Alright let’s take it from the top, simple and without pageantry, since everyone has already made that Sophie choice whether or not to re-up their membership this year. Godspeed:

 
Bruer-aide: this is basically Hottenroth with a sea salt air intake, and a lemon zest ground effects kit. No noticeable gains to horsepower but it is exactly what it says: a 3% abv crusher that tastes like Lemon lime Gatorade. The type of shit you would see Degarde selling for $5 a 750ml with 12 different hopped versions.

2010 Ba coton: holy fuck this is a slice from the Tyler golden age of bruery lore. If you have had Ba 2 turtle doves recently you know how fuxking mindblowing these beers have become. It is liquid sugar daddies and raisinettes, caramel crew brûlée and brown sugar. It is a component blend of Adam from the wood and Kuhnhenn bb4d. If you see anyone offer this up for trade, holy shit jump on it.

  

New traders tryna get into hoarders be like-

Aaarrrggghh!!!!: this is a hoppy coconut Pilsner made with rice. If you were around to try the forgettable Run bmc (run MBC?) in 2011 then you’ll know this beer right away. There’s an oiliness to the mouthfeel, and that’s about it. A hoppy Pilsner that is approachable to novice drinkers and Hinge dates alike. 

  

Chaise them walez.

Prairie rue: bruery jumped forward in the farmhouse game with the ubiquitous new tonelleire and this is a dingy driven backwards by the force of consumer sighs. Full taut sail. It is by no means bad, but it is earthy and herbal, lacking distinction in any direction, a Michael bay film that hits the three act structure and turns a profit and logs some IMDb credits. There’s a notable orange zest and cantaloupe rind at the end but that’s about it. It is fine I guess.

Ride that goat: this is actually really fuxking tasty. If you don’t like the daunting abv and sweetness of melange 3, this is slimmer, faster, slicker and imparts that same massive bourbon and bitter oak character. Every year bruery makes a sleeper hit that no one orders (smooth criminal cough cough) and this is the one that will absolutely kill it with time. The description sounds wonky but trust me, it drills like Slim Jesus.  

So that’s it. I already gave you my lunch money what more do you want from me?

  
When u hit the lean and boxes start droppin like Super Mario Maker.

You can grind your teeth and rail against the Toppling Goliath hype machine and decry Iowa traders until Trump is president, their shit is fire. It would make my job a lot easier if they were only a stout machine or if their catalog was so clearly one note that I could grind some levity out of the grist mill.

Frustratingly that simply is not the case and TG has proven ability in the hop game and across the stout spectrum. I am bunkering down and praying they don’t find that Good Burger sauce for Saisons, barleywines and wild ales. If that happens then Dr. Robotnik gets all the chaos emeralds and every other trader is proper fucked.   

 But let’s talk about this gem. Backlit or not, this is a beautiful radiant golden ring coveted by Tails. The carb is spot on, frothy and pumps oily resins upwards like a water park with alpha acids instead of piss. 

The nose is a paradigm of mosaic on mosaic action, m4m casual hop encounters. You get this chive and lemongrass, mulched leaves, weed whackers running at full clip and stomped apricots languishing in the still summer heat.

This is a massive dipa in the mouthfeel, syrupy almost to a fault, conifers and sappy robitussin creating occlusions on your incisors. The kush is not unapparent, wiping the gum line produced bitter earthiness like chard and shallots that is magnificently refreshing in the dry garlic swallow. 

  
I very seldom will bend my knee and sugggest actively trading for a dipa, largely because a stupid two row dry hopped analogue is probably local and more fresh anyway, just waiting for you. This is one instance where I lamentably have to break my first date rule and advise you to smash this, outside your area code, foregoing monogamy. 

Even if Sosus don’t call you back, that taste in ur mouth is worth it. Bro u earned it.

This beer is like getting head on a GSXR: it’s just too hard to wrap my head around.  
If you’re dissatisfied with how clean your kitchen is, just open this overattenuated mess and watch the double dare foam fly. 

This is a strange one, the nose has this honey comb meets anise and juniper. This has a interesting dynamic of 1) pour three ounces 2) return five minutes later to enjoy 3) repeat. The foam is relentless and made a huge mess in palatial estate.  The nose closes with a tannic Merlot with phenolic esters that leaves me honestly kinda stumped as to what the intent was on this one.

  

Mfw this saison.

The taste is a strange sans culotte caramel and Biere de garde change jar, long oaky finish that crackles into a kinda digestif fernet closer. You probably haven’t had anything like this, unless you muddled Biere De Norma with Vicks vapor rub. I know someone did.

Certainly don’t trade for this, but if you have a Minnesota homie ask him to kick you one for the lulz and then split it like 5 ways.  You could certainly do far worse but unless you have exhausted literally all the local saison options and now are into freaky shit, nipple clamps and Juniper berries on your taint.

  
If you feelin froggy: jump.

The Midwest: still getting the Hang of Saisons, one destroyed kitchen at a time.

[fn1- don’t come to me with your Jolly Pumpkin commentary]

In what one can only assume is the scraping of the bottom of the incendiary bullshit clickbait barrel, Deadspin Concourse just released an earth-shattering determination: ” Iris is flat and boring, a one-note beer that tastes like a tablespoon of old sour cream buried in a 5-gallon bucket of dried-out topsoil.”

Read the full, expert analysis here

This article is the pinnacle of due diligence.  They sent their most knowledgeable, highest caliber beer writer, Will Gordon,  to investigate the hype behind this “Can Till Eon” and their mirthful holiday “Zwuhzaney.” In journalistic thoroughness only endemic to the highest source of craft beer news, Gordon had no fucking clue what Zwanze Day even was.  In a profound effort to pad out the article, as usual, we are treated to a first 200 word fluffpiece about other holidays to hit that clickbait requisite wordcount: FLAWLESS.

Despite having never had any Cantillon, Mr. Gordon showed his credentials for impartiality early in, “These are the sorts of beer we tend to call “sour,” even when they’re not.”  I think we can all agree that Fou Foune is lacking in this department, not that Mr. Gordon would give a single fuck about that, or even remembering which Cantillon beers he tried, aside from Iris.  The pinnacle of breaking beer prose to the masses, straight from the cauldron of Hephaestus.

The article stammers on, fixating on price like a stay at home NASCAR dad, really getting to the meat of the issue. Like Zeno’s paradox Mr. Gordon wants to challenge your mind, he notes “most of the stuff I’ve tried from them has ranged from very good to excellent” and closes with “I can’t recall what they had in 750-milliliter bottles, but I know the Cantillon they had on tap was the Iris, which we ordered and hated.” Tre magnifique, it’s like I went to the very event, such description, such consistency in imagery.

The article is padded out with more complaints about the price of his glass of Iris, which is ironic given how underpriced Cantillon is relative to demand but FUCK ALL THAT, MARZENS AMIRITE?

After dealing out upwards of 6 whole adjectives to describe Iris, Gordon feels qualified to make sweeping statements about Cantillon at large.  Being the foremost authority on beer news and a noted Marzen enthusiast, I think we owe him that.

I think the article can best be summarized by parsing down one of the final sentences:

“And I’m not qualified to comment on the actual Zwanze beer.”

“I’m not qualified to comment on actual  beer.”

“not qualified to comment on beer.”

“not qualified to comment .”

“NOT QUALIFIED.”

  
Hats off ,Will Gordon, another fantastic piece of incendiary clickbait bullshit bereft of any real investigation, knowledge, perspective, or actual talking points.  YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN YOU BEAUTIFUL GENIUS!