Firestone “DDB made the best beer shirt of the entire festival!” /doesn’t even place in the Beer Geek Contest.

But to be fair those shirts are straight DRO and they did send me a nice participation box.


Firestone Walker Parabola Imperial Stout, This Beer is Turning My Directrix into a Conic Section

Well what better beer to close out Imperial Stout week than none other than good old Parabola, the top 100 Wunderkind that makes trading for almost every other barrel aged stout completely pointless. Trust me, I love Rare and I am obsessed with Rare DOS and Bourbon Barrel Plead the 5th, but when it comes to taste, price point, and accessibility, this is the best Imperial Stout out there. I know, it comes in a gauche cardboard box that touts all its merits and accolades, but even hot girls sometimes listen to the Murder City Devils. Stop being so judgmental. Let’s open this box and bust open some vertexes in today’s review:

I have had this beer once on dr-

Another time I had this beer out of the bot-

Another time I enjoyed this in front of my toaste-


Firestone Walker Brewing Co.
California, United States
Russian Imperial Stout | 12.50% ABV

A: This is such a beautiful beer and, despite 5 straight days of describing imperial stouts, I think I can must up some original content for this one. This has a nice slick inky aspect to it but it is overridingly dark mahogany. It isn’t strictly a flat black like those lame primered out whips that Persian trustees love to embrace. This is a dark mocha that has ample but light lacing. There’s plenty of decadent cake but the cocoa fondant is not insubstantial.

I just wanna get me mouth on this and nurse it gently every single night.

S: The bouquet makes me want to go into my cellar and and open another right now. Just double fist them to overdose on amazingness. TWO TWO PARA BOLAS AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. You get a nice bourbon aspect but a completely inviting chocolate truffle aspect and a clean lingering candied fig dark fruit aspect. You don’t like going to stupid farmers markets? Well they sell chocolate at those at an outrageous markup. This is the farmer’s market without the children and without the markup.

T: This is exception and wraps you with one of those hugs after a long hard chocolate cry, binging bourbon and vanilla beans. He wasn’t the right one for you anyway, Parabola will always be there for you, Parabola will wipe away those tears and carve pumpkins with you when no one else will. It is the everyday stout that is as incredible as the best of the best, but gives killer licorice back massages.

Whenever people tell me that Parabola isn’t that good, my jimmies remain in adamantium unrustle.

M: This is thick but not overpowering like Abyss, it is not overly thin either. The malt profile stays in your room just long enough to lovingly watch you fall into a bourbon nap and then turns the night light off. What a sweet and gentle stout that sweetly tucks 12.5% abv alcohol directly into your brain. You aren’t walking around smelling negligent, it is more of a light finish with a huge robust initial coating. This is the imperial stout that has admirable torque, but incredible cornering: the Carrera of the barrel aged world.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable, especially all up in your Porsche doing sick burnouts, socking nerds, asking girls to show their hooters. Except, it is more refined, with great power comes an incredible chocolate poise. They don’t just toss bombers into special cardboard boxes for no reason except Barrel Aged Double Barrel. This is an amazing beer and can serve as a gateway drug for your friends to absolutely ruin their lives with heavier exploits later on. I wouldn’t have my friends live their lives any other way.

This beer is fulfilling and exciting as the same time. Straight up decadence on a roller coaster.

Narrative: I drank imperial barrel aged stouts non-stop. I cannot write a narrative today. hit the archives or enjoy one of the other 397 beer reviews from last year you ingrates.


Abacus, Firestone Walker, 13% abv Barleywine


Abacus Schmabacus

Abacus, Firestone Walker, 13% Barley Wine

A:  Amazing deep amber hues with some yellowing at the edges.  Great carbonation out of the 
bottle and the lacing looks like a Gallagher show, just mess everywhere, in a good way. Ladies
be mad peeping when you have a bottle of this in the club, mostly like "where did he even get 
that?" but mad peeping nonetheless.  Things are peeped upon.

S:  There are sweet hot notes with cinnamon and dark fruits.  It’s tough to take in with 
nutmeg and some sort of hot currant smells going on.  I usually hate barley wines but 
this smells nothing short of amazing. It's like that first time you popped that Snow cassette in
and sang to Informer.

T:  Just wow, this is the best barley wine that I have ever had.  There is an amazing
 great hot finish with sweet licorice and figs.  The heat rolls through and finishes a 
juicy plum note. Plum juice all up in this mix like a Michael Bay joint.

M:  The mouthfeel isn’t too heavy and really impressed me.  Again, I really dislike 
this style in all its iteration and if this is this good now, I shudder to think what 
a couple years would do to a 2011.  The coating has a great finish with deep dark 
turbinado sugar and nutmeg.  In short, it is very complex, just like a Wayan's brothers

D:  This is scary drinkable for 13% abv.  I shared this with some friends and they all 
demurred and preferred their Pliny, which, for good reason I can understand.  But for a 
beer this huge, its tough to argue with.  The interplay of all of the elements at once feels
 like a Mars Volta record where you aren’t sure how they did it, but you are satisfied to
 be left in the dark as long as it tastes amazing.  This is exceptional and well worthy of 
the hype.

Narrative:  Tyler Folsom was a nice person.  Sure he was a 4 sport athlete, donated time 
on weekends to explicitly blind orphans, adopted 5 shelter cats, ran makeshift sickle 
cell anemia cure test centers in his garage, and had a laundry list of acceptance letters
 to a litany of schools, but, he was a nice guy.  Some would say that he had too much on 
his plate.  He never knew what was going on with Pretty Little Liars, his record collection
 was woefully wanting for a 17 year old guy, but somehow, his rough translations from Aramaic
 to Latin to hexidecimal for a new kernel that he was debugging made it all worth it. 
 “Oh sure, we could run scripts under English syntax, if you want spaghetti loops in 
your DLLs!” He exclaimed in a rare moment of tension while nursing a Koala deftly.  
“But ultimately, if the kids don’t eat, I don’t eat.”  He meant this literally.  
He had adopted Peter Singer’s theory of ethics and regularly starved himself for days 
on end, still outperforming all other student athletes.  “It’s basically just about being 
a NICE GUY.”  He noted as he put the finishing touches on his double fermented 4Loko batch 
that was 0 calorie and 0 carb, a gift for his friends for an upcoming soiree 
against teen inebriation.