3

Montana Legislature Introduces Exciting New HG616 Reserve Society Legislation

|

beeg

Helena, MT

Parties gathered today at the Montana State Capitol Building to discuss an exciting new Reserve Society bill that was recently introduced to the House. “Under the flawed previous system, the poorest of people and breweries could enjoy beer onsite,” bill proponent and local foot fetishist Rep. Robert Hagen (R) noted, “with this exciting new bill, we look to create an exclusive Reserve Society within the legislative branch of the Montana state government to ensure that small breweries and poor people are completely fucked.”

The bill, being dubbed “The Brewery Destroyer” would implement limits on small Montana breweries, keeping them from serving beer on site after 8pm and relegate poor people to attempting to get laid in the most horrid of conditions. “Have you been to Montana bars? Like seriously?” local Missoula Resident, Dylan Chambers, commented, “I would seriously rather fuck a knothole in a tree like Boo Radley than have to try and drink or get laid there.” The new bill would also establish an exclusive Reserve Society for the only remaining Montana brewery, Big Sky Brewing Company, ensuring a monopoly with their beer that until recently, they had difficulty giving away for free at the Tap Room.

Pictured above: the source of nearly 43% of Montana's domestic violence.

Pictured above: the source of nearly 43% of Montana’s domestic violence.

Members who contribute to the House Bill will receive a HB616 Hoodie, allocations of Big Sky Kriek, and exclusive benefits at the newly renovated Big Sky Tap Room. “We are really fucking everyone with this one, no question about it,” Big Sky Brewing head brewer, Matt Long, noted while rocking on his heels, “I mean, if the only brewery you drink at is Big Sky, people are gonna get completely wrecked.” Big Sky, noted for its famous Moose Drool and other largely avoided libations has been in business since June of 1995 and generally depressing people with their offerings for nearly two stellar decades. “We are looking forward to really shut down innovation with this bill, bring the beer world back into the ambit of ‘Trout Slayer’ if you know what I mean,” Long commented while sliding an index finger into an O made by his other hand, “we are out to do two things 1) get those beastly Montana women laid and 2) shut every other Montana brewery down in the process.”

Some opponents of the new Reserve Society bill opined that competition in the marketplace would be better served by allowing smaller brew pubs to sell their beers onsite at the brewery, as was allowed in the past. “I just really would rather kill myself than be forced to drink another pint of Bush Tail saison,” local HB616 opponent Kari Michaels protested “they claim this bill is about getting people hoodies and paying $300 to join their legislative club, but I am beginning to suspect it is more about selling really shitty beer.”

Under the new legislation the current bottled products that the public avoids will go unaffected

Under the new legislation the current bottled products that the public avoids will go unaffected

Tony Herbert, president of the Montana Brewers Association pleaded with the House this morning noting that “under the current system, Big Sky Brewing Company and all of the other currently nonexistent large Montana breweries are currently forced to GIVE AWAY their beer for free onsite.” Some people in attendance shuddered at the mere thought of drinking even a free pint of Big Sky Beer when the argument was presented. “Also you get a Hoodie, did we mention that? I don’t think that was made clear to all the breweries that we are about to put out of business. It’s a pretty nice hoodie.”

Representatives from various local breweries, Kelley Christensen (Desert Mountain Brewing), Matt Muth (406 Brewing), Brian Smith (Blackfoot River Brewing), Michael Ulrich (Carter’s Brewery), David Breck (Bridger Brewing), and Rob Jarvis (Philipsburg Brewing) attended the hearing to plead with the legislature about the pending Bill. “Listen, we don’t care about being forced out of business due to a legal technicality, just please don’t make us drink anything made by Big Sky, open a State Owned brewery or something, anything but that,” Kelley Christensen wept as she gave closing remarks.

Big Sky Brewing CEO could not be reached for comment at press time. When he was approached in the parking lot of Big Sky Brewing he quickly climbed into a red IROC Camaro and performed what Missoula locals described as “a really sick burnout,” laughing loudly to himself.

0

Cascade Bottleworks XIV, The Barret .50 cal of the American Wild Ale world, dropping shells in that chiquita

|

Alright let’s knock out some more of the recent walez that have been clogging up the trade boards recently. This one is a glorious return from the complete Bottleworks nonsense that Stone offered up as last year’s anniversary beer. Every other year was like “hey let’s take our time and make a limited, amazing sour with almost zero distribution” and Stone was all like “how about we make a hoppy belgian strong with that same yeast strain that no one is stoked about? Ok now we will ship this to 34 states. Good.” So this was a breath of relief to see things getting back to normal. Let’s pound on this 14 year old in today’s review

You read that label correctly, almost 12% abv. Dropping more Lane Bryant panties than a Chris Brown record.

You read that label correctly, almost 12% abv. Dropping more Lane Bryant panties than a Chris Brown record.

Cascade Brewing / Raccoon Lodge & Brewpub
Oregon, United States
American Wild Ale | 11.95% ABV

A: This is an outright beautiful beer with minimal lacing but substantial carbonation at the outset that sits in a sticky white cap (EUPHEMISM DETECTED) on the rim of a golden hue. Look at that, looking all like Nana’s broach, that sort of beauty you only see in your girlfriend’s eyes when she says “we lost the baby” or something like that. Tragic yet life altering. The sheeting is present in thick clear legs running down the glass like a Sir Mix A Lot video, NSFW stuff.

It is tough to imagine that massive 12% abv could have the fruits and grace of a complex american wild ale, but it pulls it off straight up Manticore style.

It is tough to imagine that massive 12% abv could have the fruits and grace of a complex american wild ale, but it pulls it off straight up Manticore style.

S: Holy hell, the traditional super lactic Cascade ultra acid bomb is present here, but he brought some ass beating friends to the school dance. In tow is Pineapple dipped in bourbon, Rum with some vanilla numchucks, and finally a Navel Orange with oak ninja stars. It is a formal fighting force that kicks ass on both tart and savory fronts.

This is a powerful hybrid of two things I love, maintaining power and beauty at the same time.

This is a powerful hybrid of two things I love, maintaining power and beauty at the same time.

T: This maintains at the outset the incredibly tart apricot and juicy tangerine acidity but languishes into this really strange sitting chair of caramel and mallow kisses. The rum aspects kinda remind me of 5 Golden Rings or a super lactic Belgian tripel. This is complex almost to a fault because right when you get grounded with all the tart characters, shit turns into some crazy old ale realm where you can’t follow the plot of this beer. Supporting characters be popping up all pell mell, offering handjobs and kicking out barrel aged secrets.

M: This is a heavy double barrel heater all up in your oralfacehole. The residual sugars roll around like substrate in a lava lamp and the heat is decidedly present for a strangely distracting beer. You’d think this beer would have plenty of other aspects to focus on with the sour and crazy barrel properties, but the alcohol burn is still there and at higher temps it is the femme fatale of the film noir that’s going on in your mouth.

D: This is just too heavy, too hot, too everything to enjoy on long stretches. That coupled with the fact that this is a 12% beast with tons of beeetus inducing final gravities, makes it a tough one to take down solo. If you went deep on this 750ml, keep it in the fridge between pours because the complexity it gains at the high 50 temps is not what you are seeking. These are not the flavor droids that you are seeking. The carb makes this easy to drink and unless you let this open up to room temps, it will be tame and treat you right. At colder temps that 12% abv is kept in tow like a Korean wife, but behind closed doors, makes you its bitch.

I LOVE BIG WILD ALES THEY BE SO BAD. Oscar Wilde bad.

I LOVE BIG WILD ALES THEY BE SO BAD. Oscar Wilde bad.

Narrative: Elvis Dumervil tossed his keys onto the rick mahogany table and lowered his head cautiously and skulked into the home, hoping that no one was awake. “SO GLAD YOU DECIDED TO COME HOME AT 2:34 in the morning, Elvis,” Latosha Dumervil remonstrated and flipped the light on in clear agitation. His massive frame shifted on his sore quads and he quickly set the bag in his arms down on the dark teak floor. “Baby please, you know it ain’t gotta be like that-” he pleaded and watched her pace back and forth shaking her head in disappointment. “Oh it aint gotta be like that? How it gotta be Elvis? You leave the Broncos and start living this double life, putting on more and more weight, more power, lifting barrels, eating strictly acidic fruits? WHO DO THAT? WHO BE DOING THAT ELVIS?” Elvis clenched his jaw and stared at her. “OH SO 63.5 SACKS WASNT GOOD ENOUGH HUH? NOW I GOTTA ANSWER TO THIS SHIT?” He kicked his duffle bag and horticulture equipment rolled out, among gardening supplies. “Oh so you WEREN’T AT RAVENS PRACTICE WAS YOU!” He turned crimson and gathered the items up. “I swear to God Elvis if you have been working on that orchard again and barreling preserves…WE JUST CAN’T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.” Just then his phone lit up with a text from Dink Martindale “YO ELVIS WE NEED THAT BRLED FRUITS NAO!!!” His wife began packing a suitcase.

3

Lost Abbey Acquires Dozens of Tequila Barrels With Hopes to Get People To “Absolutely Fucking Quit Buying Beer.”

|

LOST ABBEY

SAN MARCOS, CA

Exciting new developments are abuzz at the Lost Abbey brewing facility today as workers feverishly stack newly sourced Tequila barrels from Tequila 30-30, a local distillery. Avid beer connoisseurs have been coming by the brewery regularly to watch a filthy potation go into even-more wretched barrels. “We are hoping to brew a strong ale on agave aged in Tequila barrels. The intent here was to put something together that would cripple the beer buying industry for years to come and release a landmark brew that no one could seriously agree was worth a vial of dog shit,” Tomme Arthur declared as he poured gallons of agave nectar right into the boil.

Local beer enthusiasts were still reeling from the recent Sede Vacante release and expressed even more excitement about the forthcoming release. “I hope that it is horrible, like worse than undrinkable,” San Marcos local, Chase Eddinger, declared. “I was kinda unsure after paying $35 for a bottle of a dead flat barleywine last weekend, but, I am hoping this next beer will make me hate all beer altogether.” The Lost Abbey staff met Thursday to discuss potential options to completely halt the sale of high end beverages and drew the conclusion that the fusion of a horrible tepid base beer aged on Tequila oak would be just the right path for the second fiscal quarter.

“We have been working tirelessly to make sure people stop buying not just our beer, but completely quit beer in general,” marketing manager, William Koning noted, “after releasing a $450 Guitar Center box filled with questionable blends, we alienated our poorest customers, now 2013 is dedicated almost entirely to ‘Operation Palate Genocide’ and this new Tequila blend looks to be entirely on mark for our goals.” The elaborate marketing plan was enacted in early 2012 to cut down on the number of customers entering the craft beer hobby and to ensure a viable future for reviewers and collectors alike.

“We said to ourselves, ‘Hey people love Duck Duck Gooze, they really liked Cable Car Kriek, we really gotta amp down quality, raise prices and get rid of some of these would-be consumers,” William Koning noted while demonstrating the anomalously soaring profits on a white board. “We want craft beer to be around for a long time, we can’t expand to meet demand, so making people think craft beer is a complete joke and/or waste of time was really the only viable option for the industry.”

Lost Abbey employees were seen hollowing out ripe gourds at press time and filling them with Riunite Lambrusco for an upcoming $50/bottle, 24 per person limit beer, release date to be announced. “We really stopped asking questions sometime around 2011, they know what’s best for the industry,” assistant brewer Michael Wilkerson commented while washing inexpensive Italian wine off of his forearms, “I don’t even drink beer anymore, and hopefully other people will be able to share that joy when they taste the fruits of our hard labor.”