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GROCERY STORE WHALES: @weihenstephan Weihenstephaner Hefe, a Gem from the Paleozoic Papazian Era

If you have been following DDB for long enough, you might remember that in 2011 the big joke was to review top 100 beers from BA and RB and take them down a peg, and we were gonna do all of them, until I remembered that Kaggen was on that list and was like LOL fuqqq that.

Back before the world became obsessed with ultra acidic 300 bottle count wild ales parading around as “saisons,” this beer used to itch that wheaty yeasty patch for tickers who weren’t obsessing over hops.  Hops were super big in the late 2000’s, go look it up.  People actually had debates on BA regarding Pliny vs.- wait fuk. HOW FAR WE HAVE COME.

Anyway, this is the archetypical Hefe by which all others are measured.  Honestly, I am glad that is the case because this beer is still phenomenal, refreshing, and a pillar of classic execution.  In five years some brewery from Florida will make FLORIDAWEISEN and it will be like ph3.0 with a series of different barrel treatments and the annoying traders from the 2021 class will be like “I NEVR LIKED HEFS TIL I TRIED THIS WON!!!”

So let’s preemptively lament that fate by reviewing one of the standard greats, before it is uncool to laud praise on nice things:

No one sent me this, I totally just have all this Weihenstephaner merch laying around

No one sent me this, I totally just have all this Weihenstephaner merch laying around

Weihenstephan (WHY-HEN-STEPHAN or if you want to show people you studied abroad like a condescending dickhead, VAI-EN-SCCCCHTEPAN)

Hefeweizen 5.4% abv

A:  This is the king of ropey turbidity before brewers started emptying their monoculture loads in the secondary.  The wheat grist is frothy and allows a radiant burnt honey and muddled biscuit through with ample carbonation cascading upwards like a malfunctioning sprinklerhead.  The lacing is generous and sheets in rings like a deliciously flithy bubble bath.  In Plato’s analogy of the cave, this is the archetypical FORM of the Hef.  Adjust your eyes and look upon it in reverence.

NO ONE HAS EVER EVEN SEEN THIS BEER BEFORE GET A GOOD LOOK

NO ONE HAS EVER EVEN SEEN THIS BEER BEFORE GET A GOOD LOOK

S:  This is the mold from which all others were cast, not just chronologically, but in logical influence and scope.  It is the Mario of the Hef world, balanced and nimble in execution without stupid shit like honey, coriander, orange slices, or other garbage.  The drawback of drinking this is some middle-aged Stepdad with a fermenting bucket will try to talk to you about Reinheitsgebot and that is the worst of all fates.  You get fresh Grand’s biscuits, esters like clove and fennel, obviously a huge navel orange and tangerine presence and a lemongrass finish to the yeasty profile.  It is refreshing, approachable, a pick up and play console before the current wave of beer nerds started acting like condescending PC assholes playing Witcher 3 on full resolution.

T:  This has a creamy mouthfeel to it that is a great platform for the baking spices and lighly herbal saazy dryness to the finish.  Someone will invariably be like I THINK ITS ACTUALLY HAUERTALLER or HEY I LIKE VITUS MORE LETS TALK ABOUT VITUS, and those people need to get vasectomies asap.  The typical thing to review this beer is to just repeat the words “BANANAS AND ORANGES” six times in a row, but to be honest to my geriatric palate, I feel this is more yeasty and estery than anything else.  Those aren’t mutally exclusive, but I get allspice and clove, huge wheat grist, and a kinda pineapple swallow to it.  Inb4 everyone says DDB likes frothy pineapple swallows.  I get it.  Jizz.  We all get it.

the KRISTAL is also noteworthy, but let's not get too off-course here.

the KRISTAL is also noteworthy, but let’s not get too off-course here.

Candidly my favorite Hefe of all time is made by Live Oak brewing, but this is easily top 3 and it stands like the classic lines of a C4 Corvette which can stand the test of time and still have even the most seasoned vets come back to enjoy.  It is the arms of a comforting Bavarian wench after you are impressed by a naval crew of beer shitlords.  You escape that Melville scenario and remember that you don’t need a Fedex account to get day drunk and watch Storage Wars on an ipad in your backyard.

NO FEDEX ACCOUNT AT ALL!

If you haven’t had this, be prepared for your beta casual friends to bring you a bottle of this around October because LOL UR MY BEER FRIEND AND U LIKE OCTOBERFEST RIGHT THE GUY IN THE WINE AISLE SAID THIS WAS OCTOBERFESTIVALS ALSO HERE’S A PRETZEL NECKLACE K

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@degardebrewing HOSE, oh man these gose puns NEVR SEEM TO GET OLD.

A year ago, you couldn’t get a brewery to make a Gose.  The Bruery made one back in 2011 and it was really unique and polarizing, intensely brackish and earthy, people rioted in the streets by way of their sticky moleskin journals.  Flash forward a couple years and those same lazy ass brewers realized they could just use a California Ale strain, their same tired ass witbier recipe, and add some coriander and sea salt: BOOM CASH IN ON THIS HOT NEW STYLE.  That certainly isn’t the case here because, we are dealing with not only Oregon, but De Garde.  If they made a Gose that didn’t involve a gin barrel, we would call that a normal day.  Anyway, let’s see if barrel aging a gose with coriander and then dry hopping the shit out of it improves this old recipe.

In 2008 Draft magazine awarded its FIRST PERFECT SCORE: to Westmalle Tripel. Fantome Saison caught a hot 96.  How far we have come.

In 2008 Draft magazine awarded its FIRST PERFECT SCORE: to Westmalle Tripel.
Fantome Saison caught a hot 96. How far we have come.

Oregon, Somewhere on a cow farm or something, De Garde Brewing

Gose 4% abv

A:  This comes out the gates looking all grassroots as can be, small batch, turbid, messy orange rind, intense carb that billows upward like the inevitable foamy discharge from bottles of Dom P up in the club.  The lacing is lovely and clings with each sip cascading sirrus ringlets of malty residuals like the ever encroaching tide.  I wipe a tear away from my eye and get back to shopping for Elsa’s Frozen Ice castle on ebay.  The struggle.

S:  The nose is brackish but intensely bright with a citrus aspect like Squirt and Sierra Mist.  There is a sort of white grape and honey sweetness which closes dry and lightly herbal, a touch of green tea.  It doesn’t present itself like a gose and the funk wafts more like a barrel aged table beer, if such a thing exists.

DISCUSSING GOSESES? This blog is shitty, but it could be way worse.  Thank goodness for small blessings.

DISCUSSING GOSESES? This blog is shitty, but it could be way worse. Thank goodness for small blessings.

T:  This is like the narrow penumbra between American Wild and Biere de Pays, it is lightly tart, musky carpet, grapefruit and lemongrass that closes with a touch of earthiness like chantarelle mushrooms. The salinity is largely consumed by the varying elements at play, tartness grinding up on that muskiness, things get salacious real quick, foam going everywhere, there’s one Bosnian dude no one invited just filming the whole thing in a sweatsuit.  The salt and cheese lingers in your mouth and you secretly knew it would end like this.

M:  This exhibits a creamy mouthfeel that is expansive on the swallow and ends up finish dry and with a certain degree salinity.  It isn’t some tart bomb, but it isn’t exactly a blasee wheat affair either.  It is the meeting of a hoppy brett beer like Crooked Stave dry hopped brett d’or and something more akin to Avril and the result is an intensely crushable beer that delivers on many levels.  Really tasty stuff through and through.

posted in the trap sipping 40s of barrel aged coriander wheat beers

posted in the trap sipping 40s of barrel aged coriander wheat beers

D:  Again as I underscored above, this is mad croosh and you can just drill it endlessly without pause or cause for alarm.  At this point a 4% beer is what you space in between your 15% abv stouts so you cant really fret about the alcohol, but the real problem enters when you drill an entire bomber as an afterthought and immediately crave another and you realize that the shipping on the bottle cost almost as much as the beer itself.  It is far too drinkable for its own good and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  The Source tried to fuck Dre on the Chronic, but haters cant deny De Garde when they are pushing this kinda weight, five mics.

drilled that entire bottle in like 18 minutes.  The piss is forthcoming.

drilled that entire bottle in like 18 minutes. The piss is forthcoming.