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50/50 Brewing Coconut Eclipse, This Beer Smells like the Pool at Wet Republic. With less Aqua Di Gio.

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I always hesitate to bring Eclipseses into the fray on this site.  Usually you have a teeming mass of bottleshop assholes you want to chime in about PRICING or VARIENTS or WHECH ONE IS BEST THES YEAR.  It is exhausting to stay ahead of the pack when every time I know I have to look down the barrel of garrulous assholes ready to jump all over this tirefire of a website.  To remedy this I have elected to review the 150 bottle, most RAER deviant to prevent grocery store assholes from rocking the boat.

So they gave away one of these to each of the 150 people who showed up for the 50/50 Eclipse release party way up near Donner pass where people ate one another in the Sierras before craft beer was popular.  So rare instantly means the best right? ADDING COCONUT MAKES THINGS INSTANTLY AMAZING? Well unfortunately in this instance I can’t parade out tired criticism against adjunct stouts because this beer is actually phenomenal, so I have to holster my classic Propreeshittors rhetoric that I was so ready to dispense.  It actually sucks for this site when a brewery releases a rare beer that is incredible.  Some people don’t even understand the struggle.

Cant wait to see a bunch of offshelf ballers once again post pics "IS THIS COCONUT? SAW IT AT MY STORE IN CENTRAL INDIANA IS IT THE COCONUT THO, LOOKS LIKE IT I THINK IT IS COCKNUTS"

Cant wait to see a bunch of offshelf ballers once again post pics “IS THIS COCONUT? SAW IT AT MY STORE IN CENTRAL INDIANA IS IT THE COCONUT THO, LOOKS LIKE IT I THINK IT IS COCKNUTS”

50/50 Brewing, Sierra Mountainsland

Imperial Stout, 11% abv, fermentable coconut driving up that abv obvi

A:  I want you to imagine you had to write about what an imperial stout looks like, now make it fresh and original every single time, now do it say, over 400 times.  I am not wasting your time or mine with this imagery, look above.  It is slick, black, doesn’t coat the glass in a substantial way and the carb is beautiful and moderate.  It stays on track like a box of Pumas.

Whenever another brewery announces that they are going to make a predictable ass coconut stout I be like-

Whenever another brewery announces that they are going to make a predictable ass coconut stout I be like-

S:  This is the entire reason I wanted to write this review, because usually writing favorable reviews is like trying to fap three times in an hour, you just get worn out and sore.  Notwithstanding, holy god does this beer have one of the best noses that I have ever encountered on a stout, ever.  It is almost comically coconut in execution, like so over the top that you can’t even take it seriously in the pure reduced coconut essence.  I was like when Dodge releases that Tomahawk motorcycle with a Viper engine strapped to it, when something is so apeshit you almost just laugh and look at your friends like “does this thing come with a life insurance policy?”  It is waffle cone, mounds bar, freshly husked coconut, almost straight up pina colada lip balm, with a touch of chocolate but then entire thing is like getting greased down in a cabana by the Palms pool.  The only exception is you can enjoy this in your home without hundreds of oily Persians sipping hilariously priced mimosas.  It is mindblowing good and never hits those Yankee Candle or Glade levels where it feels like a reduction, just earth shatteringly inviting.  Galactus himself, eater of planets would spare earth if presented with this decadent potable.

Tickers rolling up to tastings with other janky coconut beers flexing throwing up B's and C's, not knowing you keeping that Eclipse heater right by the Louis Vutton belt buckle.

Tickers rolling up to tastings with other janky coconut beers flexing throwing up B’s and C’s, not knowing you keeping that Eclipse heater right by the Louis Vutton belt buckle.

T:  This carries through the excessive coconut and delivers some depth to go along with it in the form of a light roasty dryness, cocoa nibs, smo’res, and a faint vanilla.  The coconut puts everything in a full nelson so that even the barrel character feels like redfaced writhing under its fierce dominance.  I am completely fine with that, and usually I would dig in hard about how a brewery is shit-tier for relying upon secondary additions to carry the day.  I really want to reach for that e-brake and derail this review but I can’t with any modicum of reliability.  This beer is just too good to debase for a few yukyuks.

M:  This is slick and almost oily in the mouthfeel, classic clean Eclipse runs along the molars, sweetness that closes dry and resonant.  It would be an understatement to note that this is far superior to both iteration of Proprietors.  I don’t say that in some iconoclastic fashion, it just hits the mark in such a substantial way that I can’t deny it.  If Prop was the already exceptional BCBS with a 10% stats boost for a touch of additional complexity, this is a completely overhauled character.  This is so over the top that it could very well be named a totally different beer in that I wouldn’t even identify this as Eclipse unless you told me.  It’s like how you can never plan a threesome, they just seem to happen, this beer took the coconut formula, then the stout friend entered the room and you were all kinda drunk and…magic happens that you ruminate upon in the shower for the rest of your life.

The competition may be bigger, but this nimble coconut got youthful Lisa Frank swag

The competition may be bigger, but this nimble coconut got youthful Lisa Frank swag

D:  This is exceptionally drinkable albeit at the crest of an entire bottle to yourself, you will be fucking done with coconut.  If someone months later is like “hey wanna hit this Last Snow” you will shake your head in somber calculation, knowing that your coconuts were squeezed so fully that other counters will seem but pale foreplay by contrast.  This beer is apeshit and I dont care if I never try masterpiece after having this.  Vanilla eclipse was already mind blowing and this took things to absurd new heights, for anyone twisting their nips over Todd Ashman leaving to go make more BA Hifi, rest assure 50/50 is continuing to push things to new limits. It’s like when you used to take single scoop of pre work out drink and then you see what the world is like on two scoops, a jittery world of nitrates and 600mg of caffeine pulsing through your veins like Bane.  Shit is getting all too real.

even the Truckee High School class of 2018 can enjoy this oily adventure.

even the Truckee High School class of 2018 can enjoy this oily adventure.

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De Garde Petit Azacca, all these 5% bangers are starting to run together

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First and foremost, I love the idea of having a 5oz taster glass for a brewery that rolls out 4% beers, get that real Ohio backyard tasting experience. Secondly, this is another in a long line of thin table beers that seem to straddle the AWA and farmhouse realm amiably but never servicing either consumer base to full completion.

De Garde Petit Azzaca, a slightly more tropical riff on what becoming an increasingly samey sort of tart/borderline wild/faint oak execution. The same sort of consistency that put Crooked Stave on the map, that same play that seems to have kept them in Surette gear for the past year. Tasty albeit not life altering, but beverages seldom are unless you are an impressionable malleable dipshit with an Untappd account replete with badges.

The nose is tropical with mango and guava acidity, the taste is sharp but mellows quickly with crackling thin ground bloomers along your molars. It doesn’t lend itself to lengthy contemplation but that seems completely fine looking at the spec’s of this beer and the segment it seeks to fulfill.

In sum, people that love upland shit will think Saisons should have a ph less than 3 and saison lovers will complain that it lacks complexity or body and return to their BJCP message boards with fat alligator tears hitting their Compaq keyboards. It is a tasty crushable beer that will likely be enveloped in the folds of the ever expanding canon of beers from Trevor and the tillamook ballers.

You could probably find an analogue to this in the expansive Stillwater catalogue but since this bottle is probably like $3.65, might as well strike up a Faustian deal with the venerable John St Charles instead.

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That face when people try to land De Garde beers at $4$

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@thebruery sometimes you gotta markinthar a day old growler of Humulus for all them bad ratchets that can wait to get they braces off

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I know you are sick of hearing about the draft only gem, and I am a cockless apologist, but this beer bangs hard like 808 drums.

If you are a newmoney conical rider, you will probably make some infected joke because you don’t know shit yet. That’s fine. Get back to your wootstout and let the real tickers roll through on those OG top 100 bangers.

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@propolisbrewing Grewit, Listen I know everyone is doing barrel aged gruit reviews but I need these clickbucks

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Oh Pacific Northwest, home of perpetual rainfall, grunge music, generous traders, and artisan everything, where would the beer world be without you? This brewery, Propolis Brewing, might be the most PnW thing to ever happen to the alegame. Don’t believe me? Go take a look at their fucking webpage:

http://propolisbrewing.com/ale.html

It is like everyone else in the brewing world has been working with stone tools and these homies rolled back from the Mojoverse with all kinds of bizarro fermentation technology from their dystopian herb-based future.  My body is ready for the timelines to merge. Anyway, since no one else is going hard in that gruit game without making Guardians of the Galaxy references, DDB might as well cover this breaking news.  Roll up the herbs for today’s review, ales about to get blunted

A barrel aged, herbal gruit, made in the PnW? This is like Phish concert levels of hippidom

A barrel aged, herbal gruit, made in the PnW? This is like Phish concert levels of hippidom

Barrel aged gruit, 7.5% abv

Washington, Unshaven Armpitsburg

Before I go on, I have to mention, these guys have a reserve society.  I am not shitting you up the dick.  If you want to go on an LSD tier communion with a conical fermenter on a monthly basis, peep this out:
http://propolisbrewing.com/ale-club.html

Read those descriptions, it is like someone weaponized a Bed Bath and Beyond.  Alright let’s get to this shit already

A:  You get deep mahogany and full burnt amber tones, ample carbonation, spotty lacing that clings and lingers with the tiniest of bubbles.  Instead of that solid Seahawk run game, this opts for slant passes on the carb and gets laced up with nucleation on the glass.  It is a questionable call, but I embrace it lovingly.

Go ahead and pop this with your derelict high school homies, let them savor in the herbal succor. Watch the arrests become expunged.

Go ahead and pop this with your derelict high school homies, let them savor in the herbal succor. Watch the arrests become expunged.

S:  The nose smells like the room of someone who listens to Tori Amos and owns several decks of tarot cards.  It is herbacious, incense, clove, myrhh, sage, and a hint of mint.  The petrulli oil notes come through like this beer was made for burning man and I feel like less of a man for not wearing abalone jewelry while drinking this.

Maybe popping some obscure new barrel aged styles is just the intervention your sad life at Chik Fil A requires.

Maybe popping some obscure new barrel aged styles is just the intervention your sad life at Chik Fil A requires.

T: The taste has a touch of burnt honey sweetness at the outset that gives weigh to a woodruff syrup and anise aspect that is altogether unlike anything else you may have tried, ever.  Unless you are some serious gruit master, this is completely novel all around and presents a sort of rye bread, pumpernickel, a tartness like red grape that lingers like the sustain of a Mars Volta SG. You might not be able to fully appreciate this beer unless you do home composting and own multiple hackeysacks.  You are just a part of their top fermenting system man, I wouldn’t expect you to get it.

M:  This is dry and herbal through and through, it finishes with a sort of pine aspect that is not hops and falls closer to the spruce tips realm.  Again, the tartness really brings this together and despite it being really difficult to classify I was easily able to take down the entire 750ml and their contributions are not only valuable but easily worth their price point.  Even if you don’t attend weekly drum circle meetings or own a dreamcatcher, you will still enjoy this complex and nuanced beer.  The carb is silky and crackles with life, fully masking the abv perfectly.  It is a true gem and easily the best in style that I have ever had. We are talking like the best of the 9 gruits I have ever tried.  THINK ABOUT THAT.

Girls be going crazy bout a shark dress gruit

Girls be going crazy bout a shark dressed gruit

D:  This is highly drinkable yet at the same time worthy of reflection.  It is kinda like how you can put on Buffalo Springfield in seclusion and no one judges you but if you try to put it on with anyone else around, suddenly you are a scrotum gargling indulgent asshole.  You can enjoy this secretly, but if you take this to a share with 2k13 tickers who love slamming adjunct stout variants, zero fucks will be given about this exceptional, balanced gem.  It will be our dirty herbal secret.

It would be easy as two smiling labias to write a narrative about this, but I shot my hippie load and used all the imagery above.  Sorry.  I still luv u bae.

Review dedicated to [REDACTED PHISH FAN], 1984 – 2016 RIP