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@tiredhandsbeer Artisnale Oyster Stout brewed with Escargot shells, THIS IS MAKING MY SNAIL COME OUT OF ITS SHELL

Alright stay with me here, I know this is a little crazy, oyster stout brewed with snail shells? I guess I should preface this entire review by saying 1) I don’t like oyster stouts in general and 2) I don’t eat snails, unless I am in a third world country and I am doing it for the lulz to show them I am just like thems. That being said, I will skull any beer and have zero regrets, well ok maybe SOME REGRETS.

But let’s bust these shells wide open and suck out the juices in today’s review.

snails poppin slugs at those haterzzz

snails poppin slugs at those haterzzz

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
American Stout | 7.80% ABV

A: The carbonation on this beer is legendary and even the slightest agitation takes it to pre-menstrual levels of anger. I know it looks like I poured this like an asshole, but srs, I was pediatrician gentle with it and it still was all rustled. The slick “light black” inkiness of the beer seems almost deep brown in a way, compared to most imperial stouts that are darker than Satan’s magic. The head is absurd and straight out of a Juicy J video, all dark and excessive.

if you drink this stout, chances are you aren't a complete piece of shit. Pic related.

if you drink this stout, chances are you aren’t a complete piece of shit. Pic related.

S: This has a really sweet tootsie roll sort of waft to the smell, light roast, baker’s chocolate, and a sort of milk chocolate aspect to it on the nose. The hops are really restrained an almost seem to be well integrated with the char of the malts. I will say at the very back end there is this sort of longshoreman brine meets salts sea captain sort of thing going on that almost reminds me of a jar of nickels. It is not all up in the spotlight but the imperial oyster aspects are in the background, spinning salty jams for everyone to rage to.

T: The foregoing is continued and sustained with a sweetness at the outset that is at first almost offputting like some “imperial” stouts from England where you just lul at them for trying, being all turbinado and sticky. But then out of nowhere off the high ropes fucking brine and this metallic aspect comes in and drops ‘bows and puts the roast in a figure four. You think the ref is gonna call it, but oh shit, the snail shell aspect just smashed him with a folding chair. Things get out of hand really quick, but strangely, I had a hard time putting it down because I was fascinated by it.

if you are drinking imperial oyster stouts, chances are you aren't a complete beta bitch in the permafriend zone. pic related.

if you are drinking imperial oyster stouts, chances are you aren’t a complete beta bitch in the permafriend zone. pic related.

M: This has one of the craziest mouthfeels from a stout that I have experienced in a long time. I am assuming that the inclusion of the escargot shells imparted a huge calcium and alkaline boost to the water profile because the water is super hard in this mix. After you swallow, the sugars dont even linger on your teeth and you get this sort of lip smacking aspect that is strange from a stout. This too reminds me of those UK stouts with a really gentle mouthfeel and dainty carbonation, this paired with the crazy sweet meets salty aspects leave me perplexed and straight draining the bottle.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable with the caveat that you must be able to tolerate some sweetness, hard water, and a light brackishness to your stouts. This might be a deal breaker for most people, but I was intrigued by it and finished this with celerity. For not liking the style itself, I would wager that this is about as awesome as this genre can get while still being on style. It’s like having the world’s fastest hybrid in a way, certain concessions will be inherently present within the confined of the category.

for an 8% beer, you hit this beer and this beer hits back.

for an 8% beer, you hit this beer and this beer hits back.

Narrative: Penelope Brigston slid lazily across the wet concrete and soaked in the misty Seattle morning. The dew from last night gave a nice moisture profile to Vicksburg street and her stomachfoot embraced the pavement with calculating execution. She slowly passed the smashed earthworms, those annelida too ambitious to restrain themselves from walking right into traffic. Penelope felt a small disconnect with the suburban street and thought about all of her taxonomic brethren, such diversity in her family and yet she was alienated from all of them. Hell, she hardly ever wrote to her sea mollusk family anymore and the better part of her days were consumed in either eating fescue or licking Tootsie Roll wrappers. Busy days all around. Her radula worked assiduously tearing apart a discarded piece of romaine lettuce and she savored the metallic taste of the sardines and salt in the dressing. It was a hazy morning but Penelope would face life with both antennae forward, living life out of her shell as much as possible.

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Foothills Brewing Company, Barrel Aged Sexual Chocolate, ERMAGERDD PERPY VAN WANKLE BERRELS

Alright, barrel aged stout week continues with yet another top 100 imperial stout aged in NONE OTHER THAN PAPPY VAN WINKLE BARRELS. The catch here is that, like the disappointing BA People’s Porter, they spent a hot minute on the barrels. A hot 4 months, to be exact. By my BA standards, that is barely what you serve for repeat domestic violence charges. I want some straight up lifers when it comes to ba stouts. Anyway, people love this beer, I am not a huge fan, but who am I to deny you my erudite take on this revered libation? Let’s take a look at this blacksploitation ass bottle

I have been informed that the south is hot, intolerant, sticky, and humid. Pass the barrel aged stouts please.

Foothills Brewing Company
North Carolina, United States
Russian Imperial Stout | 9.75% ABV

A: This follows in the same vein as my review of Great Lakes barrel aged Blackout Stout in that it is incredibly thin for an imperial stout. Think Czar Jack levels. I am not sure if this makes stoichometric sense, but, I feel like barrel aging this beer actually made it considerable thinner. The sheeting is minimal and the carbonation is reluctant as a C student in madrasa. The look is a nice pentel ink black with a slick shine to it like boot black.

You take pappy van winkle barrels and expect some epic shit, then you realize it has a tiny japanese school girl hanging off of it. That caption really ran into some problems.

S: This has a great nose to it, and is probably my favorite part of this beer. I enjoy the chocolate, sweet cocoa notes, you get some light oak, there’s a touch of macaroon and butterscotch to it, but again this is all set forth on the stage of immense chocolate. Again, I feel that even that aspect from the base beer has been ratcheted back, for obvious reasons. I am not sure that the tradeoff for the brief jaunt in a barrel was really worth it. Then again, this beer usually hovers around 1000 bottles, so obviously the clamoring masses know better than I.

T: There is a light sweetness of coffee and some fleeting notes of caramel bourbon, similar to 4 roses treatments. Again, the whole affair is very brief and imparts a very gentle introductory and impartially administered hand to the BA Stout crowd. If you are coming off the heels of BCBS or something like that, this is going to seem downright sessionable. There’s a light cola aspect to it, but the thin tepid nature just doesn’t deliver huge on either a chocolate cake or illiterate gold miner bourbon aspect either. It’s like when Super Mario Bros 2 came out and everyone was like “wait wat.”

With enough time in a bourbon barrel, amazing things can evolve and develop.

M: Just rehash all I said above and use your imagination for once. This beer is thin, crisp, lightly slick, and doesn’t hang around for very long. This is by no means a bad beer and I welcome variations in execution, but this just doesn’t suit my particular stout needs. Insert innuendo re: thick, black, sticky, what have you.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable. The 22oz bottle drinks like a 6% import stout and this beer soars in this category. However, the last release was what, 1200 bottles? So this isn’t exactly like Stone IRS where you can just chain combos together for maximum points. If you are into sweeter BA stouts like the Eclipse treatments and that sorta jazz, this will probably be up your alley, but for all the trouble associated with trading for it, the base beer is arguably superior.

This is just a gentle lil stout that wants some malty cuddling and a nice home. Does not bite, has all shots, is housebroken.

Narrative: The Baltimore police department had spent the greater part of their annual budget on this risky gambit, but they finally developed the ultimate weapon to counteract west Baltimore heroin sales. “ALL SYSTEMS ONLINE,” the monitor boomed from the center compartment of the R.A.V.E.N. 3400. “Very good Raven, now walk forward-” Carl Kensington commanded into the laboratory microphone. The 4 months of development had taken officer Jennings from a comatose beat officer into a highly sophisticated crime fighting instrument of martial law. “Engaging BRIAN BILLICK SEQUENCE-” the robot boomed and staggered forward, 3 steps forward, 4 steps back, on questionable terrain. Dr. Kensington chewed his glasses pensively in what could only be deemd the most cliche manner possible. “It seems the original AI has fused with officer Jennings personal concerns, WE HAVE MADE A MONSTER.” The mechanical abomination began on a rapid mechanize tirade stating, “Afterastellar2006season/improveuponthe13-3record…injuries…poorplay_plagued..2007seasonintheAFCNorth$$cellar…disappointing5-11record…humiliating22-16overtimeloss…previouslywinlessMiamiDolphins-” The scientists could not get this din to stop. They had taken the magic of officer Jennings and imparted a strange sophistication upon him that no one asked for. May God have mercy on the West Baltimore projects.