Category Archives: IPA

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Bell’s Two Hearted IPA, It Takes a Lot of Heart to Make a Beer Like This, TWO HEARTS

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I have been waiting and waiting for this beer for the longest time. I just anticipated it would show up some day as an extra or somehow land on my doorstep and a year later, nothing. There was something about this beer that apparently people want to drink it and not ship it across the country for free, weird I know. This is the final beer on the top 100 popular beers, so that’s also a milestone for me too. Anyway, randomly RatedZ just packed up two and shipped them to me, FOR NO REASON. The beer community’s generosity is getting out of hand.

Total eclipse of two heart

Bottled on 1/31/12, DRANKEN ON 2/23/12, the freshmaker.

Bell’s Two Hearted IPA 7% abv

A: This is a beautiful beer and is certainly worth the hype in the old looks department, this dame is a looker. Not sure about the trout on the bottle, but the carbonation is NOT FISHY AT ALL.

S: Hoppy citrus notes that feel like a westcoast throwback, super grapefruity, it hits the switches and lets the 5th wheel fall, mild pine scraper bikes are all up in the cut and supported by a mild honey but not balls out like Hopslam. The whole thing is a wonderful hop ghetto and I feel right at home.

T: The taste is very muted and gentle and imparts a slight orange rind and chinook or simcoe sort of vibe to it. It tastes bright and cheerful like an amiable old barber that happens to smell like delicious Pine Sol. The whole experience is very mild and has that balance and coercion I have come to expect from Bell’s. The hops are integrated incredibly well and doesn’t assault the palate but instead goes for a classy Oscar de la Renta tux and a modest cumberbun.

M: The wash of this beer is incredibly foamy and light, it begs for sessionability. The coating is very crisp like tongue kissing a cold pinecone covered in apricot juice. Don’t front, you’ve done it. Anyway, a very solid IPA and ranks among the best, no question. It isn’t the most offensive or gauche, but its strength is in its amiability and gentle repose. A nice hop hammock to fritter the days away.

D: If you didn’t catch the clear notes above, this is likely the most drinkable IPA out there, Hill Farmstead notwithstanding. But I ride the HF jock like a 2 Live Crew video so let’s set them aside for now. This beer is a muted lupulin ninja that strikes and disappears in an herbal cloud. It’s a classy IPA that you can take to a play, give a smooch and not try and go all the way with. Also, this beer is not of age.

Narrative:

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Mikkeller 10 IPA, Oh wow, ten types of hops, hold on let me call the Prime Minister

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Oh wow, another one of those cute vintage reviews that you have to suffer through, back when I was all serious and hardline on beer content that no one gives a fuck about. Oh well, just suck it up, I am sure there will be some slams against community college students soon enough.

MIkkeller Ten, Ten Times as expensive as things you can just get from California.

Mikkeller 10, IPA, 6.9%

A: it appears traditional enough, orange hues with light amber hues, HUGE foamy head that is relentless and annoying like Jehovas witness followers. The head lingers like a watchtower pamphlet to your chagrin.

No amount of cute hedgehogs can make this beer worthwhile.

S: smell has a huge floral bouquet that raises itself like an avenging ghost for thousands of fallen hop friends, it reminds me of those angry flowers in Ursula’s cave in the Little Mermaid that are relentless and drag you back for more.

T: The taste is fairly predicatable, with some bittering notes and some herbal finish but nothing to really make it fall out of the rank and file of standard IPAs, with the exception of a nice maltiness that links up with a sort of herbal finish that makes it delicious, but inaccessible and cumbersome to enjoy at length due to cost prohibitions.

Would I like to pay for another overpriced Mikkeller beer? No. I always say no.

M: the mouthfeel is awesome with great balance for the single IPA style, very drinkable and a superbly balanced IPA for the new-comer, it is a college freshman dewey eyed and receptive to many tastes, with reciprocal affection in turn.

D: This beer is exceptionally drinkable, economically infeasible. There are cheaper alternatives that are better suited and better equipped. Go with those, leave this section alone unless you find a patch of it exceptionally cheap.

It's a mediocre IPA, get over it and drink something else. Space Gorilla has spoken.

Narrative: “wait wait, the MSRP on this car is only 20 grand, how did this final invoice total over FORTY THOUSAND?!” The auto dealer sighed and decided to err on the side of propriety “well, when you walked through the doors of Encino Hyundai, I knew that was a man who likes comfort and the finer things in life, so sure, I could have put you in a run of the mill Elantra and think nothing of it” “yes that is exactly what I was looking for” “BUT THEN i thought, no, you know what, what is a car without a suede roof, prada leather, 4 navis, and optional hydrogen cells” The car gleamed under 7 clear coats and was quite a sight to look at, but at the core of it, a mediocre compact sedan that has been polished to a strange refinement. The core experience is nothing to write home about, however, a certain panache has driven up the price inexplicably. “Listen I am not saying that the ostrich interior is too gaudy, it is, but I just cant afford this.” The car dealer looked remonstratively at the car and ruefully pointed to the fishtank in the truck. “Well….can I show you our new…Santa Fes?”

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Schlafly No. 20, Volume 4. Southern Hemisphere IPA or SN20V4SHIPA for Short.

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This is an anniversary IPA from those lunatics in the Lou, aka St. Louis in the M. O. This is maybe the second Schlafly beer that I have ever had and they have been creeping up and putting midwest numbers on my map. I have about 6 other Schlalfly beers in the cellar but hey, give my liver a break, haters.

Galaxy Hops and long acronyms. So dope.

SN20V4SHIPA – India Pale Ale, 7% abv

The name of this beer looks like a router code.

A: This beer looks fantastic just how an IPA should look, nice apple juice translucence and generous carbonation that whips up like lemon meringue and crackles away without prodigious ceremony. So far so good, and it is in a fancy 750ml bottle, so you know shit is about to get cracking.

when I first smelled this beer my face was all like this.

S: This beer “is kettle hopped and dry hopped with a unique hop from Tasmania, Galaxy.” If you haven’t tried this hop varietal yet, holy shit, it is second only to Citra as my favorite hop. It presents a nice herbal bouquet but a huge honeycomb and tangerine smell. If this beer was just smell and no palate, it would be a world class brew, the nose is seriously that good but I dont know how much of that should be credited to the galaxy hop.

T: Sadly the appearance and nose were the high note of this beer and the taste is not bad by any means but it went from two five stars to a 3.5 in the taste. It is still a great IPA but nothing like the A and S were getting me all half chub for. It would be like if Waka Flocka Flame jumped out the cut but then used Bahamen beats. You are stoked but then like ahhhh. Anyway, it has a mild honey and light juniper, some herbal aserose aspects, and then BOOM shit is over like the first Lord of the Rings movie and you’re all like “alright? I guess let’s just go back to my place.” She knew the popcorn had a false bottom.

After I tasted this beer, my hopes were dashed upon the rocks and I was all like-

M: No shocker here, the mouthfeel is crisp and light and imparts a frothy foam that washes away within 3 seconds and leave a mild pinecone flavor. I wish that Galaxy tasted as good as it smelled in this beer, and now the dead horse has been sufficiently beaten.

D: I have no idea what this costs but this is a fancy, damn good IPA. Assuming this is an $8.99 750ml, this could scrap with some bigger boys. I will list some single IPAs that this is far better than: Ranger, Torpedo, Golden Road, etc. It cannot touch the Sculpins, Blind Pigs, Hill Farmsteads of the world but it is still a great beer. HOW ELSE CAN I SAY THIS.

Regardless of the rampant comparisons, once you drink an entire 750ml of this, you president now.

Narrative: Jacob Michaelson woke up out of the coma in 2009. The world had changed so drastically since he was last conscious. Initially he sat up in his hospital bed and looked with strange deference to the thin laptop that looked nothing like the lap computers of 1995. He was equally dismayed to learn that not a single person ever listened to the Spin Doctors and his favorite group, SWV, was also the subject of derision. Jacob walked the streets looking for a payphone to use and was stymied to learn that even migrant workers had cell phones in this modern era. It was similar to a movie he once saw starring Brendan Fraser where he was a person who was from a separate time period and then had to adjust, wait, what was that movie? Blast from the Past? Encino Man? George of the Jungle? Dudley Do Right? No. CRASH. That was the movie Jacob was thinking of. It would take some time to stop relying on the screeching of modems but he quickly was apprized that people listened to those sounds recreationally and it was apparently called SKRILLEX.

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Maine Beer Company, Lunch India Pale Ale, Tapping the Maine Vein

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Happy Valentines’ Day. I bet you were expecting some chocolate beer, or a beer made from flowers, or the tears of a brackish spinster. Too bad, curveball from out of nowhere, WORLD CLASS IPA. No variations on a theme or significance, OR IS THERE? I don’t know Flaubert, let’s see what you are capable of, dig deeper, the hops lie below. Total eclipse of the hop.

Try to forget all those hateful stereotypes about people from Maine and keep an open mind.

Maine Beer Company, Lunch IPA, 7% abv

Bottled 1/24/12, consumed on 2/13/12, HOW IS THAT FOR FRESHNESS, HATERS?

A: The look of this beer isn’t offputting but I dont want to put a ring on it either. it has great soapy carbonation and head like the Put Em on the Glass video, sudsy and inviting. The color is a bit low on the SRM and you know I want that HIGHER. All in all, not the prettiest beer but, your palate would probably be down, stop fronting.

Sometimes you are in the mood for something dark and serious, but then you change your mind, this beer is...yeah...this is much better....

S: This is one floral and amazing smelling beer, it has notes of orange juice, apricot, pineapple, and sweet mango. There is almost no herb or that stupid offputting basil smell from high alpha acid hops, its just knocking the boots all night long all up in my nose holes.

T: It isn’t as juicy or as sweet as I was anticipating but wow it has a fantastic crossover taste that lies somewhere between orange rind and aserose pine needles. It is interesting because the first taste is very muted, you almost dont get anything in the sweet zones until you move it to the back of your palate and then it opens up like a jack in the box. Hop cone trojan horse. The resistance put up by my tastebuds lies somewhere between soft linen and balsa wood. I guess the question arises: Is it better than Blind Pig? It is more aggressive and muted in execution but in terms of sessionability, no.

This is an incredible IPA, srsly. SRSLY.

M: The mouthfeel is watery and clean, the soapy bubbles do all the work for you. The mild hop oils linger for a little bit but are swiftly swept up by dutiful conifer groundskeepers, I bet you just imagined the pine trees with moustaches you racist. I guess the next question is, is this as good as Sculpin? I wish I could be a hype machine and say yes due to rarity, however, this is one instance where I think pound for pound Sculpin is A BIGGER FISH. Simple puns, we are doing them now. This has a longer lingering taste but Sculpin has a great juiciness that I appreciate more. This is certainly more drinkable, however, I feel the juiciness of Sculpin carries the day. Don’t even bring Alpine into this mix, shit will go off the hinges chains and heezy real quickly.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and you dont need a lot of it, not due to ABV, but to to the simple palate to weight ratio. For such a gentle soul it just hit a resonant chord, A minor I believe, and just rides the pine and herbs out. The citrus minor has a mixolydian backseat role but this is still exceptional. It’s like making out with a really hot girl that has a permanent retainer, there’s aspects you would change, but it’s still enjoyable through and through.

There are certain things that the South is capable of, making incredible IPAs does not seem to fall within that suite of skills.

Narrative: Shel Vintius was not your average graveyard keeper. Well first and foremost, he called his plot an Herbortician Field. This was a rarely used, but niche service in contemporary society. You see, Shel was beat savagely with weeping willow switches as a child and developed an odd communion with the flora. The stinging bark was a panacea for his painful reality. “Oh yeah, just toss the saplings taproots bottom forward in the ebony case.” The affluent patrons sobbed demonstratively as Shel prepared the funeral for the plants. So much of love is predicated on cognition. So much of the human condition is invested in reciprocation and the semblance of a bilateral affection. Plants were not capable of this but Shel didn’t allow that to sway his opinion. He stroked the cold bark of the still living birch sapling and brushed his knuckles against the backs of the budding roots. He could still feel the beat of turgot pressure within the cell walls. “Gone too soon, hardly able to produce meiological pollen preparation, so chilling.” The family stood awkwardly watching this scene take place, the sign “Plant Recycling Plant Recycling Plant” was both misleading, and incredibly clear.

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Alpine Brewing Company, Pure Hoppiness, For When Hoppy Birthday isn’t enough, but Exponential Hoppiness is Too Much

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More plugs for Alpine brewing this week and another amazing DIPA that is frustratingly hard to find these days. Used to be you could walk into a Whole Foods, give Fabio a high five and pick up a couple bottles of this. Now people on the east coast have a thirst for unbalanced hops and OUR HOP ECONOMY IS IN SHAMBLES.

Double that IPA, get that PUR h0p1n3$$ shyt g0i1n

Alpine Brewing, Pure Hoppiness, 8% abv, double IPA

A: Nice deep gold tones, great cabonation, spider webbing from the lacing with no middle carbonation. Looks like discontent apple juice. Apples that be all pissed and frothy.

The purity of the hops will reincarnate your soul.

S: Huge bouquet from a mile away, great citrus but pine and forest predominates. I love that Alpine is almost always, well Alpine. The smell is a fantastic balance between the juiciness of most DIPAs and the herbal notes from malty Imperial IPAs. IF YOU’RE WONDERING WHEN TO START WANTING IT, NOW IS A GOOD TIME.

T: Awesome hybrid of initial notes, there’s a tinge of herbal mixed with citrus. The citrus ends up riding out the party and the drying forest finish is present in the swallow. All around a great melange of the two styles. It feels like if Pliny and Maharaja had a love child. This would be the result and unsurprisingly, it is delicious. But that would never happen, most historical pundits believe Pliny the Elders homose- alas I digress.

Get all carried away with that hop blast and you forget about the 8% abv and you be all lookin like dis.

M: The mouthfeel is light with creamy coating. Great carbonation boosts the hops into the nostrils creating a create hop profile. Great maltiness that is not overdone. It’s a hot tub of hop oils all up in my bubbling mouthhole and THE BOTTOMS ARE COMING OFF.

D: This beer is really high on this note. The expansive character spread hop stickiness like a virus and your mouth is the better for it. The abv is hidden well and you could drink this in plenty of circumstances from grooming your dog, spot welding, watching past episodes of Burn Notice. The choices are endless.

You know it is the middle child, but you respect it nonetheless, interesting and good at science or whatever middle children are good at, not the baby, not the one who gets pregnant first. I am ok with that.

Narrative: The year was 2145, but that seems like just yesterday, well since they harnessed the photon retractor, everything seems like the yesterday of tomorrow. Let me explain. Corporal William Herboreal had been working as the ships botanist on an experimental mission to Titan, one of the outer moons of, well that’s not important. Upon discovering a new strain of humulus lupus, an advanced strain of hops, the oil was potent enough to power the ship, too powerful even. We cascade through time and sheered the space barrier in a way that even Immanuel Kant couldn’t’ have predicted. THE HOPS WERE TOO INTEGRATED. He kept feeding hops to the engine, its juniper rancor filling the cabin. But now we have crossed the line, fallen through time, living in the land of the hops. Yes we are living in the land of the hops.

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Alpine Nelson, India Pale Ale, Your neck, your back, your hop cones and your

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Ah Alpine Brewing Company, the hop masters whose bottles are constantly in demand. I get trade requests for these elusive assholes all the time and I only live like 150 miles from where it is brewed.

Something delicious coming out of East San Diego that isn't crystal cut meth.

Alpine Nelson, IPA, 7% abv

A: Bright orange hues with mild cloudiness, Great foamy head that escapes pretty quickly leaving minimal lacing. This beer looks all radiant like radioactive orange juice.

Hoppy denial, not should occur.

S: There is a vibrant bouquet of oranges, grapefruits, apricots, and lemon zest. Very citrusy and smells like liquid sunshine all up in my dome piece.

This beer will turn your head, and keep your attention. But not in a weird way.

T: Sadly, it doesn’t retain all of the bright juicy notes that it promised. I don’t feel misled, just misinformed. There’s a bit of tartness and cirtusy dryness but overall it comes off like a slightly more acidic version of Alpine Ale. It is still good, but not as drinkable as Hoppy Birthday, and not quite as powerful as Pure Hoppiness, still a beautiful middle child with flaxen locks.

M: This has a great coating and breadiness to it that is very refreshing. The light citrus notes makes me almost want to go outside for a change, look at the sparrows and, no, there’s nothing for me out there. I will resign myself to staying inside and living vicariously through my IPAs. The mouthfeel is pretty legit though, nice biscuity coating with that lemon zest you just cant beat.

Smelled the hops and my face be all like-

D: This beer again shows Alpine’s poise and power in the drink ability field. You really cannot deny their ability to present beers that you can drink any place any time. In the lobby of a Planned Parenthood? Pop open some Nelson. Roll with it.

Narrative: Brayden pressed his face to the glass of his generic track home. He could see Final Fantasy XVII, just sitting there, imploring his input. His mind dizzied at the thought of his characters unleveled, cast in shoddy garb to remain in obscurity. Instead his mother put him outside in this hateful sun. The trees with their shade imparting goodness, natural pillars of breeze facilitation. “I HATE PLAYING OUTSIDEEEE!!!” he cried as he struck an aluminum baseball bat against the metal street sign. The elementary physics lesson was enough to put a pallor on the entire afternoon. Once the vibrating in Jayden’s hands stopped, he noticed something, a neighbor’s yard. But not just any yard, to be sure. His neighbor had a grapefruit tree in full yield with NO ONE TO ATTEND TO IT. “No. way.” he ruminated casuistically to himself. Of course, an 11 year-old boy has no interest in fresh citrus. He does however love destroying things, particularly fresh produce. The line of fruits across the thoroughfare was complete and impenetrable and the oncoming rush of a Nissan Maxima ensured results. Jayden wiped the acidic juice from his brow and nodded approvingly. +21 char, +3 Vitaility.

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Ballast Point Sculpin, Pineapple Fragmentary Hop Grenade

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Ok with all these weird ass beers, I need to hit my roots and add some staple beers to the old wheelhouse. You know ones you can actually go out and buy.N00b sh14.

Back when I started this blog, beer picture taking was in its infancy. Precious.

Ballast Point Sculpin IPA 7.0%

A: This pours with much pageantry, small bubbles, foam cascading like a 1930’s musical and not a single atonal note audible. It has a deep orange character that initially you expect a DIPA, then Sculpin gets all hood and shows you how single IPAs roll. You look deep into the swirling tiny bubbles and moderate lacing, you look back at the receipt reading $5.99; did you just discover the Marvin Gardens of beer? Yes; yes you just did. It has nice lacing and foam, at this price you can sling them against the wall and test all kinds of nonsense.

S: There’s a pronounce grapefruit and this beer, fresh, is the king of citrus notes. I cannot say enough good things about this beer when it is extremely fresh and it swings its deep drying citrus ague all over the place. Oh I am sorry, not a fan of drying deep juice and tart acidity? Well best move on, back to the east coast CAPTAIN BALANCE.

T: Speaking of Captain Balance, aside from the fact that, he’s our hero, gonna take IPAs down to zero; he is not present here. Here we have a beer that from the get go imparts a huge floral note, then cloisters back into juicy citrus notes and then- that’s it. You wait for more repeated blows to the head and chest but it subsides, like a cool tropical storm. Then you want more.

What this beer lacks in variety, it makes up for in intensity and relentlessly ignorant fans.

M: This rolls in like a low tide, nice maltiness at first that expands, releases its botanical droppings, then retreats. You aren’t left sitting around what happened, more likely you are considering how and when someone drank your 3 bombers of Sculpin. The next section of this coping phase is determining who left a pizza pocket in the microwave and determining where your pants are. We have all been there.

D: Oh, wait a second, let me hand a syllabus to captain obvious who showed up late. WHOSE CREDENTIALS I SERIOUSLY DOUBT. Well, captain obvious, this is a drinkable beer. The scary part is that this beer is like the Chinese military in that it is exceptionally capable and numerous beyond belief. This beer is everywhere and sought after universally. I don’t know what else to say about this beyond that it is the best SINGLE IPA, that I have ever had. Some may argue its ABV and OG and PLATOS place it in the DIPA range but, those people are all home brewers/virgins, so we will relegate them to iCarly and continue to review beers like adults do.

This beer is scary drinkable. MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN.

Narrative: The fish appeared slowly at first. They were reported within the streams of Michigan, then amongst the river beds within southern Kentucky. Soon all were pulling record “catches” and consuming huge game accordingly. What they did not know that the time was that the evolution of the punnet square had out evolved even gregor mendel himself. Put simply, this breed of fish had learned to feed on wild hop beds in the beds of nearly any algae, and offer itself up to sacrifice. The intense neurotoxins within the hypothalamus of the fish made the consumer feel as though they had done something exceptional. The fishing increased, as did the intense hop concentration. “I write to you now from a concentrated bunker in Utah, one of the only territories protected from hops, but, I smell the amazing grapefruit hops, maybe just a single bi-” AUDIO L0G DISC0nTINUED, ver 2.34t5

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Alpine Bad Boy, All Those Naughty Oily Hops All Foamy and NSFW

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Well, the top 100 beer rampage continues, because I am in the Christmas spirit and sharing good reviews is so much more fun than sharing reviews that are all halla sorry. This is not bottled and getting a growler of it is time consuming and not fun, drinking it is the exact opposite.

This Alpine has been a very very Bad Boy. Pay $3.99 a minute to listen to it get op-

Alpine Bad Boy, 9.5% abv, Double IPA

A: This has a radiant golden glow to it with a great clarity like majestic apple juice. The lacing looks like an abandoned haunted house and these a tons of webs all up in this piece. This be looking mad antiquated. The carbonation from the growler is solid and sticky throughout. This looks dangerous and somehow sessionable. First order of business, smooooothe flavorrr.

The hop cone, while related to marijuana, will not show up on urine tests. Rest assured.

S: The smell even on opening the growler is relentless. The hop presence detonates like pinecones galvanized all up in your dome piece. There is a grassy pineapple to it with some herbal grapefruit. I would deem this 60/40 herbal to fruit which is a solid balance. Hop Wallop needs to take some notes. This has more balance than a Chinese gymnast with an inner ear infection.

T: This is exactly what Alpine does so. Damn. Well. It just delivers a huge initial sweetness that fades into a freshly cut grassiness that makes you feel all elementary school for a second until, bam, honey sweetness that fades. This is like the more tactful version of Hopslam. A friend you can confide secrets in, a hoppy buddy you can take places and know he wont talk about when someone touched your no no. That kind of friend.

I want to be friends with this beer, but I am pretty sure it would ruin my shit if we hung out on a regular basis.

M: The mouthfeel is impossibly light. It is Pale Ale thin, imparts a huge herbal character that swirls a maple cape and fades into a loveable sweet note. It is David Blaine ass hop work. It leaves my mouth all astounded but wanting more. I suppose a growler is both an appropriate and inappropriate serving size, for obvious reasons. This will take a serious prestige amongst Ephraim and Citra. To be clear, this is far superior to Exponential Hoppiness in the way that Nightcrawler is superior to Colossus. It is just someone I would rather hang out with on a regular basis. This is nimble and bad ass, not some lumbering asshole who always asks you to save his sister from a tractor.

D: Holy jeez, this is the Live Oak of DIPA’s which is to say its drink ability is off the charts for the ABV and the complex character of the hop profile. I almost want to run my own tests to ascertain if this has any more than 4% abv but, the old liver test is sufficient. The fact that this is not in bottles has allegedly saved CalTrans millions in roadside clean ups. So there’s always that.

You make assumptions at first, but then it turns into a surprisingly refined experience.

Narrative: “Well? Did you find anything? All OF THE OPENINGS ARE SEALED!” Tarynn cried with the utmost agitation, Mark felt that a reference to that’s what she said would be inapropos in the case of a spelunking disaster. “WE ARE GOING TO DIE DOWN HERE!” Tarynn exclaimed while running her fingers through her thinning hair. She fell to her knees in desperation and clutched the halogen lantern desperately. “We can’t below the water table, so therefore, the sediment should push up some sustainable filtered water and, potentially some veget-” Mark tripped over a thick tuft of underground foliage. “What in the-” he discontinued his sentence in that staccato manner that characters in situation comedies do, despite not being interrupted. “HECK” he finished, but so much later that it didn’t seem canon with his previous sentence. “What is it Mark?” Tarynn called out. There was a fresh pool of water seeping through the floor but it was fully entwined by sticky, vinuous hop plants. The smell was overwhelming. “This-” he did it again, “is our only chance of survival.” The two nodded gravely and began to suck from the pools the sticky water and push raw hop flowers into their gullets. “If only we-” Mark declared before falling asleep. The geological team found them 8 days later, high out of their minds on raw hop flowers. Mark’s sentences have since been correc-

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The Alchemist Heady Topper Double IPA, Get Ready to Get Heady

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Alright, another top 100 ranked beer, well top 15 to be exact, and arguably the best Double IPA in existence (grumblegrumbleCitragrumbleEphraim)

Let’s get this show on the road.

Gettin some Heady, Get, gettin some Heady. Ba dum tish.

Heady Topper, Double IPA, The Alchemist, 8% abv

A: This beer has a hazy orange glow to it with great carbonation and a radiance that looks like when you cut a unicorn open. It has a huge sticky head to it that subsides gradually.

This beer recognizes how sick of a bro I am and doesn't bother me. It's like we friends.

S: This has a single smell with limited complexity, overwhelming grapefruit and acidity. This is probably the closest that a Double IPA has come to smelling like a gueuze. Very fruity and acerbic on the nose.

T: This is a one trick pony, but it is a pretty bad ass trick: it plants, harvests, and juices an entire acre of grapefruit trees in your mouth, in a single drink. This isn’t an herbal or hop overload, it is just orange juice and grape fruit puree. It tastes like fruit juice more than Citra does. This beer is better cold for this very reason. This is a world class beer and it is incredibly distinctive. The juiciness doesn’t impart any bitterness that lingers.

This beer is just incredibly refreshing, like watching a baby hippo get all upset. Ahhhh.

M: The mouthfeel isn’t too overwhelming, but just malty enough to carry the huge flavor of this beer. It washes away with a crisp finish. This is a serious contender against Citra and Ephraim.

D: This has an incredible drink ability that is perfect from the can. I wonder how the hops hold up over time but this beer has a lot to offer and can likely stand the test of time. Once again, all of the beers that you want to pour into a spoon and boil in an addictive spree, are not available in California. All of the incredibly drinkable beers remain just out of reach.

I guess I could search for another, better, double IPA, but, I fold.

Narrative: It wasn’t an easy life for Paradisi Juicio, living in Barbados and all. For years and years, he was overlooked, mistaken for his cousin Pampelo Tangelini, and over shadowed by the ever-popular Shaddock boys, with their rough handsome demeanors. “WELL MAYBE IF YOU JUST LISTENED TO ME I WOULDN’T HAVE TO YELL AT YOU ALL THE TIME!!!” Paradisi boomed, wiping sticky acerbic sweat from his brow. “THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID. TELL ME WHAT I SAID!” he boomed, his face turning into a bitter grimace. It felt as though, his friends had been picked off one by one recently, ground into the earth, so to speak. People just didn’t care for his kind like they used to. The ruby red complexion of his wife, Grappa Juicio, became sullen, “I just don’t think that we can go on like this, what with the low carb diets and, people replacing us left and right, I just don’t know where we fit into this crazy mixed up world.” As she finished her sentence, the double doors swung open and the oppressive land lord came striding in. “Mr. Galaxy, I didn’t know you were-” “Oh sure, didn’t figure I would come this soon, oust your and your outdated fruit kind? Listen up you degenerate citrites, the hops run this town now, ain’t no body interested in some bitter old juice anymore. Not when me and my hop boys got something to say about it!” Grappa weeped acidic bitter tears and dreamed for the days when someone would enjoy her for her sweet disposition and not some false citrus experience.

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Minnesota Town Hall Masala Mama IPA, Mama Beats Me With Hops.

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Masala Mama was an abusive mother. Also, she lived in a shoe.

Masala Mama, Minnesota Town Hall, IPA, 5.9%

A: This has a great amber to dark yellow character to it, almost making it appear like a pale ale at first. There is great carbonation despite a 5 day old growler. The lacing is relentless and obfuscates the rim of the glass.

I know this is on draft only, let's all calm down. I have this under control.

S: There are nice honey notes and a pleasant grassiness to it. It has a noteworthy, welcoming malty body to it for a beer this low in ABV. Overall, very inviting and floral.

T: There is some light sweetness at the outset with nice use of caramel notes that subsides into mild drying and slight orange peel finish. The taste comes and goes incredibly quickly and you hardly have time to contemplate it before it is gone. There is a slight juniper taste that finishes with an awesome crispness. It offers huge hops and low abv that assaults your conscience after you finish 64oz to yourself, AND IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. Come on now.

I would like to try and joke about this amazing beer, but I can't just grin and beer it.

M: The carbonation on this is great and makes up for the strange maltiness of the beer. It certainly puts on airs and presents itself as a big boy when deep down it has ABV envy. Nice sweetness that lingers for just a bit and then demands to be tasted again.

D: Just incredibly drinkable from start to finish. This isn’t quite on the Live Oak level, but it still is a stunner in many aspects. You could give this beer to anyone and the hops are happily married to the caramel stickiness, so even diabetic PJ, the kid with the lazy eye, even he would enjoy this beer. I wish that this beer wasn’t so far away. I feel like a prison convict longing for it and another sweet conjugal visit, in my mouth. Wait, that didn’t sound-

Some pundits argue that this beer isn't worth the hype, to them, please see the above ironclad argument.

Narrative: “And according to the most recent census, you have…7 children…is that correct?” “Mmm yais.” the mucky little creatures ran to and fro within the 2 bedroom apartment. The ashtrays were in abundance and overflowing, pets seemed to maintain tenancy in common with the owners, and maintained the home with equal diligence. “And you…you don’t have any of them go to school?” “Eh…no….nooo….” Mother Masalita looked left and right longing for some sort of respite from the relentless questioning of the children services officer. “Wait now, what’s this here?” he pushed a panel on a dilapidated bookcase which revealed a room of radiant light and floral aromas. “Ohh, an indoor cannabis crop?” “eh no…es a secret room…secret.” he entered the tiny room and ducked covering his eyes to the shimmering light. The entire antechamber smelled of bluebell and fresh pastries, there were baking goods and an incredible garden. What appeared to be a negligent household defied all expectations. It was a complex front for a completely calming, loving place that embraced entrants like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer. “Well…that…that will be all I guess,” he clicked his pen and picked a rhododendron from one of the pots on his way out. Mama Masalita was one hell of an indoor botanist.