When it rains it pours, my doorstep feeling like those mops in fantasia but wetting me down perpetually:

@noblealeworks promised me a birthday cake beer and then rickrolled the shit out of me IRL, that’s some certified @vito_at_noble chicanery right there.

If you couldn’t tell by the subtle references to Rob Liefeld and allusions to shit like Moon Knight and Cerberus, I was a huge comic book nerd growing up. I love to see @revbrewchicago pushing this idea back into the mainstream since now we have normies going to comicon and it’s somehow acceptable to talk about Thanos and infinity stones without declaring your celibacy in perpetuity.

When I heard the @nightshiftbeer was ramping up their barleygame, my desire was instantly floormalted. We shall see if their barrel game and can game is substantial Life, or some uncanny valley thereof

And finally this completely apeshit donation box:

Joseph Bruno is a god amongst mere tickers

Ruining underappreciated Washington breweries for people is like 20% of this entire site.

Whenever someone negs a stout for being naturally aspirated without forced barrel induction, there’s always some MD defender who is like “sure so what, yeah More brewing makes nothing but non ba stouts but that doesn’t mean anything, they are still delicious, sure they could literally make this stout every 5 weeks, who even cares, barrels aren’t ALWAYS an improvement.” The sound of collective eye rolling sounds like wet smattering. But sure, in some very limited instances, barrel aging turns a beer into pure nightmare juice. Anyone who has winced at regular dark lord and then entered full DSM trauma after trying Temeculan 3000 can attest. Regular ass Mexican cake is pretty okay. It was super relevant in the early 2012 era where just excessively adjuncting something was the stout equivalent of kick flipping a five stair. But oh vengeful god, what type of sins from our progeny bears this hateful fruit that is port and scotch Mexican cake? Please note, I am not setting this forth for some LOLOLOL hand stand hyperbolic shit, these beers are completely terrible and absolutely destroy the integrity of the base beer itself. Even more damning, if you drink it alongside the absolutely phenomenal bourbon variant you can’t even fathom how this pruney kitten drowner is in the same family as the other nobelaureates. I saw scotch and port continue to fall and fall and then relegated to “add in” status and suspected cognac 2.0 was afoot but this is leagues worse. I tried scotch first and already knew I might take exception based on my own palate shortcomings. It was better than that goose island islay but still entirely punitive to consume. Waves of cohiba cigars, burnout tires, flat ironed hair, and clown balloon 🎈 rounded out the affair and sniffed out the underlying graces of the base stout. Then port walks up like some new game+ Bloodborne boss and just ruins shit ten times worse. You cannot parry the port. It is flexing on an esophageal level. The beer opens with orchard rot, brown banana, prunes and blowtorched raisins, then moves to black sharpie and grape hookah. The term “drainpour” usually connotes some modicum of prior enjoyment. This is the categorical left swipe, fundamentally broken. Wholly lacking empathy and the stout equivalent of someone who actually believes in crisis actors.

Bruesicle. What in the actual possibility of celibacy. So @caseybrewing goes “how about 2lbs of amazing fruit inside a rad base farmhouse?” Then @blackprojectbeer was like “sure, but what about 3lbs of fruit in a pretty okay saison?” Then @theanswerva was like “fuck all that, 4lbs of fruit per gallon in a beer we didn’t even brew, also our fans are dipshits who will raffle 3%abv crowlers for $120” then @thebruery cracked their knuckles and was like “all juice.” And the sad CSU Fullerton intern was like “ssssir?” And @bruerypatrick boomed “I SAID ALL FRUIT GOD DAMN YOU” and the brewers got hard at work: not brewing. This is seriously just completely juice. Not in the dipshit untappd adjective-bankrupt floccboi “OMG JUUUUUUUUCE BOMBBBBB” , I mean this is literally naked juice that may have like 15% of some Berliner back blended in. How am I supposed to review this? It would be like reviewing a Bellini at some stupid fucking gender reveal party. Just look at this Robeks shit, you know exactly what Kerns tastes like, that’s what this tastes like. Can you drink 32oz of no fooling straight up produce? I bet you can’t. This is a net positive since most husky beer nerds only encounter fruit in marinara sauce format. I am glad this exists, I just don’t need to ever drink it.

2004 Cantillon St. Lamvinus unblended ghostloon 🐳. Single cask lammy with no priming sugar but still an excellent silky carb to it, far better than relatively younger Grand Crus, and as a result the mouthfeel has this nice creamy gelato aspect to it. My understanding is this was only made Akkurat to be served along side the normal ass poverty lam. This is rougher, muddied, light oxy and fantastic musk like construction paper and rocket pop sticks. The acidity is so refined and makes crushing this two ways exceptionally easy albeit compelling yourself to stop and try to reflect upon it. Paired well with a chick-fil-a. The swallow is layered and has this grape fruit leather and wet denim aspect that lingers exceptionally long without any mandibular drying. A god damn treat with that sticky minx @beersnobbin as usual.

File this one under: perfect timing

Brewed on the 5bbl pilot system.

My wife was disappointed that @horusagedales put a “69” on the back of my pink Horus shirt from the DDB/Horus collab BILberry blending video, so that swell guy Kyle sent me and her a new shirt with no 69. Also that banger Oceansides 11, and I have zero fucking clue what that tastes like.

I am confident that after the flaming dumpster fire drama with @duclawbrewingco a couple weeks ago, that people wanted some crazy hyperbolic takedown of this beer. Sadly, this beer fails to stand out in any real meaningful way, positive or negative and that net neutrality is almost more depressing. I mean, sure, just on paper this beer has a lot of already against it: unclear style designation, sky high abv, w brewery not exactly known for its barrel aged pedigree, its ambitious to say the least. It would be like if @victorybeer announced that they were releasing a barrel aged eisbock. You would wince and just wish them the best. This beer can best be described as “fusel martinellis” and the pistol for the palate flagellation sounds thereafter. The body for a beer this massive is wafer thin and that is a huge problem for a beer with this ” grain alcohol and nothing else” sort of execution. It’s Jazz apple and weird watery caramel with a shot of E and J dropped in. It’s not too sweet and in any other context that would be great but the intense drying and alcohol heat serves as the main attraction. Mind you I don’t have some baby palate I just in general tend to eschew drinking white lightning cut with Welch’s, as a guiding life principle. It bears reminding, this beer was bottled like four years ago and his is how integrated it is. If you like Curieux but were like “yeah but I dont deserve nice things” and dropped in some Malort, then here you go. It is a novelty it is historically noteworthy but the consumer for a beer like this simply does not exist in anno domini 2018.

Holy fuck I wish I were making this up: THE BEER CARAMELIZER. You know, running the most influential/humble beer site in the entire world, I get some wacky product emails but this one is on a whole new BJCP level. I had to read the copy several times because surely this couldn’t be what I think it is. But nope, it is.

You are looking at a fucking rod, that you put into an open campfire, and then use to stir your beer. I am not tugging your areolas. Someone made this and thought it was an excellent expression of beer culture and a must have Father’s Day item. Ask yourself: how many times have I ever heard of anyone do this ever? If you said “as many times as someone has recommended watching Speed 2: Cruise Control” then we are on the same page.

Hey so here is an idea, take a filthy ashy scorching hot metal rod, ok stay with me, plunge it into your appropriately chilled beer like some diabetic blacksmith. You degas your beer, potentially ruin your glass, maybe introduce a litany of unintended flavors, not to mention look like a total dipshit to any onlookers. We can only pray that someone is already taking this multimillion dollar concept to shark tank to set the beer world back decades.

I love that it screws together and I imagine some plush hardcase like a husky pool shark wheezing his way over to a campfire. Maybe I’m just not up on caramel science, but this easily ranks among the dumbest of shit and second only to competitive LARPing, there’s no better way to disappoint your dad this Father’s Day.

already expressed my grumblings with the recent Veil foray into barleywine so when I approached this mixed ferm saison, I had this air of resignation wondering whether Veil only had this one kinetically charged playing card in their Gambit arsenal. Remy Lebeaus aside, I was fucking wrong.  This beer might be better than their hop game and I cant see Veil outdoing what they have accomplished with this sleeper gem. The Veil’s Lovely could very well be the best beer that they have ever brewed and I have not seen a single ISO or a piece of confetti in the way of fanfare. The pale ale meets dry saison character is a fantastic canvas to paint these mixed ferm hues.  It is as delicate as a hibiscus flower floating in a puddle of Sierra Mist.  The body is svelte and elegant, crisp anjou pear, a foamy collaring akin to a malfunctioning dishwaster, residual grist rings the glass like a Dawn Oruborus.  The nose is radiant, that soft winter sunlight that offers up Meyer lemon, white Burgundy Chablis, and a minerality that imparts a brackish swallow of sorts. It’s a delicate little paper farmhouse crane that folds in on itself for this microstructure that is dizzying to unpack. This reminds me so much of the b1 Hill Farmstead Juicy with the old hop profile integrated in a motueka/Sprite/key lime pie on the nose. It has the deep hip mobility to break parallel with clean form, engaging the core and getting that deep saison pump.

Right when I saw this bad ratchet coming down the pipeline I had preconceived assumptions about its dankness.  Veil can do no wrong in the IPA game but the barleywine segment is a one trick pony of sorts, many breweries that can crush the Maris notes, that’s all they do. I don’t want to name names but I am sure you can think of a few. So HOW YOU LIKE THESE APPLES [brandy barrels]? The answer is a mixed ferm, because it attac but it also protec. On the one hand you have a robust nose bursting with twix bar, dark cocoa, rolo, and nougat. Your bullshit alert should be going off right now and I will confirm this is not a drill: THIS BEER IS NOT EXCEPTIONALLY LIFE LIKE.  That is not to say that this is deficient but it is well outside the barley strike zone.  If you approach this like the standard bearers of the genre, you will wince at the overt chocolate stouts roasty aspects.  The taste reminds me of those odd old ale meets imperial stout backblends where you want more of one or the other. It’s like a peanut butter and jelly lasagna where things would be improved if a dedication to a skill tree were employed. The taste serves up bakers chocolate, figs, caramelized raisin, and a lingering sweetness akin to peanut brittle. This is a tasty beer that warrants some caveats.