Welp, we had a good run here at DDB, posting 300 bottle count runs, shit from the 90s, and random oddball extinct bottles: FORTUNE MAGAZINE FIGURED OUT HOW TO LAND MASSIVE WHALES and exposed the game to the masses.

https://fortune.com/2015/05/30/how-i-tracked-down-those-elusive-trophy-craft-beer-whales/

Wait, full disclosure, Fortune magazine is using the word “whales” to mean “nationally distributed 12,000+ bottle releases available by the case.”  But that’s basically the same shit as Bullfrog Beekeeper right? I’ll allow the newmoney dipshits to Google “Beekeeper” before I continue. At any rate, the jig is up.  All the whales now belong to beta casual finance assholes who wear mid thigh pastel shorts and boat shoes and Pengiun polos.  Sorry, beer nerds.

BRO DID YOU GET THE NEW RELEASE OF DAVE? ME TOO SEE YOU AT THE ORACLE BOAT RACE

So if you want to know the secret to landing sick whales, the author shockingly shares this gem of information with the unclean masses “I happened to notice a small sign at my local Total Wine store, acknowledging they had a small amount in stock.”  You will need to go to a bigbox retailer with massive distributing contracts, and look for a sign in the window.  I trust you will all head down to Binny’s clamouring for bottles of Malvassia Rosso, looking for these elusive signs like obese dudes fawning over Cosplay models at Comicon.

Anomalously, Chris Morris notes “The intense drive of some beer lovers to land a whale can take some of the fun out of the process,”  but wait, you just told us we just need to walk up to a Bevmo and ask for Loerik, I am getting serious mixed signals here.  Then further muddying the waters he mentions a series of brewery only WOMGWHALES from Jester King, which never see the interior of a Total Wine.  SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE.

BRB getting my craft beer news from a Time-owned publication that ranks the top 500 most profitable companies in the world

Hang on here Chris Morris, are you telling me in your infinte wisdom that my retail whale chasing is gonna lead me to bottles that are somehow ONLY AVAILABLE AT THE BREWERY?  I don’t believe you Mr. Morris.  Your bullshit clickbait headline seemed so trustworthy.  I thought I would be pouring Ann down my mantits by the end of the workday.  Next you are gonna tell me that I need to open up a Fedex account and ship beer to other repugnant covetous dipshits spurned by your yellowale journalism to land other beers.

“even if you have no interest in beer and drink shitty Scotch because WSJ tells you to, you can buy rare beers and resell them as a commodity for huge profits,” THANKS FORTUNE MAGAZINE GOOD LOOKING OUT

I dont know what to believe anymore.  Fortune Magainze was always my goto resource for beer news/why it isnt a good time to buy gold/explanations why minority workers make less money, but in light of all this, I might just have to switch back to Esquire Magazine for the irreproachable journalistic integrity/advice on calfskin messenger bags.