Filming.
Toppling Goliath Mornin’ Delight, My Motto’s Always Been When It’s Right It’s Right
Alright, we have heard enough about hyped beers that AREN’T worth a reluctant hj, but what about those hyped releases that are downright amazing. The kind that after you have them you go through a moment of clarity and the conflict subsides and you nod your head in cool reverence and renew your subscription to Bang Bus. What about those beers? This is one such beer. I know I grind the testicles of poor flyover states to no end, but this is the real deal Holyfield, now it is only fitting that let tickers and traders know how I feel.
Mornin Delight Straight Givin Beer Nerds Dat Mornin Wood
Toppling Goliath Brewing Company
Iowa, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 12.80% ABV
A: This looks akin to most imperial stouts you are accustomed to, with a mocha khaki foam that wisps away with minimal cling, however, I did drink this 300 bottle rarity in a fucking sundae glass so, your mileage might vary if you aren’t a demonstrative prick. The legs are nice and provide a mahogany cling to the glass, it looks viscous and cracks its knuckles menacingly letting you know that shit in and around the field is about to become real.
maple, coffee, stout, roast; this beer is hard as fuck and YES that is a real stout in the picture maybe you noticed it ok
S: This is the waft that hipsters at Imagine Dragons concerts have nocturnal emissions over. You want that kiwi/cherry/lime leaf acidity from some eastward facing fair trade small batch single roast? Is that how daddy likes it? Daddy wants that french press handle dipping low crushing the fuck out of a deep acidity but balanced by a baker’s chocolate roast. It’s like an olfactory phone sex line for coffee addicts. If you have ever passed on sex to set up a vacuum press batch, then you are the type of deviant asshole who would love this. Just world class on the nose from the roast to the bouquet to the deep maple syrup that lingers like the sustained note of a 3 year old child being denied Skittles. The whole experience is magical.
T: This coats hard from the outset like a renegade Nigerian oil pipeline, sheeting your mouth with chocolate, almond joy dunked in Mrs. Buttersworth, there’s a lovely dryness to the coffee profile that ratchets the sweetness in from hitting those cloying Jodie Sweetin levels. How rude indeed. The sticky battle of roast versus decadent maple is like watching your girlfriend argue with your mom and you don’t know who to support. The whole affair is ambrosial and saturnalian like oral sex on a sack of unroasted coffee beans with your favorite IHOP waitress.
This beer is a trill remix of a classic jam. 7/8 time in the trap with sick coffee drops and maple breaks..
M: This coats hard and even the dryness of the coffee cant be an indian giver in this regard. The Indians are giving that sticky icky hard and tagbacks are disallowed along the gumline. It it like if KBS did blood doping but was a bit less complex. This has sick ropey veins pumping maple syrup with a neglected core that begs for bourbon (or cognac would be even better srs) so it’s hard to fault this for that aspect, but I do what I want, sometimes I feed other people’s meters and dont give a fuck. But it’s hard to give this a perfect score because it seems like it is missing that depth and complexity of the barrel treatment. It’s like what that poor fuck who sits in a base Carrera feels like when he knows there’s no forced induction and it should be there. Sure he just banged the hottest Denny’s waitress in the world, but the maple syrup can’t change that fact. Yes I know KBBS exists, no I am not giving up a CFH/Blabaer/Twisted Spoke/etc. for a 12oz bottle of BA Coffee stout. THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE.
D: This beer is outright amazing, but with its costs and drawbacks. It’s like if you have ever fingered a girl and subsequently found out that she is a squirter, the novelty alone would be incredible, but there is a certain drawback to having to get a Nissan Sentra detailed just because she wanted to be adventurous. Alas, I digress. Yes this is amazing, you will tell your friends about it. You might even relive the experience with them. But at the end of the day, you feel a little dirty knowing that it cost a bit too much and that you probably could have waited and gotten something more meaningful.
I would bang this in the morning and right before bed if it were accessible/socially acceptable.
Narrative: Scott Wilson didn’t forsee that he would be guidance counseler, in fact, that is the greatest irony of his existence. his father, a doctor, his mother a nobelaureate, and here he was, advising adolescents of their future. “well you certainly need AP Bio…I call that a versatility class…” He sighed under his breath. Even if he was the best at his job, no one would notice. He could direct his students to the perfect universities but never receive a single accolade. Such is the life of a high school administrator. Scott took a deep pull of his thermos and tasted the best cup of coffee that man would ever create. He sighed upon receipt of yet another acceptance letter facsimile from one of his students, a school he never attended, but certainly maintained the ability to embrace. This was not the time to wonder about the past, he would embrace the present knowing that he was perpetually affecting the future. He went home to his microbotanical facility in his basement. He was restricted, withdrawn, so few knew the true genius that he harbored in his calm demeanor. Scott was amazing but the sheer effort it took to reach the depths of his cellar to see his coffee plant/maple tree hybrid was daunting. He popped a budding bean into his mouth and savored the acidity and molasses. “Someday they will see more than just a pile of administrative hassle Scott, someday you will be a household name. THEN WHO WILL IGNORE YOUR MESSAGES ON ZOOSK.COM THEN! NO ONE THAT IS WHO!” he shouted to himself in the basement of his 6br/7ba Iowa home valued at $143,000.00.
@gooseisland Cherry Rye Bourbon County Brand Stout,
God damn I am sick of hearing about this fucking beer. When this first came out on Black Friday all of the 312 beer nerds were slapping their blubbering labias together crying about how “THER AER ONLY 50 CASES OF THIS BER MADE!!!1!” because their Whole Foods ran out. Boo fucking hoo, now they have to enjoy it on draft at Public Option or some shit. But really, that makes sense, InBev takes their most popular craft line and does a straight up Sole Composition release with it. Oh wait, then a billion cases of it start landing a month later and even people in New Jersey were trying to push their crude digits up in the O-ring. The requests that people had when this initially dropped were hilarious and stagering, looking for RareR DOS and BA Kopi and shit. The lulz were not insubstantial. Anyway, let’s review this Shirley Temple trainwreck and get to the bottom of what kinda mantits are being hidden under those stylish North Face jackets.
I know I criticize shitty pours on this site, but srs take a small pour because the rest might be committed to the wanting sink sarlacc pit.
Most people may not recognize this beer with > 2 ounce pour. Some of the finest midwest offerings seem amazing while enjoyed in a line, 40 degrees outside in a 1 oz format.
Goose Island Beer Co.
Illinois, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 13.70% ABV
A: Just like that rest of the BCBCSBCSBCSSBSBS lineup, it is heavy, viscous, settles with some generous sheeting and a pencil thin head. I didn’t come into this expecting some amazing head, it’s like a Mormon dance, only darker. The legs sheet with the clear alcohol profile but ultimately this is pretty to the numbers to the other BCBS variants. You can’t really hate on a mediocre dude who puts in his hours and goes home and sleeps with a gun under his pillow. Just leave him alone, srs.
open this amongst a bunch of 2013ers and watch them lose their shit over the massive 12000 bottle whale you just produced.
S: Oh fuck, they took a page from the Bramble playbook of “How to Ruin Wordclass Stouts in 1 Easy Step.” It’s a fairly short manuscript. Alright for everyone attempting to trade for this beer, I want you to open a BCBS, add a tiny splash of water to water down the ABV/mouthfeel, then go find that Bolivian dude who sells shaved ice, the one with a huge head that is like 4’8″ tall. Ok now pump 7 pumps of cherry extract into your Stout snocone. You just made Cherry Rye. This has zero cherry tannins or any complexity on a real fruit front and is seriously like drinking BCBS with Sucrets in your mouth and then chasing it with a Fruit by the Foot. Those are flavor profiles that work super well, fucking Rye whiskey and ripe fruit extract. I for one am always enjoying my Templeton with a pile of Gushers. Far underneath the rubble there is the BCBS you love, chocolatey and satisfying, crushed in a mound of adjuncts and horrible intentions.
T: Alright so if the cherry profile wasn’t pronounced enough, take that homemade Cherry Rye you were working on and toss a splash of Robitussin into it. The medicinal quality of the cherry reminds me of the flouride you get from the dentist, mixed with roast, chocolate, mallow, rye crackle, and finishes with a sort of red Squeezit profile. If you remember those, you probably were pounding poon in the early 2000’s, peeling those flared Mudd jeans off. The base beer is still there with a fat cherry black eye saying it doesn’t want to press charges and you want to see it fight back and get rid of this dominant fruit asshole who doesn’t belong there. Battered stout syndrome for sures.
I personally think a sticky cherry mess is horrible but some people are into crazy shit.
M: This has that amazing sticky coating profile from BCBS, except it brought its diabetic cousin in tow with its amputated leg and awkward cherry crutches. You want to be like “get out of here you cherry handicapped fuck, BCBS and I were having a conversation.” It’s ironic that the people who hate on CCB abd Bruery beers for residual sugars and FG problems pull out their tiny maraschino puds and juice it over this saccharine mess. Stouts and grenadine don’t mix unless you are a postmenopausal woman who mashes on cherry cordials and watches PASSIONS while the stouts earn the dollars doing man shit. That isn’t misogynist, it’s just a confused ass analogy.
D: Not at all. I had a legit pour and couldn’t finish this shit, epipens were stacked like spent shells out of a barret 50cal. Some of you bleachedbuttholes might have stumbled upon this website and be all like “HE PROLLY JUST DOESNT KNOW ABOUT BCBS LOL!” I drank this next to all of the other variants and this was second to worst edging out only the ubiquitously feces-clad Bramble. Don’t tell me about palate fatigue either, this shit is srs not good. The only redeeming quality it has is that people can wear themselves out seeking this sack of testicles out and leave people without scrotumpalates to land legit beers. A year ago people had their nips blasting talking about how Bramble was gonna improve, and I anticipate that this too will age like a 1991 Tercel with no AC. Seek this one out and waste your time, leave Ale Apothecary and Treehouse Brewing alone, let the real tickers through.
LOL i haed a fruit stout am cicerony now, expert time
Narrative: No narrative today, it would be some thinly veiled shit about a cherry orchard that is planted on a toxic waste dump or something I am sure.
Jacks Abby on the smoked maple lager swerve.
Kinda like acre Quercus but more drinkable and gentler
Logsdon Seizoen Bretta OAKED HOMIE DON’T FLEX
Traps are so swole
CCB Hotter Than Helles lager, pretty alright.
No complaints. Perfect beer to go to a voting booth and have your minority vote thrown away. Florida style.
Leave it to Florida name a racist ass beer
The white ale is called the cracker? Ok cool.
Kentellon Kreak in the forgeiners section
I could crush these cherries all day
Your Macro Beer is About to Be Baller as Fuck
These assholes went and flipped the script on the beer game, look out for your shit Drie Fonteinen:
Summer is upon us, that means adjunct lagers, hefs out the ass, and trifling witbiers galore. You probably already look like the world’s hugest prick at any BBQ that you go to, what with you either 1) bringing your own beer 2) asking what they have or 3) bringing your own glassware. Fear not, a product that the world has been clamoring for is here: ONTAP BEER. No, not like draft beer, this shit:
OH FUCK IT’S LIKE MIO FOR YOUR ROLLING ROCK.
So the website expects you to carry this little vial in your pocket to spruce up your mediocre beer into a horrible craft beer analog. Don’t like the way that Miller 64 tastes? How about if we add some caramel extract and hop oil to it? BOOM INSTANT BOTTLE OF BA DARKLORD. I don’t understand this fucking product because even people in Section 8 housing can buy Lagunitas with their EBT cards. Craft beer is not expensive, at all. If you are in a place where you are fiending so bad for a shitty Fat Tire or some other bottomshelf craft offering, maybe skipping beer might be the option for you. Maybe you should clear your browser history before you let your GF use your computer. waitwut.
Imitation craft beer is almost always as good, your move Google.
I love how one of the “flavors” is “American Ale.” What does that mean? This bottle of afterbirth shoots in and turns the adjunct lager into a top fermenting ale from America? They have made the lambic version of this product for years, it looks like this:
OH SHIT MY MICHELOB ULTRA JUST TURNED INTO DON QUIXOTE.
I love the spin that marketing likely prolapsed their collective buttholes to push out:
“Make each beer you drink the same or make each one different. Its up to you how each beer in the case tastes. Which is why we say it is time you get to enjoy Your Beer, Your Way!” You like American Ale? Put more in, boom instant amber, oh shit a lil more, who has a big barleywine now? Oh wait, entire bottle that Keystone just magically turned into an Old Ale. I think if you non-ironically pulled this shit out at any social gathering it should come with a card to enroll you into a 12 step program because your beer priorities are fucked.
I don’t even know why I bother addressing shit like this. The people who read my website are already degenerate asshole beer snobs well beyond the rebellious intro-FUCK MACRO phase.
Imagine the shit eating grin on your face at a wake when you pull out your PALE ALE FLAVOR and jazz up that paltry Shock Top offering from the host.
check this shit out in action:
The marketing committee then lets you know what an amazing deal this is, “The American Ale single bottle contains enough flavor enhancer to convert a 18-pack of domestic beer. That’s a saving of about $10.00 over buying 18 craft beers! Plus it is gluten, carbs and calorie free.” I am no scientist, I hardly even sparge bro, but how do you convert a shitty lager into a bold AMERICAN ALE without adding carbs, gluten, or calories? Oh, it’s xantham gum and brown food coloring? I knew Goose Island had some proprietary secrets.
This product is like hiring a cut rate tranny off of Craigslist to hold a plastic vagina for you. There are cheaper and less degrading ways to get what you are seeking, put your plastic object away.
yeah it seems like craft beer, until a real world class craft beer shows up and War Machines your butthole into a pale mess.
Midnight Sun 3000, Consecration+Abacus = Snow Mexican Barleywine
I think it is pretty well-established that Arctic Devil is an amazing beer. Berserker continues to impress, and Barfly is a distant reminder to some of the beta n00bs, but even the 2012ers know about it. On the face of things, Midnight Sun shouldn’t be dropping balls, barleywine or otherwise, on limited releases. This beer is a clear exception. This beer dropped more balls than an evangelical 8th grade choir. So what went wrong? This beer was essentially the last 10 minutes of Into the Wild in beer form, someone tried to do something adventurous in Alaska and ended up dying from poison.
Just how I like my barleywines, with a 3 finger head, wait wut-
Midnight Sun Brewing Co.
Alaska, United States
Style | ABV
American Barleywine | 13.20% ABV
Before I pound this O-ring like a dried persimmon, let’s hear the company description so the lulz can resound throughout your shitty studio apartment:
“In this ridiculously wonderful world we’ve created, we make beer- one batch at a time. As the scientist in us demands, we number said batches. And while every batch of our beer is special for us – providing a fresh start on a new day, establishing an experimental opportunity, bringing together our minds and spirits, projecting our company forward – each batch also scores time.
To celebrate our 3000th batch, we present a Belgian-style Barley Wine, simply called 3,000. Luscious layers of flavor begin with barley, wheat and rye malts followed by triple-hoppping with a single varietal. Fermentation, using three distinct yeast strains, achieves complexity in character and, of course, alcohol. This special batch was transferred into red wine oak barrels for eight months to age gregariously yet gracefully. After bottle-conditioning, this exclusive beer is ready for immediate enjoyment although it can be lovingly cellared for future festivities.”
A: Ok first order of business, look at this barleywine and tell me if you think that attenuation is appropriate for the style. Does it look like a barleywine? Does it look good? The look of this beer reminds me of an all extract shitty brown ale homebrew that your buddy makes you try. The head is excessive and almost makes me scratch my chin and accuse infection but we will allay those concerns for the time being. Does this beer look like other world class barleywines?
Oh wait, it is a BELGIAN barleywine, so my critique gets to dodge a bullet. I remember when some people were calling this the second coming of M, just like BA Hifi batch 2 is the second coming of Wooden Hell, except BA Hifi is still pretty awesome and this is Merlot and taint esters.
Mixing a barleywine with shitty cabernet ISN’T NORMAL. Not even one more hybrid like this. Not one.
S: Speaking of taint, the smell of this thing is offputting not only for the style, but in general. No one makes roe ice cream for a reason, some tastes don’t merge well. I am going to list some smells descriptors and you check yes if you want them in a barrel aged barleywine: merlot, cranberry, lemon rind, tangelo, blackberry, wet leather, post-menopausal tears, toddler laundry (non-soiled), pennies. If you said yes to any of those, you must be Cicerone level 5: contrarian belt. There is very little barleywine going on here and its like someone took a perfectly good bike and retrograded it to be a really inefficient baby carriage. I don’t want a bouquet of out of place fruits atop my pile of belgian esters, get that shit out of here, you don’t see successful breweries alike Stone taking malty beers and putting them in shitty red wine bar-…oh. OH.
T: This takes all of that tannic afterbirth and adds this coinstar machine maltiness whose jankiness can only be represented in scientific notation. There is a copper, burnt malt, scorched boil water (if you have done this, you know the hell and sticky disgust it creates) baked beans, Kendall Jackson Merlot, some interloping fucking leather tastes, and finally closes with a shitty Bartells and James red grape sort of taste. Now go dig through those used needles and find me the barleywine in this trainwreck. Just drink a cup of grape juice, lick a Jansport and save yourself some time.
I don’t know what kinda crazy shit goes on up in Alaska, but this beer might be a glimpse into the world north of the wall.
M: This is the gassiest barleywine ever and is needlessly bubbly on the palate. Then it imparts those horrible tannins and its like a mister spraying Yellow Tail weak ass wine all over your gums. You end up dry but violated with this fucked up stickiness all over you like fountain water from a two star casino.
D: Not very, the biggest impetus pushing me along was the fact that this was a bitch to trade for. Even still I drainpoured most of this. You know you have a quality barleywine when you start contemplating the calories and wondering if eating glass would somehow be better for your body. I love Arctic Devil, Moscow was solid, but this is some Gitmo experiment barleywine water boarding. Ruined a malty treat for all of us with bruised red grapes no one asked for. However, in Alaska the men to woman ratio is extremely skewed, so maybe this is the female Pinot Noir up there, when they get off from their logging duties or shift at the beef jerky company they sit down and laugh in a glottal fashion while sipping this and watching Cougartown or some shit.
You CAN make a hybrid of some mishmash shit, but that doesn’t mean that it will turn out good.
Narrative: Rampage Jackson clutched the fountain pen with uncertainty and listened to the lawyers go through the terms of the negotiation. “Ok, so clauses 2 and 7 stipulate that Rampage is still “Bad Ass” and “universally feared” but Viacom New Media will acquire him as a cooking host for a variety of tasks and spots.” Rampage wiped the sweat from his massive ebony brow, reading the various clauses on oso bucco and balsamic reductions. “Wait tho, so I am not fightin nobody? I just be like cooking?” he asked puzzled and a man with Tom Ford glasses and offensively large bicuspids laughed to the floor to ceiling glass windows of the conference room. “HA! Yes Mr. Jackson, you will be an incidental novelty talent to a series of unscripted life shows, and doing semi-fictionalizations of “Kitchen Disasters” all the while still remaining Rampage Jackson, I hope that is clear?” the slick talent agent rattled off. “But wait, I am good at fighting, and combat, why I gotta be making pastries and shit? Why try and make me into something completely different?” There was a certain lucidity to his voice and the men leaned forward with curious expectancy. “I mean like, why take something huge and awesome and emasculate that down to something totally irrelevant and worse? I mean you are just ruining what I am all about, turning it into something else simply for the sake of being irrelevant. Shouldn’t the point be to be entertaining and not just shocking, seems to Rampage that if you ain’t pleasing the public then-” the men gathered up the signed forms and there was much glad handing. Bravo was about to turn out another hybrid reality show that was intellectually debasing and horrible to all involved. Just another day’s work for those cultured gents at Bravo.
dontdrinkbeer 