Author Archives: dontdrinkbeer

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Everything You Need to Know About Highland Park Brewing BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK!

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I have been deferring on talking about this year old brewery for a multitude of reasons: first and foremost, the second I say anything even moderately favorable about any beer made south of Fresno, people have a shit conniption and accuse old DDB of favoritism despite ripping on the innumerable shitty California beers being pumped out.

Second, as a new brewery who seems to have a heavy emphasis on saisons, I wanted to tread lightly and get a wider idea of their offerings beyond the first couple non-BA forays into the realm. When I first had Nebraska, I was like “myeh, that’s pretty legit.” And it tasted essentially like Tank 7 and Saison Brett mixed.  Nothing to scoff at or go apeshit over.

But in the past four months they keep pushing into the interstices of “wait, damn” to “ok, this is really fucking good.”  So I have to say SOMETHING, even if it means a cadre of dipshits accuse me of favoritism from a brewery that couldn’t give a fuck less about an irrelevant beer blog. So let’s get into the anal fisting already:

Horn rimmed glasses galore, Portlandia sticky hot edition

Horn rimmed glasses galore, Portlandia sticky hot edition

The brewery itself is housed in this neo-hipster mecca, a faux divey bar that happens to have awesome food. If Silverlake is LA’s mission/Williamsburg, then Highland Park is the next hipster spawning pool for the budding fixie riding asshole carrying a Drive Like Jehu vinyl. That’s who you will be drinking saisons with.

PTSD every time i see an overhead projector.

PTSD every time i see an overhead projector.

So what is this, fucking ZillowAdvocate.com? Let’s talk about the beers.  At the outset: you want their saisons, you will want all of them.  However, this brewery has a sort of Sante Adairitis that makes them a spectacular one trick pony, for reasons that will become clear shortly.

The proud FG 1.000000002 lineup

The proud FG 1.000000002 lineup

The first thing you will notice is that every beer has been attenuated into decimation.  This makes their saisons intensely refreshing, dry, crisp like an anjou pear, but really fucks with every other style. Refresh is just that, but dialed down so far that it is insubstantial and if they used pilsner malt it has been drilled into the fucking primary pavement.  Greyhound Vacation has similar Kallista Flockhart thin body, but for a Belgian Pale it almost doesn’t have enough floorspace to demonstrate esters or a hop profile, the ultra svelte body is TOO lean.

I want you to ruminate on how highly attenuated a hoppy beer has to be for DDB to complain about a lack of malt underpinning.  They are still crushable and delicious, albeit lacking complexity. I would certainly rather have this problem than flabby midwest crystal malt “clean” offerings.

What about discernible problems?

More like singed eyebrows.

More like singed eyebrows.

With a brewery that has highly effective yeast that dismantles fucking everything, there’s gonna be some issues with packaging.  Raised eyebrows was tasty, clean and basically a less demanding Cuddlebug on draft.  The bottles were a 4th of July sparklers and sulphur massacre.  Your drunk uncle gripping his palms coughing up smoke. The taste was tasty, saharan, stone fruity goodness but the nose was straight bottleshock and clearly needed time to metabolize either the secondary refermentation going on, or just to rest to get its shit together.

Let's Talk About Their Other AMAZING SHIT

Let’s Talk About Their Other AMAZING SHIT

That’s not to say that all of their bottles are deficient in any way.  If you enjoyed Cellarman, this multistrain puncheon fermented beer has all the makings of a phenomenal saison classic.  It is creamy, orangey, juicy with tangerine and cut cardboard paper, a certain fabrics store musk.  If this is not the best thing they have made to date, I would be shocked.  This is absolutely incredible and your tradebuxxxx cannot find a better power to weight ratio.

Yeast infections are amazing when it is 6 at a time.

Yeast infections are amazing when it is 6 at a time.

So we have seen the worst, heard the stroke session about the best, what about those middle times? Those times when you are just watching Bachelor in Paradise because GOD BREWERY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING ON AMAZING DATES EVERY SINGLE NIGHT? Those times.

Time for some certified whiptixxx in the SubbyDooBaru

Time for some certified whiptixxx in the SubbyDooBaru

Uncultured is in that realm of component blended/recent batches of Arthur.  It has a great grassiness, some rope and twine must to the nose, a long fernet meets clementines finish to the brett C and L profile.  Their “normal” shit is head and shoulders above most of the things that come across the desk inside of my liver.  These trade for nothing right now, you are wasting time reading this and not ISOing.

Did you enjoy Sante Adairius Fruit Punch 1? Well this is a 10% worse version, which is to say it is really juicy, fantastic, bursting with life and acidity. It's like when diet Dr. Pepper is actually better than regular Dr. Pepper, because it is.

Did you enjoy Sante Adairius Fruit Punch 1? Well this is a 10% worse version, which is to say it is really juicy, fantastic, bursting with life and acidity. It’s like when diet Dr. Pepper is actually better than regular Dr. Pepper, because it is.

Pushin Carts, collabo with Monkish

Pushin Carts, collabo with Monkish

This is another spritzer farmhouse table beer meets a sort of Biere Du Pays, fucking drillable with lemon and lime zest, like a sort of zero calorie Printempts with a few years on it.  This type of spectacular beer is just sitting on draft, no one giving a fuck about top tier barrel aged, puncheon fermented saisons. For every Texas dipshit peddling JK 750mls hard, there are uncelebrated kegs like these being secretly enjoyed.

Posts like there ruin the fuck our of a brewery for a consumer base gentrifying the tits off of a proud Hispanic neighborhood.  The circle unbroken, you want artisan donut shops? That’s fine, prepare to enjoy them near entry level BeerAdvocate tier dumbfucks talking about how “brett makes the beer sour.”

Dishonorable mention: this grainy, boring, estery gem just kept throwing rocks in the lake while you are trying to fish for real saison tastes.

Dishonorable mention: this grainy, boring, estery gem just kept throwing rocks in the lake while you are trying to fish for real saison tastes.

JOUNRALSLETIC ENTEGRITY

JOUNRALSLETIC ENTEGRITY

I don’t feel like breaking down each and every one of their bigger and hoppier beers but let me state is succinctly this way: saisons and pales are their clear wheelhouse.  This is not some dynamic Prairie that rolls out adjunct stouts and weird farmhouse beers in tandem.  Their IPA/DIPA core is so so attenuated that they are intensely refreshing at the expense of complexity.  If you have had hoppy beers from Sante Adairius you know how something like a hard as fuck water recipe makes some styles great and other neglected.  They are like that, and I am totally fine with that. If these guys joined forces with Beachwood, the voltron of LA catalogs would be complete.

It's totally acceptable to shamelessly order 15 tasters from a bartender. They love that, you shouldn't feel like a self indulgent asshole at all.

It’s totally acceptable to shamelessly order 15 tasters from a bartender. They love that, you shouldn’t feel like a self indulgent asshole at all.

So what is the takeaway? Get every single bottled saison possible from this brewery.  You will not be disappointed, and I would be shocked if you weren’t outright impressed from a brand new upstart.  Their farmhouse game is just what the doctor ordered and they are lying silently in the 323 weeds sniping customers from comely Los Angeles terrain.

Knowing CA dipshits you will be getting extra-ed these 900 bottle brewery only runs, so buckle in, and be sure to send them some Daisy Cutter cans as a thank you.

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First We Feast Is Back, With the Same Old Tired Aaron Goldfarb Content Even DDB Would Be Ashamed Of.

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Some of you might remember less than a year ago when writer Aaron Goldfarb and those master cicerones paraded out this tired, hyperbolic article on beer muling:

oh wow no way such information

So then in response, DDB rolled out this old chestnut:

HARD HITTING Exposé: BEER MULES UNMASKED, srs beer journalisms

Welp, no less than ten months later, those content farmers at First We Feast and that indefatigable Aaron Goldfab have posted essentially, the exact same cake of bungtrub:

THE GUDE TO GETING LIMITED BER RELEASES!!!1!!

Sure, DDB is the last place to complain about shitty derivative content, but the problem is FirstWeFeast is your aunt’s website for pseudo gourmands and I will have this stupid garbage sent to me at least 20 times.  It celebrates the shitlord paradigm of hoarding, truck chasing, coveting limited releases, and introduces beta casuals to an already teeming market of filthy manchildren who derive their self esteem from bottles of sugarwater.

Hot gems of wisdom:

“track the cargo relentlessly”

“Buy More than Is Reasonable…or Allowed”

“Form a Beer Nerd Coalition…[and act like total covetous pricks.]”

among other erudite pearls of knowledge.

Sure, maybe the article is being written ironically, or maybe it is needling the culture for comically rapacious habits: but it should make that clear at the outset. Once BeerAdvocate silenced all of the morally reprehensible and ethically bankrupt traders who are new to the scene, every other beer site/group has had to pick up the slack.  Articles like these just reinforce the greed and bottle maximizing that is going to full secondary valuations.

HE SAID HE WANTED TO TICK RARES AND NETFLIX AND CHILL

HE SAID HE WANTED TO TICK RARES AND NETFLIX AND CHILL

This article might have been more relevant say, six years ago, when your local store didn’t have incredible barrel aged stouts, saisons and wild ales turding it up on the shelves.  At that time you actually HAD to trade if you wanted an approximation of a beer.  Now it is filled with FirstWeHoard assholes attempting to excise every last drop out of their ethanol portfolios.

that one time a guy posted sick bottles on facebook and everyone was v imprsd

that one time a guy posted sick bottles on facebook and everyone was v imprsd

Less articles like this.  Less people like this. BA please allow comments again and remove the trade restrictions, the rest of the craft beer world simply cannot deal with the ignorant dipshits you have cultivated in the turd filled child pool and now they are spilling into other backyards, turds in hand.

#RespectBeer [profiteering.]

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Punk’n Drublic: Al’s of Hampden verses Dogfish Head in a Copyright Battle Sponsored by BA users.

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Years from now we will look back on these initial aggressions as the culminating hour before the “Pumpkin Wars” claimed so many.  A single pulpy Serbian bullet that sets forth a gourdy chain reaction from which we may never return.

While polishing your squash-fueled bionic prosthetic by an LED flame in an underground bunker, you may someday recall these Pumpkin conflicts with a baleful gaze, your eyes illuminated a flickering azure against the polished titanium walls.

I didn't speak up when they came for Punk'n, god help me, I let it happen by turning a bling eye to the whole pumpkin disaster.

I didn’t speak up when they came for Punk’n, god help me, I let it happen by turning a bling eye to the whole pumpkin disaster.

The reviled seasonal beer then became a protected, nationwide, mandatory staple first in grocery stores, then state mandated.  Those incompetent pundits we derided as Beer Advocate entry level dipshits with partial custody now were our rulers. It became a capital offense to openly mock pumpkin beers or stifle the innumerable discussions about them.

When the burnt sienna pumpkin fumes cleared, all that was left was the ruling pumpkin oligarchy. If only we had acted sooner, we might not be sipping these hateful allspice and nutmeg libations on the brink of annihilation. Humanity changes but-

Pumpkin beer.  Pumpkin beer never changes.

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On the Real Tho, What the Deal with Side Project Framboise du Fermier?

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Alright we all know the lore behind this shit.  300 bottles.  Midwest hype.  1 per person per mule per grandma per collateral body present for the tickets that were allegedly/surreptitiously handed out to selected attendees. At least that is the way I heard it.  No sooner than buttholes were healing from the anal fissures attendant to the prior two fruited fermiers, this drops and all the sad tickers are carrying around their pink socks lamenting self-inflicted Fedex woes.

Let’s not get it twisted, landing this is going to be an exercise in self-flaggelation and St. Louis fecespeddlers have no empathy or shame in their rapacious requests. It is kinda like in the Ostfront when Germany was retreating, after years of dealing out abuse, the rest of the trade world is about to receive some grim comeuppance from an area that previously held Schlafly as the piece de resistance. “If they do only a fraction of what we have done to them, we will be in complete ruins.”

Alright so, whale pedigree, whale expectations: BUT HOW DOES THIS BERRY BANGER EVEN TASTE? Let me introduce you to my stove, traps queens on deck.

That look is undeniable. God damn.

That look is undeniable. God damn.

Fruited Wild Ale, 8% abv

St. Louis, Missouri

Straight out of the gates, look at this majestic cranberry, roseate, blood of the nonbelievers spilling on the cobblestones.  It is easily one of the most beautiful wild ales this side of Cable Car Kriek and has flawless carb, sheeting and this delightfully filthy dance of residual seeds and flesh dancing in the globe. Stepdad is gonna spank those 9th grader asses stop sign red for opening his pink beer while he is at work at Cici’s Pizza.

I braced for some acetylaldehyde or maybe a touch of some formative Rose De Gambrius vinegar, but the whole affair takes things to the redline zone in every way.  There was no expense spared, no restrain used, no nuances employed, this is a 9 minute long raspberry Dragonforce solo that melts your baby momma’s face when she looks at it directly.  It is liquid fruit by the foot, gushers, red 5, muddled berries, smuckers, intense acidity that burns your eyelashes magenta, and waves of so many hispanic roadside fruitstands.  I imagine this is what it would feel like to get jumped into a gang, in a berry field.  It is just too much of a good thing to the point of being berry incarnate.  It cannot be reasoned with.

Behold, the ruby weapon, awakened after so many millenia of hateful slumber under the desert.

Behold, the ruby weapon, awakened after so many millenia of hateful slumber under the desert.

The taste takes the acidicty, fruit, and completely tactless overkill of the nose and takes it to suborbital heights.  This is not the Platonic form of a framboise, it is some malevolent Mojoverse where science has been harnessed to go beyond the berry into a weaponized raspberry neutron bomb.  It is ambrosial and deriding, like that abusive girl you met on Tinder who only hits you up after 3am. Given the quality of the interaction you tolerate the violence, if under suboptimal circumstances.  This is unlike ANY berry beer you have had, RASPY or otherwise.

Let me underscore something: this is NOT a one dimensional lactic acid bomb like Upland moves through the basic palate raffleranks. This is those end game weapons that are so powerful that they break the game as a result. Alright you know how everyone has a rock hard lambic boner for Framboos despite the fact that 2014 was flat and riddled with exit flaws? Imagine that is something like Old Rip Van Winkle 10. This, by contrast is something completely more insane, outside the penumbra of your training, this is uncut barrel strength WLW that will not be dominated.

clacking those pink bottoms, all these poverty tickers belly up to the bar tryna throw singles at a raindance tick

clacking those pink bottoms, all these poverty tickers belly up to the bar tryna throw singles at a raindance tick

There are waves of tannic skins that spin down your mid palate with delicious black cherry and currant heft but streak like an orbital laser, exothermic destruction on the back palate.  I had to drink my first glass with a water nearby, not unlike WLW.  I promise you guys I was not being a tamponpalate, this is way over the top intense and made for the St. Louis 13 person tastings in which these are invariably only opened. The magnificent drag down the throat is like uncut raspberry blow, the drip is enough to make some tickers cough because it isn’t stepped on.

tfw you at work not embarrassed to read 900 words about a fruit beer but see this and close the tab

tfw you at work not embarrassed to read 900 words about a fruit beer but see this and close the tab

At about the last 8 ounces, I had two chapped labias on my face and had to “proof” the raspberry fury down and I cut it with a Highland Park blended saison All the yeast.  The blend felt like a resignation, like i quit, I Tapped Out like so many stickers on slammer Silverados. Candidly, the blend was incredible and added that grist and cheesiness that the beer needed.

It is not flawless, but god damn if it isn’t some straight up once in a lifetime barrel strength madness that has never been replicated. It is the beer form of the Dodge Challenger Hellcat, no one needs 702 raspberries under the hood, but if you have the cash to get it, by all means go fucking nuts on the backstreets.  This is not a daily driver framboise, the berry burnouts are far too substantial for my weak dentistry.

DDB gets that coveted berry banger and gives criticism, the music of weak bloggers screaming in unison

DDB gets that coveted berry banger and gives criticism, the music of weak bloggers screaming in unison

Thankfully, every Untappd dipshit will be checking in a lukewarm meniscus pour so small it cant even retain surface tension.  This bilateral exchange of misplaced reverence and undeserved pride fuels the current trade scene, with Kafkaesque results.  We can’t blame Cory King for that, but we can blame him for not getting Mother 3 ported to the United States as Mother 3.  THANKS A LOT, CORY. FUCK.

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Guize Let’s Review Four Beers from Saint Archer before the Storage Wars Marathon Starts.

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Like baseball, the beer world is a sphere with a tight orbit. Revolutions come and go, epochs arrive within the space of a year, and sunsets cascade endlessly like so many sliders strewn across the horizon. As a result, beer consumers are assholes with elephantine memories. If a beer was infected during the Bush administration, you’ll be damn sure someone who wasn’t even into craft beer at that time will be spouting petty epithets. LOL BC FLAT ABEY and Hellshire II amirite? You can even give full refunds for beers a and there will be some dumbass fresh out of undergrad who wants to still mention BURERY IS QC PROBLEM.

Montage Pale Kids

Montage Pale Kids

This is the culture we live in, petty mouthbreathers who don’t often forgive and even more rarely forget.

In the spirit, today I want to review some beers from a brewery that had a PR face plant earlier this year, to give them a fair shake and see if the product warrants overlooking some baseball comments. Full disclosure, I don’t even sports so I could give a shit less what stadiums peddle what beers at which huge arenas funded by public money then named after shitty corporations. I care about sugar water, not vicariously living through people in better shape than I am playing professional versions of elementary school recess diversions.. Just so we are on the same page.

Let’s review some shelfies today, for a change of pace:

that Bt1 glass, a ghost from the past.

that Bt1 glass, a ghost from the past.

St. Archer pale ale:

Ok get ready for your nutsack to detonate with a de novo beer of complete first impression. No way, a California ale strain with two row, cascade, simcoe and citra. I guess I can’t really fault a simple design since that is the archetype for a million pale ale iterations in closet carboys as we speak. The beer is admittedly pretty if not a touch dark in hue to my sensibilities, but maybe this is one of those beers that craves a can format. The nose is more aserose, chive, a bit of melon, and a waft of ride on lawn mower. Pretty standard affair with nothing discernibly bad or noteworthy either.

The taste is watery, a bit of sap and pine, some shallot and a chard finish. Nothing that will give you pause one way or another. At a certain point what the fuck do you really want? Should every pale be zombie dust and edward? Can’t we just stop arguing over finances and agree that your mother in law cannot stay with us? This beer is fine, you could do worse, or you could pay less and buy Lagunitas and be in materially unchanged position. Who gives a shit.

I drank this poolside to test the marketing on "normal" people and it was received with much fanfare. I am a jaded old hermit with long balls.

I drank this poolside to test the marketing on “normal” people and it was received with much fanfare. I am a jaded old hermit with long balls.

Regular Ass IPA

WELP, if you loved the pale ale, you will really love the slightly larger version with more rear passenger legroom. This is better than the pale because of the finish having a touch more malt to balance out the vegetal pale ale aspects and the mouthfeel isn’t a water park affair replete with splish, splash attendant thereto. In the most crowded craft beer segment, this offers up an offering safer than a Latter Day Saint using two condoms.

AN excellent beer for BOOM CUP, if you know what that is. U betr axe sumbuddy

AN excellent beer for BOOM CUP, if you know what that is. U betr axe sumbuddy

In a blind IPA tasting this will hit the dead median by courting palates with accessibility over originality. It is world’s better than Sam Adams ipas or New Belgium’s Ranger, but from a smaller craft segment it has a tough time actively competing against Pizza Port or Three Floyds’ comparable offerings. Again, nothing to avoid and a solid grocery store pick. Price point is there, product is there, what more do you want from DDb? We live in a world awash with choices, so why are you making out with your second cousin? SHE IS CLEARLY ON MOLLY.

Now things are heating up.

Now things are heating up.

Double ipa:

One thing that you begin to notice while working through the St Archer lineup in reverse ethanol content, lowest to highest, is that you see that they maintain that Three Floyd’s sort of existence where they shine the most in the upper registry. Their marketing and branding seems wholly focused on some fresh fun San Diegan experience but I don’t buy it. Like those gems Arctic Panzer Wolf, Deadnaught, and Space Station Middle Finger, their Dipas are where the tires meet the asphalt. The St. Archer double ipa takes the muted aspects from the regular ipa and ramps them up beautifully. The malts are still restrained and provide just enough volume for that hoppy internal combustion to occur. It is sappy, pithy, a nice sweetness to the middle body that underscores the pine and baby kale. The tropical fruits sit idly in the backseat asking how much longer, kicking the alpha acid seat making you wish you opted for those coney flip down monitors in your India pale Aledyssey. It almost seems massively out of place relative to the rest of their gentle catalog and its a shame you don’t see it being pushed nearly as hard as the sessionable offerings.  Typical.  Hide the best shit, pump the forgettable offerings aka that Fremont Brewing strategy.

shit gets real when that TB2.0 globe hits the scene.

shit gets real when that TB2.0 globe hits the scene.

Mosaic Ipa
Alright now to the logical conclusion of this “saint bigger is saint better” archetype. The mosaic ipa is a massive 9% Abv arsenal of cut grass, wheatgrass, lemon zest, cantaloupe, and cut firewood cords. This one is not just phenomenal within the subset of the St Archer catalog, it is great in the global sense relative to all other Dipas, mosaic or otherwise. I know you will do a spit take but hear me out. This is seriously awesome.

Part of me feels like they dropped the marketing ball once again in a major way. At first glance this looks like a mild riff on the existing ipa, but no, this is an altogether different beast. The mouthfeel coats substantially and burns off under the press of its own oily disposition. They really should have done a better job establishing that this is damn near on the rails to bring a triple ipa, not just some standard ipa. It feels weird lambasting a brewery for not doing a better job explaining why their shit is amazing, since most self aggrandizing marketing is laughably bad. But seriously, the average consumer has no idea what they are passing over, and how could they?  This is a hulking giant of alpha acid firepower that craves your oral embrace.

I know most Vermont dipshits think DIPAs need to look like Donald Duck orange juice to be good. settle down.

I know most Vermont dipshits think DIPAs need to look like Donald Duck orange juice to be good. settle down.

In sum, St Archer is silently creating some awesome beers and their marketing team needs to direct consumer attention to these very relevant developments. No one gives a shirtless uncle fuck about the blonde, or the innumerable predictable riffs on a california ale strain. If they are gonna make massive delicious beers like this mosaic (d)ipa, then sign me up for that and leave baseball and the low abv bullshit off my radar.

Tl;dr the mosaic is awesome so buy it, baseball isnt srs bznss.

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Bruery Levuds, confession, Arbre, Chronology 12, and melange 11. sure, Why not.

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Since people constantly ask me about this shit, here goes nothing:

Levuds: this is Duvel spelled backwards and if you pour this beer it will try to acquire all the other beers. It’s a solid clean dry belgian golden that seems like it has some noble hops, abv is well masked, it is well done if not butthole shattering. It seems better than that OG version from back in the day.

Confession 2015: I loved this back in 2012 when it was called “Riesling blend sour” and it is even better this time around. Essentially served dead flat, this is a phenomenal spritzer of imperceptible abv and white grape, touch of vanilla and lemon zest. It is hardly sour and more wine forward than anything I have had since Oui Oui. One of the best of the year from Bruery hands down.

Arbre light char: a forgettable brownie batter nose, light roast and coffee toastiness that closes short and fudgey. Nothing to give you pause, it is fine I suppose.

Chronology 12: this is basically SHASTA Melange 3 and I feel this is the oak breaking point and would prefer a C9 as a midpoint. For the money though, massive phenomenal beer that will stand the test of time. Never too heavy handed or flabby, boozy and a vaporous caramel raisin finish. If you can’t grab a m3, this is a fantastic substitute. The real issue is that that anniversary beers are so similar and good, this gets pulled down in the undertow.

Melange 11: anise. Cinnamon. Dates. What in the actual fuck. I expected this to be a nightmarish old ale, instead it is a wholy tolerable and uniquely weird wild ale. The nose smells like grape KOOL aid. The taste is a novel flanders red meets bourbon soaked merlot. All of the spices are not present thank god. It isn’t incredible, but it fails to be so horrible to warrant comment either. I have had plenty of worse “standard” wild ales from other breweries. Split a bottle, pop in Battletoads, let the rage flow.
HEY WHAT ABOUT TONELERRIE, SOUREN, and GYPSY TART

fine. I guess we can do that shit too.

  
Tonelerrie rue: a secret about this beer is that it essentially has previously beer released too young to mediocre fanfare. Those in the know laid these bangers down for 9 months and enjoyed their bone dry gusher. With oak ferm and all oak aging this beer is killing it this round, from a brewery not exactly praised for their farmhouse roots. You get esters and oak on the nose, nothing too batshit. The taste follows through with a well attenuated, clean, dialed in and refreshing mouthfeel. In terms of deals sure this is no oak aged logsdon, but still damn tasty.

SOUREN: this is a more substantial riff on a belgian golden, light honey and tannic grapey sweetness. It is fine, nothing insane, nothing acetic or deficient. On a side note: holy fuck at 10% this makes consecration seem overstated, feed this to your cougarsonly.com Gf. It is croosh and delicious, albeit forgettable in the scope of the highly competitive wild ale realm.

  
Gypsy tart: a shittier version of regular ass Oud tart. Light acetylaldehyde, sole copper and burnt sugar. 

There you have it. Confession is a mandatory ISO. Tonelerrie is a rad extra. Everything else is pretty okay. I GUESS.

Shameless apologist homer signing off.

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DDB Takes You to Blonde Barleywine Hell and Back with Helldorado. At least FW doesnt block DDB…yet.

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Helldorado
BLONDE BARLEYWINE BRUH, not BJCP certified

13.2% abv

“An Imperial Blonde Ale or Blonde Barley Wine; Helldorado has the lightest color of any of the beers in our barrel program but carries a great deal of interesting barrel character:  vanilla, light char and amazing lavender-honey notes.  Rich boozy honey liqueur character and loads of smooth sweet toasted malt to finish.  The El Dorado hops dance in the background without playing a dominant role in the flavor profile.  This beer gets better and better the longer it is in barrel.”

Strawberry blonde. I GOT BARLEY IN MY SCALP BREX.

Strawberry blonde. I GOT BARLEY IN MY SCALP BREX.

Oh blonde barleywines. Hot on the heels of the literally inimitable “central coast quad” comes this novel, unclassifiable gem from them Paso ballers. I remember back when this was a component beer blended into so many FW anniversary beers, I was like “interesting, this would be a daunting bomber to take down solo” and yet here we are.

My anticipation was to get something in the realm of ba Old Numbskull or BA Behemoth, with more wheaty gristy interplay. The result in actuality falls closer to something like Bruery’s White Chocolate or White Oak Sap or god forbid, Surly’s nightmarishly honey coated Syxx.

It isn’t particularly blonde, but it does have a certain beautiful ruddy sandy blonde, Sunkist tanned body to it. This is the lifeguard of barrel aged beers. Flexed, toned, but still massive enough to pull you out of bad situations, strong enough to put you in even worse situations. Drink this by the pool, you might drown, that barleywine life is full of risks, what can I tell you?

The nose is sadly sweeter than I could have demanded. There are waves of Carmelized agave nectar , Bit O Honey, Graham cracker, mallow foam, and an AARP bowl of Werther’s originals sitting on Gamgam’s lap. It doesn’t come across as overly saccharine, but there is a touch of glazed donut from the malts and barrel interplay that an “average” consumer will give the same tired “holy smokes! You can’t even call this beer at this point!!!! LOLOLOL” and you just rest your face in your hands listening to the same trite shit from co-workers and relatives alike.

The taste follows through on the Skor bar, There’s smashed caramello, lingering sappy oak, a light lacquer like shop class and finishes like sweet pencil shavings. It never feels like a stretchmarked beast, but you shouldn’t commit to this one for any prolonged sessions. I split this bomber and the fusel notes started escaping at higher temps like latently racist comments from a drunk republican.

Dat tome squig tho

Dat tome squig tho

This falls squarely in the realm of “well made, but did we actually need this?” Sort of zone that Bruery massive beers can inhabit.  It’s not like HAS SCIENCE GONE TOO FAR but I don’t see the military or long term peaceful applications of this beer. Then again, this is a massive improvement over the completely misguided DDBA so I guess small thanks for tiny blessings. It is unquestionably worth your time and a great service to the beer world at large to put out undeniably awesome, novel, barrel aged beers that continue to shape the palates of grocery store ballers at large. This will age gracefully and integrate phenomenally and a touch of that oxy cardboard in a couple of years will likely give it that awesome depth that perhaps the saccharine and fusel minor complaints are bothering at the outset.

As a corollary, if you are like Blend Raymond, this would be a masterful beer to have on hand at parties if you want to jazz up existing barrel aged beers because it presents itself like a universal Lego board to improve nearly every BA beer out there.  But this sort of accolade is only of utility to the oddest DDB reader, far along down the craft beer rabbit hole.

Now we get to wait until Velvet Merkin drops for the annual tradition of listening to new beer dumbfucks complain that “it isn’t as big as Parabola. Needs more bourbons, more abv TOO THIN THO”  and all that stupid rhetoric.

Every. Single. Year.

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Pizza Boy Mango Sourer, Trub a Dub Dub, Buncha Fruits in a Tub

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It is a shame that Side Project never made a Mange Du Fermier, because when I saw pizza boy was dropping a mango sour I knew exactly what I was in for. The prior Funker releases were muddy trubtastic yeast cake bombs priced at $30 each. People lost their EBT-tier minds and these poverty tier PA consumers took to social media to complain from dusty old Compaq crt desktops. Complaining to breweries on social media always yields high dividends.

The whole affair was an awesome spectacle and I am sure Three Floyds was in Indiana polishing its monocle laughing at selling Bully Guppy for $30 without a titter.

No filters or any modification was done to this photo. That is srs how the beer looks.

No filters or any modification was done to this photo. That is srs how the beer looks.

So then this mango beer drops…priced at $25 [EDITED: post previously erroneously noted that the price was $30]. Right when I took it out of the box I looked through the brown glass and saw those lava lamp contents spurting around in graceful chunks. I knew shit was about to be Odwalla as FUQQQ.

The entirety of this review could probably be summed up with two photos. Seriously look at this beer and take it in, visually consume its majesty. I poured this for my buddy who owns a crossfit gym and is ultra paleo and the discussion went like this
“You said we were having beer”
“We are”
“That looks like a Robeks blender”
“It has a lot of fruit in it”
“If the beer is so good why does it need so much fruit. It looks literally like Naked juice you buy at the grocery store”
“I don’t know, it’s a mango sour, just drink it”
“So as a brewery you can basically just sell puréed fruit”
“Just stfu already”

All visual jokes aside, the nose on it is admittedly incredible though. It is pithy whipped mango, merengue, tangerine, intense fruit tannins, so much clementine flesh, and endless citrus. It smells literally like a Jamba Juice smoothie.

The Ark of the Covenant, don't look directly at the mangos

The Produce Ark of the Covenant, don’t look directly at the mangos

The taste carries this though entirely, it is basically fruity to the shandy threshold and the base beer could be literally anything. The mouthfeel is thick and pulpy, the taste is acidic and there is zero alcohol presence. It reminds me of a Bellini or hangover brunch mimosa you give to an absentee mother.

I dont know how to evaluate this within the threshold of beers and fermentation culture because the whole affair is masked by dripping tropical harvest. It is delicious in the way that apricot juice is delicious. The brewer doesn’t really have a meaningful interplay since nature’s bounty makes the cup runneth over.

So….good job? I guess?