Holy fuck I wish I were making this up: THE BEER CARAMELIZER. You know, running the most influential/humble beer site in the entire world, I get some wacky product emails but this one is on a whole new BJCP level. I had to read the copy several times because surely this couldn’t be what I think it is. But nope, it is.

You are looking at a fucking rod, that you put into an open campfire, and then use to stir your beer. I am not tugging your areolas. Someone made this and thought it was an excellent expression of beer culture and a must have Father’s Day item. Ask yourself: how many times have I ever heard of anyone do this ever? If you said “as many times as someone has recommended watching Speed 2: Cruise Control” then we are on the same page.

Hey so here is an idea, take a filthy ashy scorching hot metal rod, ok stay with me, plunge it into your appropriately chilled beer like some diabetic blacksmith. You degas your beer, potentially ruin your glass, maybe introduce a litany of unintended flavors, not to mention look like a total dipshit to any onlookers. We can only pray that someone is already taking this multimillion dollar concept to shark tank to set the beer world back decades.

I love that it screws together and I imagine some plush hardcase like a husky pool shark wheezing his way over to a campfire. Maybe I’m just not up on caramel science, but this easily ranks among the dumbest of shit and second only to competitive LARPing, there’s no better way to disappoint your dad this Father’s Day.