Iowa Double Header: Toppling Goliath Assassin Vanilla vs Assassin Bramble

Cozy beans

Flyover states rejoice we have an Iowa Hypejuice DOUBLE HEADER.

Right out the gates, the hoppy bombers remain so fulfilling and well done in a way that I haven’t experienced with the ubiquitous cans distributed to like 30 states now.

A decade in, the spicy Assassin has seen everything from the nightmarish Tequila version to the eternally coveted double barrel bottle that still moves for $700.00 secondary. Just this week TG announced a RYE double barrel assassin that’s sure to murder some domestic partnerships when partners are dragged to Decorah for a New Years Eve dinner.

TG creates MFT job security.

Let’s take a look at two other Assassin variants: Vanilla and Bramble. Vanilla Assassin used to be a ghostwhale with like a 15 bottle Saboe special release and was resold for $3000. Sitting at a 4.8 on Untappd, this had big beans to scrape and I am proud to say that it completely filled my wafflecone. The body shows restraint but not that Central Waters “ribcage and hipbones” execution. Never excessive, the platform provides just enough residual sugar for your SSRIs to work but not enough that you can’t have sex. That perfect depression strike zone.

You get the base beer and enough space for the kitkat/whoppers to let the wafers grind. It never becomes some oppressive Dreyers orgy. You aren’t sticky. It’s genial like when your friend asks you to blow into this tube so he can start his car. Neighborly.

The bramble is not great. It takes produce and burns out the barrel clutch just grinding through chocolate vvrrr BLUEBERRY vrrr brownie vrrr BLACKBERRY HOTEL JAM. If you like how Goose Island just destroys any cask complexity with Smuckers cunnilingus, then prep your preserves. It isn’t one dimensional but it takes Assassin and makes it worse.

The novelty is fine, you can do worse. It like moving the Elf on a Shelf when you only have partial custody, I get the spirit of it, but it just makes me kinda sad. It’s an uncomfortable merger. Uncrustables with Nutella just feel like double sugar and maybe I guess Iowans don’t want universal health care for this berry reason.

“Pass the bean but spare the bush” Decoricus, 14:31

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