Tag Archives: beer

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Baird / Ishii / Stone Japanese Green Tea IPA, A Pretty Core Foreign Exchange sTEAdent

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Maybe I just don’t get it, but why does Stone need to collaborate with so many fucking people on each collaboration brew? Three breweries at once? Four? What did Ishii do for this one? Select the Tea in the online cart? Anyway, so here’s another crazy Stone threesome. Their standard IPA offerings are decent and a gentle hand of reprieve at B.J.’s so let’s see if this ups the ante into an axis of tea meets hops domination.

Time to play that classic game where you point out something in the background of my picture and make a clever quip about the vintage or rarity. Ah, never gets old.

Stone Brewing Co.
California, United States
American Double / Imperial IPA | 9.20% ABV

A: Bright orange huges with gold tones at the edges. There is minimal lacing and moderate carbonation. No middle carbonation. The legs aren’t broken, but they hobble along with an antalgic limp. This literally looks almost identical to Ruination, not that it’s a bad thing, but you figure with three entire breweries on deck, shit would get mixed up a little bit.

With several small elements in play, you can accomplish big things.

S: Big hop nose to it with citra and Amarillo, grapefruit rind and lemon zest. Lots of herbal backing but predominately Pliny/Sculpin-esque juiciness. Really great smell to this. It is akin to a refined Ruination, man, really wearing out that analogy here aren’t we? I don’t get much tea and I drank this crazy fresh.

T: There is a slight juiciness but a sharp crispness to it on the herbal note. It isn’t quite pine but it has a distinct grassiness to it. The tea notes are very faint but present. If the taste stuck to the aromatic lines it would have been exceptional, however, it is a bit divergent once you actually taste it. I imagine the board meeting being something like Stone letting them know that they had plans to put tea in a Stone IPA/Ruination cuvee and Baird and Ishii would be allowed to toss some tea in the boil.

Impressive. (C:/run_notracist.exe)

M: The mouthfeel is thin and crisp, on point with the style and very reminiscent of the regular Stone IPA with less maltiness. Hardly any coating is present but that is a good thing given the juicy and herbal notes. If a huge malt backbone were present it would be distracting, but then maybe this would be that hipster darjeeling treat that I was anticipating.

D: This is an exceptionally drinkable beer, with the proviso that you must enjoy the herbal notes going on. If the grassy bite does not turn you away, this could easily become your session beer. The high abv is not noticeable at all and leaves nothing to be desired for back to back drinking. Easily the best part of this beer, but I drank this like 9 months ago or something so it WOULD PRLY BE A SHELL OF ITS FERMER SELF.

OMG. TEA AND HOPS IN A- wait, this is almost just a regular DIPA. Sealion remains unimpressed.

Narrative: The rocking of the vessel in the Atlantic was rhythmic at times, and maddening at others. Cameron Brackish wondered if his profession was a bit out of place in this modern bustling economy, however, that blast of crisp ocean spray in his face won him over more so than any woman ever could. “Sir! The cargo of Darjeeling has come unfastened, I-” Mr. Brackish threw up a single threadbare palm and deftly gripped the thick rope and descended into the galley to inspect the tea shipment. There was the stank odor of sopping wet tea leaves, mixing with the misty air, creating a chokingly herbal intoxicating air. “Calibrate the GPS to embrace all headwinds!” He called to his first mate. Life was hard when you refused to embrace modern technology and embraced antiquated professions. “WE NEED TO GET THIS EARL GREY TO INDIAN PORTS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!” It certainly was no tea party.

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Funky Buddha Raspberry Berliner, For those days when actually eating fruit seems like too much of a hassle.

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First and foremost, map props to my buddy Diego for making this little Florida dream come true. He sent me one of these gems as an apology for something that really wasn’t even his fault, so WRAP YOUR HEAD AROUND THAT ONE. Funky Buddha knows how to whip up demand and turn out amazing beers, but today lets see if this juicy gem can take things to a Gushers level.

One of 23 bottles, people in Florida know the rules of supply and demand and cetacean farming.

The Funky Buddha Lounge & Brewery
Florida, United States
Berliner Weissbier | 5.00% ABV

First and foremost, look at that shit. It is damn near radioactive in its radiance. That is the look of something that you absolutely would never let you kids have and then they would go apeshit on at a sleepover, much to your chagrin. The thin body and light coating just lets those raspberry tannins ignite and light up the sky. Plus, I drank this in a bar so it looks like you are some lowbrow asshole who likes his Sprite easter pink (read: sizurp.) Anyway, the look is amazing but hands down, the most amazing part of this beer is the smell. Once it was opened it was like all those days spent in the everglade fields harvesting raspberries with Peruvian hired hands. Except, in my case I wasn’t being drastically underpaid and denied health care by- oh shit my soapbox broke. It is like taking DMSO and becoming one with a raspberry. The smell is so fresh and bright that you have a hard time discerning anything but fragrant tannins, mild bitterness from the fruit and a light juiciness.

This beer is unlike anything you are accustomed to, and you are likely never to see anything like it again. Drink it in.

I am talking about real raspberries, not like eating a Ring pop. This is one of the most fragrant beers ever and it’s like giving a hug to a 3rd grader but in a way THAT IS SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE AT SOCCER GAMES OK. The taste is light and a bit heavy on the body and imparts the bitter fruit tannin with a tart juiciness that is fantastic through and through. It technically isn’t on style but, not a single fuck was given, I shared this beer with like 55 people and everyone received a single molar unit so that all could espouse from the hilltops the glory of Floridians at large. I think between the readers of this site, we could literally track down every single bottle released. CONSIDER THAT A CHALLENGE.

Oh so you drank your only bottle of this rare ass beer? Well that sucks, eel with it.

I look back on raspberries past and think of sweet Lenore and out special place in the cave. People came by to take pics with the empty bottle, if that gives you any idea of the type of canonization that this juicy beast imparted, and all were unified. Straight up Edict of Nantes in this bitch.

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Beachwood BBQ Tart Simpson Berlinerweiss, Eat My Inoculated Shorts, Man

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Spring is here and the days of turf rebuilding and sitting through shitty Junior Varsity television program lineups is upon us. What better way to shake off all those thick stout releases than with a crisp refreshing beer and getting twisted like those crazy Berliners. Actually, this would take quite a bit to get you Berliner wasted, good thing Beachwood sells growlers, a reasonable 64oz serving size for those times when the kids wont listen and the social worker listens even less.

Unlike the Simpsons, this beer hasn't jumped the shark yet, it is just getting started.

Beachwood BBQ & Brewing
Long Beach, California (NOT SEAL BEACH)
Berliner Weissbier | 3.00% ABV

This beer is like that refreshing yea-sayer friend that supports you in all your endeavors, unlike your friend that is just into Yeasayer, who is a negative asshole. You feel like quitting your job to start a Phish cover band? This beer is all about it. Every idea is a refreshing burst of lemony apricot zest with a bit of wheat for those days when you were weiss-curious. The look is as transparent as a Dan Brown novel, nice lucid yellow tones like a gentle stage light. The lacing is minimal but, bubbles only slow down the massive consumption.

This can be enjoyed at any time, all the time. It may not be directly on to style and it may not have a ton of adjuncts like Berliners coming from say, FLORIDA, but it is still a solid enjoyable pal who will assure you in that juicy manner that it wasn’t a dog that you just hit.

A: It has the dull shine of an amiable glass of pinot grigio, like yellow radiance with pure translusence that you can see right through like drunken pickup lines. Nice clarity and Juicy Juicy character that has minimal carbonation, but like a Hootie and the Blowfisk record, you’ll tolerate it.

Wait, 64 ounces costs how much? Take my money sour ghost.

S: The smell is pretty tame and doesn’t rope a dope any punches on the acidic front but it does contribute a nice lemony zest with some light musk. This could be more wafty, but for the ABV and grain bill, you can’t demand the world I suppose. I get a mild gose-esqye salinity that I actually think smells crisp and refreshing, like biting into a pear.

T: This is one of the most refreshing beers that I have had recently. With the slew of high abv winter releases, it’s good to tone things down a bit and have just a splash of juice and lemony jazz up in my mouth hole. You could put this in a Michelob Ultra bike bottle and refresh yourself on a long half century ride, if you were a negligent ass cyclist. There’s a nice pear and apple aspect to it that just screams summer fun like Super Soaking jamammy with a water pistol.

The flavor to alcohol ratio is complete inconsistent, but non-canon things aren't always bad.

M: This is incredibly light, with a mild salty tartness and faint drying aspect. This doesn’t wipe out the gumline, but keeps you looking for that next sip.

D: This is where this beer shines, a growler is an appropriate serving for one so plan accordingly. The refreshing taste coupled with the tart notes and the low ABV means that some lawns are getting mowed at the helm of this gentle fawn. Hell, enough growlers and you might even get that Trans-AM running that you have been putting off for so long. Sky’s the limit with this Berliner.

This beer defies genres and expectations but leaves you aware enough to contemplate its unique nature.

Narrative: Abilify wasn’t working, Zoloft was a joke, and damn near every reverse seratonin uptake inhibitor just rankled his jimmies, specifically the Jimmies of Jimmy James. His family left him due to his crippling depression and he resorted to horrible scrapbooking until one day he stumbled upon a 64oz container in the beach under some driftwood. “Great, more glass garbage on the bea-” and just then a citrus genie whooshes out in a gentle Febreeze demeanor. “Heyyyy, let’s get some Chipotle and then get a sketch pad and some charcoal pens-” this genie was super chill and filled to the brim with awesome ideas. After a hasty 64 ounces, Jimmy James’s jimmies remained completely unrankled. All of a sudden extended warranties seemed like a pretty legit idea, checking in on old ex-girlfriends just to chat didn’t seem so bad, and heck, maybe a no show at work wouldn’t be the end of the world. With this juicy ghost, the world slowed down and he could just take in the gentle complexity of a yet another American Pie sequel. He finally knew what it felt like to live in Berlin.

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Olde Hickory Seven Devils, For those times when Six Devils Just Isn’t Cutting it.

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My buddy Steve Kim came through and was repping his set real hard, to the extent that he dropped a North Carolina bomb on my doorstep. Even Petey Pablo wiped a tear away when he saw just how hard the block was repped. Well, here’s a style that I don’t enjoy, done by a brewery that I do enjoy. So let’s see what the net result is.

This is how people in North Carolina stay warm during coal rationing.


Bourbon Barrel Seven Devils, Scotch Ale, 8% abv

Brewed in honor of the poor souls who live in a part of the Blue Ridge Mountains said to be “as cold as seven devils”.

“Seven Devils is a Scottish-Style Ale aged in bourbon barrels to create an liberation to delight the soul. Rich, smooth malt blended with the complex flavors associated with bourbon. Perfect for the winter months.”

Can’t argue with that I guess.

A: Deep murky mahogany hues interplay with an impermeable chocolate visage. The carbonation is tough to rankle its jimmies, the Snorolax lacing just dances on the surfaces and chills like a 7th grader during a slow song.

"Our band is totally gonna play Coachella main stage, we just played Zinger's Pool Hall in Burlington. Crazy dissonance."

S: The smell is fantastic with a huge waft of bourbon, vanilla bean, nougat, and chocolate Charleston Chew. It reminds me of a more relaxed old ale but it still smells fantastic. The bourbon works well with this malt like Protoss and Pylons.

T: The taste doesn’t have the huge bourbon or sticky sweet notes that I was looking for and it goes a more oaky, drying route. The malt is relaxed and lights up my chest a bit not with an overpowering alcohol waft, but a kind of hoppy dryness that reminds me of a charred jack and coke.

This beer is only 8% but it feels like something that would incapacitate me much more.

M: The mouthfeel walks a fine line between the overpowering maltiness and a gentle wateriness that makes it hit just the right divide between the two. In the interest of full disclosure, I don’t usually like this style, but I feel that the barrel added that lil zip that pushed it into the “recommended” zone.

D: This is not an exceptionally drinkable beer but, I dont think that Olde Hickory was looking for that in this go round. While it may not have the lasting appeal of a juicy DIPA or tart character of a well-done lambic, this has its own little sense of pizzazz that makes me come back for a second pour, but not a second bottle. It is kinda like Minkus on Boy Meets World, you don’t want an entire episode about him, but when he’s gone, you miss him. Oh Seven Devils, shall I compare you to a winter’s day?

Bourbon. Oak. Malt. I can't believe this shiiii-

Narrative: The sheeting rain fell with demonstrative force upon Daniel’s Mitsubishi Mirage. The blue tint and tanabe exhaust seemed excessive in the scope of this impending flood. He rushed from the soaked awning and jumped into the hard interior, shaking from punishing dampness. “Suckitinsuckitincomeagainifyourimpolin-” Daniel hated Blues Traveler and this twist of fate only made his situation worse. “The HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK brings you downnnn-” he flipped off the radio angrily and looked at his text messages from the night before. A night of whiskey, bourbon, and scotch were only 3 of the seven devils that he had encountered the night before. The other 3 were alcoholic, the final boss was his now ex-girlfriend, Daedra. Sometimes, the seventh devil hurts the worst. His new LCD tv has a noticeable slash across it, and the Cutco warranty remained intact. The tires of the economy car splashed water over the curb and he hydroplaned for a moment and burped, still tasting that oaky heat in his chest. “MAYB IF YOU WERENT BITCH THEN SEX WOULD BE HAPEN.” He looked at last night’s text in horror and swore he wouldn’t drink Maker’s Mark for at least 5 days.

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Pannepot 2005 Grand Reserva, Because I Had So Many Amazing Memories of Nothing From 2005

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Oh well, another day and another top 100 beer, ho hum, just another day in the life of a gosh darn overseer.

This review is actually the ultra-baller 2005 Grand Reserve bottling of Pannepot, but oh well, you get the idea, ONLY MORE BALLER.

Pannepot 2005 Grand Reserva, Quad, 10% abv

A: deep chocolate brown with a slightly offwhite head that produces nice lacing. Not exceptional carbonation but it is the 2005 batch so complaints dont seem to be in order, henceforth, the beggars become the choosers.

I wasn't a huge fan of quads but, after you have some top tier shit, you want to catch em all.

S: This seems to be its weakest trait with the anticipated huge dark fruit bouquet being rather muted, more of just a general sweetness without pronounced notes, it’s like when I tried to learn Clarinet, you know the greatness was there, the notes were just a little fucked up.

T: The smell does not indicate the incredibly rich profile of this beer, deep roasted almond notes, burnt currant, s;ightly boozy character with minimal heat that is displaced by a nice finishing sweetness. The taste more than makes up for any other shortcomings, it’s a rich kiss from uncle quad and there’s serious boozy wincest.

I know I am experiencing something amazing but at the same time, I can't help but feel like a total piece of shit for not sharing.

M: the mouthfeel lingers for just enough time, but leaves you wanting more, like each song in the first 2 Ramones albums. The coating is just long enough to make an impression, but not long enough to be overwhelming. As far as quads go, this is pretty light on the maltiness and I think given the character of the fruit notes, it is better as a result

D: Most quads wear out their welcome either due to overpowering booziness or an expansive maltiness that takes over your palate and stomach like japanese kudzu. this is a great beer that you could substitute for any beer in its class and people would welcome the complex sweet notes and high abv. Give this to any Newcastle drinker and bankrupt your friends overnight.

Struise are in Europe but I pretty much imagine shit is popping off like this after hours

Narrative: This was easily the worst High School Reunion that Jacob mellors had ever been to, and he had seen his fair share. His obsession of crashing High School Reunions started simple enough, play the role of the muted Magic the Gathering player, the forgotten 4th chair trombone, lay low. It worked like clockwork, the open bar started flowing, old enemies regailing each other with carrer conquest exploits, soon Jacob, soon. His latent abilities went far beyond the scope of the pedestrian masses that he regailed. At the strike of each gala, 3 hours in, he would emerge as the forgotten socialite besting the former nerds in volairean wit, intimidating the portly former jocks with a panache and bravado that oozed confidence. It was this latent power that fed him at night, the knowledge that his unknown ability was his greatest asset. However, he could not drink so much that night as it was mid-november and class reunion season was in full swing.

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Mikkeller 10 IPA, Oh wow, ten types of hops, hold on let me call the Prime Minister

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Oh wow, another one of those cute vintage reviews that you have to suffer through, back when I was all serious and hardline on beer content that no one gives a fuck about. Oh well, just suck it up, I am sure there will be some slams against community college students soon enough.

MIkkeller Ten, Ten Times as expensive as things you can just get from California.

Mikkeller 10, IPA, 6.9%

A: it appears traditional enough, orange hues with light amber hues, HUGE foamy head that is relentless and annoying like Jehovas witness followers. The head lingers like a watchtower pamphlet to your chagrin.

No amount of cute hedgehogs can make this beer worthwhile.

S: smell has a huge floral bouquet that raises itself like an avenging ghost for thousands of fallen hop friends, it reminds me of those angry flowers in Ursula’s cave in the Little Mermaid that are relentless and drag you back for more.

T: The taste is fairly predicatable, with some bittering notes and some herbal finish but nothing to really make it fall out of the rank and file of standard IPAs, with the exception of a nice maltiness that links up with a sort of herbal finish that makes it delicious, but inaccessible and cumbersome to enjoy at length due to cost prohibitions.

Would I like to pay for another overpriced Mikkeller beer? No. I always say no.

M: the mouthfeel is awesome with great balance for the single IPA style, very drinkable and a superbly balanced IPA for the new-comer, it is a college freshman dewey eyed and receptive to many tastes, with reciprocal affection in turn.

D: This beer is exceptionally drinkable, economically infeasible. There are cheaper alternatives that are better suited and better equipped. Go with those, leave this section alone unless you find a patch of it exceptionally cheap.

It's a mediocre IPA, get over it and drink something else. Space Gorilla has spoken.

Narrative: “wait wait, the MSRP on this car is only 20 grand, how did this final invoice total over FORTY THOUSAND?!” The auto dealer sighed and decided to err on the side of propriety “well, when you walked through the doors of Encino Hyundai, I knew that was a man who likes comfort and the finer things in life, so sure, I could have put you in a run of the mill Elantra and think nothing of it” “yes that is exactly what I was looking for” “BUT THEN i thought, no, you know what, what is a car without a suede roof, prada leather, 4 navis, and optional hydrogen cells” The car gleamed under 7 clear coats and was quite a sight to look at, but at the core of it, a mediocre compact sedan that has been polished to a strange refinement. The core experience is nothing to write home about, however, a certain panache has driven up the price inexplicably. “Listen I am not saying that the ostrich interior is too gaudy, it is, but I just cant afford this.” The car dealer looked remonstratively at the car and ruefully pointed to the fishtank in the truck. “Well….can I show you our new…Santa Fes?”

1

GEMS FROM THE 2012 DDB VAULT: Ayinger Celebrator Doppelbock , The Doppel Block is Hot, wha wha, Block is hot, wha wha

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I found this in “unfinished drafts” from 2012.  You can drink in this classic review from over six years ago, aint shit changed but my limp:

Oh wow. A top 100 beer that pretty much everyone and their step-grandmother has had. Nothing interesting to say about this old german hag right? FUCKING WRONG.

I say things all day long and use all the words until you cant see nothing left for the meaning has.

Celebrator, Ayinger, Doppelbock

A: It looks like a Dr. Pepper 10, not in the graces that it is somehow not for women, but in the manner in which it pours. German beers always have this hard water discountenance that exhibits a graceful clinging and their lacing is unparalelled. Do I need to remind you of the Andescher Dunkel review? No, let’s not go there. But regardless it has a nice pretty watery nature that just lends itself to expansive frothy bubbles that cling and lace the glass demonstratively.

img_1949

S: You get a bit of cinnamon, cardamon, brown sugar, and tree bark. Also, in a weird way it smells like pennies when the bubbles be all popping. It is not a bad thing, it just reminds me of the coinstar machine, but in a sexy way. It has a pretty legitimate stone quality to the water that lets you know that what it lacks in malty base, it will make up for in lip smacking water recipe. AND IT FUCKING DOES.

T: Ok so at the outset you are like, alright, cola, nice almond, ok what’s that? Oh a belgian sweetness- WAIT HOLY FUCK and a deep turbinado sugar shows up all Belgian and decadent, not giving a single fuck. He’s a nice enough guy, but he spends so much time lounging around your house and palate.

M: This is clean and reminds of a cross between a dunkel and barleywine, if anyone has ever done that? Who knows anything is possible.

O: This is a very solid beer and reminiscent of older times, when things were simpler, beers were cleaner and not as chaotic as the beer scene now. I just wish new breweries would embrace and revitalize this style instead of nonstop IPAs pounding my hoppy perineum.

1477074883716

Narrative:

[it appears the narrative was incomplete for this one and that’s why it was never posted, oh well.]

0

Minnesota Town Hall, Czar Jack, Just Straight Up Czar Jacking It

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This beer is released once a year and only 80 growlers are filled. OH SHIT BRAGGING SESSION COMMENCES. Just kidding, this is another top 100 beer that took me a long time to land and it was well worth it.

People be all like “What you finna do with all that stout, all that stout up in that growl(er)”

DO WHAT I ALWAYS DO, TAKE THIS SHIT TO THE DANGER ZONE.

Nobody reads shit on Saturdays anyway.

If Czar Jack was stuck on a roof, would you help Czar Jack off?

Minnesota Town Hall, Czar Jack, Russian Imperial Stout, 9.3% abv

A: The carbonation just cascades in tiny clusters clinging to the center and edges of the glass like that Ewok village when it is night time, little constellations of potential drunk and disorderly charges, a mocha head of “these cuffs are too tight.”

S: Just wow, the smell is like fresh baked fudge, a light boozy aroma like an aunt who has a secret to tell, nice nutty almond dryness and of course a burnt coffee waft closes the deal. Your pants are off and the hotel bill will reflect the shame of your actions, namely drinking an entire growler.

You crack a 64oz growler of this and shit just goes bananas. B A N A N A N A N A N A N A S. That's how you spell bananas.

T: The coffee taste with mild acidity is the first thing that rolls up with an insouciant swagger oh and he brought two hoes with him, bourbon and dutch chocolate. The taste applies a single Sherman Williams coat and then just goes on its merry way, smashing in tastebuds and giving palate HJs on the way down.

M: The mouthfeel is amongst the lightest that I have ever encountered in the world class stout category. It is almost like an imperial porter in how clean and effortlessly this beer works your tongue over. It coats nicely but doesn’t overstay its welcome. This beer is down for a chocolate one night stand and then peaces out, but makes the bed first. I am ok with that.

There was so much hype surrounding this beer I was a skeptical hippo but, well here we are and I am still riding this brewery's jock so hard.

D: This is incredibly drinkable and dangerous for a beer at this ABV level. It doesn’t get all caught up with emotional coffee baggage, or talk about its daddy chocolate issues. This shit is just down to bang your palate and just be a super chill ryde or die stout. I want more of it, but I heard about their new procedure for landing Czar jack and it sounds fucking hellish lotteries, local rewards, club cards and shit. So this may be the final growler that I enjoy of this elusive potation. BUT THEN AGAIN MAYBE SHE WEEEIIILLLLL.

At first I was excited for 2 liters of this beer, then I was like-

Narrative: Chancellor Billingsley was a charitable man, but in a strange, offputting manner. He has a zest for philanthropy, but in what amounted to a purely hateful manner. “Regis, please assemble the equipage of the 14 stallion carriage, I would like to donate sums to the mealymouthed masses.” He strode sternly to the awaiting carriage and sat sumptuously upon the Gala Coupe` with a large sack of heavy Spanish doubloons. “Now bring the trot to an idle speed-” he said as he cocked his arm back towards the throngs of commoners descending upon his carriage. “AND HERE IS YOUR MONTH’S RENT!” he called as a cast a weighty solid gold coin cascading directly to the temple of an alms seeker with her threadbare hands outstretched. “You see Regis, without the loss of consciousness, they would never embrace the blessing I am bestowing upon them, it takes a complete debilitating blow to show them the honor and glory of my fugue.” One child was seen both simultaneously crying and cheering with a bruised imprint of Queen Isabella knocked deeply into his epidermis.

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Big Sky Brewing Company, Ivan the Terrible, Large Scale Colonization of Siberia and this Domepiece

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I had wanted to track this beer down ever since I first started trading but I always got led off the path of Terribleness. Anyway, after I tried Old Bluehair I decided that people in Montana knew what the fuck that they were doing and sought out this gem. Cool story Hansel.

Ivan the Nuanced Coffeemonster is more apt, but less likely to unify modern Russia.

Big Sky Brewing Company, Ivan the Terrible, Russian Imperial Stout (duh) 10% abv

A: This beer has a nice slick cola look to it, a bit off the beaten path, like RC Cola. Nice carbonation, I mean, look above, more head than a goiter survivors support group.

This beer is strange, but ultimately very likeable. You root for it deep down, you want the chocolate to prevail.

S: The smell has all the old tricks you’d expect, cocoa, nice very understated booziness, and a dry roast coffee that has some dryness. Brownie batter, nom’s abound.

T: The taste expounds on the coffee and chocolate interplay and it’s like what an alcoholic baker would indulge himself with, all sticky with sweetness balanced by the pound of flesh of coffee presented. There’s a candy toffee note that carries this to more memorable levels. PROTIP: I drank a glass that was left out all night and IT WAS EVEN BETTER. Something about this beer being oxidized makes it even better. I dont know why, but if you are that decadent that you can waste expensive rare beers on science experiments, do that shit and stop bragging about it.

At first this beer seems like a bad decision, but it gets way better. Unlike this shitty tattoo.

M: This is where this beer is lacking. It almost feels like an imperial porter in the way the light permeates it easily and the coating is like the unsatisfactory job of some lazy ass Home Depot parking lot warriors. I dont want to suggest the malt bill should be boosted because then it would be a sticky mess, ho hum. First World Beer problems. Tsingtao drinkers dont know the shit that I go through. FEEL ME.

D: This is a mid-ranger in the drinkability section because the ABV will getcha, and the thin profile makes you want more so it balances out. You get your kid a car, but then dont pay for the first year of Community College. The world is right again. I don’t want more than a bottle of this, if that is considered restraint then Epicurus your ass on out of here, Stoics.

The epic debate. Do I want more darkness for a more substantial mouthfeel. Holy mixed metaphors, this discussion is going off the rai-

Narrative: Ivan looked down from his newspaper and shook his head in frustration, “THEY WONT USE THE GOD DAMN PORT I BUILT THEM AT NARVA!” His chancellor shook silently at the rage that he knew was forthcoming. Baltic goods kept pouring in, Toffee, Chocolate, Coffee: The Russians were gourmands despite being within perpetual starvation during the 16th century. “What must I do? Fine, if they wish to continue to oppose my chocolate blockades, I am just going to have to raze Kazan to the ground. THEIR IMPETUOUS NATURE MUST BE QUELLED.” Deep down Ivan was conflicted, he had a severe sweet tooth that he attempted to suppress, and a deep alcoholic nature that remained in constant remission. How ironic that he would die a peaceful death, the chocolate master of war passing away while dreaming of sweet toffee, passing his pawn with grave severity.

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Narragansett Summer Ale, for those about to Sum sum.

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Did you ever see that movie Contact with Jodie Foster? This beer is about as exciting as that shit.

Nothing really to explain here, it’s a watery, canned, kinda depressing sort of beer. You get a wheat, grassy, grainy taste and then it is over. The perfect beer to enjoy while experiencing an awkward silence with your stepdad on a fishing trip.

I always get these as extras and I am not sure if other people drink these or just pass them on to me to break my balls. It’s like so many other things that the sheer ph7 neutral is difficult to describe. Listen to some Dishwalla or Deep Blue Something while drinking this.

The sheer reality of this beer is simple, but strangely distressing.