@propolisbrewing Grewit, Listen I know everyone is doing barrel aged gruit reviews but I need these clickbucks

Oh Pacific Northwest, home of perpetual rainfall, grunge music, generous traders, and artisan everything, where would the beer world be without you? This brewery, Propolis Brewing, might be the most PnW thing to ever happen to the alegame. Don’t believe me? Go take a look at their fucking webpage:


It is like everyone else in the brewing world has been working with stone tools and these homies rolled back from the Mojoverse with all kinds of bizarro fermentation technology from their dystopian herb-based future.  My body is ready for the timelines to merge. Anyway, since no one else is going hard in that gruit game without making Guardians of the Galaxy references, DDB might as well cover this breaking news.  Roll up the herbs for today’s review, ales about to get blunted

A barrel aged, herbal gruit, made in the PnW? This is like Phish concert levels of hippidom

A barrel aged, herbal gruit, made in the PnW? This is like Phish concert levels of hippidom

Barrel aged gruit, 7.5% abv

Washington, Unshaven Armpitsburg

Before I go on, I have to mention, these guys have a reserve society.  I am not shitting you up the dick.  If you want to go on an LSD tier communion with a conical fermenter on a monthly basis, peep this out:

Read those descriptions, it is like someone weaponized a Bed Bath and Beyond.  Alright let’s get to this shit already

A:  You get deep mahogany and full burnt amber tones, ample carbonation, spotty lacing that clings and lingers with the tiniest of bubbles.  Instead of that solid Seahawk run game, this opts for slant passes on the carb and gets laced up with nucleation on the glass.  It is a questionable call, but I embrace it lovingly.

Go ahead and pop this with your derelict high school homies, let them savor in the herbal succor. Watch the arrests become expunged.

Go ahead and pop this with your derelict high school homies, let them savor in the herbal succor. Watch the arrests become expunged.

S:  The nose smells like the room of someone who listens to Tori Amos and owns several decks of tarot cards.  It is herbacious, incense, clove, myrhh, sage, and a hint of mint.  The petrulli oil notes come through like this beer was made for burning man and I feel like less of a man for not wearing abalone jewelry while drinking this.

Maybe popping some obscure new barrel aged styles is just the intervention your sad life at Chik Fil A requires.

Maybe popping some obscure new barrel aged styles is just the intervention your sad life at Chik Fil A requires.

T: The taste has a touch of burnt honey sweetness at the outset that gives weigh to a woodruff syrup and anise aspect that is altogether unlike anything else you may have tried, ever.  Unless you are some serious gruit master, this is completely novel all around and presents a sort of rye bread, pumpernickel, a tartness like red grape that lingers like the sustain of a Mars Volta SG. You might not be able to fully appreciate this beer unless you do home composting and own multiple hackeysacks.  You are just a part of their top fermenting system man, I wouldn’t expect you to get it.

M:  This is dry and herbal through and through, it finishes with a sort of pine aspect that is not hops and falls closer to the spruce tips realm.  Again, the tartness really brings this together and despite it being really difficult to classify I was easily able to take down the entire 750ml and their contributions are not only valuable but easily worth their price point.  Even if you don’t attend weekly drum circle meetings or own a dreamcatcher, you will still enjoy this complex and nuanced beer.  The carb is silky and crackles with life, fully masking the abv perfectly.  It is a true gem and easily the best in style that I have ever had. We are talking like the best of the 9 gruits I have ever tried.  THINK ABOUT THAT.

Girls be going crazy bout a shark dress gruit

Girls be going crazy bout a shark dressed gruit

D:  This is highly drinkable yet at the same time worthy of reflection.  It is kinda like how you can put on Buffalo Springfield in seclusion and no one judges you but if you try to put it on with anyone else around, suddenly you are a scrotum gargling indulgent asshole.  You can enjoy this secretly, but if you take this to a share with 2k13 tickers who love slamming adjunct stout variants, zero fucks will be given about this exceptional, balanced gem.  It will be our dirty herbal secret.

It would be easy as two smiling labias to write a narrative about this, but I shot my hippie load and used all the imagery above.  Sorry.  I still luv u bae.

Review dedicated to [REDACTED PHISH FAN], 1984 – 2016 RIP


Moonlight Legal Tender, Where we are going, YOU WONT NEED CURRENCY

Before this review rerevs the shitengine, let’s get one thing clear: MOONLIGHT IS AMAZING. This isn’t a CYA or some back pedaling. Reality Czech is mindblowing and Death and Taxes got me through undergrad. That being said, I don’t like going down on the plant monsters from Troll 2, so let’s get this shit underway:

Some negligent ass reviews going on these days. I ordered this at Jupiter during a shitshow, no pics were taken thanks to stupid Cal undergrads. Thanks Berkeley, you ruined beer for everyone else.

Moonlight legal tender, style? abv?

A: The ultimate quandry, you are immediately made aware that no hops went into this abomination but yet you see it’s taunting Porter-esque appearance, who is this rogue character? Well the shiny disposition leaves only variables. Do I befriend it? Use a pokeball? This is a rough road to hoe. Herbal assault imminent.

despite a strange refuse character, I am intrigued.

S: It feels like a shoryuken of grassy, pine, herbal and medicinal notes. Understand, I do not mean this in the fulfilling Majaraja malty way, I mean it in a “you will shortly be drinking a rhododendron” sort of way. This is like you just moved to Portland and started dating a vegan chick. It is ultra earth day to your face.

T: Murder, on every front. It is just a fleeting dryness that transforms into a watered down fernet branca and water, with a crazy character that feels like inhaling campfire smoke and drinking soda water. Not smoky in that ballsy rauschbeer way, just a “mom can I stay home from school” sort of manner. Go work for 6 months in Northern California as a lumber harvester and tell me how it works out, then drink this crazy innovative beer.

This beer puts a new spin on a crazy natural concept. Mashups galore.

M: This had a calm, very pleasing disposition. I didn’t dislike the mouthfeel and it seemed almost like a watered down jagermeister drink with disgetife particulars. I guess this was its best quality in the way that the engine was the best quality of the Dodge Neon Espresso. This reminded me of a super vegetal potion from an RPG that cures all ailments, but also inflicts MUTE. Something to that effect.

D: I guess this comes down to how off the beaten path you are. Do you go to burning man? Do you love non-corporate media? Well this isnt even for you, this is just bizarre. I have trouble rating it low due to innovation but it is just menacing, it attracted conversation but resoundingly everyone who tried this beer was inexplicably concerned that I enjoyed drinking this.

Moonlight usually drops mad lute, however, not a single minstrel to be found from this traveling company

Narrative: No one ever said that life as a level sixteen vegan paladin would be easy. Sure you are unable to expend excess calories due to co2 expirations, and sure you cant waste any biofuel….ANY BIOFUEL. But one treat is your old redwood ale, chipped consentially with the earth from chips and bark. Delicious. It just feels so good to know that you are violating the earth with your enjoyment with its consent. Sure it seems like a gladiola bed right in your mouth, but the offset is much more intangible. People always look askance at you in the produce aisle when you place your own for sale but…who are they to judge? The grassy nature is what you live for and…once you figure out a way for plants to pay for your Vassar degree…you will be all set.