Monthly Archives: March 2015

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Willett XCF, for when you want to pay 50% more for a bourbon that is 10% worse

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It is a fantastic problem that, as a result of dipshits raiding all of the BTAC and buffalo trade perpy vern wernkler offerings, many incredible offerings turd it up on the shelf now. Willett 9 year rye for $90, just posted in the cut, not turning any heads. This is the opposite of that issue. In the attempts to get everyone jazzed up with secondary Casking, the ever increasing high priced retail offerings, and angels envy cask flying off the shelves in defiance of the price tag, this offering was born.

This is a $150 bottle of Willett aged in grand marnier casks and, while it is far better than angels envy cask, like AEC, you are better off saving that sperm bank scrill. 

It looks darker than the age would indicate, nice caramel and amber hues, that odd additional darkness that was present in the Corti Bros offering. I braced myself for that angels envy cask wave of disgusting tannins, but this nose is more sweet, slightly vinous, cinnamon, nutmeg, and of course that flambé Carmelized Orange. It smells nice but kinda all over the place, like how midsummer nights dram wanted to be a Kriek and a spirit at the same time. That kinda shit

The taste has a degree of heat to it and a sticky sweetness exhibiting red grape and raspberry, but seems to neglect the orange aspects in my opinion. It burns off that parlor trick and gets back to its Willett roots, dry, spicy, and a floral hibiscus closer.

It isn’t bad by any means and there’s not exactly a ton of readily available cheaper offerings out there but, if you are going this route and aren’t wed to the cask strength, just buy Angels envy rye or even regular ass AE for half the price.

It should be clear at this point that I have no business reviewing whiskey and I will try to keep these misguided ass posts to a minimum. Just some engagement shit to drive push bourbon Scrooges into this den of iniquity.

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HOW TO DETERMINE IF YOU ARE #NEWMONEY, a clinical diagnosis

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You might be new money if you set up pretrades for bottles then back out to get harder to obtain bottles that you saw on the BA top 250

You might be new money if you started trading constantly focusing on secondary values

You might be new money if you have never participated in a BIF because you dont want to get “RIPPED OFF”

You might be new money if you have tried to excise every last possible + from the bottle you bought off the shelf

You might be new money if you used tired adages like “BRUERY IS BEETUS” or “FANTOME IS BANDAIDS”

You might be new money if you intervene on every potential trade to hype up the bottles you bought to attempt to trade upwards

You might be new money if Cherry Rye seems like a mysterious unobtanable whale and you will fuck over anyone to obtain it and show off to your homebrew club

You might be new money if you have no idea who Charlie Papazian or Michael Jackson are

You might be new money if you take pics of bottles at your bottleshare with a passive aggressive humblebrag as the caption

You might be new money if you have ever said “TRADE WAS FOR [clearly not rare bottle] and he threw in [clearly more rare bottle] AS AN EXTRA!”

You might be new money if you think saisons should have the same ph as beatification

You might be new money if you haven’t been around long enough to see beatification released

You might be new money if you prefer your stouts to have at least 3+ adjuncts so that you can identify the flavors

You might be new money if you love ORVW and have no idea what Weller 12 or Michter’s 10 is.

You might be new money if you think a biere de garde is a sour

You might be new money if you stand in line for beer releases and casually mention things you might be trading the beer for

You might be new money if you have an account in good standing on BA

You might be new money if you mention brewers by their first name in conversations in an overly friendly manner

You might be new money if you post ISOs with no idea what you want but you know that what you have FT is super rare

You might be new money if you post ISOs for coffee stouts that are over 2 years old, just to say you have had them

You might be new money if you post chug videos or dipshit beer pong photos with sought after beers

You might be new money if you have used the term PORCH BOMB nonironically

You might be new money if you think a table beer should cost $20, and should be super sour

You might be new money if you enter Upland lotteries without a proxy and attempt to trade away the bottles before you have even won them

You might be new money if you have ever attempted to trade a quantity of HD/BCBS/Zombie dust for a Cantillon one off

You might be new money if you constantly complain about Fedex bills and refuse to print at home

You might be new money if you have taken a 3L bottle and acted like you were chugging it or held it near your penis suggestively

You might be new money if you have a 1oz pour in a dirty glass and enter a pithy untappd review

You might be new money if you think that a 40,000 bottle count item you bought at Walgreens should trade for Falling Rock

You might be new money if you just googled Falling Rock

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@santeadairius Always in Death, 25th fret shredding, black farmhouse death stainless fermentation

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Well as 2014 creaked to a close, the final bottle from the SARA Cellar program was the caress of death. This was the swan song and a single bottle was issued to 2014 members before all these 2015 SARA cellar gentrifiers come in pushing up property values, ruining the rich cultural heritage of the invite only society, driving out the original residents. Let’s see how this tart DARK farmhouse performs, whether you can slam this at a Bauhaus concert or if you should save it for the next Joy Division show.

Time to play that cliche game LIST SOMETHING IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE BEER PHOTO. always funny ervy tiem.

Time to play that cliche game LIST SOMETHING IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE BEER PHOTO. always funny ervy tiem.

Capitulation, Santa Cruz, CA
Black Barrel aged Saison, 5.6% abv

That commercial rubdown:
Everything ends. This simple fact reminds us to make the most of the things, to breath deeply, to chase inspiration, to live and love with abandon. With this in mind, we offer you the final installment of SARA’s Cellar 2014. Always in Death. A tart, barrel-aged, dark farmhouse ale, this single barrel selection stood out from the rest, and is now yours to memorialize in solitude or with friends. Everything ends, always, in death.

Put on The Spill Canvas, pour a glass of Grenache and sink into deep contemplation with your Sartre tome, WE ARE DISCUSSING DEATH.

A: Well true to form, this is a dark dark farmhouse that leaves you looking circumspectly at the jet black inky depths, that foam challenging you to a slap boxing fight in the old barn. I usually don’t enjoy this style or really any sours predicated entiretly on a porter base, but this is admittedly a pretty beer due to the bone dry lack of sheeting or residual sugars. This is like Natalie Portman in Black Swan, you come for the white swan, you stay to see her get stabbed.

Pictured above: target dark saison demographic. Look for them at the next bottleshare.

Pictured above: target dark saison demographic. Look for them at the next bottleshare.

S: The nose on this is phenomenal and reminds me of a baller version of Tart of Darkness, with a turbo charger and cat back exhaust. You get merlot and currant, tart cherry, craisins, oak and light cocoa. The closer is a sort of red wine Dr. Pepper aspect that again, feels agile and doesn’t leave its dark husks and tannins laying all around the living room its like HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS.

T: The taste sheds the Tart of Darkness robe and the ebony form glistens beautifully across the palate. You get the malbec and blackberry, tartness, a faint cheesiness, and a lingering intensely dry closer. I can confidently add this to a list of two other dark farmhouses REALLY worthy of your attention, next to Civil Disobedience 4 and Guillermo Prunus. Yes CD8, Shadows of their Eyes, and Edith are intentionally left off of that list. Dark saisons usually dont do it for me, but this exhibits the red grape and hay profile in such an elegant way, its worth your attention even though you might not give a shit about the style.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME, i like my farmhouses DARK and DEEP, i have substance and depth, I OWN A COPY OF HARLAN ELLISON SHORT STORIES

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME, i like my farmhouses DARK and DEEP, i have substance and depth, I OWN A COPY OF HARLAN ELLISON SHORT STORIES

M: This is dry and presents a bouquet of tart floral goodness, its this odd melange of dry bakers chocolate a flanders red and a straight up saison. At warmer temps it feels a bit acetic but never enters a realm that someone would really complain about, I am just that prick who watches Whiplash and complains that the syncopation isnt timed with the frames of the drums. Nitpicking garbage because shit, otherwise why even read this.

D: This is this and you can easily crush the entire 750 without getting dry rot. It never becomes cloying or warrants splitting a million ways. Thankfully this doesn’t have any stonefruit in it, so dipshits on the trade boards will continue punching one another in the dick over the same tired lacto blonde ales and leave this well alone.

This saison tastes like when the wolf cries to the black corn moon. You probably wont get it if you havent painted with the colors of the black wind.

This saison tastes like when the wolf cries to the black corn moon. You probably wont get it if you havent painted with the colors of the black wind.

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Thiriez Amber, they be thirieZ ass ratchets out there

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So allaboutbeer magazine told me last month that this is the most influential brewery that no one knows about. No one.  It even multinational distributor Shelton brothers or the many many states they distribute this hoppy biere de Garde OH SHIT SORRY AMBER FARMHOUSE🏪🏩🏨🏬🏢🏦🏢.

Anyway, this wouldn’t be my go to for biere de gardes, it’s no sans cullottes, it isn’t my hoppy farmhouse choice either as long as de Ranke XX is around. It isn’t really heavily influential on the American saison scene as they are obsessed with lactic ultra acidic ph3 Saisons, I don’t understand why that article changed my life so hard.

This beer is tasty, intensely clean, amazing carb, caramel and walnut merged with creamy almond skins and a honey finish. It’s tasty but serving an odd, unread ground that perhaps isn’t for everyone. I can’t say I need these laid down in copious number, ever so often I may want a hoppy amber farmhouse, then I will go to my gynecologist.



Turnt the fuck up and ready for st paddys





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@newenglandbrew Fuzzy Baby Ducks, Fugly Bubbling Dougs, Funky Buzzing Dunks, Fumbly Bonky Dorks

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Man this single IPA has been ruining my life for upwards of three years. I remember this popped hot on the scene with twin desert eagles drawn back in 2012 just popping .50 shells into the trade boards, fucking with trade values like JadaKiss and D block. So after 2 and a half years I finally landed a growler of this elusive draft only quacker. Let’s see if other breweries have caught up with this world class peep in the intervening years.

DDB the realest ticker in it you already know, got sipper of the year 4 years in a row.

DDB the realest ticker in it you already know, got sipper of the year 4 years in a row.

New England Brewing Company
Single IPA, not doubles, no trips, 6.2% abv

A: This might have been revolutionary back when people were getting their BJ’s certified in 2012 and having a turbid IPA would DQ you like a blizzard. These days this is pretty legit and tame by modern standards since tired hands and Horny Trooplers make some of the slurriest yeasties this side of the game. It has substantial carb and it is quick to put two nines on your back like Wayne Gretzky.

tickers recognize and say DDB the truth and the IPA same color Donald Duck orange juice

tickers recognize and say DDB the truth and the IPA same color Donald Duck orange juice

S: This is an explosion of tropical scents, Donald Duck orange juice, tangerine rind, dry lingering citra aspects like a more ballerer Zombie Dust that doesn’t fade days after packaging. Really impressive and reminds me of a less Nelsony Pupil/Nelson. YAMEEN.

T: This follows the citrus profile in a substantial way, oily and sticky hops create a melange of grapefruit and pineapple that pulls the E brake and J turns into a resin alley. The finish has nothing akin to the opener, like that movie Inherent Vice. It closes with this aserose and pine, a resonant conifer on the swallow. WHERE DID THIS DOUGLAS FIR COME FROM.

Neo Englands y u do dis, ned moar cans pls, no more sea haggings

Neo Englands y u do dis, ned moar cans pls, no more sea haggings

M: I get surprisingly little duck on the mouthfeel, I wonder if they just dry hopped with infant ducks or if it was supposed to be in the boil. I can imagine the production costs would go through the roof, defending this against PETA, tossing live freshly hatched chicks directly into 150 degree sparge water. The mouthfeel closes dry thanks to the residual tufts of feathers and poached bills and tiny duck feet. It is exceedingly dry and oily, as is to be expected with a carnivorous IPA.

D: All duck jokes aside, this shit is so so so crushable. I drank this entire growler when I wrote that 1200 word 18th street sophmore saison review and got all manner of faded. I told my NEBCO hookup that a 32 ounce would be sufficient and just like getting pegged: BOY WAS I FUCKING WRONG. You could crush this all day while whipping up baking soda on a Foreman Grill. Someone needs to explain to me why they still bother canning that horrendous Sea Hag when this exists? Take all the money from G-BOT, cancel it, divert all funds into making nothing but this beer. No satire here, I am serious this is top tier, area dominating IPA without competition in the segment, unless Vermont starts flexing hard in the yard. This trades for absurd shit, not unlike Citra, and it is well worth it. I give this 9 out of 10 duck eggs.

DDB is the ticker that queefs in the night

DDB is the ticker that queefs in the night

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Beachwood brewing Rye Like an Eagle, 13.5% Abv rye ba imperial brown. Str8 dro.

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No shocker here, this beer is very tasty. You get the same ultra thin and attenuated beachwood profile that Julian strives for on the reg, and then add massive layers of cascading decadence. The nose is praline, caramel, light smoke, and a molasses aspect. The taste is like a bone dry old ale or a roasty barleywine with a deep raisin and toffee closer to it.  If you enjoyed one of the 150 bottles of Jean quad van damme, you will love this nutrishop version.

Or you can drop twice that on a bottle of three floyds ba behemoth. It’s your life



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Beersel Mattina – Birrifico Del Ducato- a pricey yet delicious saison lambic blend exemplifying why Ba ratings are completely worthless

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You may have seen this massive genie bottle in your botle shop and shivered at that MASSIVE thirty dollar price tag. I mean for that cash you could buy a three floyds sour beer, not some saison blended with Drie lambic, decisions decisions.

The ronies on ba gave this a flat 4. This phenomenal delicate burst of oak and spice and lemon was basically a failing grade for that site. The substantial carb and generous sheeting, the wafts of cut grass and wet leaves, the refreshing tropical fruits were insubstantial to those palates I suppose.

This is a tasty saison/drie lambic blend, albeit a bit rectum puckering at the $30 price point. No ragrets. You could do far worse with your money and I welcome you to name an analogous to a farmhouse ale blended with 3F lambic, I will wait.



I know you be lookin