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BONUS REVIEW: Two Brothers Edel’s Weiss Beer, Because I Have Been Slippin.

I loved Two Brother’s Askew and I want to show this brewery some moar love, so here’s a bonus review, strictly for the haters. Two chains, coupe the color of mayonnaise.

Not my favorite style, but when it is 95 degrees, you go back to your roots.

Two Brothers Edel’s Weiss Beer, Hefeweisen, 4.9%

A: This has an uncommonly radiant profile to it. The yellow are crisp and inviting, like that VICs vapor rub mask, you can’t seem to shake the impression it leaves. Mild lacing and almost no carbonation.

S: This is where this beer shines to an incredible degree. The nose is full of banana, clove, lemon, and funky Belgian yeasts. It comes across with an almost dunkelweizen character, but wow, still very impressive.

T: Sadly, the banana and clove is largely lost. You get some banana but mostly orange in the taste and a sort of biscuity, crackery sort of foaminess taste to it. It doesn’t necessarily blow me away, but it is refreshing and a bit of acidic maltiness goes a long way.

M: The mouthfeel has a light coating that agitates into a big foamy frothiness like a Belgian wheat latte. The lingering Belgian yeast has this cool spiciness to it that reminds me of a weak saison. It’s like Minkus from Boy Meets World, it’s only there for a bit, but its complex and interesting until it abruptly leaves.

D: This is an incredibly drinkable beer and, assuming it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg, I am sure it will keep Midwest people happy living in their sad, square states. Maybe if we shipped a few cases of this to Ohio, they would refrain from sending to LA every single fashion student and dude who learned Everlong on the accoustic guitar. We can only hope.

When the heat is on, you can’t believe your mouth after having this.

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Terrapin Sun Ray Wheat Beer, An Evil Genius From Georgia Has Constructed a Sun Death Ray- in Ale Form.

I like Terrapin. I am not the biggest fan of hefs. So who will win this tug of war? Maybe people from hot humid ass areas know how to work that wheat stalk? It worked for Live Oak, let’s see if they can bust some thistles in today’s review.

Buy a Tool poster, some incense, move to Athens, Georgia and get hella into toasting wheat.

Terrapin Beer Company
Georgia, United States
Hefeweizen | 4.50% ABV

A: Cloudy tangerine color, nice radiance to it, looks like Hi-C but with murkiness to it. Carbonation could use some work and the lacing is non-present but, for the style, that’s not a deal breaker. Again, it is like a sun ray in a glass, but the sun can also burn your eyes during a lunar eclipse so, there’s also that.

When I first popped open this bottle the radiance emerged, blasting my corneas to dust. The sun doesn’t fuck around.

S: Tons of nectarines and tangerines, a bit of a chemical tartness detected, but that could be from a variety of things. Obviously a huge wheat profile with biscuity cornbread notes. If you’ve been the hef rodeo, this is a solid bull that will get up on your orange haunches and give you a solid buck to your wheatstones.

T: The initial taste is sweet like a tangerine with a bit of orange hidden at the back, it fades into a foamy wheat profile that is expected but what really is noteworthy is the way that it just resonates for days with a genuine citrus note. This isn’t a citra/simcoe false citrus, this is like they actually squeezed it into the beer or something and it is really fantastic. This is a bit chewier than I desire for the style but that’s not to say that this is some malt bomb by any means.

A sun beer for people who are constantly punished by the sun. The irony of nature is not lost on me.

M: I love the way the feel coats but just exits like a 7th grade drama student, promptly but making a lot of noise off stage. The juicy notes just sustain like a telecaster note. The hops are incredibly subtle as though they are a kinda of a negligent babysitter letting the citrus profile just run rampant. Overall, very accomplished wheat beer. Particularly since I find this style to be shallow and pedantic.

D: This is incredibly drinkable. I can only assume that they sell this in the south in no smaller than 30 packs given how fast it can be consumed on a hot day. I don’t even own a Mustang 5.0, but drinking this beer makes me want one to work on. I don’t even have to be doing anything, just lay under a mid-80’s mustang with this beer complaining about corporate fat cats. It’s that kind of crisp refreshness.

If you take down about 9 of these, you will feel like a complete hard ass, but then again, if you take down 9 hefs in session, you are probably an overweight Sigma Kappa anyway.

Narrative: Walter Burrs was the sweatiest turtle in the Splishy Wallows. His course obese hide spilled through the furroughs of his shell. “Hey….:::wheeze:: hey fellas…how’s the algae bed today?” The others groaned as he pushed his wide carapace in between them. “Whew, hot one out there today!” he bemoaned his thick fat terrapin breasts rubbing against the face of his peers. “Even the algae is warm” his sticky plastron rubbed against the others, making them exceedingly uncomfortable. “God damnit, it isn’t even hot! Why is he such a sticky fat bastard?” “Myommm nom nom” he exhaled while swallowing, his brow wet with a sticky, acidic sweatiness, his mouth covered in wheat grainy goodness. “Later we should go to the rive-zzzzz” he sticky hot breath billowed across the group as he passed into a grain coma.

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Geary’s Summer Ale, Because Summer Is Almost Here, We are Doing Topical Reviews Now.

Alright maybe I fucked this one up, but my bottle looks totally different than all of the other bottles that I have seen of this. Then again this is a pretty obscure gem, but let’s just say mine looked about as much like a Kolsch as Morgan Freeman looks Icelandic. Anyway, here’s a review, if you want a refund, tweet me, I will instruct you how the cow eats the cabbage.

Some times you feel like a Kolsch, sometimes you feel like a nut.

DL Geary Brewing Co.
Maine, United States
Kölsch | 6.00% ABV

A: An off-copper color with huge transparency. There is mild lacing and tiny middle carbonation. The whole thing comes off like a bottle of honey but much more translucent and less opaque. Like I said, it could be the same beer that everyone has reviewed, hell if I know, I have love handles and stretch marks and I am only an expert at eating 4+ items in a single trip at Taco Bell.

The perfect beer to give to recent high school graduates, you can be the cool austere older guy who introduces them to beers hardly anyone has heard of. Chicks like that, right?

S: There is a huge caramel malt to it with some beet sugar notes and a cinnamon/nutmeg sort of finish. Then water, out of nowhere things get all Kevin Kostner waterwold up in my olfactory. Maybe that’s what summer is all about? Kevin Kostner? Postmen?

T: The taste is not exceptional, but it isn’t exactly bad either. For a summer ale, it must be light with a clean finish right? Well that is what we have been lead to believe and this beer his the nail on the head. It imparts a sort of crackling savory caramel then a huge wateriness and finally, “where did half of my glass go?” This beer does not disappear in a Live Oak or Mongo IPA sort of way. This is just incredibly thin and you need to drink gulps of it to impart the taste. This is not a huge selling point in my book. It feels like a very watered down Belgian dubbel almost, but without the cool yeast notes and just a sort of bitter caramel at the end.

Knock back a 12’er of these and you can be the Blackout Ranger.

M: This is very light and would be a nice alternative to Newcastle or Fat Tire, were I even drinking them in the first place. Ultimately there is not a whole lot to return to. The finish is nice and lingers for a bit with a sort of simcoe/mid-range hoppiness to it, but again, it just doesn’t feel that exceptional.

D: This isn’t even exceptionally drinkable due to the burnt notes and crackling copper flavor that I get from it. Again, this isn’t a bad beer by any means, but it just isn’t worth your time either. I would liken this beer to opening a sui generis café in Grenich Village, you have to be exceptional to survive and this certainly is anything but.

I can only hope my 5 year-old daughter turns out this bad ass.

Narrative: Life at the metal works wasn’t ideal, but hey, it could be worse. Sure there were fumes of zinc, copper, molten tin, and smoldering oxidized steel; but lunchtime was always a refreshing experience. Carl Atkins particularly enjoyed his Panini sandwiches that he painstakingly prepared each morning. “Mmm, you can’t beat that smoky proscuitto” he indulgently declared to his co-workers. They put up with him and his decadent ways but in the end, it was a metallurgy works, and no one could smell anything. You felt bad for the guy, living in denial with his little bit of summer breeze every day at 12:00 noon. “Oh man, you can really get those salty savory notes,” everyone nodded in disbelief, knowing that all he tasted was raw copper ore and faint talc in that sandwich. “I think the aioli really makes this feel like a summer sandwich, you know?” They knew.

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Live Oak Hefeweizen, The Smoothest Drink Since They Discontinued Ectocooler

Happy Cinco de Mayo. I already busted my cerveza sustantivo earlier this week when I rocked the fuck out of Coronita, so I wanted to do the next best thing. ULTIMATE TEXAS SESSION BEER. I know what everyone is thinking, because I know what I was thinking: “I DON’T LIKE TEH HEFANDWEIZENS, THATS BEER FOR N00BZ.” Sure, but when it is the absolute best hef that I have ever tasted, DOES THAT CHANGE YOUR FUCKING TUNE SIDNEY BECHET? Seriously, this beer is amazing and, appropriately enough, the only times I have received it have been in 2L growlers. As a bonus, you can even give this to attractive people and they will probably drink it and like it, BOOM ROASTED.

The perfect beer to enjoy while watching NBC's hit musical series, SMASH, because after you kill all 64oz, you can smash the growler over your fucking head.

Live Oak Brewing Company
Texas, United States
Hefeweizen | 5.20% ABV

Live Oak Hefeweisen

A: It radiates light with a murky yellow gold undertone, almost like a mountain dew yellow 5 radiance. Nice mild lacing and bubbly head with micro bubbles. If this were a superhero film it would likely be some radioactive substance that provides superhuman properties, which is not entirely untrue; provided that property is drinking 64 oz to myself and passing out on the living room floor. BUT WILL I USE THIS POWER FOR GOOD OR EVIL?

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S: Just fantastic, great lemon muted notes, not overly possessive, it provides lemon at your leisure like an understanding girlfriend. It has a great biscuit smell, like an English muffin with agave syrup on it. Super crisp and refreshing. You ever french kiss a cactus in a delirium from poorly made orange zest wine? Well then you will know what the fuck is going on with this splishy splashy shot of refreshment.

T: Amazing honey taste with very mild cirtus hop presence. It feels like biting into a lemon crueller or bear claw but if it were incredibly light in character. Its effervesence is so crisp and bubbly that that first pint glass was gone almost instantly, not by design. There is an underlying motif of Belgian sweetness that never reveals itself, like a silent protagonist somewhere in the wings of the opera house that is my palate.

Unlike this truck, this beer is probably one of the best things to come out of Texas.

M: This is about as light as it gets and it is all the better for it. It imparts a brackish bit of coating to accompany the nice citrus notes and just has a very thin foaminess to it all around. All in all, it is incredibly refreshing.

D: This may go head to head with Gumballhead for the most drinkable beer that I can think of. It is better than Gumballhead in fact because the hops do not obstruct the sheer guzzle ability of this beer. You could drink this in any circumstance for long periods of time. It is the ultimate session beer and it is disheartening to know how difficult it is to get in California because I would need several growlers of this given how fast it would disappear.

I merked the growler while I was prepartying and I ended up with a burgundy pixie wig in my pocket and 6 stamps on my hand. Pretty solid night.

Narrative: Easy Jasper was the town mechanic in the sleepy old town of Chataqua, Texas. Well, he wore many hats, old Jasper was the magistrate, deacon, bailiff, and district superintendent; but he operated out of Easy Jasper’s Lazytime Garage. Folks would come in from miles around with torque converters all busted up, slipping trannies, and limited slip differentials downright in shabby shape. Easy Jasper would take a sip of his old sweet lemonade and give the lowest price quote for miles around. Patrons not only had no choice, but he was downright fair through and through. He would bask in the sun like a lazy gecko and ponder the discs and gears involved, the deviations in a cam shaft and sleepily get to work. He was the smoothest old curr in Chataqua, but God damn did he get the job done. “Thanks Jasper! My Lotus Elise would have been in shambles if not for you, please let me-” “Nahhhh nahhhh, aint noooo body gonna give Jass- per no….guff.” He would wave them off with an oil stained glove and sip his refreshing orange drank lithely. A lazy son of a bitch, but did he ever get the job done.