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Odell Myrcenary Double IPA, Some say hops aren’t for wintertime, well they can hop their asses on out of here.

This was one of those famed Double IPAs from Colorado that I always wanted to try but never wanted to set out to trade just for this beer. I waited and waited and it never appeared as an extra, UNTIL NOW. The stars aligned and a generous trader hooked me up with this old chestnut. THE RESULTS MAY HOP YOU.

I am not sure what this mycenary would accomplish aside from getting other soldiers really drunk. COVERT HOPS SHIT.

Odell Myrcenary Double IPA, 9.3% abv

A: The appearance is a bit strange for a double ipa and gives nice deep honey dark yellow glow. The brass and bronze let me know that this a regal affair and that tails are called for accordingly. The wispy head fogs up my monocle, but I ain’t even mad tho.

Good day Rocky Mountain residents, I do believe I may have shat myself near Breckingridge, have ye any hops?

S: The nose is amazing, sweet honey, lemongrass, biscuit malt, corn bread, and light pineapple. You get a slightly cinnamon finish which is relevant to my interests. I am adding this beer to my Friendster account.

T: The taste doesn’t blow me away like the nose but it is still very good. It is almost approaching that old American Barleywine standby in the respect that is had a huge malty base with a gentle sweetness like baked goods, but then hammers home some pine like a Bolivian housekeeper. THIS BEER DOESN’T DO WINDOWS.

The finish to this beer makes it seem like there was something missing, something amazing that could have been.

M: It is light enough to keep things interesting and doesn’t slow down for the credits, this short film just rocks your tastebud genitals all night long. The drying and herbal finish gives it a distinct lip smacking quality that is like Pina Colada chapstick that the officers will find on your person and that’s when the cuffs will feel too tight.

D: This is like a three strike combo that sets you up perfectly and then Urkels its so hard and messed up the finisher. You get the sweetness, nice hop bite and then, FUCKING GRASS TIME. Not like intercourse with grass, like tastes like gr- you know what, nevermind. I want this to be more drinkable but every swallow finishes with that bitterness, if you think I am going to pander with an oral sex joke here, you are only partly correct. The abv is masked quite well and I could see this beer making it outside, plays well with others, could get the uninformed pretty lit. It’s like the Bud light Platinum for the craft community I guess. WHICH ISN’T THAT BAD AT ALL.

This reminds me of other enjoyable things, but is good in its own right.

Narrative: Margaret and Ross Ignacio were concerned about their Nana’s new caretaker. Every time that they would visit her there would be a fragrant new citrus tree or hibiscus blossom in the front yard, it was beautiful, yet something was irksome. Nana was using technology and there were sure signs that Manuel was the one goading these pleasures. “Follow me on the twatter, I can retwat you” she would say obliviously. One day Manuel spied inspectingly through the stained glass window. “Nana, you never wanted to go on Adultfriendfinder.com before, what, how did you even hear about this?” Nana sipped her chamomile tea reflectively and began a tediously long story about war bonds. “Ok you know what, I dont want Manuel showing you the computer anymore” Nana sighed “oh well you should get on Myface, er put your space in my space.” Nana worked the computerbox assiduously and Manuel watched knowingly, the silent Hispanic mercenary that got old Nana into twisted internet porn.

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Alpine Brewing Company, Pure Hoppiness, For When Hoppy Birthday isn’t enough, but Exponential Hoppiness is Too Much

More plugs for Alpine brewing this week and another amazing DIPA that is frustratingly hard to find these days. Used to be you could walk into a Whole Foods, give Fabio a high five and pick up a couple bottles of this. Now people on the east coast have a thirst for unbalanced hops and OUR HOP ECONOMY IS IN SHAMBLES.

Double that IPA, get that PUR h0p1n3$$ shyt g0i1n

Alpine Brewing, Pure Hoppiness, 8% abv, double IPA

A: Nice deep gold tones, great cabonation, spider webbing from the lacing with no middle carbonation. Looks like discontent apple juice. Apples that be all pissed and frothy.

The purity of the hops will reincarnate your soul.

S: Huge bouquet from a mile away, great citrus but pine and forest predominates. I love that Alpine is almost always, well Alpine. The smell is a fantastic balance between the juiciness of most DIPAs and the herbal notes from malty Imperial IPAs. IF YOU’RE WONDERING WHEN TO START WANTING IT, NOW IS A GOOD TIME.

T: Awesome hybrid of initial notes, there’s a tinge of herbal mixed with citrus. The citrus ends up riding out the party and the drying forest finish is present in the swallow. All around a great melange of the two styles. It feels like if Pliny and Maharaja had a love child. This would be the result and unsurprisingly, it is delicious. But that would never happen, most historical pundits believe Pliny the Elders homose- alas I digress.

Get all carried away with that hop blast and you forget about the 8% abv and you be all lookin like dis.

M: The mouthfeel is light with creamy coating. Great carbonation boosts the hops into the nostrils creating a create hop profile. Great maltiness that is not overdone. It’s a hot tub of hop oils all up in my bubbling mouthhole and THE BOTTOMS ARE COMING OFF.

D: This beer is really high on this note. The expansive character spread hop stickiness like a virus and your mouth is the better for it. The abv is hidden well and you could drink this in plenty of circumstances from grooming your dog, spot welding, watching past episodes of Burn Notice. The choices are endless.

You know it is the middle child, but you respect it nonetheless, interesting and good at science or whatever middle children are good at, not the baby, not the one who gets pregnant first. I am ok with that.

Narrative: The year was 2145, but that seems like just yesterday, well since they harnessed the photon retractor, everything seems like the yesterday of tomorrow. Let me explain. Corporal William Herboreal had been working as the ships botanist on an experimental mission to Titan, one of the outer moons of, well that’s not important. Upon discovering a new strain of humulus lupus, an advanced strain of hops, the oil was potent enough to power the ship, too powerful even. We cascade through time and sheered the space barrier in a way that even Immanuel Kant couldn’t’ have predicted. THE HOPS WERE TOO INTEGRATED. He kept feeding hops to the engine, its juniper rancor filling the cabin. But now we have crossed the line, fallen through time, living in the land of the hops. Yes we are living in the land of the hops.

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Three Floyd’s Dreadnaught, Double IPA, Maybe She Wont, but then Again Maybe She Wiiiiilllllllll-

She dreads me. She Dreadsmenaught. But then again maybe she wiiiillll....

Dreadnaught IPA, Three Floyds, 9.5% abv

A: It has a bright cloudy tangerine and orange haziness to it, lots of foam with huge carbonation. The lacing is thin but the whole presentation is great. It is a top 100 gem and I want to to be not as good as it is, but damnit, it’s another non-California DIPA that just owns.

Three Floyd's. I li....I liii-....ILIKEYOUALUT.

S: It reeks of huge grapefruit and tangelo notes, some mild orange rind dryness, and almost zero herbal aspects to it. I have given this to sceptical west coast friends and after their facial reconstructions from hop assault, they were into it. Albeit horribly scarred.

T: The taste almost directly mirrors the smell, which is surprisingly rare in IPAs this big and complex. It has that great juiciness of Sculpin, orange notes, a strange tartness similar to grapefruit or unripe tangerines. This is incredibly refreshing and the abv sneaks in like a Trojan horse. THAT’S NOT THE ONLY TROJAN THAT SNEAKS IN IN THE MIDWES- just kidding they don’t use birth control, you’ve seen their kids right? Ok cool.

You think its just gonna be a standard balanced IPA affair, then it rolls all hard on your bitchass.

M: The mouthfeel is a bit bigger than the standard DIPA but it doesn’t toe into that disappointing maharaja range with excessive coating and chewing. This beer has an exceptional balance, but then beats your ass with hop cones. A strange note that needs commenting upon is how good the bubbles feel. They somehow hit an exceptional attenuation/carbonation level. Three Floyds consistently delivers exceptional products and this one delivers. Not trying to sound all tough, FINE I LIKE THE BUBBLES OK.

D: This is clearly exceptionally drinkable but the lack of availability, price point, and high-ish abv seems to draw away from the universal applicability of this beer. It is a world class but it as far as the epic DIPA class goes it is certainly not best in show. Overall, a great beer and the Midwest has a viable answer to the west coast giants.

Another DIPA that doesn't make distribution to California, what a tease.

Narratives: Shire Grassmuggins was not an exceptional piece of feudalism. It got exceptional amounts of rain and had incredible turnip yields, given the time and labor constrictions. Serfdom never exactly produced the most diligent workers, but, as far as 13th century economies went, Grassmuggins was a solid performer in a bull market. The workers were diligent and took religious holidays often, but the field was almost conscious of its need for crop rotation. The crude tools yielded amazing produce but the soil called out for minor improvements. The wind through the reeds seemed to scream to the peasants for basic nitrates through fertilization. Alas, this shire must let its latent glory remain unknown to other regio

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New England Brewing Company Gandhi-bot Double IPA, Civilly Disobediently Disliking this DIPA.

This gives complications to stoicism and fasting. I HOPE THE DOCILE TERMINATORS WIN.

This is a beer that gets a lot of hype from east coast kids. They savor the opportunity to hang their hat on a double IPA. Here we go-

New England Brewing Company Gandhi-Bot Double IPA 8.8% abv

A: It has a radiantly golden hue with a ridiculous amount of carbonation and thick white foam. It has crazy amount of lacing like soap scum, but in a cool ass way. It’s pretty sticky and glaring at the same time. It reminds me of a 14k pliny the elder, pliny the middleaged.

The feel of this beer is refreshing and familiar, completely unlike God's punchline pictured above.

S: Again, this is suspiciously Pliny in execution. The entire nose is that precariously pine and orange zest. I feel like I have seen this movie before like when I saw No Strings Attached and, that other movie, what is it, Birth of a Nation, back to back.

T: This is definitely the Honda to Pliny’s Acura. It has that same feel, with less maltiness. It has those same orange and grapefruit hops, but just ratcheted back. Everything is just muted a little bit, more water, more pine, it feels like they took this in a Lysol direction. It is still an exceptional offering but you almost have to be an asshole in a category this contested. For those of you keeping track, the top 5 DIPAs that you absolutely must try are: Ephraim, Citra, Heady Topper, Pliny, and Abner. This is not within those ranks. It is still good, but a good ipa a great ipa does not make.

I would like to speak to the original brewer of this recipe. That's what I thought.

M: this has some crystal and 2 row, simple hat tricks for the genre but lacks that punch and radical wow factor. It lays a little low in the mouthfeel and kinda opts for a gentle coating and simple hop profile that is still exemplary but feels like the Monkees to the Beat-ok ok ok ok enough sappy metaphors.

D: This is awesomely drinkable and outshines Pliny in this regard. It has a thinner profile and I want to hang out with it more. It seems like it listens to my stories more intently without butting in. Ultimately, I dislike this beer for the same reason that I don’t respect Chrysler. You can make your own shit, dont jock another brand. Katt Williams said it best “Yeah you think it looks like a Phantom, until a real Phantom pulls up.” And when I pull up Ephraim to this DIPA, the game just changes.

This beer kills normal Double IPAs but remains untested in the main tournament.

Narrative:

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Heretic, The Alchemist, Double IPA, More Offensive than Dr. Pepper 10 Commercials

Heretic The Alchemy needs to Convery this to Hop Gold

Heretics, Converting Double IPAs to Bitter Barleywines, without a Eucharist.

Heretic, Double IPA, 9.99% ABV, The Alchemist

Ok so, I will make this a nice concise little freeform endeavor because this doesn’t warrant some Birth of a Nation pre-amble.

This beer is disappointing, as a DIPA, as a Barleywine. Just all in all it comes out the bottle all piney and grassy, not giving a shit. Honey badger in a bottle.

It is even more sadder(er) because of the story behind it. This was one of 700 bottles saved from the flood that destroyed the Alchemist brewery when that asshole Irene hurricane gave all the Vermont vegans an unnecessary bath. I was expecting that Heady Topper gold. This is some pinecone pyrite. It’s all malty and pissed off. Furthermore, it is rare, so rarity always boosts the taste right? Not this time. This tastes eerily like Hoptimum from Sierra Nevada or one of those super stemmy IPAs.

No stems no seeds no sticks.

After I tried it my face was all like this:

nooooo

Bad Hops are Bad

So sure, I had some regrets, I was not unlike Kanye’s illustrious girl, oh wait, what should I have ordered?

fish fillet. not McHopswich.

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Hill Farmstead, Ephraim, Double IPA, Granpa is Getting Touchy Feely

The Best Imperial IPA, Ever. Ever. This is Mall Madness Good.

Hill Farmstead Ephraim, 10.5% abv, Imperial IPA

A: This beer exudes an amazing golden profile straight out of the bottle. I don’t want to reach for an Alad- ok it feels like a hop genie. The pour reveals a petulant ghost that traveled 3000 miles to meet my mouth and isn’t too disturbed by the prospect. Nice lacing, the glass looks as baroque as the day will allow with marshmellow foam everywhere. The rim feels like a late 90s rave/foam party. You know the drill.

S: This must feel what old Sutter felt like when he discovered gold at his mill, except replace gold with amazing hop assault to my dome piece. It initially hissed when I opened the growler and a hop cloud literally escaped like Patrick Swayze and nestled an herbal dissonance on my couch. Ok, not literally. But it smelled a lot like husking limes, apricots, tangerines, and lemons: WHICH I DO OFTEN.

T: Things get real in the field once it touches your lips. This beer is fantastic and, wait for it, is likely the best DIPA that I have ever had. I know this betrays my Pliny roots and the west coast in general but it just cannot be denied or overstated. The hops start out in a sweet/tart note then the deceptacons gather and a huge herbal robot assembles all up in my grill. HE BEGS FOR AMISTAD. The herbal wafts expand like I am all into home growing except my mouth is the botanical garden, and there is only consumption.

M: This beer has an amazing character that I would liken to a Subaru STI, an incredible speed and efficiency to it that just whips me about effortlessly, takes my money, and leaves me wanting more. The coating is minimal but perfectly balanced for the style. It somehow doesn’t fall into the old trap of east coast IPAs where there foolishly seek balance. This is just crazy from beginning to end.

D: I can’t even seriously address this section without hyperbole. Live Oak Hef and this beer need to go head to head for the most ridiculously drinkable beer ever made. I will judge Live Oak Hef the winner but only for its galleon speed and not the man-o-war impressive notes that this beer imparts. In sum, this beer is incredible and the growler barely made its way to the Stone Sour Fest where it was met with mild nods of approval and summarily dispatched. For a beer so apparently lackluster, its 64oz were torn limb from limb. My handkerchief remained damp throughout the proceedings.

Narrative: “If you know not for the elusive Ephramus, it is because he is of the forest, never to be held.” The camp counselor told the youth, staring into their entranced faces. “Many years ago, I was visited, if only for fleeting moments, down by the lake, by Ephramus.” One child whose front two teeth were clearly missing whistled annoying “geesy, tells us more counshelors Morrish!” Counselor Morris lowered his brow severely, “if you ever see the Ephramus ghost, you must flee immediately, for it will consume your heart and spirit as easily as I consume this Fruit by the Foot.” Demonstratively, he consumed 3 feet of fruit roll up, much to the dismay of the children. Suddenly, Ephramus approached the campfire and moaned waning, “Ooooohhh Morrisssss you could have invoked me more ofteeeennnn but you refused to payyy Fed Exxxxxxx” Counselor Morris fell to his knees with careless abandon, sobbing. He knew that he gave up his love for his bitter distrust of shipping systems. Ephramus never crossed the streams.

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3 Floyd’s Arctic Panzer Wolf, Imperial IPA, 9% abv

Arctic Panzer, OH OLD LABEL STATUS.

Arctic Panzer Wolf, Three Floyds, imperial IPA 9% abv

A: Very transparent thin yellow almost lager color, good carbonation and lots of sticky lacing. Middle carbonation throughout. There’s no cool way to say this, but, it is a very…pretty…beer…like it looks hella tight with the golden hue and sick bubbles, yeah.

S: holy citrus bomb, you get a huge bouquet of pineapple, apricot, and a bit of a melon smell from the hops. Remiscient of a brighter pliny with more citrus and no herbal aspects

T: Strangely the huge citrus notes arent as present on the palate but that doesn’t mean that this is a flawed beer, just got the old hopes up a bit too high with the amazing smell. It has a fast clean finish with no linger hop dryness, just a sweet juicy hop profile that is incredibly smoothe. If this is an imperial IPA, you would never know it. No alcoholic heat and it drinks like a single IPA.

M: Great frothiness, nice middle ground of coating and bubbly crispness. It has this “just out of the shower IPA” sort of feel to it that is hard to find in beers this big. It is a good thing that this isn’t readily available on the west coast because I could see beach disasters with a beer this refreshing maintaining its stealthy abv.

D: This is gonna get a solid 5/5 on this aspect. The drinakbility is scary, a bomber of this evaporates incredibly quickly. I would be interested to try this on tap to see if it is consistently this drinkable. Notwithstanding, one bomber will not be enough, 2 may be too few as well. Go to Indiana and stock up I guess because you will burn through quantities of this beer incredibly quickly.

Narrative: The hop strain was too powerful and OPEC knew it. Their days of limitless control were over once the hop oil shieks took control. “And the rancid odor SHALL FILL THE STREETS OF THE PACIFIC NORTH WEST!” the new dictators boomed emphatically from their Oregon and Canadian mounts. After the hop profiles were discovered, nothing else was left aside from destitute desert life. At least, no one had to live in Indiana any more. The masses sigh a huge breath of relief and brows were wiped universally. “AND TODAY, THIS CAR MAY RUN ON HOP OIL, BUT NOT A SINGLE DROP OF BLOOD WAS SPILLED LIVING IN THE TURBULENT MIDWEST.” The crowd cheered triumphantly, knowing what a huge obstacle they had overcome.