In riveting cereal-based news today, it was recently announced that Black Bottle Brewing went to a local Fort Collins grocery store and bought up every last box of the limited Count Chocula cereal.
In a state barely recovering from the legalization of marijuana sales, this came as a complete shock to the lethargic residents of Fort Collins. “We had just finished loading up our Subaru Forester for a bouldering trip when we heard the news,” local resident Carol Jennings noted. “At first I was afraid it was going to be our Whole Foods, but then I remembered that Count Chocula had processed caramel dyes, synthetic marshmallows rendered from horse hooves and polymer cocoa starches, so I knew the Whole Foods was safe. I put on my Vibrams and ran out the door just to make sure.” The local drum circle participants from Stewart Case Park expressed stern disapproval of Black Bottle Brewing’s baleful actions. “Count Chocula is about freedom, like the freedom to eat 50g of sugar to start your day and this brewery is just here harshing everyone’s mellow, typical corporate move, we’re just tryna dab it out here,” park resident Jacob “Cruncher” Balmsly noted.
When asked for comment the representative from Black Bottle Brewing, manager Stever Marrick, appeared unapologetic and noted, “listen, it’s a free country okay? If you want to eat several bowls of cereal and listen to Godspeed You Black Emperor, that’s fine but we have a god-given right to make adjunct beers laden with completely irrelevant fermentable materials. We need our sugars to be in the form of amorphous marshmallows and we need our corn pieces to have at one time kinda have resembled a fictional Count. What next, you gonna go tell Pipeworks Brewing ‘hey maybe you don’t need to make that Abba Zabba Brown ale?’ yeah I didn’t think so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have wort to ruin.”
Despite this tragedy, the resilient residents of Fort Collins noted that they would press on. Dietician, Nancy Olmstead noted, “listen, if at the end of the day a brewery wants to make an absurd beer, that’s fine. There’s plenty of other ways to get sucrose and empty calories into your children at the top of the morning, there’s still plenty of Boo Berry on the shelf or, if you are punishing your child, Frankenberry works just as well.”
Stunned Fort Collins residents sat in disbelief staring at the parking lot for an uncomfortably long period of time.
At press time Black Bottle Brewing noted that they would be pilot brewing a batch BlaeooBaerry and that no box of Boo Berry was safe from the ever-grinding maw of their insatiable grain mill.