@tiredhandsbeer Handfarm, Barrel aged 500 bottle saison releases? This website was made for this kind of shit.

I hope YOUR hands aren’t too tired from stroking it to all these Pennsylvania walez. In today’s review we look at the inimitable Handfarm, a remix portmanteau of farmhands, aged in barrels, waxed and waiting for your touch. If you are new to this site, you might want to read up on Hop Hands before you just go into this review with some dry labias: Here is the cagematch from Saison Marathon yes I know that is a totally different beer. I am putting people up on that Tired Hands tip.

The only thing that can make an awesome saison even more betterer is barrel aging, look what it did to Arthur, took an already good beer to ART beast mode levels. Anyway, so this was a super small release and my balloon knot has been so puckered waiting to put my mouth on this so lets get to it.

God damn this beer is incredible.  In the unlikely event that you missed out on the 180 bottles of Ann, please seek this out.

God damn this beer is incredible. In the unlikely event that you missed out on the 180 bottles of Ann, please seek this out.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 5.20% ABV

A: No surprises out of the gate here, it looks very similar to Farmhands with a milky sort of pale straw disposition, folding its arms with microbubbles and some will of the wisp lacing regenerating for one black mana on the edges of the glass. MAGIC THE GATHERING JOKES: WE ARE DOING THEM NOW.

A beer this complex and refreshing that clocks in at 5%? They must have leveled their saison specs so hard. DPS for days.

A beer this complex and refreshing that clocks in at 5%? They must have leveled their saison specs so hard. DPS for days.

S: Wow, this reminds me a lot of Ann on the nose with just a huge dry white grape, musk, brett C, a light sweetness like those crescent rolls that people always fight over in commercials, lemon rind, and any candle that is yellow basically (lemon, birthday cake, sunlight, whatever.)

T: This carries more of a floral aspect than I was expecting and it presents a brett c muskiness at the outset that takes me to that vintage Fantome printemps land pretty quickly. There is a ton of complexity in the grain bill, you get sweetness, a light scratchiness as though rye was up in the mix, complicated yeasty profile on the backend that reminds me of banana runts. The yellow ones everyone always be throwing away. Again, this is just incredibly refreshing and the format size and inaccessibility of this beer is almost a complete “fuck you” to anyone without a legit cellar and a Fedex account. I DONT FEEL BAD FOR THEM THEY CAN DRINK HENNEPIN AND FUCK OFF.

This beer is so good, I wish they could just deliver it to my door.

This beer is so good, I wish they could just deliver it to my door.

M: This is dry at the outset because of the barrel and the brett c I would wager, think Seizoen bretta land, but the yeast and complex ass malt bill comes in kicking in doors without a warrant, tagging your mouthwalls up with sweetness, biscuit notes, stick floral potted plants on the gumline. When it leaves you don’t even know where to start, someone just farmfucked your mouth but you dont even fill out a police report because you secretly liked it.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and to say that 500ml is not enough is like dropping my monocle in a glass of 1995 Chateau Margoux and complaining about the dry cleaning bill. Most people will never have this, but this review site is not for most people. Chances are, if you are here you already lost most of your regular friends to the beer game. This site is for fucking lifers, guys with beer shivs tucked under their shitty ikea beds. If you want an incredibly refreshing saison, seek this out. It is both complex and restrained at the same time. It was gone before it even arrived.

Taking barrel aged saisons and comparing them is an art not a science

Taking barrel aged saisons and comparing them is an art not a science

Narrative: Chester Wakely was an average rabbit by any onlooker’s standards. Pronounced bicupsinds, whiskers, nimble, and soft to the touch. He spent his days in a gentle repose amongst the willows and sagebrush, basking in the floral decadence of the springtime sun. Deep down Chester knew that something was different about him. There was a longing complexity to his character that transcended the run of the mill “avoiding predators” and “mating.” Chester would often look across the hills to the Perkinson Vineyard and wonder about those pale yellow grapes lingering on the vine. Those chardonnay casks rolled in and out like the waxing and waning of moons. While he was only 5 lbs and a rabbit, he longed to be get deep into vinification. He lacked opposable thumbs or a developed cortex to execute complex processes, but God damnit, Chester could dream. He would later be hit by a Suzuki Samurai while trying to cross the interstate.

Godspeed, Chester.


Great Lakes Brewing Company Edmund Fitzgerald Porter, Gripping the Wood Like Kiki Shepard

What else is there to say about this beer? It is one of the best porters in the entire world, it packs a huge flavorful punch with a paltry 150 calories, has an incredible balance and just might be the textbook example of an American Porter. Let’s stop gripping the wood and investigates the guts of this shipwreck.

If you see this or trade for it-

-Obtain several, you will not regret it.

Great Lakes Brewing Company
Ohio, United States
American Porter | 5.80% ABV

A: The appearance pours a nice thin wispy cola color with light mahogany and slippery watery disposition like that used car salesman always trying to put you in a Mazda 3. The lacing is rife with fine microbubbles, bubbles on her its skin make a white stripe like a zebra. The lacing is substantial and looks like a lacy dress that Taylor Swift was wearing before she got his by a depleted uranium round. Goodnight sweet princess.

This will catch you off-guard, but damn, it is worth talking about.

S: The smell is sweet like turbinado sugar with light baker’s chocolate and a hint of Nestle chips. There is a light char on the backend that is notable but not intimidating, like a baby blue Pit Bull. Adorable amounts of roast.

T: The taste is incredibly light and refreshing with initial sweetness that follows with a slick chocolate aspect like you tried to make Quik with water, you poor asshole. There’s a nice light tobacco and roastiness on the backend that rounds out the watery straight up porter aspect to it. This is like a sessionable imperial stout if you want some sort of paradox with your beer reviews, it has all the big charm of a powered up track home, with with the panache of a studio apartment. Swag curb appeal.

DURRR levels at 0% with this one. Super official.

M: This might be my favorite aspect this beer. It is incredibly light and dances swiftly from flavor zone to zone imparting a nice sweet and hint of smoke aspect. If you went to Wikipedia for something other than jungle porn, you would find this as an unverified textbook definition of a porter, citation unneeded.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and the price and 6 packs are all the explanation I need for the obesity epidemic in the midwest. If I were a fireman, or like, an insurance salesman, I would drink this before work instead of coffee. It is that good and refreshing. Or maybe you just live in a rural part of Ohio and your Saturday night fun has a price tag of $9.99, throwing rocks at trains and shit. Get on that grizzy.

It is an amazing porter, I know it is 5%, there’s no time to explain, get in.

Narrative: Michael Chambers was a legacy weatherman as KFEC 6 and everyone in the newsroom knew it. He would swagger in just minuted before the cameras were live, pressing Hershey kisses into the palms of his co-workers. He spun a tight circle and flashed a smile at the producer and sauntered over to the weather green screen in a light brown suit, looking as smooth as the summer day is long. “OK, Mike, hey, let’s get this shot down-” he was popping and locking in a charming manner while ushering the computer generated clouds across Lake Michigan. He might be a bit sweet, even at some times borderline cloying, but God damn it if that Mike Chambers wasn’t a refreshing guy to be around, at all times.