Author Archives: dontdrinkbeer

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Fantome sante 18, this time for the kindergartens. Trick love da kids.

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Every year Dany brews a Sante saison for some charity of his capricious choosing. This year it was for a kindergarten or something, I can’t read all these words, the label looks like a 1930s racist cartoon is serving someone beer in an Italian piazza. Who knows.

The smell here is kinda like the 2014 flat Ete mixed with a rodenbach or something. There’s currant, cherry cordial, a sort of biere de garde metallic aspect and closes with a subdued clovey yeasty aspect.

The taste is far better and is lightly tart, some sucrets and red sour patch kids, a grassy dryness to the middle that closes oddly clean like Dark white. Once you turn 18 your parents get divorced and you realize you are truly on your own in this sartorial crushing saison existence. This is the same and the ghost is what you make of it. If you want a traditional DuPont reach around, this is far more deviant and some people will pay a premium for that kinda yeasty endeavor.

Get up in it

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Fantome India Red Ale, holy fuck this is a horrible tome, triple gourmet levels of haunting

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Fantome has never made an IPA, so why not make an Indian red ale? Holy god is this a vegetal, duraflame log of sadness. The nose is oversaturated cone, aserose, lemon pledge, burnt incense and the crying of babies with crones disease.

The taste is far worse, not the latex “sick” bottles from the dark era, this is an unfortunately intentional disaster of resinous proportions. I love Dany and I ride that ghost dick hard like a PK sybian. This is just horrible from start to finish, I don’t know who this is for, maybe the ghost completionist like myself who loves getting his boner haunted.

It’s str8 danky protoplasm. Gross.

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TFW you pop a 1200 bottle count ghost at a tasting and whole foods ballers don’t know what a fantome is

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@thebruery Geriatric Hipster Club, fire up the ovaltine and get to bed by 7 pm

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This hoarders only beer was voted on by members, when asked which cocktail beer nerds wanted to see approximated, unsurprisingly they all voted for a manhattan. I wanted to see them use Gin barrels and make something truly apeshit, but instead we got this.

This is well inside the realm of their bourbon old ale wheel house, but it doesn’t really reinvent the game in terms of hitting the manhattan benchmark they set out to recreate.

If you had bourbon ba cuir, imagine a more attenuated version with candied orange peel and a lingering spice aspect. With the bourbon old ale base riffing from their anniversary beer half of the old fashioned sort of battle has been won, but in the closer there is a spice aspect where sweet bitters should be. Some would say a cherry or cocktail aspect is wanting to round out the profile.

In sum you have a slightly different analog of the bruery old ale you have put inside you so many times before and theres no compelling match the cost of entry on this forgettable entry.

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Area Grandfather Unaffected By Troegs Nugget Nectar Being Packaged in Cans

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Pittsburgh, PA (associated press)

Pittsburgh native, Hershel Worthington, age 81, was completely nonplussed by the breaking news that Troegs would be packaging their famous red ale, Nugget Nectar, in aluminum cans.  According to onlookers, the octogenarian scarcely looked away from his syndicated episode of “Mike and Molly” when presented the news by his grandson, Chaz Worthington.

Worthington expressed disdain for the noise from the local trash trucks and couldn't be bothered to concern himself with any nectar, nugget or otherwise

Worthington expressed disdain for the noise from the local trash trucks and couldn’t be bothered to concern himself with any nectar, nugget or otherwise

“Chaz was saying something about…there’s this red…its a red beer or some damn thing, and…Molly really got herself in a situation…mother in law coming over for dinner-” noted Hershel as he struggled with opening a Werther’s Original, “After Korea, I didn’t really touch the stuff, course in those days, you know every home had a photo of Ike in their home so…the idea of a Red beer, well…you can just…”

Troegs made the bold announcement last week that they intended on launching their iconic Red Ale in cans to corner the geriatric segment of the market and the coveted “fixed-income profits” attendant thereto.  “Listen, one gamgam isn’t going to break us, we will stay the course,” stated Troegs owner, John Trogner, “we have been running ads during Matlock and the Rockford Files and we hope that their caregivers or whomever does their shopping will pick up a sixer of Nugget Nectar.  We are currently working on an AARP discount to corner the market but, well I have already said too much.”

The local grandfather and Korean War veteran did not take so much as a glance up from his whittling when this logo was presented before him.

The local grandfather and Korean War veteran did not take so much as a glance up from his whittling when this logo was placed before him.

When presented an aluminum can of the hoppy libation, Worthington was said to have rolled it around in his weathered, liver-spotted palms before placing it next to his model train set. “Yeah…so Molly wants Mike to become a detective but…there’s a test…or some damn thing…” he noted while staring disdainfully at a group of Korean gentleman on the sidewalk, “so…this is a red ale?  Do what now-”

At press time, Mr. Worthington reportedly was still completely unfazed by the silver object which had since made its way next to the case of Ensures.  More details will be reported as this fast breaking story develops.

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Lagunitas Brewing Company Steps Completely Over the Line By Using the Iconic Sierra Nevada Logo in their Newest IPA

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Amid controversy and flagrant disregard for copyright laws, Lagunitas Brewing Company released their newest offering, Hop Hunter, using Sierra Nevada’s logo front and center on the label.

They went 2 far

They went 2 far

While you can clearly identify the beer as a Lagunitas offering due to the iconic IPA lettering, the Sierra Nevada trademark may cause substantial confusion for the average consumer.  For the uninitiated, it may look as though Sierra Nevada has brewed their own “IPA” and as a result of this mix-up, customers may accidentally be hoodwinked into supporting a completely different brewery.  While there are currently no cease and desist letters being issued by Sierra Nevada, a typically levelheaded company, this opens the door for several other breweries to begin using the Sierra Nevada logo on their own IPAs to drive up profit margins.

“There’s no question people know what Sierra Nevada is,” noted legal scholar Simon Jabronski, “the real dicey issue is when every brewery wants to start tossing ‘Sierra Nevada’ all over their packaging, when who knows who the actual brewer could be. The next thing you know, we could have more than one brewery using the letters “IPA” on their labels, which would be clearly unacceptable.”  While generating a lawsuit may seem excessive over what would appears to be a completely trivial matter, stranger things have happened in the beer industry.

“Oh Sierra Nevada got all over my shit when I tried to pull that stunt,” lamented Jean Broillet IV, owner of Tired Hands Brewing Company in Ardmore, Pennsylvania, “those Chico fellas don’t mess around, you use their protected copyrighted logo on your own beer and all of a sudden, now you’re the asshole.  Times have changed since the Charlie Papazian days, I will tell you that much.”

Sierra Nevada expressed disappointment at the recent Tired Hands releases, most notably their MS Paint skills

Sierra Nevada expressed disappointment at the recent Tired Hands releases, most notably their MS Paint skills

Adding a further layer to this legal morass is the fact that Lagunitas has chosen to use Sierra Nevada’s secret ingredient in their forthcoming IPA: hops.  While the average consumer may not realize it, Sierra Nevada uses this esoteric plant as flavoring additive in several of their beers.  If every brewery began using hops in their brewing process, it would be a huge blow to the iconic taste of Sierra Nevada, IPA or otherwise.

Lagunitas has brazenly announced their intentions to add plant matter to their beers in a matter not unlike iconic Sierra Nevada offerings.

Lagunitas has brazenly announced their intentions to add plant matter to their beers in a matter not unlike iconic Sierra Nevada offerings.

The real victor in this fracas is InBev, who released the following statement: “while we do not currently know or understand what an IPA or HOPS are at this juncture, we are confident that we used them first and once this battle is decided, the prevailing party can look forward to endless legal battles from our Chelada legal department.  We won’t rest until Budweiser releases Sierra Lagunitas IPA brewed with whatever this new plant is revealed to be.”

DDB will continue to provide more details as this legal struggle unfolds.

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Duclaw Expands Distribution to North Carolina, Bottle Shops Buy Bottles of Endust in Preparation

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Duclaw has made a bold announcement that they will be sending their punitive libations to a new market: North Carolina. The iconic Maryland brewery that produces such classic wares as ANTI VENOM, BARE ASS BLONDE, CONSECRATION BROWN ALE(C&D forthcoming), MORGAZM, AND DIRTY LITTLE FREAK, intends to ship cases of bottles to the thriving new market.  “With Foothill, Wicked Weed and Duck Rabbit doing so well, we were energized to send completely unrequested cases to needlessly consume shelf space indefinitely.  It is all very exciting,” Duclaw owner, Dave Benfield noted with oddly self-deprecating sagacity, “I look forward to visiting these same IPAs in the months to come.”

DuClaw brewing looks forward to expanding into new markets.

DuClaw brewing looks forward to expanding into new markets.

The store employees in North Carolina are equally prepared for the new products as well. “Yeah, in preparation of these certainly immovable new bottles, we cleared out a nice spot for them in the corner, I mean why even bother,” local bottleshop owner Michael Walmsley lamented, “I stocked up on dust wipes and compressed air in anticipation of seeing those same bottles sitting on the shelf for the next three years.”

North Carolina bottle shop employees fully support their respective owners’ decisions to stock Duclaw items, knowing that they will be compelled to stare at them day in and day out, a constant reminder of their own mortality and enduring stasis at an unfulfilling job. “Yeah, I started giving the bottles individual names, I know that a rabid pit bull has a better chance of getting adopted than those bottles of Colossus, so might as well get cozy with them,” Walmsley noted, already wiping layers of dust from the caps, “I swear the dust is preemptively attracted to these bottles, I can barely keep up.”

At press time, additional cases of unsold Duclaw products were arriving not unlike the brooms carrying buckets in Fantasia.  “Maybe I can make a little fort of all these cases and take a nap,” Walmsley mused with a longing for a future that could have been, free from immovable products crushing his soul in Sisyphean fashion.