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Terrapin Sun Ray Wheat Beer, An Evil Genius From Georgia Has Constructed a Sun Death Ray- in Ale Form.

I like Terrapin. I am not the biggest fan of hefs. So who will win this tug of war? Maybe people from hot humid ass areas know how to work that wheat stalk? It worked for Live Oak, let’s see if they can bust some thistles in today’s review.

Buy a Tool poster, some incense, move to Athens, Georgia and get hella into toasting wheat.

Terrapin Beer Company
Georgia, United States
Hefeweizen | 4.50% ABV

A: Cloudy tangerine color, nice radiance to it, looks like Hi-C but with murkiness to it. Carbonation could use some work and the lacing is non-present but, for the style, that’s not a deal breaker. Again, it is like a sun ray in a glass, but the sun can also burn your eyes during a lunar eclipse so, there’s also that.

When I first popped open this bottle the radiance emerged, blasting my corneas to dust. The sun doesn’t fuck around.

S: Tons of nectarines and tangerines, a bit of a chemical tartness detected, but that could be from a variety of things. Obviously a huge wheat profile with biscuity cornbread notes. If you’ve been the hef rodeo, this is a solid bull that will get up on your orange haunches and give you a solid buck to your wheatstones.

T: The initial taste is sweet like a tangerine with a bit of orange hidden at the back, it fades into a foamy wheat profile that is expected but what really is noteworthy is the way that it just resonates for days with a genuine citrus note. This isn’t a citra/simcoe false citrus, this is like they actually squeezed it into the beer or something and it is really fantastic. This is a bit chewier than I desire for the style but that’s not to say that this is some malt bomb by any means.

A sun beer for people who are constantly punished by the sun. The irony of nature is not lost on me.

M: I love the way the feel coats but just exits like a 7th grade drama student, promptly but making a lot of noise off stage. The juicy notes just sustain like a telecaster note. The hops are incredibly subtle as though they are a kinda of a negligent babysitter letting the citrus profile just run rampant. Overall, very accomplished wheat beer. Particularly since I find this style to be shallow and pedantic.

D: This is incredibly drinkable. I can only assume that they sell this in the south in no smaller than 30 packs given how fast it can be consumed on a hot day. I don’t even own a Mustang 5.0, but drinking this beer makes me want one to work on. I don’t even have to be doing anything, just lay under a mid-80’s mustang with this beer complaining about corporate fat cats. It’s that kind of crisp refreshness.

If you take down about 9 of these, you will feel like a complete hard ass, but then again, if you take down 9 hefs in session, you are probably an overweight Sigma Kappa anyway.

Narrative: Walter Burrs was the sweatiest turtle in the Splishy Wallows. His course obese hide spilled through the furroughs of his shell. “Hey….:::wheeze:: hey fellas…how’s the algae bed today?” The others groaned as he pushed his wide carapace in between them. “Whew, hot one out there today!” he bemoaned his thick fat terrapin breasts rubbing against the face of his peers. “Even the algae is warm” his sticky plastron rubbed against the others, making them exceedingly uncomfortable. “God damnit, it isn’t even hot! Why is he such a sticky fat bastard?” “Myommm nom nom” he exhaled while swallowing, his brow wet with a sticky, acidic sweatiness, his mouth covered in wheat grainy goodness. “Later we should go to the rive-zzzzz” he sticky hot breath billowed across the group as he passed into a grain coma.

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Hill Farmstead CAGEMATCH: Regular Everett vs. Barrel Aged Everett Porter, feefeeefeeeenfeeeeennnnnn

Hillfarmstead all dark up in this mix

Hill Farmstead Everett Cagematc- OH SHIT STOPLOSS IS ON? This night just got amazing.

Two 7% abv Porters duke it out for their father’s affection. Also, hey, Stop Loss is on.

Each one will plead their case in turn with a verdict at the end.

Appearance

BA

A: There is a deep watery mahogany to the color, not black but a rich chocolate brown. The carbonation is excellent and billows up with tiny bubbles. It’s like Ryan Phillipe’s lack luster presentation, you respect it but you know it could be a bit better.

Regular

A: The same as the BA version but with khaki bubbles instead of off-white. So like if Ryan did a summer at Catholic camp up in the high desert.

Winner goes to the regular version.

Smell

Barrel Aged

S: Warm boozy toffee and caramel notes, vanilla, nice cocoa waft, and a deep roasted honey note. There is a dryness of oak and a warm bourbon waft. It’s like dad came home looking all like a Tennessee Williams play but he brought you some Werther’s Originals.

Regular

S: The nose is less boozy but with more of a deeper chocolate waft. There is more of an almond and walnut, it is simpler in execution but not as much heat and simpler. It’s more like dad is a Eugene O’ Neill play and he has no candy.

Winner goes to the BA

Taste

Barrel Aged

T: There is fantastic prickly heat to the outset that gives a great boozy taste and a warming sweetness. The oakiness has a dryness to the swallow that gives your chest a nice warmth with a sweet cocoa finish. Imagine if you were 12 years old and ate a whole box of alcohol chocolates, not taken from autobiography, you’d be bloated but smelling all sultry like a community college student from Alabama.

Regular

T: There is far less heat and it’s a much more direct approach. The body is the same but without the intense prickliness and hot vanilla, the wood and almond notes stand out more and give a nice creamy finish like chocolate milk. It’s like the BA version goes for a high note and the regular supports a more standard chocolatey simplicity. You’d be more stoked if the Econoline van had windows in addition to chocolate, but hey sometimes thems the cards you’re dealt when your parents send a proxy to pick you up.

Winner goes to the BA

Mouthfeel

Barrel Aged

M: The mouthfeel is swift and hot, it is intense along the bittering zones but confuses the sweet palate with a strangely warm vanilla aspect that pulls this experience all over the place. The carbonation is a little bit less impressive in the BA version and feels less effervescent. Give old Nana a sloppy wild Turkey Kiss.

Regular

M: The mouthfeel is creamy with a fantastic chocolatey finish. The carbonation has tiny bubbles that crackle like woody alka seltzer. It is incredibly smoothe and washes away with a sweet toffee flavor.

Winner goes to the regular version

Drinkability

Barrel Aged

D: This beer is more fantastic to savor and ruminate on. The intense heat and pleasant warmth are more delicious, but ultimately hinder the drink ability of the beer. I was able to drink the regular version much more easily, but it was less memorable.

Regular

D: These are easily two vastly different beers and ultimately the regular version is easier to drink and much simpler to enjoy at first blush. It is like how an Accord is easier to drive than a Lambo, but ultimately the difficulty has its own pay offs.

Winner goes to the regular version.

What we learned

Ultimately, the regular version was amazing, more refreshing, and ultimately, disappeared faster. However, it simply wasn’t as memorable and it didn‘t shock me like a Step By Step Halloween special. Overall, was the regular version better? Sure I guess, but I preferred the barrel aged version because it was so much more vibrant and interesting. Short Circuit 1 was good and easy to enjoy but Gold Baller Version of Johnny 5 in Short Circuit Two was cooler, despite the fact that there was no Steve Gutenberg.

VERDICT: Regular Version Is The More Desirable, Popular Sister With Clearly Less Inherent Merit, Nerdy Interesting Sister
Who Lived in A Barrel Will Ultimately Develop a Sick Rack.

Remanded and Affirmed.