@propolisbrewing Grewit, Listen I know everyone is doing barrel aged gruit reviews but I need these clickbucks

Oh Pacific Northwest, home of perpetual rainfall, grunge music, generous traders, and artisan everything, where would the beer world be without you? This brewery, Propolis Brewing, might be the most PnW thing to ever happen to the alegame. Don’t believe me? Go take a look at their fucking webpage:


It is like everyone else in the brewing world has been working with stone tools and these homies rolled back from the Mojoverse with all kinds of bizarro fermentation technology from their dystopian herb-based future.  My body is ready for the timelines to merge. Anyway, since no one else is going hard in that gruit game without making Guardians of the Galaxy references, DDB might as well cover this breaking news.  Roll up the herbs for today’s review, ales about to get blunted

A barrel aged, herbal gruit, made in the PnW? This is like Phish concert levels of hippidom

A barrel aged, herbal gruit, made in the PnW? This is like Phish concert levels of hippidom

Barrel aged gruit, 7.5% abv

Washington, Unshaven Armpitsburg

Before I go on, I have to mention, these guys have a reserve society.  I am not shitting you up the dick.  If you want to go on an LSD tier communion with a conical fermenter on a monthly basis, peep this out:

Read those descriptions, it is like someone weaponized a Bed Bath and Beyond.  Alright let’s get to this shit already

A:  You get deep mahogany and full burnt amber tones, ample carbonation, spotty lacing that clings and lingers with the tiniest of bubbles.  Instead of that solid Seahawk run game, this opts for slant passes on the carb and gets laced up with nucleation on the glass.  It is a questionable call, but I embrace it lovingly.

Go ahead and pop this with your derelict high school homies, let them savor in the herbal succor. Watch the arrests become expunged.

Go ahead and pop this with your derelict high school homies, let them savor in the herbal succor. Watch the arrests become expunged.

S:  The nose smells like the room of someone who listens to Tori Amos and owns several decks of tarot cards.  It is herbacious, incense, clove, myrhh, sage, and a hint of mint.  The petrulli oil notes come through like this beer was made for burning man and I feel like less of a man for not wearing abalone jewelry while drinking this.

Maybe popping some obscure new barrel aged styles is just the intervention your sad life at Chik Fil A requires.

Maybe popping some obscure new barrel aged styles is just the intervention your sad life at Chik Fil A requires.

T: The taste has a touch of burnt honey sweetness at the outset that gives weigh to a woodruff syrup and anise aspect that is altogether unlike anything else you may have tried, ever.  Unless you are some serious gruit master, this is completely novel all around and presents a sort of rye bread, pumpernickel, a tartness like red grape that lingers like the sustain of a Mars Volta SG. You might not be able to fully appreciate this beer unless you do home composting and own multiple hackeysacks.  You are just a part of their top fermenting system man, I wouldn’t expect you to get it.

M:  This is dry and herbal through and through, it finishes with a sort of pine aspect that is not hops and falls closer to the spruce tips realm.  Again, the tartness really brings this together and despite it being really difficult to classify I was easily able to take down the entire 750ml and their contributions are not only valuable but easily worth their price point.  Even if you don’t attend weekly drum circle meetings or own a dreamcatcher, you will still enjoy this complex and nuanced beer.  The carb is silky and crackles with life, fully masking the abv perfectly.  It is a true gem and easily the best in style that I have ever had. We are talking like the best of the 9 gruits I have ever tried.  THINK ABOUT THAT.

Girls be going crazy bout a shark dress gruit

Girls be going crazy bout a shark dressed gruit

D:  This is highly drinkable yet at the same time worthy of reflection.  It is kinda like how you can put on Buffalo Springfield in seclusion and no one judges you but if you try to put it on with anyone else around, suddenly you are a scrotum gargling indulgent asshole.  You can enjoy this secretly, but if you take this to a share with 2k13 tickers who love slamming adjunct stout variants, zero fucks will be given about this exceptional, balanced gem.  It will be our dirty herbal secret.

It would be easy as two smiling labias to write a narrative about this, but I shot my hippie load and used all the imagery above.  Sorry.  I still luv u bae.

Review dedicated to [REDACTED PHISH FAN], 1984 – 2016 RIP


Maui Brewing Onion Mild, A BEER THAT WILL MAKE YOU CRY

Today I am phoning it in with an old ass review. No one reads this site on the weekends anyway and frankly, you aren’t worth it. This beer is from Maui Brewing Company and, as far as I know, it doesn’t make it off the islands. I went to Maui and tried this strange anomaly while I was there. This is brewed with white Maui onions and, you can imagine what this tear jerker tastes like:

I lost the picture of the beer, enjoy a picture of some onions.

Maui onion mild 4.8% abv

A: Deep brown like an Altbier, but much thinner in character. The lacing is moderate with huge carbonation. If you didn’t know what was going on, you might think this was an amber ale, BUT YOU WOULD BE FUCKING WRONG.

I went to Maui and drank crazy ass beers, u mad bro.

S: This has caramel onions throughout, steak and toasted maltiness, it feels like a Mortons Steakhouse like an epic malted Gose with huge stickiness. If you were a 7th grader, your parents would smell this on you a mile away. One of a kind finish and smell. I ordered a Growler for myself just to relive the experience on the mainland. Epic scent.

T: It starts simply enough with a mild sweetness similar to a brown al- OH MY GOD YOU HAVE JUST ENTERED ONION PURGATORY. There is no escape, everything you touch and taste will be onion until your cells die off. The taste of this beer is similar to a Bloomin Onion from Outback Steakhouse, yes that outback, and pureed into liquid form. You get the roasted herbal dryness from the onions, with an odd burnt sweetness. Again, this is just relentless in scope and form.

Maui is all about sun, beer, and falling face down. Smelling like onions while doing that is just pushing things too far.

M: The mouthfeel is slim and watery until the evil genie of onion hatred is uncorked and unveils its evil designs on your social life. You could drink this all day long with its light coating and ABV, but the onion is a stern overlord requiring you to, specifically, spawn more overlords.

D: This is a tough call because I want to say that its delicious taste and light character belongs on a boat etc. but I have a legitimately hard time recommending this to someone in a huge quantity. I had 3 pints of it and I still sweat onion enzymes. I feel like a walking pool of magnesium. If your life can tolerate the smell and vices associated with onion addiction, I.e. you work at El Pollo Loco or Rubios, then by all means, endulge.

I smuggled this back into the mainland in my suitcase. Fuck da TSA.

Narrative: Warren only cried at weddings. And airplane movies. And swapmeets. In theory Warren cried a lot. In practice, this was involuntary. You see, poor Warren was born with defective tear glands. His negligent mother consumed onions day in and out with little Warren, as a fledgling seed in the womb. As a result, Warren would cry at the most commonplace occurrences. Some would see it is a defect, but you should see the look on his supervisor’s face when Warren would ebullient express tears of joy at the sight of fresh bagels in the break room. “Here I was just….looking at these OSHA posters and then, Alan goes and does all THIS!” He sobs gesturing towards the meager spread of picked over pastries. “This is all JUST TOO MUCH!”