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@7venthSunBeer Mixtape Collection UNDER PRESSURE, Tiny Bottle Run Revenge from Floridians

Remember back in 2011, those simpler times when Florida breweries kept knocking out sub-50 bottle releases making those Sole Comp runs look like Inbev production levels.  7venth Sun comes from that era of “ITS WIDE AWAKE AND I AM GETTING RAPED ON THE TRADE BOARDS” and 28 bottle releases of Funky Buddha Raspberry Berliners.  These were things that actually happened back then.

Remember back in 2012 when these guys released a cherry coconut berliner with fucking 25 bottle run? https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/08/31/put-the-cherry-in-the-coconut/

Because I do.  Anyway, let’s see how the intervening years has treated this Dundam giant.

If you thought your bottle game was legit, stop and ask "does my tick have a hand sewn sweater?" If not, up your bottle accouterments fashion game.

If you thought your bottle game was legit, stop and ask “does my tick have a hand sewn sweater?” If not, up your bottle accouterments fashion game.

Who knows the abv on this shit? Who knows anything about this except that it is a kumquat saison? Those 7S Guys are so mysterious, straight up Vincent Valentines of the berliner world.

KUMQUAT IN A SAISON? Florida swag levels about to be wetter than the Everglades.

KUMQUAT IN A SAISON? Florida swag levels about to be wetter than the Everglades.

A:  This is a gritty radiant mess and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  It’s like seeing deep crosshatching on illustrations or single grooves in woodworking that let you know this shit is str8 grassroots.  It is turbid with excessive carb that spills out onto the collar of the nicely appointed sweater.  I am serious, the bottle came like that.  The fuq, I know.

S:  This is pure farmhouse through and through, reminds me of Logsdon seizoen bretta with that greek yogurt and lightly sharp cheesy note like cave aged cheeses.  The citrus is not overwhelming and comes across less like juice and more of a wafty rind like something tropical garnishing a cruise ship drink.  The whole thing feels real good, complex in layers but a simple unified approach: fruit smoothie.

T:  This is less complex than the nose let on, but the trade off is that it is exceedingly crushable.  The fruit bursts off of the page in embossed italicize flavor font.  You get kumquat in a more manageable manner than say that acid rain that is Sour in the Rye Kumquat.  It is saison first and fruit second, everyone knows their role and precisely what it is that the rock is cooking.  I think the score for this beer either demanded too much or failed to appreciate the simplicity and elegance of the stripped down approach.  Of course, since we have a series of instarones who are saison experts all of a sudden, anything less sour than Beatification is off style to these 2k13 tickers.

I rekd thes saisons fest.

I rekd thes saisons fest.

M: This is creamy with an expansive carb that almost becomes irritating because you cant grip them fruits with all that billowing creamy frothiness covering your slippery tan body, wait wut. It could be a touch drier and a bit more acidic but ho hum, it’s like complaining about not having a LAY DOWN SEAT in your flight to Dubai.  Things are going pretty well either way.

D: this is crushable and I drilled this while playing Tales of Xilia, grinding away with some needless fetchquests.  If you want something complex to ruminate over, I would kindly direct you to Oxbow, Stillwater, or any of the similar purveyors of those saisons with depth.  This opts for sheer simple enjoyment and a flavor profile that crackles with personality and life.  Plus people will probably give these away for a song since the whole fucking world is in BTAC and adjunct stout mode right now.  Seeking out a saison in frozen conditions is like buying a car on a rainy day.

King ticker, popping fruited saisons up in the club, all the ratchets wanna get in them Anchor Bluezzz

King ticker, popping fruited saisons up in the club, all the ratchets wanna get in them Anchor Bluezzz

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Hunahpu Day Declared Most Successful Brewery Release of 2014

Cigar City is no stranger to well-orchestrated releases. From their bold “trickle out” release of California Brandy Hunahpu which alienated a large segment of their fan base, to their teeth gnashing decision to release three barrel aged Hunahpu variants simultaneously, this Tampa-based purveyor of fine libations has become an expert in making sure that any potential customer will “absolutely fucking hate [them.]”

“If we pride ourselves on anything here at Cigar City, it is making things needlessly complicated, expensive, or just outright not delivering on what we promise to the customer,” noted CCB public relations officer, Daniel Jerkins, “we know people want our beers, and we will have failed as a brewery if we leave a patron ever wanting to deal with us again. It is a touchstone of the Cigar City philosophy.”

Most recently, Cigar City made the innovative decision to line up over four thousand people to distribute their prized Hunahpu Stout. “We know people in Florida don’t have much to look forward to beyond retirement communities or latent racism, so we wanted to give something back to the community,” Jerkins stated while scribbling on a chalk board, “it would have been simple enough to separate pickups, or to bifurcate the event from the actual bottle sales, but that simply is not the Cigar City way. We want the customer to know that we regard them with the utmost contempt.” To ensure this level of top-tier customer dissatisfaction, Cigar City decided to use an easily counterfeited ticketing system coupled with a paucity of bottles and a lack of space for attendees to attend their Hunahpu release event.

“We knew it would be a crowd of thousands, so we wanted to ensure that they moved through the line as slowly as possible. Not enough beer for patrons? On it. Not enough guaranteed bottles? Certainly. Having police oust people from the premises? If we did not ensure these standards were met, CCB would be doing a great disservice to its principles of making customers absolutely fucking hate us.” Jerkins proudly noted while he played the following video in gleaming pride, nodding in calm pride:

“You see, the way we closed the gate on the thronging, dissatisfied crowd, that was a touch we worked out early on in marketing discussions. Flawless execution on our part, if I may say so myself,” Jerkins succinctly stated while surveying the police cars outside his Tampa office. “It looks like people are still being dismissed, this really could not have gone any better.” The lamenting of Cigar City patrons had not resounded so loudly since CCB decided to sell Catador Club exclusive beers to the general public. “Well, I cannot take complete credit for angering Catador members nationwide, I will have to defer to Carl Wilkerson for that honor.”

Attendees lamented the lack of Untappd badges earned at the event, a true American tragedy.

Attendees lamented the lack of Untappd badges earned at the event, a true American tragedy.

At press time Carl Wilkerson was busy fielding angry emails from the contingency of their reserve society, each more disheartened than the last. “Yeah we really pissed em off good with this Catador thing. See, we made a $125.00 club, sold them a previously infected beer without enough units to fulfill even a third of the members, but today we really executed things in a magnificent way,” Wilkerson gleamed gushingly while poring over spreadsheets. “We decided it would be best to reward non-club members with exclusive beers for showing up early and standing in line, you know, contributing to more of the problems we were looking forward to. Some might say to me ‘Hey Carl, why not take those 72 cases of Double Barrel Huna and sell them to the biggest supporters who already paid $125 to be in your poorly organized club?’ to them I ask ‘Who will that piss off?’ There is your answer. We are trying to maximize people’s rage and doing things in an orderly, fair way just wont hit those benchmarks.” Wilkerson explained in great detail how Cigar City expected to maximize the beer nerd rage, “you see, just selling Double Barrel Huna to the peasant tier, non-Catador members would not be enough, we wanted to make a statement. To that end, we decided to set the limit at a case per person and then continue to sell other Catador beers to the mouthbreathing masses. Oh man, the results have been amazing.”

The local Tampa homebrew club showed up in full regalia for the highly anticipated release

The local Tampa homebrew club showed up in full regalia for the highly anticipated release

Wilkerson strode through the Cigar City premises and looked on lovingly at the paper-thin Gildan Catador Club shirts. “See here, we could have used something above ‘undershirt quality’ for our merchandise, but again, who would that disappoint? Hell, I thought our customers would have seen this coming. We even made the affirmative decision to infect a dopplebock, pasteurize it, then sell it to reward our closest supporters. Make a domain for bottle sales? Not on my watch. We knew early on that bottle sales to Catador members needs to be at the pristine level of frustrating that Cigar City prides itself on,” Wilkerson declared as he blew his nose into one of the Catador Club shirts.

Pictured above, three dissatisfied attendees who found out about stouts nearly three months prior

Pictured above, three dissatisfied attendees who found out about stouts nearly three months prior

“This is just the beginning though,” Jerkins announced over the boos from attendees outside his office, “we recently made a press announcement that we would be making this right. To double down on the anger, we asked people to present the item they were most likely to discard, their wristband, you know, really piss them off.” At press time, the complex and highly questionable CCB plan was netting intended results across Facebook:

“My particular favorite aspect of this outreach are the demands from these peasant-tier beer drinkers, as though we really give a shit if they buy White Oak Jai Alai,” Jerkins laughed scrolling through the comments from hundreds of dissatisfied customers. “This year was a huge success, and we are already in talks with the organizers of Dark Lord Day to brainstorm items that we may have missed to really piss people off. It’s like they don’t even realize that Prairie still brews Bomb on a regular basis. Hell, it is a work in progress, but I look forward to kicking our customers in the nutsack on a daily basis: the Cigar City way.”

More details will be made available as they develop.