalized. Alliwantedwasapepsijustonepepsi.

Cardboard box release? Excellent to keep poserpalates away, poor people, and offshelf ballers at bay.
Downside: is hoarded by dipshits in closets as a result.

Revolution Brewing Company
Illinois, United States
American Barleywine | 13.00% ABV
A strong ale to warm your insides in the dead of winter. Deep aromas and flavors of dark stone fruits, bourbon, molasses, toasted coconut and vanilla come in waves.

A: This is a malty affair but has this crispness and radiance to the center like a garnet with no clouds in them stones. The carb is like them soapy foamy carwashes where you know its for a church charity but like, seriously why is she wearing that- you know? The cling is minimal because the alcohol sheeting comes through and zambonies the glass keeping things nice and clean, no skate divets up in this mix.

Don’t worry, Goose Island Bourbon County Barleywine is coming soon. You can try and trade those for whales instead of drinking them too. Keep trying you magnificent failure.

S: This is meant to be savored in a rocking chair, telling younger generations about how when you were younger video games came on “cartridges” and it was acceptable to look down upon IT coders. This has a wonderful plum, sticky fig, pluot, that toasted american oak char to it, all ratcheted together with boozy asscheeks clapping to that 3/4 beat. Sick drops, OH HENRY bars, then closes with them mallow kisses from the alcohol waft. Get ready for complete labiachins to come out and complain about OMG so hawtttt derrr needs tieme to CHILL becase 13% needs to DRINK MORE EASIER. Get the fuck out of here. I was born into the high abv game, you merely adopted it. These are the same fucking sybian riders who open at 16.5% abv Pugachev’s and add this incredible insight that OH SHIT A BOTTLE OF BEER WITH MORE ALCOHOL THAN MALIBU RUM IS HOT. Go back to Pi Phi and leave the adults to their beverages.

T: This carries on the foregoing but really delivers harder on that sweeeeet 4 Roses aspect, with a malty middle that isn’t substantially coating but keeps the leather reins in hand enough to keep the booze in check. There’s them sticky toasted caramel notes and a finish that tastes like a well-crafted old fashioned. The whole affair is fucking fantastic, you just wanna tuck a lil dollar in that oak g string and tell SJ to keep them CLACKCLACKS coming. If you don’t know about that clack clack, you prolly a weak ass ticker not sitting at the tip bar, just showing up to tastings with FW anniversary beers like a fucking barnacle. This is fantastic, don’t share it, drink it alone, fuck everyone else all you need is BA Barleywines and ICO.

I didn’t want to review this. Now a bunch of ISOs will go up, offering Jai Alai, ruining shit for everyone.
Sorry Chadquest

M: This is surprisingly thin and serves to give the bourbon/whiskey character ample stage to sally across. This beer was meant for the stage, not the closet. The mellow carb serves to get this angry heft across, like when a beer be having them sick lats, stability malts, not aesthetic just straight functional power. This beer is not prone to injury because it protects the core with deep boozy maltiness that washes clean.

D: This is sippable in excess. You CAN put away an entire bottle of this, put on George Straight and have people just assume you are racist when they smell your breath. However, the biggest drawback is the thing that contributes so much to its power, that abv adds complexity and stern flex to what would otherwise be approachable like Sebago or Naked Evil, things in that realm of drinkability. You know when BANE pumps that green shit and gets crazy swole? This is like that, except its a completely subjective swole and you will wake up with bruises and hella handstamps wondering where you went last night. What is AMZCC ATM WITHDRAWL $500.00 anyway? One of those nights.

If you are the type of jizzdumpster who hates on Sucaba and wasn’t around when Abacus came out. Hold your Barleywine competition somewhere else, your opinion is void.

Narrative: Clay Jaspers never skipped leg day. In fact, all he ever ran was leg day. Clay’s arms had modest power, but it wasn’t about showy displays for Mr. Jaspers. His deceptive frame went unappreciated largely by his colleagues at Prism Insurance Company. During company audits he could help move box files with the stability of a deep squat and a core that co-employees could count on. No one would assume that he could run a 4.4 40, but he wasn’t a showoff. He would do file reviews with a nice bottle of Bulleit in his desk and do claim reports in a deep squat. It was that secret power that he his under those Express Chino pants, no one needs to know that he could kick a hole in the side of a county fair pumpkin. His power was his hubris, a quiet power pounding in his quads, fueled by bourbon. One time when he went out on the town, some Penn State kids got uppity and he mule-kicked one in the stomach. The communications major was hit so hard he swore that he fell off his bike that night. Legends were told of Clay Jaspers as the Betas hit their 4 foot ROOR bong, aka the Cerebro, aka Professor X’ed Out.

GREASY ITALIAN CAGEMATCH: 2006 Xyauyù Etichetta Argento (Silver) vs. 2004 Xyauyù Etichetta Rame (Copper) – Birrificio Le Baladin

October 9, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Oh shit, depressed economies, flooded landscapes, lazy romantic people, and tons of hair product are up in the mix in today’s review. So if you were sleeping on the dipset in previous DDb reviews, first of all, shame on you, and secondly, read this REVIEW OF THE ISLAY FUME XYAUYU

Alright, if you have no idea what I am talking about, let’s take this from the top for the 2013 assholes showing up late to class, posting about pumpkin beers and ruining shit for the rest of us. These are imported from Italy and usually are barrel aged for 2 years with a series of blends from different barrels. If you are a complete fuck up, you will complain that these still beers DONT HAS ENOUGH CARBS FOR ME LIKE KING HENRYS. But focus on the mouthswish and not the teethcoatings and you will be ok.

Lets get this shit going, grab the Aqua Di Gio rev up that Piaggio scooter.

CHALLENGER: $50 500ml Xyauyu Silver, comes with a book not in English words.

VERSUS

Damn sippin that 2004 Xyauyu Copper out of a sundae glass while getting oral sex on a 10 speed

Silver
Birrificio Le Baladin
Italy
English Barleywine | 13.50% ABV

COPPER
Style | ABV
English Barleywine | 12.00% ABV

A: Appropriately enough the silver is a bit darker than the copper, but neither one of these is particularly radiant or offputting for the style. As I noted above, the beer is dead flat in both instances but that is how the beer is brewed, this isn’t just some Lost Abbey WHOOPS SEDE VACANTE $35 sort of mixup. The sheeting is insane and looks like an alcoholic Windex commercial. The clear alcohol sits like an oily ring around the edges letting you know shit is about to get real and some ex-GFs will be getting some phone calls real soon. Obviously there is no cling, no lacing, no retention and if you read the reviews, dumb shits mark this beer down nonstop for for petty offenses and then give Kuhnhenn dome on the regular for unintentionally flat beers. I don’t understand the world.

Winner: Tie, same flat chested Filipino gymnast caramel alcoholism execution

Acquire expensive barleywines, put that shit in my grasp

S: The copper is a bit sweeter and more decadent than the silver, but I need to add that both of these beers are some of the most complex beers I have ever tried. The layers from copper just pile up like corkboard, straight Eros stripping away those Macedonian remains. You get caramel, roasted caramello bars, chocolate, a sort of sherry and port finish to it. The silver is more of a srs bzness man and gives vanilla, coconut, toffee, toasted macaroon, and also that brandy sort of final release. Both of these are like a geriatric gangbang with hard candy and colostomy bags cast about with careless abandon.

Winner: Silver, nana knows my sweetspot

Just because it is flat doesn’t mean that it cant be amazing

T: Both of these beers are incredibly decadent endeavors and make you feel Fancy like Reba. This is your one chance ITALY DONT LET ME DOWN. The taste transitions from a mildly fusel front to a sweeeeeet resonance in the copper that is like figs, plums, tobacco and toasted oak. The Silver is a bit more ratchet and doesn’t give you that sweetness, you have to earn its affection like a recalcitrant Mormon girl who isn’t down with under the barrel touching. There is a sort of raisinette, dessert liqueur, dates, caramel, and a toasty roast to it that seems more refined, but less fun than the wild ass Copper straight not wearing any malt panties in the barrel aged movie theater. Damn that analogy fell apart real quick.

Winner: Copper, a bit hotter but more fun, like the Powerglove, it is so BAD.

Bust out this at a tasting with that fancy box and tickers be like-

M: These have an identical mouthfeel to them. It is this incredibly thin Utopias sort of feel to it that just warms in a decadent creme brulee fashion. There isn’t any real drying to speak of and the sweetness hides that abv impeccably. You take light pulls of this and let it get full on room temp without a single fuck to spare. This is a whole different realm of beer that some glass jawed, pussy palates cannot handle. Go back to buying King Henry’s on Mybeercellar and let the CERTIFIED CICEROAONES DISCUSS NOTES WE HAVE SO MANY NOTES. But seriously, there is nothing like this beer out there with the exception of maybe a Kuhnhenn BBBW left out at room temp, but that’s more brash so it isn’t the same. There is no oxidation and the whole affair begs to be split and savored like a marathon of Police Academy films.

Winner: trick question, they are basically the same, take them both in your mouth at the same time, Vivid.com steeze.

Straight up regal italian decadence

D: Despite my gushing and rock hard maltboner for these beers, they are not exceptionally drinkable. Lezbehonest. I crush high abv monsters on the reg and then still work my second job at Golden Corral, even I cannot take one of these to the skull solo. I know you probably COULD do it, just like I DID take the Islay Fume to the skull 1v1 and wreked it like a cheeky kunt. Overall, split one of these and you are golden, otherwise, call a babysitter or buy a Wii-U. Trade for these, splurge and drop the $50, you wont regret it and you’ll secretly get barleywine emissions for years to come.

This is foreign and strange, but I secretly am aroused.

Narrative: Giuseppe and Pietro were the best of friends. Giuseppe with his cool demeanor and love of pastries was the perfect Sancho Panza to the responsible Vespa-driving Pietro. Both were sweet and full of idioms and effusive gushing lines that were doled out with careless abandon at the finest Hollywood nightclubs, supperclubs, ultralounges, and invite only social clubs. “Giuseppe! please, you have to unbutton down to the fifth button, don’t embarass us tonight,” Pietro commented as he washed the sticky Crew Fiber off of his hands and began putting on ornate chains and leather ornaments. “We have to put out most welcoming foot forward for the ladies to be of interest and to be make sex” Giuseppe epigrammatically noted and Pietro squinted in deep thought at the profoundly warming statement. “Also, we are need to be buying more Monster Muscle Milk, because energy level and fun times to be having importance,” Pietro replied with a certain lovable panache that only a boozy abrasive sweetness could pull off without sounding like a rapist.

@gooseisland Cthulhu, Srs Revue guise, not jokes time. Not ruining beer time. Srs.

September 9, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright, by now you have already probably seen DDB do dumbshit and ruin Cahutlow in a coovie, but I got plenty of messages asking me to actually address what the fuck this 320 bottle midwestwhale actually TASTED like. Sometimes ruining shit is not enough, people want subjective opinions to go with their free experience on DDB. Alright, so let’s just get this out of the way off the bat: this beer is awesome, but there is no way it was worth what you gave up to land it. If you enter this maltyanoos pounder with that in mind, victim complex in hand, then the healing will be so much easier.

Bootleg tome ghost repping that bootleg Parabola in the cut.

Goose Island Beer Co.
Oatmeal Stout | 10.00% ABV

First and foremost, thanks to tbadiuk and thousandfoldthought for donating this bottle for me to fucking ruin.

A: This is deep black at the center with no light permeating this bad bitch at any point. It goes hard and crushes all photons up in the chocolate malt game. The mocha foam looks like a river in Ohio, except this beer doesn’t catch on fire. The carb is on point, the lacing is phenomenal and this is beautiful and has this ebony dream sort of execution to it like a POWERFUL BOURBON STALLION YOU JUST WANT TO MOUNT AND RIDE HARD AND PUT AWAY WET. You know the feeling, your lips and thighs all raw.

Wait. Not on shelves? low bottle count? This can’t possible be from Chicago. No Magic allowed.

S: This is the halfway house between the vanilla/coconut/oak from Elijah craig but the base beer contributes this sort of 4 roses barrel treatment sweetness that is like mallowfoam and caramel. It is fucking phenomenal on the nose and exceeds Parabola in this regard. That is as hard for me to type as you can imagine. This whole fucking beer is like, alright they release the Porsche 911 and you are like “fuck, that is sick.” but then for $45,000.00 more, you can get a lil bit more horsepower and some extra badges. Yes, it is 8.5% doper than Parabola, but god damn this shit is optioned out so hard the dealer will be dancing on your grave before you pay it off. They need to toss this shit in 4 packs and stop pushing beer nerds collective faces into the 550 thread count stout sheets.

T: This has a fucking mind blowing balance between the roast, decadent coffee/chocolate sweetness, brownie batter and just barrel for days that just pounds like an Ernie Ball stingray out of that Ampeg 8×10 cab. The beats are steady knocking and the oak gives the sweetness a partner in crime that dries but leaves shit all sticky, like when you used to piss the bed, except it is a torrent of chocolate bourbon piss, like in your dreams. I got some people asking me how we did that “camera trick” when I poured a fuckload of this into a bowl, no camera trick, but I sure as fuck ALMOST regret it because this beer is just that good. When I say I am srs, i am not jk, am srs.

FT: one of 320 bottles so rare ISO: a fucking girlfriend

M: This is sticky as huna, but less substantial in those patented CCB sugars. It doesn’t roll that Three Floyd’s 1.045 FG. It doesn’t go all eating disorder thin like Eclipse. It somehow addresses the issues that I had with base BCBS (which is essentially fucking nothing) and improves upon the barrel, fusel notes, ratchets the heat down, improves that silky mouthfeel with a blast of oat, and just leaves you with a bukkake chocolate blast all over your gumline.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and just gets drained LIKE V FROM ERIC NORTHMAN TO SOOKIE STACKHOUSE AMIRITE. You want more, and it is gone and you shake a snowglobe like a complete pussy and think of stouts long past: that first sip of FBS before your life was in shambles, a yeasty shell of accomplishments. This is a great beer, but it is tough to justify the cost of entry and I am sure many a person walked with a limp after getting their tradeanooes distended, giving up top tier lambic and shit. The 312 will always w[h]in[e].

OH YOU MADE AN OATMEAL STOUT IN BA BARRELS OF BOURBON BA? FUCKIN TOUGH

Narrative: “NOBODY CHARGES ME FOR ADDITIONAL SAUCES, NO BODY.” His neck strained with rage and a sweaty brow. He used to be such a good friend and, for a few moments he was actually pretty fun, but this is not the Chad that you remember from college. “OH I AM SORRY AM I MAKING A SCENE? well guess what GOOD I DONT NEED TO BE EATING HERE BRO I JUST WANTED SOME GOD DAMN RANCH FOR THESE STRIPS. I DONT. LIKE. DRY. STRIPS!!!” The smell of chocolate and bourbon hung in the air. It takes so much just to even meet up with this guy. You hang your head sulking, oh great, a co-worker happens to come into this Denny’s? It used to be such a good time with Chad, going to ball games, kicking back a few brews, now he is misquoting the Da Vinci code and hitting on the receptionist from your office. “YEAH SO THATS WHY THEY CALL IT A JET BOAT, I am sorry, too much for you? Too much speed? Or you just dont know nothing about boats? Don’t touch me bro, I am hollering at this girl, OH IM SORRY, SORRY FOR BEING SO EMBARASSING YOU, CAPTAIN NO SEX WITH HAYLEY SINCE 5 MONTHS AGO. “We should do this more often, check please.” You would only meet once, but that was a powerful bourbon soaked endeavor.

Narke 2007 Kaggen! Stormaktsporter AND Konjaks! Stormaktsporter, Two Wales; One Liver.

August 19, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Back when the world was at peace, before the Nanomachines, before Skynet went global and the purity crystal was shattered into 8 fragments each guarded by an Eidolon guardian, there was something called the top 100.

In this top 100, were a series of sacred and profane images scrawled for admiration and cool reverence by the awkward prototypical beer nerd masses. Back when RB/BT/BA/TBS/RBT were orange groves sown by the tillage of honest serfs, there were walez. One of the most elusive in those provincial days was Kaggen and its wayward brethren, KONJAKS. To say that these beers are rare or sought out would be like saying that Sasha Grey has inspired a few erections on middle school sick days. Notwithstanding, if you feel like being nostalgic, go read my review of REGULAR ASS STORMAKTSPORTER HERE

Alright, enough pageantry, let’s get down to fucking business and find out which whale gots the most blubberers.

Swedish waels don’t deserve Midwest pours.

Regular Ass Kaggen!

Närke Kulturbryggeri
Sweden
Russian Imperial Stout | 10.00% ABV
The cask matured version of Stormaktsporter.

Narke Konjaks! (Cognac Barrel Aged)
Russian Imperial Stout | 9.50% ABV
Cognac Barrel Aged Stormy (no shit)

Appearance:

Kaggen: This pours a splish splashy cola brown that is black at the center. It is not an inky affair but carries that dark profile with a frothy khaki head that is impressive for 6 years of small format repression. The cling is nothing too intense and the lacing is gentle with a tiny clear sheet like when you strike a child with a book and watch the tears cascade gently.

Konjaxxxx: This looks almost identical, for obvious reasons but put forth a little bit more liveliness to the lacing and carbonation. If Kaggen is the reluctant friend, this is the drunk girl who at the moment is excited to go back to your studio apartment. These interactions are fleeting, savor them.

Winrar: Tie, they seriously look fucking identical. What the fuck is wrong with you?

At a certain point, when you slay two WW ticks at the same damn time, the butthurt becomes infinite to other sad pandas

SMELLINGS:

Kaggen: This might be one of the best olfactory stouts that I have come across in my entire life. There is a light coffee aspect with molasses, toasted almonds, honey, brown sugar, an oaky resonance that fades into a nice roast. This reminds me of a sweeter Parabola b1 with a higher emphasis on honey legs with zero abv. I hate loading on adjectives like a fucking asshole but they are seriously there. I guess I can just staple my nutsack to the sides of my thighs like a sugar glider if you don’t believe me.

Konjakson jackson: This is a whole different bag, in an insane NeoGeo 16bit port to console sort of way. This is unquestionably more ambitious and sets forth everything that Kaggen does but THEN FUCKING PILES ON MORE. You ever go to a frozen yogurt place and just go way overboard on toppings and find yourself plowing through all this conflicting shit like Peanut Butter cups with raspberries, brownie bites with Lychee, its a complete clusterfuck. You get smoke first and foremost, like a Duraflame log dipped in brownie batter then lit on fire with Cognac. The wood is present and the sweetness comes around like a scorched Nestle Tollhouse cookie. Sweet and smoke and indian burns on your dick all at once. It is just too much.

WINRAR Smell: Kaggen, times a billion, since forever until always.

When I popped both bottles, shit got real, things became tumescent.

TASTES NOTINGS:

Kaggen: God damn it, those efficient ass Swedes just made a compact deadly weapon of stout destruction. It is clean and pure in execution, extending the cola, almond, bakers chocolate, truffle, tootsie roll but imparting a subtle barrel character and absolutely zero abv. The sweetness makes this drink like Edmund Fitzgerald, and it only gets better at higher temps. Worth the hype completely and frustratingly so.

Konjacksing off: This is actually a really phenomenal beer to drink, despite the fucking menagerie on the nose. This reminds me of Bar Fly went and fucked Czar Jack and their little spawn baby was left in the nordic plain to develop. It is lightly smokey but lacking that red wine character from Bar Fly. The sweetness is unquestionably European in execution and sets forth this soft sticky caramel and mallowfoam all set against this toasty campfire backdrop. If you feel like having a great campout beer while being molested by your youth pastor, this would be it. Whales and psyche treatment bills, hand in hand.

Winner: This one is actually really tough because Konjacking off felt so good, but a little wrong. I still have to give it to the OG Kaggen, it’s like Rosie O’ Donnell at a bisexual bridal shower. It deeeeeeeeeeeed it.

“You alienate normal beer drinkers and make fun of people who get excited to drink Woot stout-“

Mouthfeelings:

Kaggen: This is the Yoshi of the Mariokart stout world in that it is innoculous, gentle, precise, hits the marks you want, doesn’t go overboard and keeps things ratchet enough to be trill throughout. The sweetness lingers but not like something from Southern Tier/DerkLerd. The roast is gentle but doesnt dry you the fuck out like Darkness. The barrel is restrained and doesn’t pound your face like BBpt5. It is tough to write notes on a beer that is so elegant and reined in execution. The 8oz bottle is such a kick in the dick because I only want more. Of this beer, not kicks to the dick.

Kernjerks: This is actually more interesting on this front than Kaggen because it is so damn sticky and sweet. The smokiness leaves a little bit of drying but the real show it the sweet toffee brittle and oak that lingers for days on your gumline, just making you wish you had dental insurance you poor fuck. The finish of caramel with tobacco sounds gross but it is delicious as fuck if only because I can’t think of anything similar to this.

WINZIPRAR: Konjaks! For reals, the mouthfeel was slick and sticky, smokey and sweet; fucking awesome.

Slay two white whales, only 1 pint drunk, now who we fuckin?

OVERALLS (OSHKOSH DRINKABILITY)

Kaggen: This is easily one of the three best stouts that I have ever had in my life. I cannot honestly think of valid areas of improvement because it just Limit Breaks the fuck out of my mouth, omnislashing all the flavor zones. The balance and robust flavor is irreproachable and well worth the hunt and tick, if your anus is down for that 5:1 sort of shit it will no doubt take. Godspeed you ugly tickers.

Konjaks!: Despite all my nitpicking above, this is still a fantastic beer. This should be viewed on its own and not held to the glaring standards set forth by Kaggen! It is better than Barfly and I have a serious aversion to smoke. It is as complex and fascinating as the cycle of poverty, and equally dark. I would have a tough time recommending going apeshit to lock down this one-off/rare/retired variant, but if you have already beat all the level masters and are going for completionist shit like DDB is all about: IT IS A MUST TICK.

1239 words about two rare ass Swedish beers? BRB cleaning all the cream out of my jeans.

Pat’s Beer Concentrate: Start Crushing Up Rails, Mainline your Ales Back on that Grizzy

August 15, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

It was only a matter of time before people started moving beer into bricks of that china white. That real unstepped on beer concentrate has been a product I can’t seem to go to any limited beer release without hearing about. Tickers be like “Hey you know how I weigh 245 lbs and wear a size 46 waist? Man, well one of my main issues is I can’t drink beer while I go on long hiking trips. It really sucks. I want a tepid, shitty beer to celebrate my hypothetical physical exploits.”

Well fear not, now you can chop up rails of dehydrated beer and have escorts snort them out of your stretch mark luges:

http://www.patsbcb.com/beer-concentrate

Oh you improved beer by removing all the water from it? TELL ME MORE

Consider the MIC FUCKING DROPPED ON THE BORING ASS LIQUID BASED BEER WORLD. You enjoying that St. Lamvinus you purple toothed pussy? Good, because the future is here Marty McFly, powder beer. I expect this to perform well in the 12 person mormon family, those kids are already accustomed to powdered milk, so why not horrible powdered ale?

From their site:

“Beer is typically about 95% water, which makes it heavy, cumbersome, and expensive to transport. But with our innovative and modern brewing process (patent pending) we can create a nearly waterless beer concentrate that contains all the great flavor, alcohol, and aroma of a premium quality micro brew. Our beer is not dehydrated beer!”

I can’t tell you about how when awesome 750mls of goozie show up at my door, how many times I was like “jesus this Blabaer is cumbersome, heavy and expensive to transport.” Because that’s what beer drinkers really give a fuck about, not taste, but shipping magnate considerations: “Oh tight you are gonna send me a Barrel Aged Huna? Wait…how much does that 750ml weigh? Oh fuck that, no thanks, I am not dealing with a cumbersome 2.2 lbs. Not on my watch. That is gonna cost at least eight dollars to ship. No thanks, and go fuck yourself with a letter opener.”

I love that they bring the real science up in the mix, tossing dehydrated malt up in the air like King James. Their process of dehydrating beer is so innovative the US GOVERNMENT CANT EVEN UNDERSTAND IT TO ISSUE A PATENT. Sorry patent attorneys learn to fucking Science, PAT IS ON THE TRILLEST DEHYDRATION TIP. But despite their efforts taking a water and turning it into powder, they assure you: OUR BEER IS NOT DEHYDRATED BEER.

Hold up let me look up dehydrated real quick while my vas deferens resets.

de·hy·dra·tion (d h -dr sh n). n. 1. The process of removing water from a substance or compound

OH shit, they are right, this isn’t just dehydration because they removed way more than water, they removed fun, taste, enjoyability, mouthfeel, shame, and the ability for people not to laugh at your Space Camp bullshit at the next part you go to. Maybe if you won Double Dare and still obsess about NASA, this will be your jam. I can also guarantee your small bent dick will never pass the threshold of an oral cavity. So there is also that.

Beer was fine with water. Why the fuck I dont even

So wait, if it isn’t dehydrate, what the fuck is this?

“Instead, our process (patent pending) allows us to start with almost no water, and carefully control the environment of the fermentation. The result… concentrated beer with all the same great taste you’re used to in a premium micro brew. All you do is add water, carbonate, and enjoy.”

Oh so they brew the beer, something for thousands of years made in a liquid medium, instead they…brew with no water? That’s like if you were like “You have enjoyed normal hand jobs for years, in movie theaters, in Chevrolet Cavaliers, and other cumbersome locations: BUT NOW ENJOY A HAND JOB THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE YOUR COCK OR ANY HANDS AT ALL.” If you are giving me a powder not brewed with water, then it isn’t a HJ; plain and simple.

I love their passing remark about how you just have to…carbonate it yourself. So this travel friendly product needs to be carbonated, that can’t be more cumbersome than just opening a bottle right?

http://www.patsbcb.com/carbonator

Oh wait fuck no. You have to carry a cumbersome penis pump meets Nalgene bottle. If you listen closely you will hear the sound of pilates women fleeing from your dumbass contraption. The pitter patter of size zero steps away from your very presence.

“The carbonator bottle’s organic form feels like it belongs in your hand… because it does! This elegant little addition to your gear list is engineered with an emphasis on rugged durability and simplicity of use. In its more docile state, it functions as your standard run of the mill water bottle (yawn). ”

FINALLY A FUCKING BOTTLE THAT BELONG IN MY HAND, no thanks to you, beer. What with your awkward hand-adverse shape, fuck you beer. It is funny that in the beginning they are talking mad shit on how cumbersome beer bottles are and then they assume that you have a “gear list” to enjoy this granulated precum beverage. Then they try and make it seem like some bad ass decepticon WHILE IT IS IN IN ITS DOCILE FORM. Oh shit you don’t wanna see this in its ultramalignant final form, CARBONATING THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

Just reading through this product website puts a smile on my face. The lulz are resonant through my palatial estate.

Have you ever seen a marketing agent rub his dick so hard against some Dockers that his taint is raw with anticipation? Well read this sentence:

“However, when you decide to kick it into high gear and unleash the technology hiding under its hood, you get a burst of crisp refreshing carbonation to energize the beverage of your choice. So no matter how far your wander lust leads you down the trail of your next adventure, you can still indulge your thirst for carbonated refreshment!”

They seriously wrote that, about a tiny pump on a water bottle. I am not making this shit up.

Another stupid fucking peripheral in the beer community? Disapprove.

Ok so at this point you are probably like “alright, enough cock jokes, seriously, why does this bullshit exist?”

I AM GLAD YOU ASKED:

“In 1997 Patrick Tatera was on a backpacking trip in the southern region of Canyon Lands Park in UT. Just before leaving on the trip, he and his buddy purchased a 12 pack of tasty micro brewed refreshment, put it on ice in a cooler, and then left it in the car at the trailhead. By mid afternoon, they had reached their designated camp spot in an awe inspiring section of the park. The sky was blue, the smell of sage brush permeated the air, and there was not another hiker to be seen. Everything was perfect… except one thing.”

That one thing was a line of leaking diarrhea spilling down the trailhead from all the bullshit that the participants were full of.

First of all, beer nerds don’t hike. Have you been to a beer release? They are just a step away from bucking Bronies, wearing screen printed t shirts and Fedoras from Spencer’s gifts with acne playing Apples to Apples in an industrial parking lot at 4 a.m. These motherfuckers dont exercise. Second, YOU ARE GOING ON A HIKE WHY DO YOU NEED TWELVE WARM JOSTLED BEERS? How big of an alcoholic are you that going out in nature isn’t entertaining enough for your rapacious liver?

Alright, I wont Adam Jackson you with 2200 words, I think 1300 is a good spot to stop. Just stop.

Capitalizing off of stupid fucking entry level craft beer fans? Fist bump.

Dehydrated beer wiped all on my gums, make a white stripe on undergrad skin like a Zebra, I call that shit attenuation fever.

FOODREPUBLIC.com is serving up some HAWT Beer TRADEING TIPZZZ

August 14, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright, close that Bangbus tab and get ready for some fucking sticky hot knowledge to be dropped upon you from Food Republic. YOU WANT TO TRADE BEERS MOTHERFUCKER? Well the authority on Beer Swapping: FOOD REPUBLIC is ready to school you harder than 3rd grade Vietnamese calculus:

http://www.foodrepublic.com/2013/08/08/5-steps-mastering-art-beer-trading

My face when I receive a box of beer from FOODREPUBLIC, 4 month old Nugget Nectar? Wtf.

Jon Katz master whale slayer with sickkk tipzzzz on trading. Whoever gets that illpacked stock photo box of offshelf UK Beers is gonna be so stoked.

“the postage is usually higher than the beer itself.” – Who is the person making these trades? Fedex across the country costs $15.00 on average and most people aren’t just stroking it and shipping a single box with only shelfturds like Patio Pils and 312 (NOW IN CANS), with the exception of super grateful Bruery Trustees sending those coveted thank you boxes of stale gems.

“Brews you’ve been dying to try that you simply can’t get where you live. For me, those beers were from Jester King, Karbach, St. Arnolds and No Label” with the exception of a few JK beers, this may be the least uttered sentence in the history of the English language, just after “I cant believe I fucked that guy dressed like Captain Planet, for an Arch Deluxe.” Search the forums, no one is seeking those beers, but to each his own JKatz, you old minx.

“Hey foodie friends, let’s get into trading bee- OH FUCK NONONONO”

“Don’t buy beer on eBay. Don’t EVER buy beer on eBay.” what if the beer you want is completely inaccessible except on a resale site? You just grit your teeth and lube up to pics of Kaggen and dream a lil nocturnal emission. The fact is many beers command well over their Ebay pricetags in trade value, I guess the monastic stoicism in defending a resale is commendable in that instance, but trading 12:1 is hardly laudable by contrast.

“Use 1 flat-rate shipping box” This is an excellent idea if you would like to send someone a soggy pile of broken glass and brown cardboard. These boxes are tiny and leave little room for insulation, further they are just the right “throwing size” for lazy Fedex or UPS workers. Furthermore, you can fit a maximum of 3 bombers in those, that’s if you are hitting it super raw dogggg no protection craigslist escort style. None of the aforementioned packing items would even fit on the “Large” flat rate box. No raw dog, wrap it up breh.

I am gonna transfer my Karma from Pretzeltrader.com to show my box cred, FOOD REPUBLIC STEEZE

“Expect to pay between $15-30 per box, so make it count. Ideally the trade is “valued” at double the shipping. It’s about the same as if you ordered from an online retailer” Make your own Fedex account. Stop being a weak penis. Most people value the beers inside beyond their intrinsic dollar value. Some saggy tittied trader would be pissed if HF Mimosa broke in transit, the first thing they said would not be “I PAID AT LEAST $20 for THE SHIPPING ON THAT BOX” there would be zero fucks given, unless you are just pushing futile “ROGUE FOR STONE” type of trades. In which case, yeah, shipping bills are probably the thing you look forward to most.

Maybe you are too much of a little girl to start a dangerous new hobby. Maybe you arent ready for diabetes and domestic disputes.

Russian River Depuration, Let’s Set This Depomation Record Straight for the Haterzzzz

July 17, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright so if you were around way back in the 2011’s there was once a shithead with no foresight or foreskin who kept pumping a shitty brett forward homebrew clone of Depuration. That beer is now deep in the annals of history as Depomation, a perfect product of hype whose 42 bottle yield and Jefferz5000 label only the most legit/now deleted accounts got to savor. With LurchingBeast and Spdkilz and DJbutters having drank the last bottles we can finally move on and stop talking about that Shasta offbeat/beatoff clone. Let’s review Depuration, sip Pediobear and rub pellicles on some mantits.

Before you pay your shitty $500 mortage on your 5 bedroom Indiana home, that pour doesn’t mean I am one of you.

Russian River Brewing Company visit their website
California, United States
American Wild Ale | 7.00% ABV

A: This has minimal levels of carb and sits murky and not giving a fuck like a girl with headgear on at prom that gets no love. In a word this is straight Doesjelling, if you know what I mean. There is a tepid aspect that swirls with some lackluster zero-fucks-given wispiness and a deep orange at the center. Here is where you talk shit about the size of my pour again, and then oh wait I skulled the vast majority of this bitch:

Before you ask: yes I later blended it with Coors Light.

S: The nose on this is fantastic and taking it head to head with a 2012 Temptation shows that what this beer lost in lovable acidity, it gained in muskiness and depth. There is an oakiness, sweetness akin to martinelli’s cider that I can only assume was the remainder of the grapes, a deep leather and hay combined with dry yard trimmings and a lemony acidity closes it out. As far as AWA’s go, this holsters the juvenile acid overload and proceeds to neck kiss up on 41 year old substitute teachers. “Mr. Vinnie doesn let us-” “Well I am not Mr. Vinnie.”

Bros be showing up at a Depuration tasting with Mexican Cake variants, the lulz not insubstantial straight cascading through my palatial estate.

T: This does not taste as amazing as the nose would suggest but despite it being faded harder than Jordache jeans, it still delivers like a Body Glove t-shirt. The taste is almost creamy in its smootheness, there is a light tingle of acidity like pop rocks and a lemon zest that is coupled with some sort of darker fruits which was really surprising something in the realm of bruised peaches and plum. I be balling in the D league, speaking Swaghili. You could crush one of these far faster than Temptation, and honestly this is a completely different beer in every aspect. While Temptation is brighter and simpler like the girl next door, this shit takes you back to the days of hands soaked with yearbook ink and musky cardboard, back when boners counted more, back when you wanted to beat off immediately after a movie date. Less restrained and far more complicated times.

This is a sour predator but it gives you a deep acidic hug and you look deep into those golden eyes- whoa is this an erotic fiction blog now? nice.

M: This has an incredible creaminess to it that coats and crackles like a strange pudding that has pop rocks and lemon juice in it. It is what I would imagine it would be like to go down on Jubilee or Dazzler. It’s not about the tastes here, it is the nose and mouth, straight ENT on these bitches. Temptation dries more, this provides a milky crackle to it like carbonated horchata, I GUESS.

D: This is wildly drinkable and did put that acidity up in me like paid experimentation. The only caveat is that since this beer is a one off/retired/essentially extinct is that telling people to seek this out is little more than veiled taunting. The best part of this is I didn’t have to drink this with 14 other dudes in a Joliet backyard with a bunch of 30%+ BMI dudes all photographing their molar units. I love it when a plan comes together. Oh yeah, and in case I didn’t address this fully, Depomation is wildly worse than this beer and essentially tasted like a brett C overload contrasted to this lactic/pedio masterpiece. Since there are exactly 19 running jokes in the beer community, keep those tired ass jams coming like playing Cupid Shuffle at a wedding.

Daddy went to jail on a come up at his Radioshack job tryna lock down some ticks. Cellar shit is a sour life.

Narrative: It was a strange existence, being a single guy in a big city. I guess being the webmaster and server technician for Match.com just added to the burn. He knew his own shortcoming, Kyle Rancors wasn’t the most outspoken person, or the most witty, but he had the ability to defrag your kernel faster than most in that bustling metropolis. That wasn’t an entendre, his skills were really that misaligned. Sure, he could carry average banter, had a working knowledge of Gray’s Anatomy that made him seem cloyingly sweet, just no one that a girl wanted to have a raucous session with. Performing maintenance on servers that helped others find love just seemed like an ironic twist of lemon into his heart. He was a good guy deep down, and somewhere, a mediocre enzyme would fit with his substrate complex to create the perfect lock and key. Those are the kinds of things that Kyle Rancors would actually think. There was a certain creaminess to his interaction that didn’t leave you feeling greased up, but rather lubricated for a lifetime of fulfillment. Plus he could slang mad Pokes on Fbook with no DNS entry.

@hillfarmstead Madness and Civilization I: The Unbecoming More Than Without

July 8, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

I wanted to use an abstract gerund phrase to take the piss out of recent brewery titles but Jean and the TH boys beat me to it with a lengthy Vonnegut reference, so we all get to collectively rub those philosophy degrees for kindling. Except I can’t brew for shit. Anyway, I Tarrantino’ed the fuck out of these reviews and dropped a fat #2 of madness on your before I closed with a long hard #1 of Madness. This has been colloquially deemed the more “accessible” of the two offerings. But that is like a Dupont Registry buyer saying that a Gallardo is an “entry level offering.” Take your KBS bullshit elsewhere, the men are talking. Anyway, let’s take this supercar of stouts around the ring a bit, is this the malty r8 everyone is hoping for or just some bullshit Tesla hype? We shall see.

Look, oh wow, I didnt share it, that means I know some shit, right, oh wait I am still a prediabetic bitch.

Hill Farmstead Brewery
Vermont, United States

Style | ABV
American Double / Imperial Stout | 9.00% ABV
It is a BLEND of very complex components – 2 year old Buckwheat Rye aged in Elijah Craig 18 barrels, 15 month Maple Wheat Imperial Stout, and a blend of Vanilla and Cacao Nib Bourbon Barrel aged Everett.

A: Alright drink all of the above in an just imagine the world that you live in being sucked sideways by a wanting George T. Stagg fleshlight. This is far more lively than the second offering, but for reasons that will be outlined shortly. This is the Island of the Blue Dolphins of the HF stouts accessibility and it looks beautiful with a splashy wake like some bourbon otters are cracking some cask oak on their chests. The carb is there, the alcohol doesn’t drill your anoos, everything was well.

Sometimes I get emails about some stupid BJCP or Naked Pint shit and I be like-

S: This is where things start going from standard to “oh fuck, this Fedex box was worth it.” I love two things that I have read in other reviews: 1) this is amazing at 45 degrees and 2) I can certainly pick out XXXX barrel. For the former, you dun goofed. The olfactory consequences will never be the same. Let this warm up and it is like a derelict candy dealer dropping cacao and sticky hersheys in your nose holes. This is more scent than MC2, and delivers a more complex smell bouquet than its elusive brother. You get some red wine tannins at higher temps in the same vein as Parabola but this has the sustain of oak and baker’s chocolate that rings deep and pure. The nose just fucks you sideways and you tip up for it.

T: The taste does not deliver in the intensity that MC2 provides. This has a sweetness and almost a Grape Fanta finish to it that is still GOOD, but after my butthole was stretched to Rubix cube levels by MC2, it is hard not to long for that gentle chocolatey fist. Regardless, this has a more nuanced gentle profile with red wine tannins, the sweetness of the bourbon, a vanilla profile that seems to watch over this shit like a Mormon dance, not letting anything become too ridiculous. At the closer you get a kind of chocolate pancake aspect that is sweet but the red wine just interlopes hard like an Orange County mother you wish would move its fake tits on out of here.

MC1 puts you on that sweet sticky drinkable game that you love to love.

M: The mouthfeel is lighter than MC2 for a billion reasons, but it has its own charms. You can apprehend the nuances and variety of notes taking place here, whereas the MC2 is a full on assault that takes a fuckload of concentration to address, this is a delcious Event Horizon sort of stout that lets you meander at your leisure, never unfulfilled. It is sweeter but doesn’t overwhelm in a way that most bullshit tickers wont notice anyway as they are lining up 45 bottles on the mantle of their garbage track home.

D: This is easily more drinkable than MC2 but the format also almost seems to lend itself to this fact. If you have ever been to a diner at 3am and had the “chicken noodle soup” and had the reduced blast that is the stiffarm of concentrated madness, you will know the true nature of this beer. To be honest, most people will like this version more. The bitch ass tickers who focus on rarity will claim to like MC2 more and continue to rate Darkness down for being “too hot” but at the end of the day, these are two different beers both kissing the neck of two totally different neckbeards. MC2 is for the hardened veteran ready for the 2009 Beer Cynic, the MC1 is there to glad hand the normal “Huna for BWXIV” kids. I don’t know what DDB has degenerated to, but this shit was delicious.

some tickers complain that DDB has lost touch with the regular beer world, like this shit ever resided there.

Narrative: “Hello? Is this recordin-pshh- hello?” Taylor Carmen tapped the monitor pleadingly. He never meant for this to happen. Just three weeks ago he was your average Orange County youth, slammed Silverado, flat brimmed hat, Crazy Town not an uncommon artist within the ambit of his auditory selection. He was a master of NU METAL and presented a deep and profound manner that every woman with pink highlights would embrace. But now here he was, an ad hoc astronaut. To be fair, the prank war was getting a bit out of hand. “Please, if anyone sees my step mom, tell her, I am so sorry for mistreating her-” Taylor started it by down tuning his friends bass to E flat. Then the classic bucket in the doorway, things escalated, and they tricked poor Taylor into boarding the launch of a new Verizon satellite. “And if you see Aiden, tell him he is a total dick. . .I am running out of air. . .but he should know. . .those texts never came from a. . .chick-” He layed against the GPS monitor and gasps the sickest final breaths of a bro cut down before the pinnacle of his sickness. Later they would recover these remains from Mars and realize his genius, a prank that was common to all but inacessible and perfectly executed for its purity and sweet nature. Poor Taylor Carmen.

dontdrinkbeer

Drinking beer, so you don't have to.

Category Archives: bourbon aged