In honor of 8/17 BIL day I figured what better day to pop arguably one of the greatest barleywines of all time GOat Alert 🐐 🚨: Kuhnhenn Bbbw. There’s not a ton left to say about this absolute flawless cold pressed malt juice. Some would argue that barleywine is the culmination of beer itself [lambicbros chill] and so lounging on the peak of the style itself is both dangerous and keeps you light headed. This beer is classic, insanely powerful, and timeless: the 2Jz block of the beer world. You can overclock your evening and apply all the boost in the world for maximum malty blowoff out of this bourbon waste gate. Toyota MKIV Supra references aside, this reminds me so much of that endlessly powerful and polarizing offering. It never falls in the sticky toffee sweet realm and this is the standard bearer for the excellence of what barrel aging can do to make an American Barleywine defy all preconceived notions of what that style can accomplish. It’s caramelized figs, brown sugar jansport leather, soaked deck staves, and this endless sustain of bitter bakers chocolate and cask strength wheated bourbon. It is spiritual Olestra and will clean your shit out physically and emotionally. You owe me a nine second beer.

The Monkish unfiltered pilsner generated more buzz and sold faster than the hypeslurry IPA. The beer world is changing in a crazy fractal way that no one would have predicted years ago, part reactionary part revolutionary it is the sword of Damacles severing the hardcore nerds, but uniting those who are jaded with the neophytes. It’s like when you drive a Honda CR-X until the miles roll over and suddenly new import dudes are in love with your retrodrop. The pilsner is the razors edge of clean Ritz cracker and chivey grands biscuit but endlessly swallowable. The 2 four pack limit is almost mean spirited. It will evaporate into my liver in an ethereal fashion. The IPA is a weight reduced version of atomically that is nimble and never understand or flabs up its welcome, an Aristotelean mean between session and the sometimes theraflu crackly oily body. I can already hear dipshits complaining aborlut 1] $4 pilsner cans 2] that they work at T Mobile and can’t drop their Galaxy S invoice to attend a monkish release 3] probably some dumbfuck DMing me telling me their subjective impressions about the most accessible beer style and why I am “wrong” about their ironclad opinions having been in beer since way back when MASTERSHREDDER CAME OUT 4] rhizome pud pixxxx.

Hahahha this is like American Ninja warrior meets Alone for doughy beer nerds. Maladjusted dudes fly thousands of miles to Alaska in October to compete for sugar water. They will face no guarantee of allotment, girlfriend disapproval for leaving Halloween weekend, freezing conditions, hours in darkness spent sitting outdoors in the snow and dropping nearly all of their expendable income for this “vacation”/shot at malty immortality. I can’t wait to see the cargo shorts and scotch guarded north face fleeces, soaked etnies, frozen over plugs having shares in tundra conditions with bottles so cold that you can’t even taste the contents. Bonus points for the steam breathing redfaced assholes who go on a Chaplinesque Gold Rush to the great north with hopes of reselling their bottles. This has all the makings of the best beer release event to ever happen ever.

“Bro let’s buy chains and just caravan it, gas is cheap now, plus the boxer and rear wheel can handle it-“

2015 bb4d just absolutely god tier liquid. In the beer world it’s difficult to reach and expression of age and oak and depth, peanut brittle and manhattan drenched lucky charmsmallows. I remember 2015 being the “worst” vintage of this absolutely immaculate lineage and that makes this like a regular ass Ferrari California, poor you. You’ll be ok. The swallow is a touch too dry and oaky but the rest of the composition is so well integrated that it’s kinda like Proteus book III in Ulysses, some people might give up for those minor negs early on and do themselves a huge disservice. Let everyone else so dome level1 elliptical shit, ddb and BIL engage that core with this malty lifting tracking them barrel knees over them bourbon toes.

Top ten favorite beer of all time and arguably the best barleywine ever made.

Crushing generosity god damn.

Barrel aged adambier isn’t Life per de but it’s god damn close to it, it’s like Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina. I went into this expecting a lean scrap box fight akin to BA vermillion and got something totally unexpected: a blast of red fruit like some Gushers extra. The carb and mouthfeel leaves something to be desired but after letting Alan Sprints step on my cubes repeatedly with those Doggy style offerings, I’ll let tepid body slide. You ever swipe right for PERSONALITy? lol she has a Tardis on her profile wow so wacky. This exudes originality and charm, and the nose is a wild ride of turbinado sugar, plum, leather bicycle seat, sugar babies and caramelized raisins. The body is relatively thin, but it almost has this mouthfeel like a massive napa Grenache with bakers chocolate up in the mix. It feels boozier and more substantial than the 10% abv would suggest, and the swallow has this weird phenolic spiciness almost akin to a BA st bernardus or, stay with me here, like an old Fantome Noel. I can’t place how @cory_king_ did it, but it’s as packed with detail in a taut package like Updike prose. There’s depth in its economy. It’s one of the least flabby Side Project beers but still retains a nuanced approach to essentially untread ground. This is Adam from the Woods sensitive younger brother that does improv and Academic Decathlon. 

I don’t know if I can fap to this but I will damn well try

This beer is so god damn delicious and accessible that it single handedly destabilizes the dipshit beer trading game. Every time this is bottled Fedex stock plummets and maladjusted pokeBros have to evaluate their priorities and the laughable diminishing returns in their “hobby.” It’s that tasty and it sits at the fukn grocery store. Sure we can twist our nips and cry about Heineken ownership, fine all day. But ultimately the roast barrel profile and fantastic heft and viscosity of the body blows more inaccessible offerings away and then you see the price and it’s like a DDT to your Maslow hierarchy of validation. If you predicate your self esteem on consumption, then this won’t move the needle because it’s garden fare that everyone can partake in, it’s not the one off color Yeezy boosts that make you feel accomplished: instead it’s just a tasty beer. What a fukn rip off.

Well I spoke too soon: this is easily the worst beer I have had in 2017 and potentially top 10 worst beer that I have ever had the misfortune of sampling. I am sitting here reeling trying to decide what’s shittier, this roasted Michelin pipe of raked compost, or Eminem Encore, clean edition. It’s seriously so unapproachably offputting. Where do we begin? You get oil refinery, yard waste bin, ROOR water, and latex balloons filled with your parents separation paperwork. It’s soul crushing and the nadir of what fermented liquids are capable of, the liquid form of dog fighting, pure depraved sadness devoid of Merit. If you love terroir and insanely peaty gems, but also enjoy inherently flawed beers, you are the tiny segment this beer seeks to reach in its penumbra. If you’ve ever driven the i5 through central California and smelt those cow manure meets tire fire pockets that approach without warning, then here we are. It’s almost fascinating in how terrible it is, a Joe Rogan cicerone fear factor challenge. This is not “so bad it’s good” like Stallone in Cobra, this is so bad it’s actually worse like Birdemic 2. The fact that someone crowd sourced this leads me to believe this has to be a joke, it’s impossible from a sensory basis to want this. 

As much as I rip on Mob Craft, this adjunct bomb is easily the best thing they’ve made and even globally falls somewhere in the realm of [prebuyout Funky Buddha] except there’s no cocks on the label. It’s not heavy handed with the residual sugars, nice toasted pumpernickel, massive chunks of hazel nut floating like fucking dandruff in the substrate, but it’s oddly welcome in its filth. Unlike their other beers this isn’t something you give to your friend and wait for Ashton to pop out. This is far from a “Carthaginian Solution” and there is no palatial destruction. It’s entirely drinkable and the adjuncts never dominate. It’s legitimately a good beer, and that almost makes things worse. If a brewery is some five tap handle 001 strain shit run by a guy whose stepdad gave him a loan then ok, fuck that guy. But the fact that the same brewery can turn out so many terrible beers and one, just one exceptional liquid, places it solidly in the “East End Brewing” of hat tricks. Kinda like Megaman in Marvel v. Capcom, this is extremely fair, enjoyable, won’t dominate or make your tasting feel broken. Fantastic Nutella and cocoa scone in a clean profile, what’s not to love.

Even a broken mash tun sparges right twice a day.