In what one can only assume is the scraping of the bottom of the incendiary bullshit clickbait barrel, Deadspin Concourse just released an earth-shattering determination: ” Iris is flat and boring, a one-note beer that tastes like a tablespoon of old sour cream buried in a 5-gallon bucket of dried-out topsoil.”
This article is the pinnacle of due diligence. They sent their most knowledgeable, highest caliber beer writer, Will Gordon, to investigate the hype behind this “Can Till Eon” and their mirthful holiday “Zwuhzaney.” In journalistic thoroughness only endemic to the highest source of craft beer news, Gordon had no fucking clue what Zwanze Day even was. In a profound effort to pad out the article, as usual, we are treated to a first 200 word fluffpiece about other holidays to hit that clickbait requisite wordcount: FLAWLESS.Despite having never had any Cantillon, Mr. Gordon showed his credentials for impartiality early in, “These are the sorts of beer we tend to call “sour,” even when they’re not.” I think we can all agree that Fou Foune is lacking in this department, not that Mr. Gordon would give a single fuck about that, or even remembering which Cantillon beers he tried, aside from Iris. The pinnacle of breaking beer prose to the masses, straight from the cauldron of Hephaestus.
The article stammers on, fixating on price like a stay at home NASCAR dad, really getting to the meat of the issue. Like Zeno’s paradox Mr. Gordon wants to challenge your mind, he notes “most of the stuff I’ve tried from them has ranged from very good to excellent” and closes with “I can’t recall what they had in 750-milliliter bottles, but I know the Cantillon they had on tap was the Iris, which we ordered and hated.” Tre magnifique, it’s like I went to the very event, such description, such consistency in imagery.The article is padded out with more complaints about the price of his glass of Iris, which is ironic given how underpriced Cantillon is relative to demand but FUCK ALL THAT, MARZENS AMIRITE?
After dealing out upwards of 6 whole adjectives to describe Iris, Gordon feels qualified to make sweeping statements about Cantillon at large. Being the foremost authority on beer news and a noted Marzen enthusiast, I think we owe him that.I think the article can best be summarized by parsing down one of the final sentences:
“And I’m not qualified to comment on the actual Zwanze beer.”
“I’m not qualified to comment on actual beer.”
“not qualified to comment on beer.”
“not qualified to comment .”
Hats off ,Will Gordon, another fantastic piece of incendiary clickbait bullshit bereft of any real investigation, knowledge, perspective, or actual talking points. YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN YOU BEAUTIFUL GENIUS!