Will Gordon was too Poor to Review Zwanze 2015, So I Guess DDB has to.

Well we already had a tumultuous week watching Will Gordon commit P.R. suicide live in real time amongst several magnates in the beer industry, but in that dust up old ddb plum forgot to actually review 2015 Zwanze.

When I say review, I don’t mean pad out my word count with some irrelevant ultra-basicĀ rambling and a hot two sentence tag line about the actual beer. Like as in, knowing what the fuck you are talking about and providing worthwhile commentary beyond myopic economic observations.
That kinda review.

So when Cantillon announced that they were making a sour stout of sorts, I can imagine many BMI ballers got PTSD nightmares of Zwet.be. I already saw the “TASTES LIKE TARTS OF DARKINESS!” Reviews forthcoming from the scholars on Untappd.

Thankfully, JVR’s cool hand held that black patent malt at bay and endeavored to put forth more of a blended oud bruin rather than some OOPS ALL CHOCOLATE BERRIES type of panache.

The trappings of the oudĀ bruin style itself doesn’t get us out of the woods, Cantillon abilities notwithstanding. You still get that chocolate covered cherry cordial, a touch of balsamic and acetic, and a waft of dry Korean nail salon on the finish. It’s a very very nice salon, but present nonetheless. It’s like if Rodenbach released a full size luxury line, unbrellas in the doors, but still the same Rodenbachey execution. In truth, as far as the crippled oud bruin cum de sour stout style goes, I really couldn’t imagine it being better than this.

If Cantillon came to the masses with the design for a sherry cask aged Kvass, you would still have webs of precum spun from the tips of moleskin clutchers like intricate arachnid webs.

The taste is tart at the outset akin to black cherry, Dr. pepper and cola nut. The carb is spot on, silky like a Juicy tracksuit, JVR pressed across the ass. The chocolate and stout aspects are a bit chalky and mineral along the molars but thankfully there is a tannic Cabernet finish that chain combos another sip like Glacius[fn1]

[fn1- Google “Killer Instinct”if you were drinking Ranger IPA in undergrad up until last year]

So overall, was it “worth” the price of entry? Sure, if you aren’t some EBT-tier consumer who is paid $400 a week by an Internet conglomerate to generate unfounded opinions. In that instance, yes. Is it one of the worst cantillons of recent memory? I mean, I guess? But that speaks more to the quality of their stable lineup rather than the deficiency of this beer. Pitchfork Media assholes want the same album over and over, beer “experts” want the same major chord sour blonde stone fruit riffs so they can sing their tired melodies to uncaring friends and family in dulcet tones.

Sour stouts are metal AF.

It was different, but I enjoyed it. I am not gonna make some Hentai fan fiction over it, but it was mad deece.

Ddb can review Belgian beers however they fucking want because Google translate turns the page into even less comprehensible garbage.