Monthly Archives: March 2013

1

Kuhnhenn Blueberry Eisbock, If Someone Says “Lagers Are Boring” Show them this shit

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I love reading beer forums when some is like “lagers are all boring, why do they make them” and I just LOL myself and jump in my Scrooge McDuck vault of crazy ass lagers. I thought that I reviewed the 2007 Raspberry Eisbock for you assholes, but upon further reflection, after drinking at 15.5% abv tiny penis bottle I somehow forgot to type up a 900 word review. Imagine that. Anyway, this is even better and I cannot thank SurlytheDuff enough for this massive hookup. This was a 215 bottle release, $30 a bottle, 1 per person. Now add the midwest factor and we are talking shitstorm of the century,

Just my berries, no twigs. No stems no seeds no sticks. Put it in the air.

Just my berries, no twigs. No stems no seeds no sticks. Put it in the air.

Kuhnhenn Brewing Company
Michigan, United States
Eisbock | 15.50% ABV

A: This looks like hardcore IHOP blueberry syrup and you wouldn’t be totally out of line drizzling this over some bread pudding or a stack of hot cakes. Look at that deep purple, regal in Imperial garb, deep violet tones coupled with a plum darkness. If you want carbonation, maybe you fucking forgot that we are dealing with Kuhnhenn here. If you signed up to this beer expecting massive head or sheeting, maybe you work QC for Hair of the Dog or something. Nobody got time for that.

Slaying 200 bottle releases and 12oz bottles that are 1 per person AND $30 a piece? berry thuggish.

Slaying 200 bottle releases and 12oz bottles that are 1 per person AND $30 a piece? berry thuggish.

S: This smells like a fresh jar of smuckers. Srs. You get this deep blackberry, plum, blueberry, jam, straight preserves to the dome spot. Again, imagine blueberry syrup with a light fusel aspect on the backend that some assholes would liken to Grape Robitussin, but I wouldn’t cast that dark a pallor on it. If you have ever had a huge American Cabernet and it comes across like boysenberries, that is how this is. Fucking massive.

T: This is exceedingly sweet and is seriously like taking jams and jellies straight to the dome piece in a blueberry factorial manner. You ever read that book “Blueberries for Sal” and wish that everyone was super wasted and that the bears ate the children? Well Kuhnhenn can make that happen for you. This has an incredible fresh produce taste to it way beyond the adjunct berry tastes that often occur in other beers. I can imagine that this cost a shitload of money to brew and the massive waft of alcohol on the backend makes it clear that this is not for the uninitiated. Some people might be like “wahhh this tastes like cough syrup” or complain that they have to take insulin before drinking this, but it’s like, grow a pair and get berry wasted. AMIRITE?

This beer may seem sweet and crude at first blush, but maybe it is way ahead of its time? Think about that shit.

This beer may seem sweet and crude at first blush, but maybe it is way ahead of its time? Think about that shit.

M: This is as heavy as the cast of Designing Women and just lays around the palate like a viscous syrup, painting your tongue blue and purple. As it warms the fusel notes become more evident and the alcoholic waft loses that restraint but with that territory comes a deeper jamminess from the berries so it gives with one berry and plucks from the pail with another. Some would say that these Eisbocks are too saccharine and sweet but the light tannins and the huge juiciness to them keep this from being a Blueberries for Sal journey into the Candy Cane forest.

D: I am in the absolute minority here, and I know it, but I feel that these beers have far more utility than a mere 3 ounce pour that most people adhere to. If you take the time to let this beer open up and you drink some of it EIS CODE and then let it warm to the high 50’s you will go on a wonderful drunken journey that will likely be documented in the Police Report the next morning. Grip your twig and berries and lock this bitch down. Tag team it, film yourselves tag teaming it, put it on you tube, lick your fingers and talk about how sweet it was. Fucking weirdos.

The produce in this beer is taunting, strangely seductive.

The produce in this beer is taunting, strangely seductive.

Narrative: Jacob Lowbush was in quite the dilemma. He walked up the entryway in a dapper azure suit with a sweet DKNY cologne wafting through the air. “WELL THERE YOU ARE JACOB!” Keira’s mother exclaimed and accepted his bouquet of blue hibiscii flowers. Jacob’s lavender patent leather shoes creaked on the dark teak floor and he wrung his handkerchief sweetly and stammered out his wild confession. “Ms. Coccoros, you see, I am sweet on you, well no, that’s not how it is, see, I like you, and painting your fence violet and picking all your wild berries on your property, that was right aimed at getting closer to you, not….not Keira.” As he pushed out this confession the portly Keira was rounding the banister and the frame creaked from her indulgent corpulence. “BUH HUH HUH BAHHH” she sobbed and pounded steps back up to her room. Ms. Coccoros threw the basket of freshly picked blackberries onto the ground and stamped them in a sweetly controlled rage. “NOW YOU SEE HERE MR. LOWBUSH-” she began and took a deep pull of boysenberry liqueur “I am a distinguished women, whose daughter happens to have a glandural problem. You sir can take your sweet nothings and cast off.” Jacob picked a stray seed from his navy blue cumberbun and lowered his head sweetly. He would return after she drained the contents of the berry liqueur and get up in those jammy jams.

1

Central Waters Fifteen, Because Sometimes that 14 month barrel aging just isn’t enough, you need older.

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Some of you may remember way back in the day when I slayed Fourteen14fouRteeeen and may be wondering “why the fuck even bother? Isn’t this just the same beer aged in barrels for a little bit longer?” And yes, you would be correct in that picayune, but here at DDB we have a completionist mentality. If there is some tan wale out there making wavez, I am going to slay it even if it only slightly rocks my boat. This was a 1800 bottle release, but people be acting like this is some Hill Farmstead 180 bottle release.

If you ever want to land a midwest wale, just use this simple formula:

Take your current beer, multiply the bottle count by 10, cut the cost in half, and pretend you bought it at a BevMo. You now will be in the correct mindstate to trade with someone from Illinois.

For example, you want this 1800 bottle, 15$ banger?

Hill Farmstead Norma would be a 7500 bottle release, $10, available off the shelf, so you better add something to land this midwest wale.

About to John 3:16 the fuck out of a midwest hypemachine.

About to John 3:16 the fuck out of a midwest hypemachine.

Enough pontificating about hypothetical shit, let’s see if this is worth the hype.

Just laying there all flaccid not giving a shit, no foam or sticky lacing.

Just laying there all flaccid not giving a shit, no foam or sticky lacing.

Central Waters Brewing Company
Wisconsin, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 11.00% ABV

A: This looks basically the same at 1414, I mean, you aren’t taking this beer out to a sea food dinner. It is all murky and exhibits that classic Central Waters “why the fuck is this so thin” sort of ambivalence that you have come to expect from their BB Stout and BB Barleywine, so why should their anniversary beer be any different? This looks a lot like Parabola, if Parabola had a defective cap and let the carb out and had way less residual coating to it. You know, just shittier really.

Barrels make most beers better so more time makes good beers better unless it is this beer, hmmm. Paradox detected.

Barrels make most beers better so more time makes good beers better unless it is this beer, hmmm. Paradox detected.

S: This comes out swinging with a bourbon haymaker that almost dominates all other aspects of this beer. It has that sticky sweet caramel sort of vanilla overload in its presentation that some older vintages of Four Roses seem to exhibit and this beer is all barrel. I don’t say that in the Kuhnhenn way, I mean that the base beer is so thin that it is like when Persian people put huge ass ionic/doric/neoclassical columns in front of their tiny houses and the complete lack of balance is evident. This also has a melted tootsie roll, milk chocolate, whoppers, and movie candy sort of backend to it that is really pleasant, yet toes the line of the beetus that Dark Lord loves to serve up. Note, this beer is worlds better than DERK LERD so don’t get it twisted.

After all the hype, tasted this beer and my face be all like

After all the hype, tasted this beer and my face be all like

T: This is so heavy on the barrel that you wonder what the base beer even tasted like at this point. It goes heat, caramel, marshmallow, cadburry creme egg, chocolate, rolo, sixlet, and finishes with a huge blast of Buffalo Trace sort of candy dryness to it. Again, the lack of balance just kinda makes you long for a Parabola, since they seem so comparable in theory. This would be right in the world class leagues with that accessible ass Parabola, if not for its lack of char, roast, tobacco, or complexity beyond cocoa sweetness and straight up bourbon. This is still a great beer, but a huge caveat is warranted before I go getting people all throbbing at the shaft to trade for this.

M: This is exceedingly thin and perhaps the lengthy barrel treatment mellowed out some of the residual sugars or the complexity. The sheeting is minimal and thankfully, the heat from the bourbon is not as hot as the flavor profile, otherwise you would have some crazy Chevy Nova II with a big ass engine and no stability to balance this beast out. There was a stickiness on the backend like you ate a shitload of Hershey’s bars, but again it wasn’t a diabetic bomb in sum.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable in the way that the Pacers are exceedingly watchable, but you dont exactly fall in love with either. If this were more accessible, I would probably give it high marks for the ambitious barrel time and bourbon forward character, but this elusive beast is like the opposite of the Foothill Brewing “4 months in a barrel” philosophy and suffers as a result. I think in this instance the time in the barrel hardened this stout into a straight lifer, spending time in the SHU, shanking other stouts in the shower. Shit like that. If Foothill and Central Waters did a collabo, shit would turn out JUUUUUSTTT RIGHT, straight Goldilocks style.

Put a beer in a barrel for long and it gets worse? Pic related.

Put a beer in a barrel for longer and it gets worse? Pic related.

Narrative: I was going to put together a narrative about a guy who took too long to graduate from undergrad and parallel it to his inability to function in society, i.e. referencing barrel time and shit, but oh well, here is a list of my favorite things beer nerds say on forums, feel free to add your own in the comments section of my webzone:

“It isn’t the bottle count, it’s how many traders bought it that creates the value, that being said, can I interest you in a BA Abraxas?”

“Yeah, b1 was better, i feel like at release this beer had fallen off”

“GREAT TRADER ALERT< Hopmolester69 sent me all the agreed upon beers AND SOME EXTRAS!"

"hey guize, let's compare this hoppy red ale and this borderline triple IPA, WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE MORE THOUGH?"

"Lol I don't even need Citra when I can just buy Lagunitas Maximus off the shelf! You traders are suckers!"

"This King Henry has notes of chocolate, char, roast, tobacco, and leather. I don't drink barleywines but I am confident that this is a perfect example of an english barleywine."

"WHAT WAS THE BEER THAT STARTED YOUR LOVE FOR CRAFT BEER? also how do i use the search function?"

"This waiter/server/bartender did not even know the alkaline properties of the water profile of a beer they were serving HAS ANYONE ELSE ENCOUNTERED REALLY IGNORANT SERVICE WHILE ORDERING A BEER????"

"I know this beer was sent to 13 states and had a 13,000 bottle count, but my section 8 liquor store only got 2 cases, SO IT IS RARE TO ME! ISO: Ann"

"Anyone had this 2 year old coffee stout, CBS, IT IS DRINKING AMAZING RIGHT NOW, coffee and bourbon are finally gone!"