0

Funky Buddha Bonita Applebaum, No Winzipping, Only .Rar Archives in Today’s Review

|

Well what do we have here? A Funky Buddha limited beer that is bottled in a blank bomber? Sounds like something you could walk down to Binny’s and pick up, right next to the Daisy Cutter, right? This is one of like 28 bottles produced, and this sweet slice of pie is probably extinct, but let’s look back on desserts past in today’s review:

Applebaum jeans and the malts with the fur.

The Funky Buddha Lounge & Brewery
Florida, United States
American Brown Ale | 6.00% ABV

A: This is turbid and murky like bayou water. If Hill Farmstead uses Vermont water, I am confident that there is a bit of the everglades in this sticky brown ale. The sheeting is minimal and the lacing is pretty lackluster. It’s not the most unfortunate looking beer that I have ever seen but, it’s on the inside that counts, that’s what every person with stretch marks has ever told me.

This is how people react when you pour them this sweet treat. It also helps if they are overweight, and an alcoholic.

S: Holy sweet decadence. This beer is like walking into a fresh bakery and it happens to be a pie clearance sale. There are notes of brown sugar, biscuit malt, sweet apple, caramel, light vanilla, and this lovely cinnamon aspect to it. I said “lovely,” we are talking genteel civilized ales here.

T: This literally tastes exactly like a slice of fresh apple pie. I cannot explain it any more directly than that. It begins with a faint graham cracker and cinnamon then cinnamon and allspice come forward with apple aspects. You should pour this beer over a slice of vanilla ice cream and get shit a la mode real quick. This is the slice of American pie that your camp counselor never told you about.

If you are posting looking for Funky Buddha bottles, you are in the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker.

M: This is very thin and makes no secret about its brown ale roots. You know deep down, there was a normal base beer before they piled all of this incredibly strange but amiable elements on top of it. There’s not much coating but, with the pastries and confectionery going on, you don’t really have time to focus on that. How many times have you left the next morning without underwear on? Yeah, that’s what I thought, trollop.

D: This is decadent and excessive, but it is not exceptionally drinkable. Maybe if you were a baller ass 5th grader your sweet zones could take 22oz of this, but for those of us with pubes, the sweetness becomes cloying after a few ounces. This would almost be better served in nib bottles or as a gentle liqueur to serve to your overweight friends when they invariably get dumped for that tiny size 16 around the block. I would still love to have this again, I just wouldn’t eat a whole pie for dinner, because I have a small shred of self-respect.

You want a bottle of a beer that has less than 50 produced? Better start dropping fat stacks, racksonracksonracks.

Narrative: “Well if you can’t perform a scorpion into seconds with a DECENT TURNOUT, then maybe you need to lose some weight.” The 7 year old stood stunned before Sherry Sourmane, the most dour faced dance instructor in the tristate area. She thought of the sweet slice of pie that she had the night before and lowered her head to the ground. “I just..my tummy hurts and…” The room rattled with the clack of a 6 inch stiletto upon the ground. “Out of my sight, you like wretch.” She was a sour, stern instructor, best enjoyed in small doses. When dance class was over she took to berating the parents in turn. Each fully-grown person in attendance received a fully tailored dress down from Ms. Sourmane. John Marks collected his child and walked solemnly to his car. The dance instructor looked down her brow and took a bite of a Home Run Pie and was all too aware of the tu quoque that she lived on a daily basis.

0

BONUS REVIEW: Two Brothers Edel’s Weiss Beer, Because I Have Been Slippin.

|

I loved Two Brother’s Askew and I want to show this brewery some moar love, so here’s a bonus review, strictly for the haters. Two chains, coupe the color of mayonnaise.

Not my favorite style, but when it is 95 degrees, you go back to your roots.

Two Brothers Edel’s Weiss Beer, Hefeweisen, 4.9%

A: This has an uncommonly radiant profile to it. The yellow are crisp and inviting, like that VICs vapor rub mask, you can’t seem to shake the impression it leaves. Mild lacing and almost no carbonation.

S: This is where this beer shines to an incredible degree. The nose is full of banana, clove, lemon, and funky Belgian yeasts. It comes across with an almost dunkelweizen character, but wow, still very impressive.

T: Sadly, the banana and clove is largely lost. You get some banana but mostly orange in the taste and a sort of biscuity, crackery sort of foaminess taste to it. It doesn’t necessarily blow me away, but it is refreshing and a bit of acidic maltiness goes a long way.

M: The mouthfeel has a light coating that agitates into a big foamy frothiness like a Belgian wheat latte. The lingering Belgian yeast has this cool spiciness to it that reminds me of a weak saison. It’s like Minkus from Boy Meets World, it’s only there for a bit, but its complex and interesting until it abruptly leaves.

D: This is an incredibly drinkable beer and, assuming it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg, I am sure it will keep Midwest people happy living in their sad, square states. Maybe if we shipped a few cases of this to Ohio, they would refrain from sending to LA every single fashion student and dude who learned Everlong on the accoustic guitar. We can only hope.

When the heat is on, you can’t believe your mouth after having this.

0

East End Brewing Gratitude, This Barleywine is Gratuitously Good, Completely Excessive

|

I was always stymied by the rare offering. At the outset you have releases to the tune of 700ish bottles and everyone trades hard for these but then I heard it was NOT BARREL AGED. I was a skeptic until I had an epic barleywine showdown and it drilled other BA contenders and made the horrible Lift Bridge Commander look like a bottle of Zima. This beer rips open malt anuses and delivers a sweet panache that can’t be imitated:

The person in the background seemed a bit GRATUITOUS.

East End Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
American Barleywine | 11.50% ABV

What you know about that blue wax 2009 vintage dog? Gripping two clips, sliding barleywine heaters in the 2 seater.

A: This has an amazing turbid aspect to it that is not unlike BA Old Backus barleywine. The sheeting is pretty modest and, for a 3 year old beer it maintained the carbonation in a legitimate manner. This is what Paul Wall would floss with in a CL mercedes, it is classy but not as overstated as 808 drums. Just look at that muddy baby, you want to pinch its cheeks and take a smooch.

Despite the lack of barrel aging, this beer is mature for its age.

S: This has an incredible waft to it, milk chocolate, chocolate milk, melted raisinettes, sweet brown sugar, and cream of wheat made with a sweet smooch. I love this beer and this might be the best non-BA Barleywine that I have ever had, srsly, it is that bomb, you don’t even need to cut the red or the yellow wire.

T: This has an incredible taste with a light caramel char, dark cherries, plums, some notes akin to a quad, but it still maintains that brown sugar profile that makes it unmistakably a fantastic barleywine. This may have started as an American barleywine but, after a few years the hops have really mellowed into just a light citrus that makes this beer incredible through and through.

Hey guys, tonight we are going to open a dank non-BA barleywine
Oh cool bro.

M: This is exceedingly thin for the style but, given the huge malt blasters firing on all 8 cylinders in the taste profile, the tires hit the pavement hard. The thin nature of this beer doesn’t mean that it isn’t a freak in the palate sheets and the abv is the sneaky camera man capturing the whole thing without your knowledge or consent.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable, especially with some age on it. I don’t know if you could pass this off on novice beer drinkers but anyone at the Hop head level or above would love the robust sticky sweet character of this beer and merk it mercilessly. You ever seen ABC’s groundbreaking drama “Switched at Birth?” no? Ok, then you are qualified to drink this amazing beer.

wale whale whalez. What rare ass barleywine are we enjoying today?

Narrative: Dwayne was the best employee at the EZ Lube in Sante Fe. Fram filters, synthetics, high mileage he knew it all. Sure it seemed like a pedestrian task, that is until the average person tried to do it themselves, suddenly that old SL500 wasn’t so useful sitting like a hunk of overpriced german steel in the driveway. One fortuitous day, Dwayne was on his way to work and noticed a plume of smoke on the horizon. “OH MY GOD.” He pulled up to the scene of the tragedy and saw them all just stopped there, dead in their tracks, the death rattle of heroes that had seen better days. “WHAT’S THE SITUATION HERE?!” he called to the police officers as he ran over to them. “Well they just started making a little tick and-” Dwayne ripped open the hood of each stalled car and found that each had been negligently filled with 10W-30, INSTEAD OF 10W-40. “Oh for the love of gargbhhh-” the mere scene made him vomit on the side of the road. He swiftly went to work on a quick flush and replaced the oil in record time. “Thanks kid, you really saved the day today, now we can go shut down that Stem Cell Research protest, you’re a real hero, you know that? Not us today, you Dwayne.” The cars glamed as the exhaust resonated through the strip mall. Dwayne was the best damn 20 minute hero that $8.25 per hour could buy. His side job at the caramel factory seemed downright pedestrian by contrast; he was a brilliant genius that people overlooked far too often.