Beachwood BBQ Tart Simpson Berlinerweiss, Eat My Inoculated Shorts, Man

Spring is here and the days of turf rebuilding and sitting through shitty Junior Varsity television program lineups is upon us. What better way to shake off all those thick stout releases than with a crisp refreshing beer and getting twisted like those crazy Berliners. Actually, this would take quite a bit to get you Berliner wasted, good thing Beachwood sells growlers, a reasonable 64oz serving size for those times when the kids wont listen and the social worker listens even less.

Unlike the Simpsons, this beer hasn't jumped the shark yet, it is just getting started.

Beachwood BBQ & Brewing
Long Beach, California (NOT SEAL BEACH)
Berliner Weissbier | 3.00% ABV

This beer is like that refreshing yea-sayer friend that supports you in all your endeavors, unlike your friend that is just into Yeasayer, who is a negative asshole. You feel like quitting your job to start a Phish cover band? This beer is all about it. Every idea is a refreshing burst of lemony apricot zest with a bit of wheat for those days when you were weiss-curious. The look is as transparent as a Dan Brown novel, nice lucid yellow tones like a gentle stage light. The lacing is minimal but, bubbles only slow down the massive consumption.

This can be enjoyed at any time, all the time. It may not be directly on to style and it may not have a ton of adjuncts like Berliners coming from say, FLORIDA, but it is still a solid enjoyable pal who will assure you in that juicy manner that it wasn’t a dog that you just hit.

A: It has the dull shine of an amiable glass of pinot grigio, like yellow radiance with pure translusence that you can see right through like drunken pickup lines. Nice clarity and Juicy Juicy character that has minimal carbonation, but like a Hootie and the Blowfisk record, you’ll tolerate it.

Wait, 64 ounces costs how much? Take my money sour ghost.

S: The smell is pretty tame and doesn’t rope a dope any punches on the acidic front but it does contribute a nice lemony zest with some light musk. This could be more wafty, but for the ABV and grain bill, you can’t demand the world I suppose. I get a mild gose-esqye salinity that I actually think smells crisp and refreshing, like biting into a pear.

T: This is one of the most refreshing beers that I have had recently. With the slew of high abv winter releases, it’s good to tone things down a bit and have just a splash of juice and lemony jazz up in my mouth hole. You could put this in a Michelob Ultra bike bottle and refresh yourself on a long half century ride, if you were a negligent ass cyclist. There’s a nice pear and apple aspect to it that just screams summer fun like Super Soaking jamammy with a water pistol.

The flavor to alcohol ratio is complete inconsistent, but non-canon things aren't always bad.

M: This is incredibly light, with a mild salty tartness and faint drying aspect. This doesn’t wipe out the gumline, but keeps you looking for that next sip.

D: This is where this beer shines, a growler is an appropriate serving for one so plan accordingly. The refreshing taste coupled with the tart notes and the low ABV means that some lawns are getting mowed at the helm of this gentle fawn. Hell, enough growlers and you might even get that Trans-AM running that you have been putting off for so long. Sky’s the limit with this Berliner.

This beer defies genres and expectations but leaves you aware enough to contemplate its unique nature.

Narrative: Abilify wasn’t working, Zoloft was a joke, and damn near every reverse seratonin uptake inhibitor just rankled his jimmies, specifically the Jimmies of Jimmy James. His family left him due to his crippling depression and he resorted to horrible scrapbooking until one day he stumbled upon a 64oz container in the beach under some driftwood. “Great, more glass garbage on the bea-” and just then a citrus genie whooshes out in a gentle Febreeze demeanor. “Heyyyy, let’s get some Chipotle and then get a sketch pad and some charcoal pens-” this genie was super chill and filled to the brim with awesome ideas. After a hasty 64 ounces, Jimmy James’s jimmies remained completely unrankled. All of a sudden extended warranties seemed like a pretty legit idea, checking in on old ex-girlfriends just to chat didn’t seem so bad, and heck, maybe a no show at work wouldn’t be the end of the world. With this juicy ghost, the world slowed down and he could just take in the gentle complexity of a yet another American Pie sequel. He finally knew what it felt like to live in Berlin.


Barrel Aged Token Porter, Infected, but still an amazing zombie life.

The beer nerd rumor mill grinds away on poor Alpine and their barrel aged offerings. I liked this beer but some people said it was a bit infected. I SAY THEY CAN DIACETYL THIS DI-

Infected Shminchmecked. This beer is still a solid delicious drinker.

Alpine Bourbon Barrel Aged Token, Porter, 9.5% Abv

A: The appearance is a bit watery with a deep mahogany that provides a little bit of sheen like a Head and Shoulder commercial. The bubbles are frothy and tiny. They provide little in the way of lacing but the middle carbonation bubbles throughout. Not even mad tho, haters gonna hate.

IMPLYING that a little infection is always a bad thing.

S: There’s some vanilla, coffee, burnt chocolate, and some oakiness to it. There isn’t a big bourbon waft to it. The nose isn’t too overwhelming but not distracting either. Its like Judy Winslow, she’s chill but an enjoyable support character.

T: There is a nice vanilla warmth to it on the initial taste the fades into a dark chocolate slickness. The hops are muted on the back end with a chalky oakiness that is incredibly refreshing. The lingering sweetness stays on the gumline and is delicious.

99% of other beers are not infected, but many of them are worthless and annoying.

M: The mouthfeel has absolutely no alcohol waft to it, but it also lacks a serious barrel presence. It is crisp and washes away incredibly quickly with a bit of coffee and vanilla lingering. This seems like a sneaky ninja porter that secretly imparts the flavor and leaves the user confused as to where all the ninja stars in his palate came from.

D: This is the most drinkable porter that I have ever tasted. The thin body and intense flavor make it wash away clean without a serious malty interference. It has a watery middle body that, at first blush, was a bit disappointing, but ultimately became a huge merit in the drink ability section. The old Peter Porter robbing to pay Paul Porter. Ultimately, this is a great porter and one of my favorites, but it isn’t the greatest porter of all time.

you know there's something inherently wrong with it, but, you just cant stop.

Narrative: People told him that he was infected, but he didn’t believe them. He pressed on with his research. The mild coughing and sores spread gently and steadily but Jarvis Diacete would not be stopped. With careful atomic reduction, he could make the most powerful bourbon ever created. A writing deep brown sludge screeched in a beaker entreatingly gripping the glass. “Oh soon Barrelor, you shall embrace the sweet ague of the South.” The press condemned his amplification of barrel technology and noted that he would destroy humanity. Ah, infected Jarvis was, but on his way to a sour greatness indeed.